Basically the only thing I have to say about this chapter, other than my thanks, is that it is really crack…but I'm sure you all know that already. Oh, and Morrison decided to be really creepy in this one, rofl Mor. Oh yeah, and the thing with Taker is credited to Souless666 who had the idea in one of her reviews, and I thought it was too golden to pass up, but the concept was her idea. K now the thanks, then I'm done babbling. Thank you guys so much: SkyeEyes16, Dark Kaneanite, Esha Napoleon, DX-Dynamite, shinigami sakura2000, Souless666, Takers dark lover, Animal Luvr 4 Life, and Mayhem.

Death to Het

Chapter 10: Coming Home Was Never So Crazy

At the top of the hill was a small figure, hunched against the wind that picked up, signaling the incoming storm clouds. The stained tail of the cloth wrapped around his hand fluttered against the sticky breeze, and his rainbow hair ruffled gently around his shoulders.

"I can't believe they hurt you baby." Maria whined as she took his hand gently and kissed it.

"Hurt me? They can't hurt me." The man smirked and uncoiled the bandage, revealing his had equipped with five normal looking fingers. Maria clapped her hands and jumped for joy. When he'd came to her house to hide out, after living in a cave for a few days, he'd only had four fingers, and he explained that somehow Hunter was responsible for that…something about an explosion.

He had hoped for a nice homecoming, but ending up at Maria's house wasn't as nice as he thought it would be. He tried to go to Maryse, but het Jericho and Morrison were both with her and the three of them couldn't stop fighting over who was hotter. So, he'd been left with going to the home of the girl he was paired up with regularly.

"You found your finger and put it back on?" Maria asked, smiling in the darkness and hugging him. He shrugged her away coldly.

"No, I didn't find it. I haven't been back to the house since they made it into rubble. That's not the point, it grew back. We're musi and we can't physically be killed or maimed…it rights itself. I just learned that recently."

"OH…then I should apologize to Torrie." Maria said quietly nibbling at her fingernails.

"Huh?" The man in the darkness momentarily turned his gaze away from the slash town below, a few yellow lights still winked from the windows. He raised an eyebrow at her, his tiger-like eyes flashing.

"She told me that she got pissed at Cena for sleeping with Melina…or was it Trish? I don't know but anyway, she um…said that she lopped off his balls."

"What?" Came a chuckled reply.

"Yeah but she said a couple days later he was walking around the house nude flaunting his balls at her, which, he wasn't supposed to have because she chopped them off. I told her she was batty and I didn't believe her." Maria finished.

"I see…next time Maria, keep John's nuts to yourself." He growled, curling his lip in disgust.

"What?"

"Never mind." He rolled his eyes. Sometimes he forgot that she was there to fuck with, not for intelligent conversation.

"So baby why did you bring me out here?" She latched onto his arm, and he sighed.

"You followed me." He barked. "Anyway, I'm plotting, or trying to."

"Plotting what Jeffy?"

In the darkness, she saw the moonlight capture his smirk and the glimmer in his eyes.

"The deaths of the slash musi." Jeff tossed his head back at the moon, like the trickster coyote and laughed, an eerie sound in the dead of the night.

Hunter wiggled the doorknob, hoping Shawn had somehow forgotten to lock up, but no luck. Hunt was always the one forgetting to do that, never Shawn.

"Damn it." He cursed under his breath. He was hoping to get into the house without waking his sleeping lover inside. He'd been hiding out in the woods for about a week and really wanted to come home, if not just to shower. When he'd raised his arms to stretch this morning, a bird and two squirrels fell dead from the tree he was curled up against. He figured that was a sign he needed to swab out the pits. Now, it was just a matter of getting into the house. Hadn't something like this happened before? Hunter pulled on the hair of the full beard that was growing on his jaw. Oh yeah, that was at the het Hardy's…and they got in there with a bomb.

Hunter thought briefly about running to the store to buy some explosive material, but if he went there looking like he did, they might mistake him for a terrorist. Plus, blowing up a house is what got him into the trouble he was in to begin with.

"Oh, wait." Hunter mumbled, fishing through his pockets. He pulled out a key ring and face-palmed himself. Of course, he had a key to the house.

Soon enough Hunter was inside and trying his best to tip-toe through the place without waking Shawn. It wasn't meant to be, as he ran into something in the darkness and banged his shin. He grabbed it immediately and hopped around on one foot, and he managed to bite back his curses…that was until he fell into Shawn's valued art piece. It looked like a giant vagina sculpture and Hunter had always wondered why Shawn had been attracted to it, since he obviously wasn't attracted to the female anatomy. With a cry Hunter toppled backwards and upstairs Shawn sat up in bed at a loud crash. He fumbled for the lamp, and once it was on he sat there for a moment, wondering if he'd just imagined the sound.

Just in case, he grabbed the shovel that was next to his bed and crept to his door, ready to whack whoever might enter. Shawn pressed himself against the wall in wait. Soon, the door flung open and Shawn jumped out of his hiding place, his eyes going wide when he saw a big, scary looking man, with a hobo-beard.

"Burglarizing Mountain Maaaan!" Shawn yelled and swung the shovel, connecting it with a solid 'thunk' to the intruders head.

"Ow, Shawn!" The intruder yelped, and Shawn rained more blows with the shovel on his head and shoulders. "SHAWN IT'S ME HUNTER!"

Shawn landed one more thump to the head then dropped the shovel wearily.

"Huh?" He squinted in the dimness of the room, and immediately recognized the nose. There was no mistaking that honker. "Oh, Hunter!" Shawn flung himself at the bigger man, ready to wrap him in a hug, but then stumbled back. "Ick, ew, God, you are pungent!"

Hunter rolled his eyes.

"Nice homecoming welcome I get." He muttered, heading for the master bathroom.

"Hey!" Shawn yelled after him. "You deserve that beating I just gave you, I know what you did to Mark!"

Hunter poked his head out of the bathroom, looking guilty.

"Um…well…okay yeah I blew up Taker." He admitted. "Hey, why the hell do you have a shovel in the bedroom anyway?" Hunt narrowed his eyes at Shawn suspiciously.

"Oh, it was for het Big Show." He shrugged. He saw the confused look on Hunt's face so he went on to explain. "Well, some of us have been where we are supposed to be, working to further our cause. Anyway, Jericho, Christian, Evan, and Kozlov, and I, all got het Show tonight. The shovel was for burying him in the grave Jericho dug. God, did he bitch about that. Y'know Chris, he really doesn't like to get his pretty little hands dirty. See, if you hadn't blown up Undie, then we could have had an expertly dug grave but noooo…" Shawn wagged his finger at Hunter who dropped his eyes to the floor for a few moments, then quickly flicked them up.

"Wait, you buried Show? That had to be a big ass hole." Hunter tilted his head to the side. "No pun intended but heh, that was pretty punny wasn't it?" He grinned at Shawn.

"Funny like a toothache. Anyway, we lured Big Show to the graveyard then knocked him into the grave and started to bury him alive. He freaked the hell out, a big guy like him, is terrified of tight places. He went 'poof' away, and thus, we rid ourselves of another het muse." Shawn finished.

"Great, but…how did you lure him there and how did you push BIG SHOW into the grave?"

"We lured him with a trail of cookies. Easy peasy." Shawn smirked. "And Kozzy got him actually in the grave, that guy can take anyone down. I think he might be a Terminator."

"Kay. Well, I'm going to go shower." Hunter raised his arm as evidence that he REALLY needed some soap under there, and Shawn's eyes rolled back, and he passed out on the floor.

"Gotcha." Hunter laughed manically.

Later

Hunter grumbled as Shawn stood up at the top of the stairs and tossed a pillow at him, followed by a blanket.

"But I just got home from sleeping in the damn woods and I don't want to sleep in the basement with Miz and Morrison! They never sleep anyway they just drink Amp and fuck all night!" Hunter whined. "Please don't expose me to that!"

"That is for nearly committing homicide with your stench!" Shawn huffed, turning back and sauntering to their room with a yawn.

"Wouldn't that be HOMOcide Shawn? Heh, I'm on a roll." Hunter laughed as he gathered the pillow and blanket and reluctantly went to the basement.

"Miz, Miiiiiiiz!"

Hunter heard Morrison calling the Mizzies name as he made his way carefully down the basement stairs, picking his way through the empty Amp, Rock Star, and Red Bull cans.

"Guys shut up with the loud sex, I'm coming down here to sleep, and expect to sleep." Hunter growled as he reached the last step and tripped over blue, glittery, vibrator. "Ew."

Morrison came running over to Hunter, in a velvet thong none-the-less, and looking panicked.

"HE OVERDOSSED!" Morrison wailed, grabbing Hunter's shoulders and shaking them.

"On what?" Hunter rolled his eyes and followed John to a corner where Miz rocked back and forth rambling incoherently.

"Um…20 Amps, 12 Red Bulls, 7 or maybe 8 Rock Stars, a liter of Mountain Dew, a bag of sugar, and half a bottle of Viagra."

"Damn." Was all Hunter could say. "Well good luck." He yawned and stretched out on Miz and Morrison's bed, then thought better of it, and laid on the floor.

"Why does he have Viagra?" Hunter mused, chuckling. "And guys, you really should pick up your sex toys too. I almost tripped over that Jericho looking mechanical dick thing that you have."

"Heh, well as for the Viagra, it's Shawns. I stole it." John tried to get Miz to come over to the bed, and the wide-eyed guy just started to shriek.

"Shawn does not have Viagra!" Hunter defended. "I would know!"

"Obviously not." Morrison said, shushing Miz and wiping his sweaty face.

"Then why'd you steal it, you don't want us having sex?" Hunter whined.

"I um…uh…I like stealing…really like stealing other peoples sex toys and sex related things." Morrison blushed, fumbling over his words. "That's why that vibrator is very Jericho, it was his. I have one of Addy's too. It has BATISTA written on it in Sharpie. The velvet thong I have on was Jericho's too. It still smells like him."

"More shit I really don't need to know." Hunter mumbled as he rolled over and closed his eyes, hoping to get some sleep without having nightmares about dildos.

Just as Hunter drifted off to sleep, there was a commotion upstairs and he woke up. Miz rushed back to his corner, screaming and scratching at his face. John was up immediately trying to calm him again.

Furious, Hunter stormed upstairs but stopped short when he saw a tall, dark, shape lurking in the kitchen. He found the light switch and the room was flooded with illumination. He heaved a sigh of relief, it was only Mark, although, he did look different.

"Hunter, you son-of-a-bitch!" He growled, stepping forward in a way that was somehow not as threatening as it should have been. "I'm going to kill you for fucking blowing me up—oh hey do you have Skittles in the house?" Taker veered away from Hunter, suddenly distracted, and began to pull things out of the cabinets.

"What the hell?" Hunter muttered as he watched. The more he watched, the more he realized what was wrong with Mark. He was…Jeff-like. He was wearing leather pants that said 'Deadman' down the side of the leg, which was pretty typical, but up top he wore a black mesh shirt, on one arm he had a neon pink arm sock, and his nails seemed to be glowing in the dark, painted. Hunter clapped a hand over his mouth, trying not to laugh.

"What are you laughing at?" Taker griped as he pulled more things out of the cabinets. He swept back a few pieces of hair that was falling out of the girly little bun he had it in.

"You." Hunter slipped, before he could stop his mouth. "What the hell is this?" He couldn't hold back anymore and doubled over with giggles.

"Well H, it seems like some dumbass blew me up. I've spent the whole week reassembling and getting back to normal—or I thought normal." Taker held up his left hand, it had six fingers. "Seems like I got het Jeff's pinky finger in the process. It's like a really bad version of "The Fly". I guess our DNA mixed and now I'm…Underhardy, The Lord of Skittles."

Hunter fell to the floor, clutching his sides, laughing and crying.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Underhardy yelled, slamming his fist on the kitchen table.

"IT SO FUCKING IS!" Hunter sobbed.

Lol, I just got the image of Underhardy eating Skittles from his urn. I might have to stick that in here sometime. XD