Much thanks to all of you! I'm finally getting to reconnect with my funny side, so here's a new chapter. I was laughing so hard while I wrote most of this. Especially the whole part with the limo and everything. OMG, rofl. Thank you guys for your reviews: TakerTakeMe, TVL, Takersdarklover, Animal Luvr 4 Life, Rainstar of LightningClan, shinigami sakura2000, Dark Kaneanite, and Esha Napoleon. Onwards we go, to annihilate Het musi!!
Death to Het
Chapter 7: The Rescue Part 3
Shawn paced the yard tugging at his hair in frustration, as though his hair really needed to be thinned down anymore. Glaring at the strands filtering through his fingers he mentally cursed the het Hardy's and even more so he cursed slash Miz and Morrison. Once he got a hold of them they were going to be very, very, sorry. They were still unable to get into the house, even slash Kennedy's sonic-boom-like voice could not crack the door or jar a brick out of place. Ken was now moping in the arms of slash Jericho, he'd actually lost his voice trying to get his friends into the house. He was now having Jericho repeat everything for him.
"Kennedy don't--" slash Matt started but was interrupted by Jericho yelling.
"KENNEDY…hypocrite."
"Don't be upset that you couldn't get us in." Matt finished squeezing Ken's arm. The blond just frowned, his lips quivering.
"COULDN'T GET US IN…INNEDY!" Jericho bellowed. "Parasite!"
"Jericho, shut the hell up." Jeff retorted.
"Shut the hell up, UPPEDY!"
Slash Jeff had to hold his brother back from clocking Jericho, right then and there. Meanwhile, Shawn continued to mumble in his rising aggravation.
"How're we gonna get in now?" JBL asked playing with his Stetson.
"Why don't you think of something." Shawn barked at the taller man and flipped his phone open, hitting re-dial again and getting nothing but Hunter's annoying voicemail. Mark and Glen both smirked when Shawn slammed his cell to the ground and stomped on it. They had finally given up their arguing and came back to the front of the house with everyone else.
"What are you creeps looking at?" Shawn drew his lips into a tight, angry line, his eyes could have burned both men to ashes.
"Nothing, it's just--"
"I have an idea!" Layfield interrupted, slapping his knee in excitement.
"Oh, I know!" All heads turned at the feminine sounding Italian voice. It was slash Santino. "Why don't we-a open up a can of the ass whip!"
Everyone glared at him before his uni-brow trembled with sadness and he slinked off.
"As I was sayin' ya'll, I know how we can get into the goddern house!" JBL crossed his arms over his chest and grinned broadly.
"Well?" Shawn demanded impatiently.
"We can crash the Longhorn Limo through the picture window." John hung his cigar between his teeth and nodded, liking the idea more and more.
Miz tightened his hold on Matt, and the older Hardy passed out again. Miz was becoming more confused as to why het Matt wouldn't freakin' die already. Jeff stood still with the scalpel poised at the throat of Miz's partner, his green eyes transfixed with the scene before him as his brother was taken to the brink of death again and again but always came back. Jeff didn't even notice that Morrison's face was beginning to repair itself, the deep cuts he had made were drawing back together, the letters he had carved into Morrison's cheek were starting to fade leaving only scabs. Even the swelling from the angry bee stings had gone down to being barely noticeable.
"Quit…" Het Matt gasped as his eyes fluttered open again, fiery red from burst blood vessels. They flitted to Jeff and then to Miz as he felt the chain bite harder into his neck. He could feel the warmth of blood trickling down his chest; he knew the links were tearing into his flesh. "Lemme…go…" He coughed and sputtered for air.
"I'm not letting you go until Jeff let's Morrison go." Miz demanded, his face growing hard with his relentless request.
"I'm not letting pretty boy go!" Het Jeff shouted, blinking out of his daze. "I don't care how much you strangle Matt."
Matt stared at his little brother, shocked, but the look was fading as his eyes dropped and his head became dizzy again, colors exploded behind his eyes, his lungs ached with strain and depletion of life.
"Don't freak out Matthew. He obviously can't kill you." Jeff smirked. Matt's answer was a gargled reply, a trail of blood leaked from the corner of his lips.
"I'll pull these chains so tight his head will roll to your feet!" The chains grew tighter still and Matt saw the scene before him fade to black. His body slumped against the Miz.
"We can both play this game." Jeff gigglged madly. "I find it amusing." With a flick of his wrist he sliced a shallow cut, not deep enough to bleed him to death, into Morrison's neck. His eyes flashed at Miz with fear, begging his partner to do something to save him. Blood trickled down his chest and began to soak slowly into his jeans.
"Don't touch him!" Miz shouted pulling the binds around Matt's neck as hard as he could, the strenuous action eliciting an animalistic growl from him. Despite this, Matt's eyes slowly opened, proving he was still alive. "Damn it, are the freaking Hardy's immortal!"
"Let's see if your Johnnie is." Jeff drew the blade over flesh again, this time a little deeper. It was then that his eyes stopped, noticing for the first time that his initials were no more than scars on Morrison's cheek—and fading scars at that. "No!" Jeff howled.
"Um, John I don't think this is going to work either." Shawn stood back and regarded the three crumpled limos while rubbing at his stubble. The door to the third abused carcass opened with a plaintive creak and Layfield tumbled out staggering as though he were drunk, one hand holding his cigar. His hat toppled to the ground and his boot heel found it.
"One more time, I'll get ya'll in here! Wee-hah this is fun!" The Texan crowed as he held his head and sat down hard on the ground, laughing when he noticed his hat crushed in the mud.
"Damn, you'd think after ramming that window three times it would bust." Slash Jeff murmured studying the pane intently. "Not even a crack."
"Maybe the het Hardy's have bullet-proof glass in their house. We'll have to remember that Jeff. We need some for our house." Matt mused running his hand over the locks Kofi had done in his hair.
"It's not bullet proof." Mark laughed. "Just idiot proof." He pointed at Layfield who had got another limo—his black one—and was revving the engine like a madman.
"He's having way too much fun with this." Glen put in with a smirk. "I bet he's never even drove one of his own limo's before."
There was a squealing of tires and the smell of burning rubber as the sleek vehicle propelled forward. They could even hear JBL's banshee holler as he sped towards the window. Matt and Jeff scattered as the car sped towards the window they had been standing in front of. The next sound was worse than the screech of the driver, the wail of metal crunching as it met brick and the shattering of glass caused everyone on the lawn to cringe.
Almost afraid to look, Shawn opened one eye and cringed back again when he saw this fourth limo wrecked worse than the other three, the het Hardy's picture window still fully intact. The group of slash musi waited for JBL to fall out of the car again. Surely number four would have done enough damage to him to at least make him pass out for a while. After a few moments there was nothing, and some of them started to worry.
"Oh no, if Hunter and Punk come back and Punk finds out we let John become a martyr for our cause, he'll go ape-shit!"
"APE-SHITTEDY…washed up old has been!"
"Jericho, if you be sayin' another word mon, I'll--" Kofi stepped forward ready to shut the Canadian up for good but Shawn pushed him back.
"Guys, now is not the time. John might really be hurt…or even worse." Glen worried, chewing at his lips.
"Guys, we can't die remember?" Mark rolled his eyes. "There was that one time, not so long ago, when Hunter stabbed me!" Mark roared, his anger flaring at just the memory.
Just as Mark explained, two hands were seen at the roof of the limo followed by a head and shoulders.
"I'm okay…really I'm fine. Glad ya'll love me enough to check." JBL bit back sarcastically. He pulled himself up through the sun roof. "The doors are stuck, and there's no way for me to get to the back doors from up front." John explained as he struggled with the small space, getting hung up at his waist. The group could hear him muttering curses. Soon those curses were more than muttered, but shouted as loud as Ken might have been able to expel them if he hadn't lost his voice.
"FUCKEDY!" Jericho exclaimed. Mark saved Kofi or anyone else the trouble, and punched Jericho in the back of the head. The blond sank to the grass, momentarily unconscious.
"Would ya'll believe I'm fuckin' stuck in this goddern, mother--"
John stopped his bitching and tugging when he heard all the laughter. Even Shawn was rolling around on the lawn holding his sides. Obviously, it was amusing that JBL was stuck in his own sun roof.
"Okay guys, I'm back!" Hunter called as he ran across the lawn. He stopped short when he saw everyone in hysterics. When Punk saw the limos strewn around the yard as though it were an automotive graveyard, his eyes grew to saucers and he hurried over. When he saw John stuck in one of them he climbed up and started to help.
"Least you care enough not to laugh at me darlin'." John cooed as Punk tried in vain to help. The young man brought his serious gaze to JBL's.
"John, how many times do I have to tell you I'm straight-edge?"
"Well I know that, but what does that have to do with any of this?"
Punk rolled his eyes.
"Straight-edge people don't laugh." He deadpanned.
As Punk was trying to figure out a way to get JBL out of the limo, Hunter found Shawn and proudly showed him the bags of bombs he had bought at Bomb Depot or where ever it was he had went to. On the plastic bags were yellow Wal-Mart-like smiley faces with turbans on them.
"Look Shawn, I got the bombs!" Hunter exclaimed happily. "They even gave me a discount and a gift card for a free flying lesson…it's only one way though. That's weird." Hunter furrowed his brow as he inspected the card more carefully. "Wow! It says if I successfully complete the flying lesson, I'll get forty virgins!" Hunter cheered. Shawn snatched the card away from it.
"Hunter dear, you don't need forty virgins when you have me." Shawn stowed the card away for later shredding. What Hunty really needed was forty brain cells. "Let's get this thing going. We're taking way too long to get into the house. We've tried everything else and none of its working."
Soon Hunter was readying the bombs. He complained that JBL was cursing too loud and ruining his concentration and that he needed some dramatic music to set him in the mood for proper action. Jeff was the only one who had an I-pod on him and the only thing on it was an audio reciting of Shakespeare, so that had to do. Meanwhile Glen was using his spare tube of lube (which he always carried on him just incase the occasion arose for it…no pun intended) to get JBL out of the sun roof.
"Harder!" John demanded as Punk pulled on him. "You gotta yank harder!"
"Ha, I bet you hear that all the time Punkers." Glen snorted.
"Shut up and lube!" Punk shouted.
"Once again." Glen out right laughed as he squeezed more of the stuff out of the tube.
"Leave it to you to get stuck in a tight place." Punk growled at John as he took a moment to get a better grip and pull again.
"What can I say darlin'…bigguys like me get stuck in tight places like you. I mean er—like sun roofs."
"John, can you not talk and just let me work here?" Phil instructed, and of course Glen snorted again.
"Hey guys!" Shawn called up to the threesome. "Is he coming?"
"Yeah, he's coming…it's just slow going. If I pull harder I think he'll come soon!" Phil called down. His faced burned bright red when everyone laughed at his reply, all of them taking it the wrong way.
"Well hurry it up!" Shawn called back. "Hunter's ready!"
"What does Hunter have to do with this?" John grunted as he slid out a little more.
"He's going to blow it up." Glen pointed to the house. "We tried everything to penetrate that damn place, Mark and I even tried the back door but we couldn't get in."
"Oh please, please help me." John stammered as Phil tugged on him harder. "Ow, ah—be careful!"
"What?" Glen wandered. JBL glared at him and Glen replayed his last sentence in his head about blowing, and penetrating, and back doors. "Oh…" Glen smiled sheepishly.
"What's he stuck on now?" Punk gasped as he fell back, tired from the hard work. "Is his belt buckle stuck? At this point I don't know what else could be…" Punk trailed off, he and Glen shared knowing glances.
"This is not the time to get horny Layfield!" Glen shouted. "Punk do something!"
"Me? I can't fit my hand between--"
"No not that!" Glen pulled a face. "Turn him off, surely there's something about you that turns him off. You have some annoying habit or something, just do it so we can get him out of here already!"
"Um…sorry I can't think of anything." Punk grinned. "I'm just one big turn on."
"What are you guys doing now!" Shawn appeared at the side of the limo, hands on his hips, glaring up at the three. Phil was beat red and Glen had a smart-assed grin on his face. John just looked like he was enjoying the whole situation a little too much.
"We're um…trying to turn him off." Glen giggled.
"Huh? Turn him…oh. You mean to tell me that's what's holding up the climax of our entry into the het Hardy's place?" Shawn rolled his eyes.
"Can ya'll quit talking so dirty it might help!" JBL half-heartedly yelled.
"Hey John, income taxes!" Shawn called out. "Recession, fore-closure, economic slump, depression-- "
"Okay, he's out now." Phil called down. "Good thinking Shawn. He's all about that economic crap. If the stock market's down, then John's down too…I really hate recessions." Phil scowled in thought as he helped John down from the limo. "But on the upside, recessions are good for building strength in the hands and wrists."
"Phil darlin', quit talking you're embarrassing yerself."
Punk immediately turned crimson.
"Did I just say that out loud?"
"Yup."
"Finally!" Hunter cried as the last wire was in place. "It is finished!" He placed the bomb carefully by the front door. Setting his finger on the detonator he was ready for the big bang. Just as the button was nearly pushed down, a small creature popped out of the bushes. "Damn trolls!" Hunter yelled. "Fucking Gremlins! They always steal my bombs! Well, not THIS time!"
"No wait, that's not a Gremlin!" Shawn tried to stop Hunter but it was too late. A booming fireball engulfed the het Hardy's home and bricks and pieces of furniture flew kamikaze over the lawn. "That was Hornswoggle!" Shawn finished with a tearful wail.
Hunter's mouth fell open in shock.
"Oh shit…what are we going to tell Finlay!"
Did you LOL?? I got a bit carried away with the gutter humor with the whole JBL-stuck-in-the-limo thing. But…I had fun doing it…so I will remain devious whenever the notion hits me. Lol, JBL seems to be good for devious inspiration. Did I just say that? O.o…I did didn't I.