Jasper's POV

Bella's eyes widened as she processed my words. "I… don't know what to say," she murmured more to herself than to me.

I gave her a small smile and stood up, pulling her up along with me. "You don't have to say anything. Let's go home now. I'm sure Esme is waiting to show you your room."

We walked back to the house silently, and sure enough Esme and Alice were waiting in the living room. She followed them to the guest room which was on the third floor several doors down from Edward's room.

"Thank you," she said, her musical voice echoing throughout the entire house.

"We'll let you get settled in," Esme told her.

That was two days ago. Two days without hearing her voice or seeing her. It felt unbearable, but I knew this was what she needed. She'd gone through so much in such a short period of time, who could blame her for wanting to be alone?

My musings were interrupted by a knock at my new bedroom door. I was now staying in a guest room next to Rosalie and Emmett's room – much to my chagrin. I opened the door to find Bella standing there, her emotions a chaotic whirlwind that surrounded me.

"Can I come in?" she asked.

"Of course," I said and motioned for her to come in. I sat the book I'd been attempting to read down on the bed.

. "Why did you move out of Alice's room? Does she know how you feel about me?"

"She knows, Bella, and she has for some time. Longer than I have, I think," I said.

She began pacing. "I've been thinking. Non-stop for two entire days. Two days, Jasper! And I just don't know."

"Don't know what?" I prompted her after a few minutes of silence.

"Why I can't stop thinking about it!"

I arched an eyebrow at her. What was she talking about? "Thinking about what?"

"This," she said coming up to me and before I had time to react her lips were on mine. She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me impossibly close to her. Her hands were twisting in my hair. I could feel every inch of her body as she pressed against me. I ran my hands down her sides and rested them on her hips. I gasped as she nipped my bottom lip.

She pulled away, embarrassed. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to bite your lip."

I didn't answer her. Instead I brought my lips back to hers and nipped her lip as she'd done mine before my tongue demanded entrance. She moaned loudly into my mouth when our tongues met. I pushed her roughly to the bed, but this only seemed to double the amount of lust coming off of her. It was like we were picking up where we left off before. She stopped kissing for a second and pulled her shirt off exposing the perfect porcelain skin underneath. I moved my lips away from hers and trailed kisses down her neck; she was panting loudly as I reached her breasts. I ripped her bra off, too impatient to remove it properly. Her hands clasped my hair tightly, and she cried out as my tongue darted across one of her nipples. I moved down her stomach until I was at the waistband of her pants.

"We have to stop," Bella said, her voice was soft and breathless. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let it get this far."

I groaned and pushed away from her. Neither of us spoke for several minutes, both attempting to regulate our breathing.

She sighed, a smile playing on her lips. "I really did come to talk, you know."

I nodded. "Anything in particular?"

"I've been thinking. About what you told me before, about Edward, about Jake, about a lot of things. It's fuzzy, you know? My memories, I mean. I didn't think it would happen so soon. I love him, but all I can seem to think about – or remember – is the pain. I know we must have had something – something special, but I have nothing left in me to prove it. It's like I'm watching a movie on TV, but instead of starting at the beginning, I start in the middle. I know there is a beginning, I just can't see it," she took a deep breath before continuing.

"Even though I love him, Jasper, it doesn't change anything. The pain I felt when he left me was nearly unbearable, I'm sure you know that if you were there. I can't go through that again, I just can't. I barely survived the first time, and now I don't think I could at all. Everything feels so much more intense – more vivid – than before. If the anger, the happiness feels this way, I can't imagine the pain."

"Where does this leave us?" I asked her, terrified of hearing her answer.

She sighed and bit her bottom lip. It took every ounce of self-control I had to not kiss her again. "I don't know, Jasper. I'm sorry for that. I still love him, even if he doesn't feel the same way about me."

"He loves you," I told her sadly. "He always has."

She scoffed. "Does it matter? He left me, Jasper! If he loved me, he would have stayed."

"He had his reasons, Bella, and they aren't mine to tell. Maybe you should talk to him. Allow him to explain."

"What good would that do? It doesn't change the past!" she cried, throwing her arms out.

"Of course not, Bella, but if you don't talk to him, if you don't get closure, you will regret it."

She got off the bed grabbing her shirt and ruined bra. "That is my choice to make," she said before slamming the door as she left.

I ran my hands through my hair and groaned. One step forward and two steps back.

Bella's POV

I stood outside Jasper's door and quickly put my shirt on before heading upstairs to my room. I wasn't mad at him per say; I was mad at myself. I was only irritated because he was right. I knew that I would have to talk to Edward eventually, but that didn't mean I wanted to do it. I was so confused. I had no idea what I was doing. I only went to his room to talk; I have no idea what possessed me to kiss him. I walked into my room and threw myself on my bed, wishing for the thousandth time in the last two days I could sleep. At least then I could escape for a little while. Even the nightmares were better than the incessant thinking and analyzing that I did constantly.

A noise to my left alerted me to the fact that I was not alone. I opened my eyes to find Edward sitting on my couch.

"How long have you been there?" I asked him.

"A while. I came to talk to you, and you were gone," he said calmly. His face was a mask of perfect composure, not allowing a single emotion to shine through. Exactly how he looked back in September.

"I don't want to talk. I want to sleep." I said with a sigh. "Not that I can anymore," I added.

"We need to talk, Bella."

I set my jaw and glared at him. "I have nothing to say to you."

"Fine, you don't have to speak, then, but I have things I would like to say to you," he said and squared his jaw.

I sat up in the bed, curling my feel underneath me and tried to prepare myself for whatever it is that he was going to say. "And if I don't want to hear them?" I taunted.

"You don't have a choice."

I sighed. "I never do, do I?"

He ignored that remark and continued on. "Bella, when I left you in September," he started. My entire body tensed, and I wrapped my arms around my chest. I kept my eyes fixated on the dark blue comforter that covered my new bed, trying to ignore the voice repeating the words in my head. You're no good for me, but to no avail. The words were always there in the background.

"That is exactly what I wish to speak to you about. Bella, I had to leave you. I couldn't think of any other way to keep you safe, to keep you out of danger – danger that I brought to you." His face was screwed into an expression of intense pain, his voice was soft, had I been human, I would not have even heard his next words. "I lied to you, Bella. I told you that I did not want you when nothing could be further from the truth. I told you that you were no good for me when you are the best part of my life. I told you I did not love you, but that was a lie because…"

Anger shot through me white hot. "Stop, don't say another word. I don't want to hear it," I interjected.

"I do love you," he finished.

The pain was instantaneous and intense. It coursed through my veins like the venom that now flowed there. It threatened to rip me apart. I wished for the numbness that used to protect me from this pain. My breath came out in short spurts, and I nearly felt dizzy. I closed my eyes against the onslaught of emotions.

"If you love me, then why did you leave?" I asked.

"You deserve better than me, better than what I can give you. I wanted you to live a normal human life. To find love in a normal human, start a family, grow old. To live without the shadows I brought into your life."

"So you left me for my own benefit?" I asked slowly. "To protect me?"

"Yes, Bella, I did. I never wanted to leave you, please believe me, but I could not continue on the way things were; knowing that I was putting you in harms way at every turn. I sacrificed my happiness to keep you safe because you are the most important thing in my life. I could not bear to think that I was the one responsible for your death. Even now it pains me to know the role I played in damning you to this life."

"What about me, Edward? Did you even think about how your leaving would affect me? Did you even once take what I wanted into consideration? Or were you too busy reveling in your self-loathing to realize that leaving me was not the only option you had? You didn't have to leave, but you did! "

"I did what I thought was best, Isabella. It was a mistake, I see that now, but what would you do if you were in my position? If your very presence put the one you loved more than anything in danger? I couldn't see any other way out! I only wanted to keep you safe."

"Well, that worked well, didn't it?" I spat out, venom dripping from my voice. "You left me alone and unprotected! You took yourself out of my life, but you never took the danger out of my life! Laurent nearly killed me, and Victoria still wants me dead! And it's your fault. A mate for a mate, she said. Too bad it won't be quite the revenge she's hoping for when she finally finds me."

"You're right, that is completely my fault, and I take full responsibility for it. I had no idea the mess I was leaving behind when I left you. I tracked Victoria, but I am a poor tracker, and lost her not long after I began. I promise you that she will not be a threat to you any longer. I can assure you of that." His jaw was clenched, his nostrils flared in anger. I could see the muscles in his arm as he attempted to control his anger.

I nodded. "I know she won't be. The pack will find her and kill her."

"I'm not talking about those dogs, Bella, though they certainly are a problem."

"You don't have to worry about my safety anymore, Edward. I'm not breakable anymore – physically that is. And you've already broken everything else. As far as Victoria goes, the pack will take care of her, they've never let me down. They killed Laurent and they will kill Victoria. You don't have to worry about that. I'm relinquishing you from any responsibility or obligation you may feel towards me," I told him.

"I don't want to be free from you, Bella. I love you," he said, his voice frantic.

"Will you please leave now? I've listened to what you had to say; now I want to be alone."

"I'm not leaving, Bella. You obviously haven't listened to me."

I jumped out of bed and left the room.

"Where are you going?" he asked, following close behind me.

"Why do you care?" I asked him as I flew down the stairs and out the front door. I didn't know where I was going, but the exhilaration running brought caused the pain to err momentarily, so I allowed my feet to carry me wherever they would. The sun was shining brightly, but the canopy of the forest covered me.

I stopped when I reached an opening. In front of me was a beautiful clearing. The grass was tall and unkempt, but wild flowers grew all over, creating an alluring scent. There was a body of water nearby; I could hear the water flowing gently. The place was oddly familiar to me. I had been here before. The memory came to me then. This was the elusive meadow I searched for with Jake. I couldn't remember why I wanted to find it, but I remembered how elated I had been to finally find it. I remember how the pain tore me open when I walked through the trees, how I laid on the ground, curled into a ball. I remembered how I saw Laurent come through those trees, and the huge wolves that had saved my life.

I stayed in the shadow of the trees, allowing the memories to overtake me, but there was something else about this special place. Something had happened here, I could feel it, but I could not remember it. Why had I searched for this place? Why had my body known to come here? What was so magical about this meadow?

"You really don't remember, do you?" Edward said from behind me.

I shook my head.

"I brought you here not long after you discovered the truth about what I really was. It was here that we realized we were in love, Bella. This was our meadow. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You were so innocent, so happy, so trusting of me – monster that I am."

"I don't remember," I murmured to myself. "Whole chunks of my life are gone, empty. I don't remember being happy. All I remember is the pain. I thought I was happy with Jacob, but it wasn't real. He only filled the hole temporarily." Images flashed in my mind, all the pain and hurt I'd felt since September every bit as intense as it was that day.

Edward moved in front of me, his topaz eyes smoldering, his gaze never leaving my face. "I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused you, for the irreparable damage I have inflicted upon you. I am not asking you to forgive me – I don't deserve your forgiveness nor do I want it." He sighed and raked his hand through his already tousled hair.

He looked down at the ground for what had to be only a moment though it felt like hours. When he looked up again, his face was tortured. "Perhaps it is better that you do not remember what we had together. All I've done is bring heartache and danger to your doorstep from the moment I laid eyes on you. I don't trust myself to not hurt you anymore," he said. He brought his head down and brushed his lips gently to mine. "I'm going back to the house now. Please be careful, Bella."

I watched him in disbelief as he walked away. Anger flared in me, getting more intense with every step he took. "So, just like that you are going to walk away?"

He turned around and shrugged, a mask of indifference on his face. "It's for the best."

"Funny how you claim to love me, but all you ever seem to do is walk away! Why did you even bother talking to me, telling me all of those things, if in the end, you were going to walk away? Why? Why did you bother coming back?" I was shrieking now, but I couldn't seem to calm myself down. I followed after him, stumbling over branches in my haste to shorten the distance between us.
"I don't know," he said simply as he continued to walk. "I wasn't strong enough to stay away from you any longer, but that doesn't change the fact that I am no good for you."

"Are you leaving again?" I asked.

He stopped, the muscles in his back tense. "No, I can't leave. I won't put Esme and Carlisle through that again. It's just that, Bella, you deserve so much more than I can give."

I sank to the ground; feeling like the breath had been knocked out of me, powerless to do anything but watch as he walked away. He said it was for the best, but how could it be? Sobs tore through my body as I recalled the conversation we'd just had. My mind wheeled as I attempted to discern the lies from the truth. Was Jasper right? Did he love me? Or was it all a lie?