Chapter 7 - Emotions

Syed's POV:

Syed's bedroom - Friday 4th November

I started at my ceiling. So much had happened in the last 2 weeks since I'd left. My dad had been in a car crash and was in hospital. He was kept in for a day for observation but the guilt never left me and ate away at me.

He had been working every possible shift so that he could financially afford the wedding and all that I had done was gone skiving off to Nottingham. The day I'd received my text, I'd made a decision. I was going to marry Amira. I don't know what really persuaded me but I think it was seeing Nadeem, his wife and their 3 year old son. I'd been watching them from afar while they sat indoors playing around his pen. They looked so perfectly happy, I just couldn't describe it. I wanted to be that man. I wanted to be with that beautiful son and wife. That could be me. No one had to know about Christian, just like no one had known about Nadeem and me.

Nadeem had looked up and caught my eye. It must have been obvious what I was thinking; my face gave the game away. He understood why I was there. He was blissfully happy in his relationship, and I was certain that I could make my one work. "Stay true to yourself!" were his parting words and they rang in my head.

Returning on the train 2 days ago, after that fateful text from Tambo ... Words couldn't describe my emotions. Fear, guilt, more fear, more guilt. My parents had done so much to me, and how was I paying them back? By sleeping with another man. Amira didn't deserve it either. She is an amazing girl, and I know that if I could just stay away from Christian long enough to think clearly, then I can love her the way she deserves to be loved. I know I can.

Fortunately, m dad was out of hospital with just a few scratches. I'd taken up more shifts at the Unit and am trying to earn as much as I can. I don't want my dad to carry the financial burden of the wedding. It's my responsibility.

Christian's POV:

Lava Nightclub - Saturday 6th December- 1.02am

I sat down on the cushy seat.

"What a night". I knocked back my beer.

The guy nodded and smiled at me.

I placed the bottle on the table and looked at him intently. He had a fair complexion which suited his good-looking face, always wore a suit, had short blond hair and stubble around his face. This wasn't the first time that I'd seen him either. Lava nightclub was the hottest ticket in town and was well known within the gay community. I'd been here nearly every night for the last week and I noticed that this guy always sat in the corner yet never danced.

"So dancing not your scene then"?

He shook his head.

"Nope. I like to relax". His deep voice threw me off edge slightly. I didn't know what I had been expecting. Maybe something softer?

"Can I persuade you"?

He laughed out loud.

"You can try, but don't count on it".

I chuckled to myself.

"Not many people reject me you know".

"I'm not looking for a relationship"

"Neither am I"

I held his gaze. His eyes were a blue color. Not a cornflower blue, but more towards a dark blue.

"Can I buy you a drink"?

I motioned towards his empty glass.

He looked at me for a few more seconds.

"Doesn't mean anything though."

"That's fine"

"In that case, firstly, I'm Ashley and secondly, a large Vodka please".

I grabbed his glass and stood up.

"I'm Christian"

As I ambled over to the bar, I mused over Ashley. There was something about him. He was uncomplicated and straight-forward unlike.... Shaking my head, I pulled my mind back into the club. He'd made himself perfectly clear, and I had no intentions of doing anymore crying over him. I was enjoying myself. I smiled to myself as I thought of the week so far. I'd already gone off with Harry in the toilets, Duane at the flat and some unknown stranger in the room upstairs.

I was curious about Ashley and was planning on bedding him tonight. Who knows? He could surprise me. This guy was the first guy in the club who probably hadn't already thrown themselves at me. I looked forward to what the night would bring. Smiling to myself, I returned with the vodka's and placed them down in front of us both.

Syed's POV:

Walford General Hospital- Friday 11th December

Come on, come on, come on ... I muttered to myself as the signs scanned over me. I ran towards the maternity ward reception desk and I could hear Tamwar's and Amira's footsteps echoing mine.

"Zainab Masood. She came in a little while ago. Early labor"

The receptionist looked up.

"Sure, give me a second".

I tapped my fingers impatiently on the wooden desk as she looked at her computer screen.

"Just through those double doors. You need to wait in the holding area".

"Thanks" was all I could say as I shot off in the direction she had pointed. I didn't hang around for the other 2.

I could hear screams from some of the rooms. I gulped. Ok, wow, maybe it was going to be harder than I thought.

"It's ok". Amira stood in front of me. I stared at her face and tried to muster a smile. She twisted her plait in her hands. "We might as well sit down. You look like you're going to faint".

I was suddenly feeling light headed and gratefully sat down.

"I hope not".

"Me too. Otherwise how will you be when I'm in there"?

As she sat smiling, I didn't know how to respond. "Good question".

So Amira was planning on babies soon by the sounds of things. I guess being with my mum had made her maternal instincts kick in. I didn't know how this made me feel. The image of Nadeem and his family flashed through my mind. That could be me, I repeated to myself. I smiled and kissed Amira on the lips briefly.

I thought back to an hour ago. My dad had rang me frantically informing me that my mum's waters had broken and she was in labor. I'd been out shopping and told him to wait for me. Apparently, judging by the noise my mum had made, the baby wasn't planning on waiting. I'd left the trolley in the supermarket, collected Amira and Tambo, picked up the video camcorder and rushed to the hospital...

2 and a half later, my dad rapidly walked out of the room on the far end. "Syed, Tamwar, Amira."

We ran over to my dad. Had we already been blessed with a younger brother or a younger sister?

Amira spoke before we even arrived by the door. "What is it? A boy or a girl"?

"A girl. Boys, you have a younger sister"

Was I hearing things? Laughing, I looked at Amira, her face jubilant. Tamwar was grinning. I high fived him and hugged Amira tightly.

"A girl? We have a little sister, Tam. An actual sister"

I stopped and hugged my brother before going over to the door.

"I know, she's actually here. Can you believe it"?

"Congratulations! When can we see her"?

"Dad!" I hugged him tightly. "Congratulations"

He pulled back. His face wasn't exuberant as I'd expected. His eyes were wild with fear and my hand felt limply next to him.

"Dad? Is everything ok"? Tamwar's voice was barely a whisper.

"They just ...need to take your ... sister ... for some ...tests".

He paused between the words. Fear caused my heart to skip a beat. Dread was running through me.

"What's happened? Why does she need to go for tests"?

Words tumbled out of my mouth.

My dad breathed deeply.

"She wasn't crying when your mum delivered her. She's having breathing problems".

"Mr. Masood"?

Our eyes flew over to the nurse who came out behind my dad. Fear was tugging at my heart.

"Can you come in for a few minutes please"?

My dad nodded gravely.

"I'll be back as soon as I know what's happening".

Before my dad turned I hugged him unexpectedly.

"She'll be fine. She's a Masood". I whispered into his ear.

"I know"

I pulled back and turned to Amira and Tamwar.

"We might as well sit down"

"I'm fine standing"

"Are you sure"?

"Yes!" It came out louder than expected. Amira's face reflected hurt.

"I'm sorry".

"It's fine".

I felt bad. I hadn't meant to hurt her.

I paced the floor for what felt like an eternity but was in fact only 11 minutes.

The door creaked open and I turned the spot instantly.

"Dad"?

"I need to talk to you all"

My mind was numb as we walked into a private room with the nurse.

She was an older woman with graying hair. She blue dress was neat and she had a stethoscope around her neck. I focused on it, just for something to do with my eyes.

"I'm really sorry but your baby sister is on a life support machine".

The words turned my blood cold.

"What's .. wrong with her"?

"The easiest way to explain it is that in the final stages of the labor, her blood levels dropped which is dangerous for any fit adult, let alone a premature baby. She was starved of oxygen and now is permanently brain damaged. I'm so sorry, but she won't survive the next 24 hours".

I felt a hollow sound in my ear as I tried to accept this. My little sister was going to die. Closing my eyes I began praying to Allah. She had to survive. I felt a hand on my shoulder and my eyes flew open. It was my dad. I nodded at him as I acknowledged that I understood him. They were going in to see my sister. He paused only to retrieve the video recorder before following the nurse out. He stopped suddenly.

"I'll phone Shabnam". I nodded in a daze.

My heart was beating erratically. Tears came to my eyes but I didn't allow them to fall. She was still alive and fighting and that was the most important thing. I wanted to see her. The desire nearly overwhelmed me as I gripped the sides of the chair.

25 minutes later, I steadied myself as I entered Room 20. It was time my sister met her eldest brother.

*******************

My father was videoing Amira holding her when I had entered the room. The tension was thick. I looked over to Amira and saw that my sister was in her arms. She held her arms out to me and taking a deep breath I walked over to her

I tentively held my arms out as Amira gave me an encouraging smile. I looked down at my sister and ... my heart sung. There was no other way to describe my emotions.

Her black hair flopped around her face. Her eyes were dark brown, so I was told by my mum. She had thick eyelashes and her round cheeks shone out to me. Her lips were pressed together. She looked no bigger than a doll but looked a combination of my mum and dad.

"She looks like you Syed". My dad had spoken.

"No. She looks more like you both".

"Hello Sareena" I whispered quietly. "I'm Syed. Do you have any idea how long we've waited for you, you beautiful baby".

"Sareena"? I looked up at the sound of my mum's voice.

"Sorry. It just kind of slipped out".

I paused. My mum had tears in her eyes and shook her head vigorously. She looked at my dad. They were nodding at each other.

"It suits her. Is everyone happy with the name Sareena"?

As a wave of approval went around, I looked down at her.

"Welcome to the family Sareena Masood. See Sareena, I get to name you. That's how special you are. You're going to get spoilt rotten".

Amira laughed weakly while I stroked Sareena's cheek. it was so soft, and tender. Sareena was beautiful. My little sister is perfect.

****************

My mum was screaming. It was all I could hear.

"What's happening. Can someone just tell us"?

"I'm going to get another nurse". Tamwar ran out.

Amira was gripping my arm tightly. Tamwar ran back in followed by another nurse and doctor.

"You all need to get back".

"No its my sister. You need to save her".

I tried to push against the doctor but he stood firm.

"I can't save her, with everyone in here".

His words struck true and I stopped. When he was sure I wasn't going to run in, he turned his attention to my sister.

We stood looking through the glass window. I couldn't hear what was being said. My parents stricken faces were all I could see.

We waited for a few minutes. I tried to lip read but I wasn't getting far. My parents turned their heads so suddenly, together, for a split second I thought that they had planned it. As my eyes rested on what they were looking at, my mind spun. The heart monitor was showing a flat line. No! No, that was for someone else. It wasn't for Sareena.

The nurses stood straight and their faces told me everything. Tamwar pushed opened the door and the nurse's words floated out and smacked me in the face.

"Time of death, 9.57pm".

I looked around me.

"No! It's not true, they're lying"

Tamwar was waving his hands in the nurses faces. My dad was holding my mum as she cried into him. Tears were splashing down his face, thick and fast. I could hear Amira crying next to me and I watched my brother as he carried on shouting. I couldn't hear him for the whooshing sound that was around me.

I didn't realize that I had moved. As I looked down on my sister, I could feel something tugging at my heart.

"My condolences, Mr. and Mrs. Masood. We'll leave you alone for a few minutes with her body"

As they left the room, I looked around at my family. My dad had my mum. Amira was now trying to comfort my brother. Who was with me? I looked around half-expecting to see someone when my eyes fell on my younger sister. Without thinking, I went to pick her up.

"No!"

I looked at my dad. I could feel the confusion on my face. I only wanted to hold her one last time.

"It's fine".

My mum placed her hand on his shoulder while the never-ending tears continued down her face. My hands were shaking and when they touched her icy skin, I flinched. I lifted her out and gently bought her next to my chest.

Sareena was at peace. Her face was relaxed and I was sure that I could see her smiling. I gently moved a piece of hair from her face, breathed her unique smell in, which I knew that I would never ever forget, as long as I lived.

"I love you" I spoke softly into her ear. "Your big sister Shabnam couldn't see you, but I know that she would love you as well". I stopped as realization was sinking in. "You're with Allah's angels now. I'll never forget you".

I kissed her gently on the forehead, took one final look at the angel in my arms before passing her to my parents.

I walked in a trance out of the room. I sped up once I was out of the hospital and before I knew it, I was running.

Where to? I didn't know. I had to get away from there. As the wind rushed around me, I couldn't feel the cold. My mind was replaying those precious moments I had spent with my baby sister.

Natural instinct bought me here. I found myself pounding on the door. The door clicked and I opened it. I ran up the stairs 2 at a time before ringing the doorbell. I kept my finger on it. The door flew open.

"Do you mind"?

I pushed my way past him and strode into the room.

"I'm sorry Christian. I didn't know what else to do". My voice was flat, lifeless.

I looked at him properly. He was staring at me.

"What's happened"?

"It's ... " I stopped short. A blond man walked up behind Christian closing the bathroom door behind him. He smiled as he looked between us.

"Oh. I'm - sor - sorry. I didn't realize you were busy".

Christian shook his head. I scanned my eyes around the room. There were 2 wine glasses on the table. The stereo was on as well. Over by the bed, there was a black thick jacket lying neatly there.

"I'm - I'm sorry. I'll go".

I turned and Christian grabbed my arm.

"It's fine. Please stay".

"I wouldn't have come if I known you were busy. Forgive me for intruding". I turned my attention to the older man who hadn't spoken. His voice was deep.

"It's fine. I'm Ashley".

I shook his hand and looked away from them. I was intruding on something.

"Syed".

As soon as his hand left mine, my courage failed me. I turned and fled the flat before either of them could call me back.

*******

I lay looking at the ceiling like the previous night. My body was lying emotionless. I couldn't bring myself to cry. My mind was flipping over the day events. My beautiful baby sister. She was gone. She was never coming back, ever. Christian had moved on. I'd stayed away, and by visiting him and letting my guard down, I'd only caused myself more pain.

As the night wore on, I waited to feel something.

And I did. But only when my mind accepted something. That this was also my fault. God hadn't finished paying me back for my affair with Christian. My dad's accident wasn't enough. Oh no! My gorgeous sister's life had been taken. It was because of my own selfish reasons. I had Sareena's blood on my hands.

I felt a hurt so deep and so powerful that when it took control of my body, I cried out aloud in pain. I couldn't breathe as her face hovered over mine. The hurt crashed over me in waves, drowning me. It was a physical and mental pain that was possessed in my whole body. Yet the tears never fell and as the final wave crashed over me, I realized I couldn't swim any longer and fell into dark and troubled sleep where I was alone.

My hands were full of blood and every time I reached towards the person next to me, the blood dripped over the body. I woke up screaming when I saw the person. It was Sareena's dead body.