Four ways Hardison was told about Eliot and Parker…

If you haven't seen the new episode, than be careful there are some slight spoilers. Nothing big but...

This was purely meant to be funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own Leverage or the characters. If I did...well I don't. So I only get to play with them a little but I have to give them back when I'm done. (Which just isn't nice.)

1. At the bank

"I did look for you. For six months." Hardison said as he watched Parker get ready to open the security box.

"Done." Parker said and he just looked at her. "The key. Done."

Hardison handed her the key and Parker started on the box. She could feel him watching her.

"I think people are like locks. Really complicated and frustrating, but you can't force them. You have to take time and be fiddly." Parker started.

"Fiddly?" Hardison asks amused.

"You learn to be patient and just wait until you hear the-" The lock clicks and Parker stops talking.

"What?" Hardison asked, not understanding what she was trying to say.

Parker sighed. "Yeah, I didn't get it either. You didn't find me cause you were looking too hard. Eliot and I have been laying low most of the past six months in various places. We've just been staying off the radar and fucking mostly. It was fun."

"WHAT?" Hardison demanded, face slack and eyes wide in complete shock.

"Yeah, he's great in bed, and not afraid to try things. It was a fun couple of months." Parker mused.

Hardison whimpered.

"Months?"

2. Car alarm

"What are the odds that Eliot's crotch will actually explode?"

Hardison laughs and Eliot walks away cursing him.

Hardison dials Sophie and tells her what she needs to know.

Parker is still looking at him.

"What?" He asks.

"What are the odds that Eliot's crotch will actually explode? I kind of like everything where it is."

"Where it is - what?" Hardison asks, confused and shocked.

"I like his cock, Hardison, I don't want it to explode." Parker tells him and Hardison's eyes go wide.

"What- you- his- Seriously? Seriously! How did that happen? Seriously?"

Parker shrugged. "It was a long six months. We were both in DC at the same time…"

"I looked for you!" Hardison protested.

Parker looked at him. "He found me." She said simply and started to walk off.

Hardison watched her walk away before starting after her, dialing a number on his phone.

"Seriously?" He asked.

3. Going out

"Hey man!" Eliot said, coming up from behind Hardison and slapping him on the back. "Here's you're beer!"

"Gent-ly. Gently, please." Hardison said, sitting back up after almost being knocked of the bar stool.

Hardison had no idea why Eliot had invited him out drinking and no one else, but bonding was bonding and they hadn't seen each other in six months so it was possible he had been missed.

Still, it was a little weird, especially when Eliot kept paying for everything and refused to let him even bring out his wallet.

"Look Hardison, I have something to tell you." Eliot started and Hardison's stomach sank. This was it, he just knew it. He had saw this coming ever since Eliot -

"I'm dating Parker. It just happened. I know you're probably mad but I didn't-" Eliot started.

"Oh, thank god!" Hardison burst out, interrupting Eliot.

Eliot looked at him. "You know, this wasn't the reaction I thought you'd have."

"I know, I know. But hey I'm happy for you two man. If it couldn't be me, than I'm glad it was you. I'll get over it." He said, and slapped Eliot on the shoulder. He was slightly disappointed that the other man didn't even wobble on his barstool.

"Thanks man, you're taking this better than I thought you would." Eliot said and took a drink of his beer.

"Well yeah, I thought you were trying to hit on me." Hardison said.

Eliot sprayed beer out of his mouth in pure shock. "What?" He demanded.

Hardison didn't take that as well, but mostly because he was now wearing the beer.

4. Together

"You tell him." Parker hissed out.

"No way, you tell him." Eliot argued back.

Both were whispering loudly behind Hardison as he sat in front of his computer and tried to ignore them. But it wasn't working. Normally he might go deaf from focusing on the computer but right than he was just downloading so it wasn't anything that involved his full attention.

Which left him able to hear everything they said. He decided to point this out to them.

"You two know I can hear you right?" He asked, turning to face them.

From the silence and guilty expressions he guessed that no, they did not know he could hear them.

"What is it? You two get me a gift for my birthday? You shouldn't have, really, it's still months away. But I'll take it anyway!" Hardison said, holding out his hands.

He had been joking, so he was surprised when they handed him a small box.

"What? What is this? Cause if it goes boom, I was just kidding." He said, not trusting the two of them, especially not with all the whispering from earlier.

Who were they trying to kid, he knew they wouldn't get him a present, especially when it wasn't his birthday. Chances were, anything in the box was something he wouldn't like.

"There isn't a ear or a finger in here right?" Hardison asked Eliot, eyeing him up and down cautiously. Seriously, of the group these were the two you probably didn't want a gift from.

Parker and Eliot just looked at each other and nudged each other slightly. Than gestured to Hardison. It would have been funny that they mirrored each other if he wasn't still worried about what was in the box and how they hadn't answered him on if there was some stranger's body part.

"If it's human I don't want it." Hardison felt the need to point out.

Parker pouted and Hardison went pale, holding the box out with two fingers. "Take it back! Take it back!"

Eliot rolled his eyes. "It's not a finger Hardison, stop being a baby!" He growled.

"It's an ear! I don't need another ear!" Hardison wailed, wiggling the box toward Eliot.

Eliot growled again. "It's not an ear either! God Hardison!" Eliot said but when Hardison didn't stop he looked at Parker, who was still pouting. "I don't know why…" He mumbled than took a deep breath.

"Parker and I have a thing!" He yelled and Hardison stopped altogether.

"So you gave me this to break it to me?" He asked, pulling the box closer to him and looking at it for a moment.

"You think you can just buy my feelings off? Think that you can get me a present that will take back all the betrayal and trust issues I'm going through now? What about the insecurities and self-doubt? Huh? You think this is going to make up for all of that? What could possibly make up for the damaged you caused?" He asked, only half serious.

Opening the box he looked at it than looked back at them. "A key. Really. A key? If this is another one of the key and locks metaphors, I will give you bad credit, and I will not rest until every one of your false identities is registered on every STD website I can find or create." He threatened.

"The key opens a room Hardison." Eliot said and Parker crossed her arms.

"He said he didn't want them! I worked hard Eliot! None of them liked being stolen!" She protested.

"Them? Parker did you steal people?" Hardison asked, starting to get a bad feeling. He wasn't going to walk into a room of angry strippers was he? Cause they would probably just strangle him with a thong or something and that wasn't something he wanted in his obituary.

"Just a few?" Parker told him.

"You let her steal people?" Hardison asked Eliot incredulously and watched him shrug.

"By the time I got involved she already got two of them and I figured why not? We'd just return them later."

Parker nodded while beaming at Hardison. Within a moment though the smile was wiped away into a frown and she got a far off look on her face. "Still, who knew David Tennant bites when he's surprised? I thought he'd be a little nicer."

"David Tennant-" Hardison asked, mouth dropping in shock.

"Did you just steal the Doctor?" He demanded in a shrill voice.

Parker nodded and Eliot looked at him.

"And John Barrowman, and Catherine Tate, and Billie Piper, and let me tell you, they weren't easy to get." Eliot said.

"Catherine scratches." Parker said seriously than turned to Eliot. "But John was nice to you." Parker pointed out.

Eliot looked at her, eyes darkening slightly. "I wasn't interested darlin'." He told her.

Hardison ignored the exchange, focusing on the bigger problem. He didn't know if should be feeling insulted on behalf of the people Parker and Eliot had stole or-

"Where!?"

Eliot and Parker stopped having eye sex to look at him.

"What?" Parker asked, confused.

"Where are they?" Hardison asked, bouncing. Screw having morals, he was going to meet the Doctor! And Captain Jack, and Rose and Donna!

"Come on let's go. Just point the way! They may be mad, but I'll tell them I'm there to rescue them from the two crazy people who did this to them. I'll take my badge and they'll be thankful. Why aren't you two moving? You need to show me where to go!"

He said, and grabbed them by the arms when they didn't move fast enough. He tried pulling them but gave up when they started to move on their own.

"Oh guys? I was wrong, you can totally buy me." He stopped at the door to look at them.

"Best. Present. EVER. You two should do this more often. Ya'll getting married soon? Having a baby? Cause the new Star Trek movie was awesome…"

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