Chapter 1: The Purple Enigma

When we last left the star of this wonderful tale, the silver-haired former master of Death, he was taking a helicopter ride that he did not volunteer to go on. It was his punishment for robbing a train (the first one to ever exist on the continent) and trying to get away with it. What awaited him at the end of the ride, though, was something he was very interested in: plenty of cash, and the chance to prove his bad-$$-ery to unlucky souls from worlds he hadn't even heard of.

As this segment of the story starts, Gig has made a bit of progress since then. He had been dropped off onto the southernmost area of the island where the grand fighting competition he was now a part of would begin. And I literally mean 'dropped off'; apparently, Random Schmuck Number Fifty-Who-Gives-A-**** (as Gig would always remember him as) thought that he didn't deserve the benefit of a parachute. After removing the sand from his shirt, he was fortunate (in a loose definition of the term) to reunite with Vitali, a familiar face from the past that Gig had dragged into this mess.

And now, they were starting to head into the jungle, in search for answers, justice, and a peaceful resolution to this whole affair…just kidding; Gig's been on Grand Cross Isle for less than a minute, and he's already tired of just waiting for some loser to pop up and get creamed by his two hands. He's also fairly hungry.

"So…are you SURE you didn't get a chance to stuff some hotpods down your pants before you got shipped off to this pile o' dirt?" Gig asked his travelling companion, stomach growling. "I'm freakin' STARVING over here!"

"As you've already told me. In fact, that's the fifteenth time you've told me in less than three minutes. Gig, the purpose of this competition is 'survival'. Other than what we need to fend off any competitors, we're supposed to earn whatever benefits we need to continue," Vitali told him. "Besides, as a chef, I am strictly opposed to unsanitary acts such as storing food inside of one's garments."

"You and your stupid ethics. Well then, guess it's time to take matters into my own hands. I'll run ahead and see if there's any local wildlife waiting to be massacred for the sake of our lunch," Gig said to his travelling partner, as he started to run ahead and pass by him. Before he left Vitali's field of vision, he decided to say something else as well. "One last thing. That guy that zapped me and forced us to come here…you said that you found out that his name was Jade Curtiss on the ride here? If he shows up, tell me. I'll kick his ass so hard, it'll take the term 's**thead' to a whole new level!"

"Fine; I'll survey the nearby area and try to…" Vitali replied. At least, that's as much as Gig bothered to stick around and hear. A hungry stomach waits for no man, and it's even more impatient if you used to be a demon!

~!~!~

Cut to three minutes later, when Gig has gotten himself hopelessly lost…not that he cares, or anything.

"Not a hotpod," the white-haired character mutters as he examines the ground for anything vaguely similar to the one food item worth saving the world for. "Not a hotpod…not a hotpod…not a hot- WAIT A F**KING SECOND!"

As though the secret to total world domination was lying on the ground a few paces back, Gig dove towards what he thought was a hotpod plant with the intensity of a true madman. Almost instantly, he scarped down the plant, not even taking the time to brush the dirt off. "Yes! Yes yes yes! Come to daddy! Oh, that delectable aroma…the taste that flows down my mouth like a mountain stream…how I've missed you so!"

Just then, Gig heard the sound of rustling leaves coming from nearby. Being a tad paranoid, especially since he was powerless, Gig decided to peak through the leaves and see who or what was interrupting his meal. Past said leaves was a small clearing, where a man sitting on a stone was sorting through a duffel bag. Said man was rather…unique, to put it nicely. F***ing ugly, to put it in Gig's words. Over five and a half feet tall, looked like he weighed half of what a man at that height should weigh, had a bulbous red nose and a thin moustache, wore a purple shirt with black overalls…Gig couldn't help but smile. This sucker was either very stupid, or blind; either way, fighting him would be the perfect warm-up.

As Gig stepped out of the bushes and towards the stranger, the odd man got on his feet. The purple-clothed guy didn't take long to speak up. "Oy! Who're you? Some kinda emo nutjob? …Nah; probably just one of those wannabes that thinks they're going to get in the way of me winning those millions of millions of bucks. I'll let you know that you're looking at the amazing Waluigi, and I don't back down from a challenge! …Unless, y'know, I get a good enough bribe."

Gig's expression turned from sadistic joy to utter fury. "…Nutjob? Emo?!" WANNABE?! You obviously don't know who you're dealing with! You are looking at the former killer of kings, and the ex-destroyer of worlds! I'm the indestructible Gig, the most bad-a** and zetta awesome being to walk on mortal ground in the past two centuries! You? You only WISH you were this f***ing smooth! And what the **** does the 'Wa' part in your damn name stand for, ya fa***t? Let me guess; when you were a little brat, you used to s**t in your diapers all the time and cry for your mama, didn't you? You sure LOOK like a mama's boy. You gonna cry for mama in this fight, Wa-Loser? Do you want your bottle? Well, you won't be tasting any liquids except your own blood while I'm around!"

For a second, Waluigi was a bit stunned; censored or not, this wacko was certainly not the 'E for Everyone' type of character he'd find back home. But there was nobody that would stand in his way of winning the competition, going back home, crushing Luigi, wooing Princess Daisy, et cetera. The very thought of somebody that COULD do that infuriated him. "You're just jealous! You really want to mess with the big W-A-L? Do you?! 'Cause if you do, you're going to-"

Waluigi was interrupted by Gig picking up a nearby stone and throwing it at the plumber. Said stone did little damage, but it obviously intensified Waluigi's rage. "That's it; Waluigi time starts NOW!"

Using his limber limbs to his advantage, Waluigi quickly sidestepped the forward lunge that Gig decided to use as an opening move. The plumber quickly darted for his bag, only for Gig to tackle him against the rock the bag lay upon. Before Gig could punch out his teeth, Waluigi reached into the open bag and pulled out his tennis racket. First using it as a shield to block the blow, the plumber then used the sports gear to push the former commander of World Eaters off of him.

Before Gig could attempt another assault, Waluigi reached into his bag again and pulled out one of his trademark Bob-ombs. The mere act of doing this made Gig stop in his tracks. "Explosives? Seriously?! How the hell does a freak like you get the tech needed to blow up half of this freakin' island, and I didn't even get a last meal?! That's it; if I had my powers right now, I'd TOTALLY rip you to shreds right now, just for that! If anyone's going to cause utter chaos and destruction around these parts, then damn it, it should be ME!"

Treating the deadly weapon as though it was but a tennis ball, Waluigi lobbed it with his racket towards Gig. The white-haired ex-Master of Death managed to roll out of the way in time to avoid being hit; while the blast was small, with his lame mortal shell, it wouldn't take much to get KO'd. As Waluigi reached back into the bag and picked up another Bob-omb, Gig grabbed some dirt with his hand and tossed it at him. The plumber was temporarily blinded, and dropped the racket in order to wipe the filth out with his sleeve. This gave Gig enough time to try lunging towards him again, which successfully worked this time.

Before Gig could kick the man while he was down, Waluigi kicked first, knocking the albino-haired one a few paces back. Since he still held a Bob-omb, he decided to pitch it towards Gig. As Gig saw this, he prepared to dodge again…but once the pitch was thrown, it was surprisingly slow. This gave Gig an idea; why not catch the Bob-omb, and throw it right back at him? …Yes, this wasn't the BEST of ideas, but Gig wasn't too focused right now. He had to keep a close eye on the bomb; for a second, he almost thought that there were two of 'em, but he quickly corrected himself.

With surprising luck, Gig managed to catch the bomb, and it didn't explode in his hands. "Ha! Looks like it's time to fight fire with fire! Now I'll…"

Gig stopped talking, as he soon noticed that the item in his hand was transforming from an explosive into…a purple vegetable. Before he could ask WTF was going on, Waluigi decided to tell him. "That was my famous Liar Ball pitch, where I disguise one object as another, and throw 'em both at the same time. And what you're holding is none other than a Whiskered Eggplant! Unless you train yourself to tolerate it, mere contact with your skin will cause a person to toss their cookies! Naturally, it's my favorite vegetable."

"…You're serious, aren't you? That's too bats**t insane to NOT be true, especially considering that I'm going up against some wacko like you. Ugh…that's it, freak! If I end up barfing out those hotpods I've been waiting since yesterday to eat, you are going to PAY! First, I'll rip off those lanky legs of yours with my bare hands, and then I'll shove them right up your…" Gig ranted, until he realized that his opponent was no longer in view. "Hey, where the hell did you-"

"Twist Dunk!"

Gig turned upwards to the sound of the voice, just in time to spot Waluigi treating one of his explosives like a basketball. Specifically, he was slam dunking it through an invisible hoop and onto Gig's head. Though the sickness was already starting to get to Gig, he managed to drop the veggie and dive out of the blast's way. "Hey! No fair trying to blow me up when I'm nauseous! That's…cheating!"

"And nobody cheats better than Waluigi!" the plumber gloated. "I'm gonna be number one on this island, and then I'll go home and whoop Luigi's kiester! And then…I dunno, maybe take a nap. But right now, it's time to end your pretty boy life! WALL-LUIGI!"

Purple vines began to sprout from the ground around Gig. "Great; explosives, AND plant control. This competition is f***ed up," Gig said as he looked for an escape route…I mean, a 'tactical retreat' route. However, the only option was climbing up a tree. Since that seemed quite tiring, Gig managed to step aboard a vine that was still growing, and used it to boost him to the top of the tree.

Gig waited patiently for the plants to desist, watching the purple foliage collide with the tree, not even making a dent. After about a minute of watching this, Gig couldn't help but mutter, "What the f**k are these trees made of?!"

~!~!~

"Fucking trees!" Travis Touchdown, one of the Enforcers located elsewhere on the island, moaned as his priceless motorcycle once again hit a palm tree that refused to shatter on impact. "What're these things made of, Kryptonite?!"

In a fit of fury, Travis kicked the tree as hard as he could. While this luckily didn't result in injury, it caused a coconut to fall and dent one of his bike's fenders. "Aw, shit! …*sigh*…Well, at least I'm not being censored…"

~!~!~

"Motherf***ing plants! Motherf***ing plumber! MOTHERF***ING B.O.R.E.D.!"

Back with Gig and Waluigi, the competition had now become quite a bore. Gig remained in his tree, yelling obscenities at every opportunity. The vines got nowhere, and Waluigi was getting rather tired of all this. "So, the emo kid doesn't want to face the music? Then it looks like the great Waluigi will have to Dance Dance Revolutionize his behind! This looks like a job for my trusty 9-Iron!"

Waluigi reached into his duffel bag, and pulled out his golf club. He then summoned a vine underneath his feet to propel him up to Gig's level. He did not expect Gig to duck, causing the plumber to sail over him, miss striking him with the club, and fall flat on his face. This act broke the concentration needed to maintain the 'Wall-Luigi', and thus the plants shriveled up immediately.

Gig took this opportunity to jump off of the tree, and search for where Waluigi had moved that annoying bag he was keeping his arsenal in. It took Gig one second to find it; Waluigi had quickly recovered, and the bag was now hanging on his shoulder. In addition, Waluigi was holding a Bob-omb in each hand. "At times like these, you've got to ask yourself a good question. Like, does the amazing man in the purple gear have one hundred bombs left, or only fifty? You would NEVER last a hundred, but if you're lucky, you could possibly survive fifty. So you've got to ask yourself another good question: do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?! 'Cause I sure do! Take THIS, you emo!"

And so began the most one-sided duel in history. As Waluigi tossed one bomb after another, each coming only seconds after the last, Gig was forced to prance around like the star of a ballet in order to avoid becoming instant-charbroiled. Just when he felt like he couldn't take much more, Gig managed to dive back behind the large rock, which would give him about two seconds of cover before it got totaled. More importantly, Waluigi's discarded racket was lying nearby.

"So, think I'm just some pansy whose bark is worse than his bite? Ha! Shows what you know, punk! I'm more than you think, and you're a maximum dink! And THIS…" Gig taunted, as he grabbed the tennis racket, jumped out from behind the rock, and used the racket to lob a Bob-omb back in Waluigi's direction, "…is coming right back at ya!"

The explosive made a beeline right at Waluigi's face, and bonked him on the head. In a stroke of bad luck…for the purple plumber, at least…it then landed right in Waluigi's bag o' explosives before going off. The resulting mushroom cloud could be seen for miles, though Gig took cover behind one of the near-indestructible trees before he could get caught in the blast. By the time he could see through the smoke, Waluigi had been blown back by a good foot, and his arm was heavily bleeding. His tennis racket had a sharp point where the handle should be, and the bomb-holding bag was now a pile of cinders that was vaguely bag-shaped. Also, there was a man-sized divot where the blast had occurred.

"Pathetic…this battle's practically over, and Mr. Mama's Boy didn't even last ten minutes! But I have to admit, that was one helluva hit you just took. And you're still alive! …For now. If I wasn't so p***ed off, I'd be kinda impressed. But I am VERY pi***d off right now, so…give me a second. What could I do that would possibly…ah, I know! It's the perfect revenge for a perfect Wa-Loser like you!"

Slowly, Gig bent down so that his face was level with the plumber's. He then carefully moved his hands until they were inches away from Waluigi's face. And then, with one rapid motion, Gig grabbed a hold of the man's mustache and yanked it right off of his face. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Waluigi screamed as the follicles were removed from his face. It was not a scream of pain, but of anguish. "M-my…my beautiful moustache! I-it took YEARS to perfect, you monster! Waah!"

"Heh…so, being a whiner IS what the 'Wa' part stands for. Don't worry too much about it, jerko; I'm actually a pretty nice guy," Gig said. "I'll make sure that you don't live with this pain for much longer. And when I say 'don't live with this pain', I mean 'add more pain until you'll need a 1-Up just to open an eyelid'…not that 1-Ups exist or anything. I should know, having been the Master of Death and all. But, I'm rambling, aren't I? Best to just get down and dirty, and end this now!"

Still pinning the plumber to the ground with one foot, Gig looked at an object lying nearby. It was the remains of the tennis racket; all of the weaving had come undone, and the handle now looked like the kind of stake that you saw in vampire movies. With one swift motion, Gig grabbed the giant wooden spike and drove it through Waluigi's throat, embedding it into the ground. Gig smiled as he watched Waluigi squirm to try and remove the now-bloody sports gear from his throat, looking at the gray-haired Killer of Kings with the upmost desperation, until he finally succumbed to blood loss and suffocation. "Game, set, and match," Gig muttered. "It looks like Waluigi time…has ended. Now, Mr. Lanky-Legs, let's see if you brought anything decent with ya…"

Murder's pretty fun, but it's even better if you can get something good out of it, Gig thought as he looked around at what was left of the surrounding area. The golf club that was lying nearby could prove useful, if for no reason other than it being made of metal. Since most of the other pieces of gear were either shattered or soaked in blood, Gig's next stop was to behave like a soldier in a First-Person Shooter game and raid Waluigi's body. Gig first decided to swipe the dead man's gloves, in case he needed a better grip or needed protection from something…such as the other Whiskered Eggplant that Gig inside of a pocket in the plumber's overalls. Whether it was to use against enemies himself, or to prank Vitali with it, the veggie could be useful.

There was only last thing that Gig wanted to do before he left. There was still a lot of shrapnel lying about, and Gig had a good idea on how to use it. In a matter of minutes, the smaller pieces were being used to pin the remains of Waluigi's dead body to a nearby tree, and the larger pieces were used to start a fire at its base. Finally, Gig swiped Waluigi's hat and put it on his own head, as one last 'f**k you' gesture to the corpse. With everything collected, the ex-Master of Death left the corpse to burn, and decided to walk back towards where he left Vitali. Hopefully, the cook would still be there to prepare a dish or two for him.

~!~!~

Meanwhile, from the safety of an Enforcer base with television screens, one green-cloaked man and a random henchman had just finished watching the action. "It appears as though the fights are progressing smoothly…that one with the purple man and that Gig fellow ended spectacularly, even if it was a tad gory for my tastes," the higher-ranked of the two uttered as he adjusted his glasses. "That's the problem with that C'Baoth fellow; just because you can make a man feel a certain way, doesn't mean that you can control the extent of those emotions."

"Uh, sir? According to our readouts, that one's immune to the Force. That display just now…it was completely natural of him," said the lower-ranked of the two. "What's more, he might have access to a few skills we thought that his current form had disabled permanently…this could lead to another mall incident!"

"Is that true, Henchman number 349? Best to keep an eye on him, then. After all, the blame would fall on my shoulders if he went a step too far."

The henchman looked at the Enforcer a bit oddly, as there had been absolutely no change in his tone of voice. "Commander Jade, sir? Shouldn't you be a bit more worried about this…this madman? This former Grim Reaper?"

"Oh, I'm positively frightened. Why, as I speak, my knees are shaking at a fevered pace," Jade replied, his knees not actually shaking. "Now, run along; I should really get back to studying my samples of the local plant life. Have you noticed how unnaturally tough some of the palm trees around here can be? This could prove to be very helpful in military application, you know."

End of Chapter 1

Author's Notes: Well, there's my first real entry in this competition. I know it's a bit unfair that I'm uploading this much later than my opponent ( GAMBIT508 ) uploaded his, but seeing as I'm Canadian, and school doesn't end for me until next week, my scheduel can be a little overbooked.

...By the way, for those that don't check the official "A Winner is Two!" forum, expect Vitali's first battle to be posted before June 22nd. And hopefully, I should also have a bonus chapter typed up soon...