Will was waiting for him when he finally returned, late in the night. He didn't seem at all surprised that John walked rather than teleported. John was surprised that the roof was inhabited at this time of night. "Feeling any better?" Will asked.
"Did you when Clara died?" John returned. He stood next to William and looked at the ruin the city had become.
"Not for a long time," Will sighed.
"Then perhaps it was not the brightest question to ask," John stated.
"Probably not," Will agreed.
They stayed silent for a while, never looking at each other. They continued to look out at their view. Each man had his own thoughts whirling through his head. However both of them centered on one thing. Helen Magnus. Finally John could bear the tension no longer. "How did it happen?" he asked quietly.
"Air Force dropped a daisy cutter on the village where she was. Most likely it was over before she knew it was going on. She didn't feel any pain."
John let out a short and bitter laugh. "Ashley didn't either but she is still dead, as is Helen. Neither one of them feels pain now."
Will couldn't deny the truth in that statement. "I just thought you might like to know that she didn't suffer."
"I do not find much comfort in the thought but there is some," John agreed. "My thanks for trying at least."
Will nodded and they lapsed into silence again. He knew something of what John was going through. Though he and Clara hadn't been together as long as John and Magnus, it had still hurt when she died. He could tell that John had more to say on the subject. He also knew that he couldn't rush the other man into speaking. He would come to it in his own time. "We were to have a child," John stated.
"I didn't know you two had time to plan for a family," Will said.
"We didn't plan," John clarified. "She simply informed me one day that she was pregnant."
"How far along was she?" Will asked.
"Three months," John sighed. "We were planning to let everyone know when she came back from Argentina." He swallowed around the lump in his throat. "I made her promise that it would be the last mission she went on. After it was done we were going to move to the Arctic colony. We would raise our child together there. We had planned to be a proper family for once."
Will winced in sympathy. He'd had a hard time when Clara died. He couldn't imagine how it'd be if she had been pregnant at the same time. Probably the way he would feel if he lost Kate now. He didn't want to know what that felt like. "You know Kate and I are having a son," he began. John gave a short nod. "We're planning to name him Magnus, as a tribute." He glanced at the man beside him. "If that's alright by you of course."
"She would have been very pleased with it," John agreed.
"Good," Will nodded.
"Do not make the mistake I did, William," John said. "Do not let your son grow up without his father. The pain of being separated from your child is more excruciating than you will ever know. There will not be a day when you do not wonder about them. Whether they are happy, what memories they have created, if they miss you in some way. It is impossible to ever live as you once did."
Will stayed silent as he absorbed the information. Neither John nor Magnus had talked much about the past. They preferred to think about the future. What little future there was anyway. "You knew about Ashley?" he asked quietly.
"How do you think I managed to track her?" John pointed out. "I had watched her for a few days, not knowing that she came from the Sanctuary. I merely knew that the Abnormals in this area had a whisper about not messing with a young blonde girl and her dark haired mother. I watched her fight once. I knew at that moment she was my daughter."
"She was always good at that," Will nodded. "How did you get to the Sanctuary?"
"I got the information from a woman of the evening," John informed him. "I tried to go inside but of course the EM field stopped me. I saw Ashley head out on her bike and followed her through the city." He folded his arms over his chest. "I remember feeling such pride when I looked at her."
"Really?" The word slipped out before Will could stop it. He didn't want to remind John of the man he had once been. Especially with all that had happened to him recently.
Surprisingly John smiled at the commented. "Jack may have been in control," he admitted, "But I was still there that day. And I was struck by how much Ashley resembled both myself and her mother. I was even prouder when I saw the qualities that were unique to her alone. She was a remarkable young woman during the time I knew her, for all her lack of manners and propriety. I wish she had been allowed to reach her full potential"
"Death's a bitch," Will agreed. John let out a snort of laughter. "What will you do now?"
"Healing is practically out of the question," John sighed. "I've nothing left to heal for, no offense intended."
"None taken," Will assured him. "So if you don't heal then what?"
"I do not believe I can stay here," John told him. "It is no fault of yours, or anyone's really. It is simply that her spirit continues to linger here. I cannot be where there is so much of her. It is painful enough with the memories I alone carry."
"No need to explain," Will said. "I get it. But it still doesn't answer the question of what you're going to do."
"I believe I shall go somewhere, to think for a time," John decided. "I have much to think about after all." He caught the brief flash of worry on Will's face. "Do not trouble yourself William. Jack will not resurface. He is buried far too deep for that these days."
Will just shook his head and didn't comment. "You don't expect to live very long do you?" It came out as a question but both men knew it was really a statement.
"Not if I can help it, no," John answered anyway.
"Do you really think she would want that?" he asked quietly.
John made a strangled sound that Will couldn't identify. "Quite frankly, William, I couldn't care less what Helen wants at this moment. She is dead and with her my reason for continuing on all this time. I cannot do it with out her. I never could. It is why Jack was able to take over so thoroughly. Because I could not trust Helen enough to stand by me. I pushed her away and paid the price for it. I'll not do so a second time. I'll not go on while she dead. I cannot."
Will studied the broken man standing next to him. It was an unreasonable statement but then the entire world was unreasonable right now. There was clearly no way to talk Druitt out of his chosen course. "Alright, John," he agreed. "But at least stay the night here. We'll be moving out in the morning anyway."
"Are you sure?" Druitt whispered.
"Like you couldn't use the rest?' Will countered.
"That is true enough," John agreed. He finally turned to look at William fully. "I cannot imagine this is much easier on you," he said. "Helen always thought of you as the son she never got to have. She was always so proud of you and your accomplishments."
"I'm gonna miss her like crazy," Will sighed. "But then won't we all?"
"Some of us longer than others," John murmured.
Will turned to him. "Sorry…really doesn't even begin to cover it, does it?"
"It doesn't," John said. "But I believe the saying is 'it's the thought that counts'. And I understand the thoughts behind it."
"Not like thoughts do much either," Will pointed out.
"No they don't," John agreed. "But then what else do you have when tormented by grief?"
"Not a whole hell of a lot," Will sighed. He looked out at the city again. "Come on; let's get rest while we still can." John nodded and teleported them both back inside. The scraps he'd been using as a bed were taken by a pair of teens huddled together. As Will went to curl around Kate, John searched out a new place to sleep. He pulled his trench coat tight around him and huddled into a corner. It was not the most comfortable position to sleep in but he was too tired to care.
The next day he was awoken by a gentle hand on his arm. He opened bleary eyes to see Kate kneeling next to him. She gave him a shy smile. "Morning," she greeted. "We thought you might want some food before you disappeared on us."
John gave her a stiff smile and allowed her to help him to his feet. "Thank you," he said quietly. Kate slipped her hand in his as she led him over to where the food was. Neither one spoke while taking their food, nor while they were eating. John had too much weighing on his mind and Kate wasn't sure how to say what she wanted. Once the meal was over Kate took both bowls back to the food line. John dug into his coat again. The bright color of the ripe fruit nearly hurt his eyes. He looked at it for a moment until he heard Kate's footsteps coming back. "For the little one," he said, pressing it into her hands.
"They were Dr. Magnus' favorite," Kate recalled.
"They were," John agreed.
"That special trip you made," she started. John looked at her as she struggled with the words. "The only orange groves left are in Florida and that place is completely over run with pale faces."
"So it is," he nodded.
Kate stared at him. "You teleported yourself into the middle of one of the most infected areas on earth just to get your lover a piece of fruit?" she asked.
"She wanted it," he said in a far away voice. Kate watched his gaze go cloudy with the memories. "We were discussing our new child and she bemoaned the lack of good food these days. She was worried about getting the proper nutrients. I teased her about simply wanting something that had far too much sugar in it instead. She got a wistful look in her eye and told what she really missed was the taste of oranges. She wished she could be able to bite into one again." His look cleared and he turned back to her. "I was hoping to make her wish come true."
"I don't even know what to say," Kate admitted.
"There is nothing to say," John told her. "The facts are the facts."
Kate let out a shaky laugh as she ran a hand through her hair. "God, this world really sucks doesn't it?" she said. "Everything's just completely gone to shit and all because of some stupid virus."
"Fate has a way of playing with its creatures and usually in a most cruel manner," John stated.
"Bleak look on life," Kate opined.
"My reason for life has gone," he countered. "Why should I 'look on the bright side' as they say?"
"I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"It is not your fault," John sighed. He no longer had the words necessary to tell her that things would be alright. He wasn't sure he wanted to delude her in that way any longer. With another deep sigh he turned from her and began to walk out.
Kate reached out to rest a hand on his arm. John looked at her hand then back to her face. Their eyes locked for a moment. Then Kate leaned in for the hug. John was confused for a moment before he lifted his arms and hugged her back. Since returning to life at the Sanctuary, John had begun to see Kate as a sort of as surrogate daughter. She was not a fill in for Ashley nor a replacement. She was more like a younger sibling instead. "It's not fair," she muttered. "People like Magnus and Henry, they shouldn't be dead. It's the ones like you and me that should be six feet under. Not the ones that can do real good."
"Apparently destiny has other plans in store for the likes of us," John murmured. Kate let out a huff that was somewhere in between a laugh and a sob. John held her for a few more moments before pushing her to arms length. "Kate, I no longer have a reason to live," he stated. "That died with Helen. But you, you are to have a son soon." He looked deep into her eyes. "Protect that boy with your life for that is what he'll become. Do not let him know what it is like to not know his parents. I intend to die for Helen. You must learn to live for your son."
"I will," she promised.
"You and William will make wonderful parents," he assured her. "You just need to trust your instincts."
Kate studied him. She reached up to cup his cheek. "There's no way to talk you out of this is there?" she asked quietly.
John reached up and squeezed her hand. "No, there isn't," he agreed in the same tone. He sighed as he lifted her hand away. "I have lived far longer than any mortal has a right to," he said. "It is time for me to rejoin my family."
Kate smiled through her unshed tears. "Let a girl walk you out?" she asked.
"I would be honored," John nodded. He took her hand and tucked into the crook of his elbow. She leaned against him as they walked out together.
Will and Declan were waiting for them at the door. "Sure you want to do this mate?" Declan asked. "You could do more good here, with us."
"I have done all the good I can here, Declan," John told him. "It is time for me to look elsewhere." He slipped Kate's hand off his arm and leaned down to kiss her cheek. "Remember what we spoke of," he said. She nodded as she went to stand by Will.
The other man held out a hand to him. "It was an honor to fight beside you," he said. "I hope you find what you're looking for."
John took his hand in a firm shake. "The honor was all mine," he assured Will. "Helen was always very proud. I should hope that you will continue to make her so."
"I'll do my best," Will agreed.
"That is all anyone can ask," John nodded. "Goodbye, William, Kate, Declan. And good luck my friends." With a bow, John disappeared from sight.
Kate curled into Will's arms as she looked at the spot where John had been. "I'm going to miss him," she sighed.
"Aren't we all?" Will said.
Declan looked between the pair of them. "You really don't think he'll back someday?" he asked.
Will snorted. "He's not going to be alive for very much longer," he informed the other man. "Not if he really does find what he's looking for."
Declan stared at him. "You mean you let a man with a suicide mission just walk out of here?" he demanded.
"Technically he teleported," Kate pointed out. Declan shot her a furious glare.
"It's what he wants," Will said. "I'm not taking that away from him."
"So you'll just let him kill himself? Declan asked. "That's what you call being a friend."
Will gave him a weary look. "He wouldn't do anyone any good still living," he explained. "He's like Magnus, tired out of living those he loves. Now he just needs to find his own way to end it." One of the others came out to tell them that the rest of the camp was ready to go. "Let's get moving," Will said. "Our work is with the living." Declan grumbled a bit but the three of them led the resistance band out of the warehouse to new shelter.
Kate looked at Will as they scouted ahead for the group. "John, he's not just going to stab himself in the heart and be done with it, is he?" she asked.
"Not a chance," Will told her. "From what I've know of John Druitt, he's a man that let's his actions speak for him. Especially when it involves love. If he's going out, he's going to do it in a big way. And he'll probably take a good deal of the pale faces with him if he can."
While they were speaking, John was in England at the top of the crumbling building that had once been known as Oxford. He could see no pale faces at this moment but there were plenty of destitute souls searching for somewhere to rest their weary bodies in safety for a moment. John wanted to scream at them. There was no safety any more. There was no peace, no hope, no joy. There was only fear and death. In the end he did as he had a century ago when he let Jack consume him. He closed his eyes and turned his back on humanity. When he opened them again, he was in a new location that he couldn't recognize. He pulled the locket from beneath his shirt. "Soon," he promised to the two women inside.
It took him nearly two weeks to find the remains of what had once been the mightiest military on the planet. The Air Force that had stolen his Helen was currently holed up in a mountain base in Colorado. John detested going to them but he had no other avenues. Getting was easy, convincing them of his intentions was a bit harder. Finally he got one of the older ones, clearly a long veteran from before the virus, to believe all that he said. John could see that the man recognized the utter lack of life in his eyes. He had probably seen it many times before in battle. John could almost see the same look in his eyes. No doubt he would soon take the course John was already on. The man took John to where they stored their weapons and showed him to what William liked to refer to as a tactical nuke. "This will do what you want," he said. "Providing you can get it to the right place."
John ran his hand over the smooth metal. "I will get it there, do not worry," he said in a low tone.
"And how will you get out?"
"That is none of your concern," John stated. He turned his gaze from the bomb to the man. "I need only three things from you. How do I detonate it, how do I call the vermin to me, and where is the most infected area in the United States?"
"The first two can be answered by our scientists," the man told him. "I'll have to search out the last bit for you."
"Then do so," John growled. The man left to get John what he wanted and he reached up to his locket. "Soon," he promised again.