Better Than Tears

I have no choice. I take a step toward John. He reaches into his pocket. I take another step, and he reveals the detonator I gave to him. It can stop me. It is a threat to my mission. I must kill him before he presses the three buttons sequentially.

"Please don't," he pleads with me.

As I reach for his throat, I see that I have been damaged. My hand and forearm are exposed from my confrontation with Sarah, and two of the rods articulating my fingers have been disconnected. It is... hideous. I am hideous.

"Cameron, please!"

Even knowing what I am, he does not wish me destroyed.

[Termination Override]

I am a threat to John. He cares too much. I must be destroyed.

I hear Sarah enter behind me. She is late. "Get away from my son!"

My cranial armor is struck by Sarah's gunfire. M855. Military ball. It can not harm me.

[Primary Mission: Protect John Connor]

Yes, I must protect him. I make myself an easy target as I stride toward her, then I slap the M4A1 from her grasp, and grip her by the throat. John does not kill me. I need him to. I... want... him to be safe. I want... I am unsure of what I want. To protect him? Yes. To stay with him? I... should not. I am a threat to him.

I remember his reaction to my ploy on his birthday. I know what I must do.

I hold Sarah aloft and apply pressure until she can only gurgle.

"John... I'm fixed now, I ran a test!"

I can see that his legs nearly give out, but he makes no move to kill me.

Still careful not to damage his mother, I keep her silent.

"I don't want to go!"

With tears in his eyes, he presses the first black button.

"Everything is perfect! I'm perfect!" I wish it were true. If it were, then I could stay with- I could protect him.

He presses the second, and to strengthen his resolve, I allow his mother to speak.

"She's lying!"

As his thumb hovers over the red button, my vision blurs and I feel moisture on my cheeks. The damage to my chip must be worse than I had believed.

"I love you!"

Through my blurred vision, I watch him brush the red switch.

"I love you, John, and you love me!"

My audio receptors allow me to hear his teeth as they grinding together with enough force to chip several of his molars.

Sarah starts to speak, but I clamp my hand down tightly around her throat. She has said enough, and I need to convince John that his mother will die if he does not destroy me.

She tries to scream, and I know that she is telling him to run, or at least to look away.

John's thumb tenses, and the resignation I see in his eyes reminds me of the John I used to know. He now understands what he must do.

"No, John!" I scream, "Stop!"

I am too late. He snaps the locket shut, and charges at me. His feeble human limbs wrap around my body, but he is not attempting to fight me. He is pleading with me to come back to him. Pleading with me to kill him. He is begging. He is crying. He is... hugging me.

John Connor is begging. John Connor is crying. John Connor is... touching me.

John Connor does not beg, or cry, or make physical contact with my kind... except for our chips. His behavior... distresses me. He is not John Connor right now.

Sarah is too weak to stand, so I place her against the wall and gently lower her into a sitting position.

I continue to study John. I do not understand him as well as I had thought.

"I love you," he whispers into my torn, blood soaked sweatshirt.

I place my undamaged hand on the center of his back. I am not sure why, but it seems like something I should do.

"I'm sorry, John. I have to go away, now."

I push him back and begin walking down the hall. Derek will help me. I do not like him. He betrayed John's location instead of killing himself. Still, he would die for this John, even if he was unwilling to in the future.

My sensors tell me that I am off balance, and the sheetrock wall dents as my shoulder hits it. I turn to my attacker, but it is not Sarah. John's arms are once more around me.

"No!" he screams.

He does not wish for me to leave.

"I'm sorry," I tell him, then take another step since there is nothing he can do to stop me.

I lose my balance again as he fights gravity instead of my hydraulics.

"I order you not to go!"

This does not make sense. He knows that I do not take orders from him. This time I shove him, and he hits the wall hard enough to momentarily paralyze his diaphram.

"I don't take orders from you," I tell him.

I make it to the end of the hallway before he regains his ability to breathe, and his sneakers squeak on the wooden floor. I turn in time to see the look on his face as his fragile endoskeleton challenges my more resilient metal one. It is a look of desperation, rage, betrayal, and sorrow.

"You're not going!"

I place my hands on his shoulders and hold him at arms' length.

"I have to, John."

He starts pushing against me, trying to get closer, but he can not.

"No! You don't get to say things like that and just leave!"

John's foot hits high on my breastplate. I was not prepared for a blow from such an angle, and must remove my hands from him to regain my balance. When I do, his arms wrap around me again.

"I love you, Cameron!"

Sarah has recovered, but has not intervened. I take the locket from John, throw it to her, and offer verbal instructions on its use. She tells me that she has wanted to destroy me since 1999, but that I have sunk my metal claws too deeply into her son.

He is not John Connor now, and it is my fault. I must protect John Connor, and to do that, I must identify and repair the damage that I have caused. Then I will go.

I inform him of my intentions, and he presses his lips against my cheek.

His lips feel... better than tears.