Chapter 4 – Mixed Emotions
Christian's POV:
15a Turpin Road – 9thNovember 2009 – 4.11pm
"Um, can I borrow something"? I turned. I smiled as I saw him wearing a towel around his waist. "Yeah sure, there's a shirt over there. I've left you a pair of James' trousers because he's probably a better fit than me.". I indicated with my head to the bed. "It's nothing I haven't seen before you know". He angrily picked the shirt up. "I thought". He paused as he pulled the shirt over his head. "We weren't going to talk about this".
I sighed deeply. I'd been standing at the window watching James as he left. His overly protective motherly act was doing my head in so I'd persuaded him I was fine and sent him home. I'd almost felt bad because it had started pouring down with rain, but the thought of him asking me if I wanted another cup of tea had changed my mind. He'd told me that he'd ring me as soon as he was home.
The wind howled against the window while the rain spattered against it. Each drop was coming thick and fast, straight after the last one, it was relentless. That was one of the many things that I loved about Mother Nature. She could show you the most beautiful things, like the Sun rising over us and shining, bringing the whole world to light, but she also could turn in a split second. I turned my attention to the sky. There were dark grey clouds and it looked as if there was going to be one hell of a storm tonight.
I watched as Janine and Ryan ran across the Square. They were sharing a black umbrella together. She shouted as he moved it from over her head. In those few moments, her curls were already coming undone. She stomped off into the flat and shut the door on his face. I smiled to myself as he pounded the door. "Hell hath no fury, like a woman" My mother always said that to me and this mini-typical soap-esque like scenario between Janine and Ryan had reminded me of it.
I'd been watching the world go by from my flat window, when I'd seen him. He'd been walking up through the Square and was near the flat when he's stopped with a glum expression on his face. He was looking at his phone and I saw him stamp his foot childishly. He looked around and saw me from my window. He started walking again but I was already halfway out the flat with an umbrella. I called him into the flat but he'd stubbornly ignored me. "This is no time to be stubborn, Syed. You're going to catch a death of a cold. Just come inside". I could see it on his face as he was wavering.
I took the opportunity to discreetly look at him. The rain was dripping down his face and his white shirt was clinging to his body tightly underneath his black leather jacket. The wind picked up around us and I tried again to persuade him. "We don't have to talk about nothing, just please come in". A lightning crash could be heard over us. Well, it worked considering it had sent him scurrying into the flat with me before the next torrent of rain came down on us.
I'd chuckled quietly as we walked upstairs and he told me that he'd forgotten his keys, his parents and Jane had gone to a function so the unit was shut and he'd left his keys at home with his house keys. The pub was still closed from the fire so he had nowhere to go, to shelter from the rain. He'd been on his ways to Amira's when she'd sent him a text to say she also was out, when I'd seen him and more or less saved him from catching pneumonia.
I turned my attention back to the current situation. A few seconds had passed. "I knew I should have gone to the cafe. This was a bad idea". "The cafe? I didn't know things are that bad between us, that you would rather have Ian's company than mine". I almost thought he was going to smile but he didn't.
I couldn't understand him. After that hospital visit, I hadn't seen him or heard from him at all. It just didn't make sense. I walked over to the counter and picked up two mugs of steaming tea. I held one out to him. He hesitated. "I don't charge you know". He took a mug, being careful to avoid touching my hands. "Sorry". We walked over to the sofa. Syed took a seat on the far end. My shirt was too baggy for him, but it almost suited him, because he looked vulnerable. It was like he was lost in the shirt and I was right about the fitting of the trousers. We sat in silence.
"Where's James"? I placed my mug onto the coffee table. "He's gone home". "What, why"? His face was a picture of genuine shock. "He wasn't going to stay here forever". It was Syed's turn to put his mug down. He turned to face me. "But – but I thought you and him.." I raised my eyebrows at him. He trailed off and looked at me. "What? What exactly did you think Syed"? It was almost as if I could see missing pieces of jigsaws slotting together in my head. It all made sense. Of course! No wonder he didn't come. I felt like a complete idiot. How could I have not realized? He was jealous. "You're jealous". My voice was incredulous. "No, I'm not". "Yes you are". He stood up and automatically I stood up with him. "What makes you think that"? Syed's voice was challenging me. "Let's see. You come to the hospital to see me, yet you hardly spoke to me there. You spent the whole time watching both of us; you've avoided me ever since then". "I was not watching you two". "Yes you were Syed, just admit it. I saw it in your eyes when you left. I just can't figure out why it took me so long to realize". Syed never spoke. His silence was all the confirmation I needed. He looked down at his hands which he was tying together nervously.
"What's wrong"?
"When you were in there Christian, I thought I was going to lose you forever". Finally. He was actually talking to me, letting me inside his head and into his thoughts. Gently, I took his hands and sat down with him. "It was – it was so hard. When I heard that you were in there, I swear I thought my heart would stop. Then actually seeing you up there in the window with me screaming at you to come out, then when you fell from my view, I – I didn't even know what happened. All I knew was that I had to get you out and well like you know, I tried to go in".
WHAT? This was definitely news to me. Syed had come in after me? "No". My voice was barely audible. "I don't know". "Didn't anyone tell you"? I knew his expression was mirrored on my face. Words failed me so I just shook my head at me. "Everyone was so concerned over whether I was going to live, no one actually told me". Syed didn't speak for a moment. "Lucas went in first, and I went in after". I breathed slowly, exhaling carefully. "What happened?" My voice was sharper than I intended. Syed's voice was shaking slightly as he spoke. "I ran – I ran up and took the sheets that you threw down for Amy and I ran into the Vic".
"Oh Syed". I looked at him intently. "Why would you do that"? "I – I had to, Christian. I couldn't leave you up there". I shook my head. "You could have been killed!" He'd run into a fire to save me. "It didn't matter". I looked Syed full into the face. His eyes showed me that he was deadly serious. "I – I couldn't leave you up there. All alone, scared". He looked down at our hands which were so close together, yet not actually physically touching. "What happened next"? I didn't realize I was whispering, until after I heard the words leave my mouth. "I ran in and stopped at the foot of the stairs. The fire was contained there. I prayed for you, and ran in". His voice was hushed. "Then ..?" I needed to know what happened next. "I made it to the stairs, but I was dragged out before I could run upstairs". I nodded slowly as my brain absorbed this information in. "How could you do that"? Syed jumped at my voice. I didn't realize it was so loud. "Wha – What?" "How could you come in after me?" I could imagine Syed running in. My stomach turned as I thought of him in those flames, in danger because of me.
"You would seriously risk your own life for me? Why? You could've been hurt. Seriously hurt". I was no longer standing and was now pacing the room. I turned and looked at Syed. His face showed me that I'd touched a nerve. I stopped and stared at him. I realized how that actually must have sounded to him. I walked over to him and held his warm face between my hands while I stared deeply into his eyes. "You must promise me that you will never ever risk your life for me". He started to shake his head but I held fast. I drew my face closer to his and stopped when all I could see were his eyes. "Promise me". My heartbeat was increasing. Just being in such a close vicinity to Syed was having this effect on me. He nodded once and only when he did, did I let go off him.
"What was it like for you? Up there?" I pulled a face. Was I able to tell him? My conscience was speaking to me quietly. Well, who would have thought? There was a voice I hadn't heard in a while. I told it to shut up so many times, it probably decided to listen to me. Then again, that was only because it kept reminding me that Syed was taken and I hadn't actually wanted to hear it. It was bad enough trying to separate my head and my heart from each other without my conscience kicking in as well.
"I told you my side". Syed raised his eyebrows at me."Ok, fine. It was hard, ok?" "Tell me properly, please". Syed's curiosity was showing through his face. It wasn't too hard for me to cast my mind back. I started at the beginning ...
"Roxy and I made plans to go out for bonfire night but she's cancelled on me at the last minute. I was going to go to the Square but I saw you and Amira together so I changed my mind".
Syed interrupted me. "I'm sorry for not getting back to you", I didn't speak. Was he really? "I was meant to, but I didn't have enough time and was going to phone you the following day". I stared long and hard at him. By looking at his face, I could tell that he wasn't lying to me. I blinked my eyes and continued with my story.
"Anyway, Roxy was waiting on Jack and long story cut short, I offered to babysit". Syed interrupted me again. "I really am sorry". "I know. Look, do you want to hear what really happened or not?" He nodded. "Sorry" I smiled inwardly.
"Amy had been crying. I'd picked her up from the cot. Nothing worked, she didn't stop, so I'd laid her down on the bed and rested her against my chest. Before you knew it, we were both asleep. I woke up when I heard the explosion. Amy was crying as well and I could smell smoke. I'd run out onto the landing and looked down. Flames were already coming out of the cellar. I called out but no one replied, so I knew it was only Amy and me who had to get out"
I paused. Syed's eyes were wide. I could recall the whole incident in my head vividly. I shuddered slightly. Syed noticed. He quickly stood up and came and sat with me on the bed. "Its ok, I'm here for you". I smiled a small smile at him. I don't think he could imagine how good that made me feel.
I'd run back, picked Amy up and ran back out again. But by the time I got to the stairs, the flames were at the bottom. From what I could see, I thought the whole of the downstairs was alight. I'd shut all the doors on my way back. I read somewhere that it stops a fire from spreading. Then I as I'd shut the door in Roxy's room, I knew the only way out was the window. As I approached it, I could see that nearly all the Square was out there. I couldn't even made head or tail of what anyone was saying. I was still in shock then. It was all like a mass of voices coming at me, intelligible. It didn't make sense to me. Amy's cries woke me out of the stupor I was in, but it was her coughs that bought me to my senses. I'd acted on impulse. When I turned around and saw her little pink face wailing, I knew I had to save her. She was relying on me. Someone was actually relying on me".
I breathed deeply. I'd gone into a lot more detail than I originally anticipated. I'd spoken about a lot more feelings than I intended. Syed's face was a mask of horror. I breathed again. "Isn't that enough"? He shook his heads. I watched his head move as his wavy hair flapped gently against the side of his face. "Please". That was all he said. "Are you sure"? He nodded his head at me.
"I lifted Amy and had placed her back in the cot, when the smoke started getting to me. I could feel it stinging my eyes but I'd tried to ignore it as I'd pulled the bedcovers and pillows off. The bed sheets came off easily. I remember chucking them out below. I could see Roxy shaking her head at me, She screamed in her typical Roxy way when I explained what my intentions were. 'Its the only way' I think that's what I'd said. It was the quickest way to explain it to her. I'd gone back for Amy but the smoke was overtaking me too. I chucked her out and prayed for the best. Hearing Minty shouting 'I've got her' the relief I felt ... Holding her out of that window was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do Syed. She could've died"
"But she didn't. So stop with all this guilt". My eyes closed briefly as he covered his hand with mine lightly. He left it there for a moment before pulling away. "Then .." Syed trailed off as he waited for me to fill in the gaps. I didn't start talking because this was the part I didn't want to talk about. I closed my eyes as I spoke. My voice was quiet.
"I heard your voice, the clearest, 'No, Christian you have to try' I can remember apologizing to you. Funny isn't it. I could have died, but I felt compelled to apologise to you first". I opened my eyes. Syed's eyes were darting around the room before coming to a rest on the door. "I fell from the window ledge. I landed on the duvet covers and had laid there, choking. I knew I wouldn't survive a jump from the window. I couldn't make it back out. So I'd laid there waiting. Deciding what to do next. I could hear shouts from the window but it was no good. Then I heard the firemen. They were calling my name. I'd stood up and ran to the door. It's funny because I've always fancied being rescued by a hunky fireman in the full kit". I smiled to myself. "I was capable of walking but at the top of the stairs my strength went. I can remember waking up on a stretcher and seeing Jane. Then next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital. That's the story".
I rubbed my hands against my face. I fell back onto the bed and looked up at the ceiling. Syed looked down over me. He slid his hand down my arm. "You've been so brave. I mean it. And thank you for telling me all this, really. I'll never forget it" I closed my eyes again. "I'm tired, Syed". It was true. Just telling him all of that, had drained my body. He didn't reply. "If you want to stay till Amira or someone returns, then that's fine"
I heaved myself of the bed and walked over to the kitchen. Neither of us was currently speaking. I told him to go because all of a sudden, this whole thing felt like bad idea. I just wanted to curl up in my duvet and sleep. The water rushed out of the tap and shattered the silence. I switched the tap off. I lifted the glass to my lips and simultaneously, I saw Syed standing next to me. "James?" I froze. Slowly I placed the empty glass back down. I was parched. I rinsed it and put it back into the cupboard.
Syed was leaning against the sideboard with his arms crossed. "Does it matter"? "It matters to me". "Why"? I found myself getting angry at him. "Why does it matter Syed? Why should it matter to you, whose name I say when I come out of a burning building"? He didn't answer but I saw him stiffen. "Admit it, you got jealous when you heard". "No I ever". "Oh come on!" "What?" "You're still jealous". "No I'm not" I waved my arm in the air. My voice raised a decibel. "Who exactly are you trying to kid? Me or yourself"? Syed's bottom lip was jutted out. We faced each other for a moment. He didn't reply. "That's what I thought".
I turned. Syed grabbed my arm. "Why can't you just tell me"? "Why should it concern you"? "Christian"! "Because I hurt him!" I shouted. "Because, I hurt him, ok". My voice was calmer the second time. Syed released his grip. He impatiently brushed a lock of hair away from his quizzical face. "What are you talking about?" I stepped back.
"When I was coming out, and I really thought it was my last moments. I'd thought about the one person who I'd treated badly. Worse, than they actually deserved". Syed nodded slowly. He was going to get there before I said it. "James". He whispered slowly. "Yes. James. I didn't realize I'd actually said his name. But I would have given anything to apologize to him. Explain everything and then tell him to move on with someone he actually deserves". "He deserves you". "No he doesn't" I was shouting now. Syed still didn't get it. "He deserves someone who can give him their full attention. Someone he can love fully and someone who loves him 100% back. And that's not me". "But he's your oldest friend. You love him".
"Yes he is. You know, he cares about me. But it was James who decided he was going to stay around, I never asked him too. But he was worried about me and more or less forced it on me. Do you really think that I want James fussing over me? For God's sake Syed, I thought you knew me! Why else do you think I couldn't meet your gaze in the hospital? " I breathed before continuing. "And I do love him as my friend and sometimes a bit more. But we've been close for so many years; the lines between friendship and into a relationship are bound to get blurred occasionally".
Realization was dawning on Syed's face. "I love him, but I'm just not in love with him". He nodded. "I knew – in my heart of hearts, I think I knew but I just couldn't believe it. I thought you'd moved on from me!"."That's got to be the most absurd thing that I've ever heard! How on earth can I possibly move on from you." I stated it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. We stood facing each other in silence. I could still hear the rain against the window. It was dark outside and the sun had already set.
Syed ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry". I shook my head. "No its fine". "No really I am. I shouldn't have pressured you like that, it was wrong". I smiled. His face was all serious when he was apologizing. I ran my hand down his arm. "I like the jealous Syed, so it's fine". I smiled at him and put my hand up to stop him before he even spoke. "Look, I don't want to fight with you anymore. Coming out of something like that, well it puts things into perspective."
My hand was still on his arm and with every passing second it was becoming more pronounced. Our eyes both travelled to my arm and we looked at each other at the same time.
He stepped closer to me. I stepped back slightly. If I got too close to him, his exotic features would cause my brain to melt and I'd be incapable of rational thoughts. That was the last thing I wanted. "You mean so much to me". My heart soared. I mentally took a picture of this moment. I don't think I could ever forget him saying that to me. Not ever.
"The wedding"? He shook his head as if he was trying to beat away an insect. It would have been funny, given the situation. "Forget that. There is still 2 months. That's ages away". He'd taken another step towards me. My feet seemed stuck to the ground. I couldn't seem to move away from him. I could see every feature perfectly. My heart rate was accelerating. His eyes bored into mine. I recognized the mischievous glint. Syed's intentions were clear. "We'll deal with it then". I couldn't form a coherent response due to the fact that I was lost in him. My mind was in 5th gear as it tried to keep up with itself. If he came any closer ... too late. The last bit of will that I had, crumbled as his soft lips kissed the side of my mouth.
He kissed my face slowly, savouring each kiss. I wrapped my arms around him, tightly pressing his body against mine. I met his eyes again and our lips met halfway, right at the borderline. They pressed together and I coaxed his mouth open with mine. Fireworks shot through my body as our tongues danced together. We were burning up in a spontaneous combustion together. "Oh Syed". I spoke against his mouth. He pulled back, eyes still locked together. "Please, call me Sy". I smiled broadly at him. "You know you still have to thank me for saving you from the rain, from earlier" Syed's face lit with a smile. "I can think of a few ways.." His eyes searched mine as we moved our heads together...
Tomorrow was another day. We'd deal with it properly, together, when the time came. But for now, I was completely oblivious to everything and everyone except this man in front of me ... the man that I was completely in love with...
(To be continued ...)