Chapter 6 - To love? Or not to love?

Christian's POV:

Flat 15a of Albert Square, Walford - Thursday 26th November 2009

I intently watched the man opposite me as he smoothed down his black silk tie. I stared at him approvingly as he dusted his shoulders before slightly adjusting the black suit jacket. We gazed at each other for a few moments. I blinked before turning away from my reflection.

I was all ready to go to Denise and Lucas's wedding. I picked up the red square box which contained a juicer. The sales lady had wrapped it in blue ribbon for me, apparently it was part of their new 'gift' scheme. As I picked my mobile and keys, I turned around and saw a pair of keys stuck between the crevices of the sofa. I picked them up, they defintely weren't mine but I knew whose they were. I sniffed them. They even smelled of him.

Syed had come over for a few hours in the afternoon yesterday. We'd finished early at the unit and Amira and Zainab were over at Denise's to help her get ready for her hen night. It was actually quite funny because neither of us had actually spoken about today. Syed thought I had a date, and I neither confirmed or denied it. I'd actually considered, for a split second, getting myself a date. It wasn't hard. But then the image of his face, in my mind, well that had changed it fast enough. I just couldnt hurt him, because I loved him. Love is still a new thing to me. I dont think that I have ever quite loved someone the way I love Syed.

Despite the whole incident of nearly getting caught by Zainab, we'd grown closer still. To be honest, the physical intimacy was a bonus. I chuckled. I never ever thought the day would come when I'd chose someone's mind over their body. I'm not saying the sex isnt great, because it blows my mind everytime but exploring Syed's mind is almost a sexual act within itself. It exhilirating and fascinates me constantly. It didnt matter whether we spoke about trivial things like the weather or philospical issues like death or poverty or even politics. All the words were threads that were sewing us closer and closer. Which meant that it would be harder to break when the time came. I pushed the thought out of my mind.

I'd noticed little things about Syed like when he's stuck on a word or phrase, he starts gesturing with his hands to help him. Or when he ... I breathed deeply. No point going off in our little world, because today was defintely going to be a reality check. The wedding, reception, church, everything. Each one of these venues would be oppurtunities for Syed and Amira's upcoming wedding to get rubbed in my face. I knew that Amira would be all over him, not that I blamed her 'cos I'd be the same if I could. They'd be playing the loved up, blissfully in love couple but unless Syed came out, literally, there was no way of me changing that.

Taking yet another breath, I placed the keys in my pocked and walked out the front door ...

Syed's POV:

Masood household, front room - Thursday 26th November 2009

The sun was shining and the almost cloudless sky was unnatural for a November day. Hopefully this was an omen for how the day was going to go.

"Ta-da" Amira walked into the rom and spinned around.

"Wow. You look amazing".

She really did. Amira was wearing a jade green dress with baby blue detail stitched around the edge. She'd straightened her hair instead of keeping it wavy and her green heels matched her handbag.

"Aw, thanks. And you my fiancee are looking handsome if I say so myself".

She walked over to me, her shoes echoing around the room. As she kissed my lips, I felt the usual guilt settling in the pit of my stomach. At this moment I was feeling guilty because I'd gone over to Christian's flat yesterday. We'd spent hours just talking. About everything. About nothing. It had been so tempting to ask him whether or not he was taking a date today, but I'd never found the courage to ask him. To be honest, I was scared of his answer but then again, things are complicated enough.

"Ready to go"?

I nodded once, allowed Amira to link her arm through mine and walked out the door, wondering what the wedding would bring ....

Christian's POV:

"Is everything ok, Chrisitan"?

The concerned voice belonged to Minty. I'd noticed that Amanda, Charlie, Ian and Jane were now staring at me stranegly. Oh great. I really didnt need an audience.

"Yeah everything's great. Why wouldnt it be?"

"Oh, I just thought you looked a bit down"

"Don't be silly. Denise and Lucas just got married. I'm having a sentimental moment".

Minty nodded but didn't reply. Maybe he didnt know whether or not I was being serious. Oh well, I was hardly in the mood to speak about it. The day had gone exactly as I'd predicted and it wasnt even over yet. I really couldn't face the reception. Masood had made Jane, Ian and I promise that we'd spend time with them later at the Vic. Apparently, we should 'get to know each other on personal level, and not only business level'. Ha! If only they knew ...

"Oh look they're coming out".

"I'm gonna go over. You gonna join me?"

"Yeah. Let's go"

I watched as Manda and Jane walked off towards the front of the courtyard, where Denise and Lucas were appearing. As Charlie's, Minty and Ian's attention was diverted, I slipped off the back and came out further along where I could watch everyone alone.

A huge cheer erupted as Denise and Lucas stood underneath the archway. They were smiling, laughing and joking with each other. As I watched Denise's white dress shimmer in the sunlight, confetti rained over them both.

I shifted my eyes over to the mop of curly black hair, and from the corner of my eyes, I studied his profile. Almost as if he's sensed me watching him, he spoke. His voice was loud, clear, confident and had traces of humour.

"Oi, save all that for later"

I looked and realized what he'd meant. Lucas broke away from Denise's lips and shouted something at Syed. By God, did I hear it. I felt like I'd been slapped straight across the face. Friends, family and neghbours cheered around me, laughing and nudging each other, oblivious to my hurt.

"Wait till its you and Amira in a few weeks time. We'll see if you manage to keep your hands off her then".

Amira was still blushing when she caught my eye. I gave her a broad grin and winked at her. I didnt know what else to do. This only caused her further embarassment and she looked away getting steadily pinker. That was probably the fakest reponse I'd ever given her.

Syed glanced at me and I caught his eye immediately. I turned on the spot and walked over to the far corner where nobody was standing. When I'd turned around, Syed was dodging the party poppers that were being let off. He stood next to me and faced everyone else. Most likely, we looked like two normal friends, well that was right, it just wasnt the whole truth.

"Do you have to rub it in my face, at every given oppurtunity"?

I was trembling to keep my voice steady and my voice was only low enough for him to hear.

"I'm sorry".

I scoffed loudly.

"Sorry? Ha! If you really were then..."

He interrupted me.

"I am. It slipped out before I realized and how was I to know that Lucas would say that?"

I kept my eyes rigidly ahead but I could feel his eyes boring into my face, as if he was searching for something. I didn't look at him but the scene of Denise and Lucas posing for photo's wavered infront of my eyes.

"Either way, that's dangerous waters, so why would you even bother saying something like that."?

"Look, it was just a joke".

I couldn't even answer that. It would be an insult. Syed spoke.

"What do you actually want"?

"I want you..."

I paused before glancing at his widened eyes. They scanned our surrounding areas to see that we didnt have any eavesdroppers.

"..to be honest".

I finished my sentence.

"Honest"?

"Yes, honest, Syed."

"What do you mean"?

"Listen, are you actually being honest with yourself"

"I'm going to throw them"

Our eyes flickered over to Denise who was poised to throw the flowers. Just about every female was pushing themselves into the 'best' position to catch the flowers. I wonder whose going to catch them. Personally my money was on Janine. My mind wandered briefly. I turned my attention back to my lover. I hadn't immediately realized that he had spoken.

"Yes I am"

"No you're not"

"Christian, what are you even talking about"?

I turned to face him. His tanned skin was glowing in the sunlight and he looked heart stoppingly gorgeous. His brown eyes had connected to mine instantly. I shook my head fiercly and grabbed his arm.

"You already know"

"No I don't"

"Yes you do"

We were going in circles. He pulled his arm out of my grasp.

The countdown from 3, for the flowers started.

"Stop with these stupid riddles and just tell me".

My voice was drowned out by shrieks of "I got it, I got them" in the distance. He blinked stupidly for a moment and his mouth opened. I stepped back. I didnt mean to say that. It slipped out.

His beautiful face contorted into disgust before his words were like a physical blow to me.

Syed's POV:

He didnt just say that. He didn't. I dont know who was more shocked, me or him. Nothing came out of my mouth and it took me a few moments to realize that my mouth was hanging open. He stood straight. As he backed away from me, I could see Amira walking over simultaneously.

"Yeah, its the stupidest thing I've heard in a long while and that's saying something".

I closed my mouth quickly before she arrived. I tried to clear my head so that I could focus on her but in all honesty, my mind was reeling. To be honest, I didnt even know where my response had come from? Was that what I had really said?

Her face was luminated and she was clutching a slightly battered bunch of lilies against her.

"Look, Syed, i caught them. This is such a good sign. It proves that we're meant to be together. I knew it, I just knew it. I love you".

Her tumbled words were processing through my brain as she flung her arms around me. Her sentences slowly clicked together. Oh. She'd caught the flowers. As I congratulated her, I knew that fate was playing a cruel twist on me. An ironic one at that. Her exubarance meant that I only had to nod and speak at the right places.

My eyes scanned around me, but already most people were leaving for the reception. Had he gone ahead? Somewhere deep inside me I knew that he wasn't going to be there. We joined my family in the cab back. Before I knew it, I was being whisked into the Vic which had now been transformed for the reception.

My mind raced ahead and as my brain and body started to work alongside each other, I made some plans in my head. I needed time to think. And there was no time like the present.

I pulled my parents and Amira to the side.

"What's wrong"?

My mum, the one woman who I loved more than anything had already seen straight through me. Oh well. I guess that was a good thing considering what I was about to tell her.

"I need to leave. Now"

Their faces were exactly as I'd expected them. Shocked and confused.

"What? Why"? "What's happened"? "Why do you need to leave"?

I put my hand up to stop them.

"Do you remember my friend Chris"?

My dad spoke first.

"No ..." He paused. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "Oh wait the one who went travelling..."

My mum interrupted him as soon as she cottoned on.

" ... So you had to miss the first fast. Yes, I remember him".

"What about him"?

I looked at Amira then back to my mum. Her face was dissaproving and I could tell that none of them knew where I was actually going with this. The web of lies I'd recently spun ... well what was another white lie?

"He just phoned me. His mum's died and I'm going up to stay with him for a few days".

"Oh, that's really bad".

Amira's sensitive side came out immediately, I knew she hated hearing about death, especially with people's parents. I knew it was due to her own relationship with her mum.

"Why do you have to stay with him"?

My mum's tone was sharp. I looked over at my dad. His hand was cupping his face and his head was tilted. I could tell he was thinking about it.

"He lives all the way in Leeds. I want to pay my respects and I hardly wanna miss the funeral"

Nobody spoke so I kept on speaking.

"Also, when I got kicked out .."

I lowered my eyes from my mum's. I felt really bad bringing this up but this was my trump card so I continued.

".. Chris's mum let me stay for a couple of months until I'd got myself sorted".

It worked. Within a couple of minutes, my parents had agreed that it was best that I did stay and pay my final respects. There was a hiccup when my mum had asked why I couldnt just go on the funeral day, but I told her that Chris needed my help to organise everything as he didnt know where his dad was. I knew I'd have to write this down somewhere as I really couldnt remember who I had and hadn't killed off.

My mum and Amira caved in, although they did so reluctantly. I felt relieved. I quickly informed them that the funeral was at the end of the week. This way I'd bought myself maximum time without them getting suspicious. As I said goodbye to my parents and Amira, I reassured them that I'd be back within the next 10 days, before scarpering home. I packed some clothes, toothbrush and some other stuff to take with me.

I was going to stay with Nadeem. He was a good friend of mine and I knew him from university. He was in fact one of my one-night stands. My first one actually. But we'd both put it behind us and had moved on, both agreeing it was in fact a mistake. He wasnt the prying type of guy and he lived near the coastline. The fresh air, hills and forests would be the perfect place for me to explore and get my head together.

As I shut the front door behind me, I began the walk towards Walford Station ...

Christian's POV:

"I just wanted to tell you, that I'm leaving".

My stomach plummeted and I rested against the doorframe as I tried to gather my thoughts.

"Syed, where the hell are you going"?

"Away".

"How long"?

"Long enough"

He looked away defiantly refusing to meet my eyes.

"Well I've told you so Goodbye".

He turned away stiffly. I saw a small brown pull along suitcase on the floor slightly hidden out of view.

I scoffed out loud. I seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.

"Like hell you are Syed".

I pulled him inside the flat, taking him by complete shock and slammed the door shut.

"What? You can't do that"? Syed's volume levels was high and I responded just as loud.

"Really, well I think I just did".

"You can't order me around. I dont belong to you Christian".

"Really? Well you should have thought about that before you.."

I stopped myself just in time. I didnt need another slip of the toungue.

"Before I what"?

i didn't answer.

"Go on tell me what I did wrong this time. After all, I never manage to do anything right do I"?

His tone hurt me. I could tell that he was angry but I didn't want to provoke him so I dropped my gaze.

"Forget it"

"No tell me"

His voice was challenging and was steadily rising again. Then again, maybe he should hear it again. He'd already hurt me.

"So tell me. What should I've thought of, before I did what"?

"SYED! Stop it!"

"Tell me"

"BEFORE YOU LET ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU"!

Mentally I kicked myself. I wasnt the type of person to show my vulnerability. It made me feel .. alone. But it was a stupid idea saying it again.

I faced him directly, breathing heavily. He didn't speak but his eyes were scanning my face.. He refused to meet my eyes. i hated it when he did that. I felt like I couldnt read him.

"I'm going to miss my train. I need to go".

Syed's voice was short and he turned his back onto me.

I didnt know what to do. This was unknown terrority for both of us. Should I discuss it with him? Or should I let him think about it? My mind buzzed.

"Look, I'm sorry. Please stay".

He shook his head at me, never turning around.

"Please".

I extended my arm but didn't quite reach him. With his back firmly on me, my hand grasped emptiness. Slowly, I pulled my arm back.

"I mean it Sy, I lov..."

"Dont!"

Syed's voice was slightly hysterical.

He walked towards the door and without looking back, walked out. The door slammed shut. Seconds passed.

I couldn't run after him without arousing suspicion so I ran to the window and looked out. He never once looked up at me as he dragged his suitcase behind him....

Slowly, I made my way over to the bed. Emotion washed over and I curled up into a ball, and I allowed the tears to flow steadily ....