For some reason my pretty little section breaks aren't working. So my POVs keep getting shmushed together with no line breaks grar. I put them in double this time, hoping they will end up showing in the final draft.
Anyway, I'll apolgize early for any grammar, spelling and syntax errors that are included. Apparently it bothers some folks. You're warned early. =D I hope you like my version of Cullen and I hope you enjoy my simpering Amell as well. I type these as they come into my head and while I realize some people may take offense to my version of Cullen, he is, after all, my version.
If you're determined to give me any bad reviews, please make it about the story and not my grammar. Although I appreciate the grammar corrections, I'd much rather have you send your correction notes in a pm =). I will most happily correct the incorrect use of syntax, grammar and other errors, if you'll but just point them out!
Btw, the good reviews literally make me bounce happily in my chair and drag my husband over to read! (yes, literally)
Aerowena and Cullen – Chapter 7 – The Confessions
The dungeon was cold and damp and wickedly, dark. Aerowena imagined it was purposely so. Can't have prisoners feeling warmth and comfort, she thought, glibly. Her candle barely added any light. He was in the far corner untouched by it. She could use magic to lighten, and warm, the room; however, she suspected he wouldn't react well to that. Instead she sat down on the cold ground and leaned back against the wall across from his cell.
"I don't know if you will listen to my words, but I'll speak them." She began to wring her fingers together and stared at them as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. She blew out a sigh and bit her trembling lower lip.
"I'd like to say I grew up in Ostagar, but that's not the truth. I was happy to be free of the tower and I didn't realize I'd traded one leash for another." She took a deep breath and felt the freedom of silent tears. "I was arrogant and cruel, even to the king. Although he was kind, I threw his words back at him. Disdainful, that was who I'd become. Always looking for an angle, I was." She paused, "No I have to go back earlier than that, if I'm truthful."
She paused again, unsure of how she'd word the next phrase. "The night we were together…I was to meet a friend, my best friend as it happens, and help him escape. I was to escape with him. That was the plan on my part, anyhow. I'm not sure if I had changed my mind before I left the room, or after, but instead I went to the First. I told him of the plan, risked everything I'd wanted and worked for, because I couldn't disappoint you." She could make out his head tilting, but that was all. "At the time I had no idea why."
"But, you see, I think I began to change that night." She was back to staring at her fingers, now picking at each one in turn. "And then I was whisked away from the Circle and it didn't matter after all that I'd begun to change. That's the rub you see. I went from bitter to enlightened to bitter once again." She began to wring her hands together and blew into them for warmth. If she was going to be here a while, she'd need some warmth, and so would he.
She called for the guards to bring blankets and more candles. The room was soon filled with light and she could see him, staring daggers at her, largely ignoring the blankets. She didn't dwell on the fact, choosing to pick up her story where she left off.
"I saw such terrible things at Ostagar, but none more terrible than Loghain's betrayal. There wasn't much time to think on it, however. It seemed we had so many obligations by that point. I'm not sure how much bitterness one person can endure, but mine was overflowing." She laughed, but it was mirthless and sad. "You'd think I was full up, but I can tell you that more was to come." She tried to breathe away her anger, but it seeped into her words. She'd thought herself cleansed of this, but talking about it brought it to the surface.
"Lothering is just a small township but it's a place that won't leave my memory." She leaned up now on her knees, staring at him; willing him to understand. "The first thing I came across was a little boy on a bridge, crying for his mother. He argued with me that he would wait there for her. She was so obviously dead, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Instead I offered to find her for him, and of course I found her, dead. I didn't even have the decency to tell him of it, instead I left it to the Chantry. Then I helped a couple who'd been robbed by bandits. I cleared the place of bandits and darkspawn. I spent time there, was given aid there, was given succor despite their terror at helping someone who was said to be a traitor." She looked away then, gritting her teeth so hard her jaw ached. Then she looked back at him meeting him eye for eye "It's not pity I'm telling this for, just so you know. I'm not listing my good deeds, if that is what you're thinking. It's just that...after all I did there, all the time I spent…" Her voice was cracking, but she was beyond caring. "The whole village was gone, not long after we left. All those people I thought we'd helped were dead. The darkspawn had overrun it."
"It went like that everywhere. For every person we saved, a hundred corpses stood in their wake." She sighed heavily and stared off into nothing. "I felt every corpse was piled on my shoulders. At some points I couldn't even feel remorse for the terrible choices I made. I slew a man because he might tell a tale. I caused the death of a child because I wasn't smart enough to lie properly to a demon. I let who knows what into this world to avoid death." She looked at him again, "And I left you to fend for yourself."
"I didn't know, you see, not until The Deep Roads. I couldn't work out in my head how you could think of destroying anyone with the possibility they might be innocent. Not you. Not my Cullen. You were so noble from my memory of the Circle. But, after all, you were only holding true to yourself and your duty."
"It won't work you know" He said it so casually, and quietly, she wasn't sure it came from him. She moved closer to his bars, a small blossom of hope in her breast. "This little tale of yours won't let you inside my head. Did you think I would succumb to this fantasy?"
She wrapped her hands around her waist and looked down at the floor. "Still you think I'm using magic to get in your head?" She decided there was only one way to break this stalemate. Either he came to his senses or he was beyond repair. "Are you so certain that it is blood magic in your head? Let me assure you, it isn't. I could prove it." His look was so disgusted she almost wished she'd said nothing. "
"Do you want to know real from imagination, Cullen? Will you forever wonder if your actions are your own? You fought out demons and blood magic before. It is your fear of not fighting it that holds you captive. Will you not learn to fight it, forever? If I'm able to control you, as you think, then why should I sit here and talk? Why shan't I just snake into your head and make you do as I command? Have you in my bed, my willing slave?" Oh that she didn't mean to say aloud. That's it then, she thought, he'll never come around now.
"Cullen, you once thought me too compassionate. You once said my compassion doomed us all. Can you not see that it's compassion that drives me now?"
He appeared to be taken aback by that statement.
She was madder than he, thought Cullen as he stared at her, willing himself to feel nothing. Even now, as she tried to manipulate him once again, he felt himself giving in. He wasn't sure what to believe any longer. He hadn't much fight left.
She was a blood mage, he was sure of it, but he knew of her deeds as a Grey Warden. His mind had been so foggy since the Tower, but those nights behind the ward, with blood mages, were clear as daylight. Everything replayed in slow motion. Every detail was ingrained in his head. He remembered the mages and demons taunting and teasing him; just as she had. They came to him, as her, night after night. When he wouldn't give in, they showed him his friends, puppets, really, dancing to their strings. His friends pleading with him to join him at first and, later they too taunted.
He watched as they all lay with demons or were slaughtered like animals. No one was spared, save he, and only because he had fought every last one. He killed so many they feared him and locked him behind wards to starve. Since she had freed him, every mage he saw was a threat. He remembered her words, "I won't have the blood of innocents on my hands", she had said. And then he remembered the three he'd slain, their faces; not abominations, people; and confusion slowly gave way to clarity.
His cry was so inhuman she had to cover her ears. It reverberated around the chamber. It was so loud and frightening it brought in the outside guard. She shooed him out the door as she stared at Cullen in astonishment.
He'd fallen to his knees and was grabbing his head as if he'd like to tear it off his body. She wanted to run in and hold him, but her death wouldn't solve his problem. And he was sure to kill her this time. He looked at her then, really looked at her, with such anguish in his face that she knew, instantly, he understood what he'd done, what he'd become.
She was so bloody sick of crying, she nearly flew into a rage with the tears that threatened to come out. She knew he could justify his slayings, even with a clear head, but would he? If he did, she could not save him. She wouldn't even attempt conscription.
"I'm ready then" he said solemnly, standing tall.
"Ready?" she frowned in confusion. Did he know she meant him to be a Grey Warden? "You're ready to do the joining ritual?"
"Joining?" it was his turn to look confused "I meant to be brought before the Circle."
Ah so that was it, she thought. He thinks to make amends through death, but she had bigger plans for him.
"You're not to be brought before the Circle, Cullen. If I deem you to be of sound mind again you can be freed. It's a prerogative of saving the world from certain destruction." She smiled, albeit a slight and cheerless smile.
"I…I need to atone. I killed three innocents. If you will not bring me before the Circle, I will stay in this cell."
She blew out a breath and put her face into her palms. Dropping her hands and clasping them in front of her she stood as close to the bars as possible. "There is another way you could…atone." She'd meant to conscript him all along, for she agreed he needed to atone for their murders. Her only reluctance was the joining, his possible death. "Tis death to some, many I should say, the ritual I mean. Tis death to be a Grey Warden as well, but I suspect that wouldn't deter you." She tilted her head "No, quite the opposite, I should think."
"A Grey Warden?" And with that short question out of the way, he stood and nodded to her.