Chapter 9 - Counselling

Syed's POV:

GP Consultation Room - Wednesday 3rd February 2010

"Syed, I'm worried about you".

I looked up at my GP, Dr. Farooq and smiled.

"Why are you worried? I'm fine, Doctor".

"No, you're not. I think you're depressed".

I looked up at the sound of his voice. Depressed? The last thing I was, was depressed. How had I even ended up with Dr. Farooq? Oh yeah, because of my mum. Story of my life. Sometimes you'd forget I was in my mind 20s. She wanted everyone in the family to have the same Doctor, and because he was a family friend, it would be an insult not to go with him apparently. "An insult to his proffesion" were my mother's exact words when I'd even suggested changing Doctor's when I was older.

I studied him intently. He looked exactly the same as he did when I was a kid. He was a short balding man who always wore a stethscope around his neck. He had a long crooked nose, at the end of which his thick framed glasses sat. He was wearing black trousers which reached above his ankles with a black shirt and suit jacket on top.

"What's wrong"?

I was hardly going to confide in him, was I? Asian doctors didn't do "patient-doctor" confidentiality. Well, not after a certain extent anyway. Some gossip was too juicy to keep to yourself. Before you know it, the entire grapevine is knowledgeable in that fact that you're bi-polar, or you've attempted suicide or juicier still, you had to have an abortion before anyone found out you were sleeping with the hot guy across the road. Well that particular doctor had been struck off, but I wasn't gonna take that chance, not with no-one. I didn't 'do' feelings.

"Nothing".

I tried again but he didn't speak and just looked at me. I stood up.

"Look, I'm sorry I'm wasting your time. I'm perfectly fine. To be honest, it was a waste of time even coming here" I picked my jacket up, turned and froze at his words.

"It's your sister, isn't it".

It caught me off-guard.

"Sorry"? I knew what he was getting at and I didn't want to hear it.

"I heard about your sister. I'm so sorry".

I could only nod as I stared at the door.

"Please, sit"

I turned as he gestured the chair with his hand. I sat on the edge of the seat and stared at my hands which I was now nervously rubbing together.

"It's been nearly 10 weeks and I don't think you've dealt with her death properly". I sat numbly. He took my silence as his cue to continue speaking.

"I'm referring you to a councilor" Is he serious? My protests fell on deaf ears as he put up a hand to stop me. "Now she's a great friend of mine and I think you'll really benefit from her. I'm booking you in for 4 primary sessions. After that it will be your choice whether or not you continue".

"You are kidding, right"? His face showed me he was anything but. "Are you sure I need a councillor? That's for like suicidal people or something isn't it"? I laughed unconvincingly as I tried to joke about it. My hands were sweating from the thought of having to speak about my feelings to someone. Who knew what I might bring up?

"It's either that or anti-depressants".

"I'll take them" I spoke immediately. I'd chuck them away and no-one would be any the wiser.

"Nope. You have to actually be depressed to take them, even though you're halfway there. I think talking to an unbiased third person will help your situation a lot Syed".

I could only gape at him as he picked the phone up and started making arrangements....

***************

I walked out of the consultation room slightly shocked. Considering how little that I felt these days, that was something new to me.

"What did he say babe"?

Amira jumped off the seat and hurried over to me, her hair billowing out behind her.

I groaned inwardly but plastered a fake smile on my face instead. "Nothing. Everything's fine. See I told you that you were worried for no reason".

She looked at me waringly.

"Are you sure? I mean, didn't he say anything about your weight loss"?

"He just told me to slow down a bit"

She nodded thoughfully.

"Yeah, you should. You've been working so hard lately, you need to take a rest"

"I'm doing it for us. We hardly still want to be living with my parents in 10 years time"?

"Look, I was thinking about that".

"Yeah..." I looked around and noticed that we were approaching Turpin Road. My eyes darted around hoping to catch a glimpse but petrified too. Amira slipped her hand in mine and like usual, I allowed her too, yet never feeling anything.

"Well, I overheard Ian saying that he'd given his lodgers a month to move out and I was thinking maybe we could buy it"?

Her face lit up brightly.

"What do you think? We wont have to move far out, we'll be close by to your family and our work places"

"But I thought you wanted a bigger place? I thought we both wanted to get away from Walford?"

"Yeah, but Syed, we need to be realistic. We're living in the recession and we're first time buyers. We wont be able to get a foot on the property ladder, no-one is going to give us a mortgage. Its either that, rent some poxy little flat or this. I think this is the right thing for us".

I thought it over. I didnt want to stay in Walford but she'd made a good point. I didn't know if I was ready to move in with Amira, in our own place. If we did, we didn't have to worry about anyone hearing us at night, there was nothing stopping us walking around stark naked if we felt like it. I didn't want that. I was just about coping. Amira's face was animated as she continued speaking.

"Please think about it"

"Do you really wanna be in debt to Ian Beale? I'd rather stay at home".

We argued it out all the way back to Booty's. I reluctantly agreed to think about.

Christian's POV:

The Vic - Wednesday 3rd February 2010

Ashley laughed his deep gruff.

"Did that really happen"?

"Yeah, it really did. If only you were there"

He smiled at me and I gazed at him as we fell into a comfortable silence.

I played the glass around my hands. I could feel his gaze at me as a rush of cold air flew behind me as the door opened.

"What you having then"?

"Usual. Orange Juice please. I'll grab us some seats"

My back stiffened as I heard Syed's voice. He was here. Behind me.

"Christi-ian". Amira's voice trilled in my ear. I turned to look at her. She was wearing a sharp baby blue coloured waisted jacket with leggings and boots on. One thing I had to admit about Amira was that she always looked stylish.

"Hey" I kissed her cheek as she sat down next to me.

"Ashley, this is Amira. Amira, this is Ashley".

"Hi, nice to meet you Amira". As they shook hands, she nudged my arm playfully.

"So is this the reason, I've hardly seen you lately".

I smiled ruefully.

"Nah, I've been really busy at work actually".

"Su-ure". Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

I saw a shadow hovering over me, holding two glasses in either hand. I didn't need to look up to know that it was Syed.

"Syed, sit down". As she patted the seat next to her, I noticed that Syed only sat down reluctantly after scanning the room for other seats.

"Sorry, it looks like your lumbered with us". I couldn't help myself, and slipped out that little dig. I am hurting, a lot, still.

"It's fine. I feel like I haven't seen you for ages". It was Amira who had answered.

"You have just got married. What is it that they say, two's company and three's a crowd".

It was my turn to nudge her as she blushed. I stole a glance at Syed.

His face surprised me. It didn't look like him at all. He'd lost weight and he just looked ... vacant. As Amira turned to him, he smiled and I saw him pulling himself back into the conversation. it was all just an act, I thought with a jolt in my stomach. He's not happy in his marriage. I didn't know how this made me feel. Happy or sad? Pleased or angry? I stewed over it in my mind, my ears only half listening to the conversation.

"Syed, this is Ashley. Christian's partner".

"We've met before. Sorry about last time.."

He trailed off while shaking Ashley's hand briefly.

"It's ok, all forgotten".

"When did you meet"?

"Oh I just saw him at Christian's".

Amira accepted the answer without question and the conversation quickly moved on. I moved closer to Ashley as Amira scooted up to Syed. I kept watching him and as I did so, I knew he wasn't happy with his marriage. It was a sham. I was wrestling with my feelings for him as they battled to come up and I was also fighting my conscience. Was it my place to intrude on their marriage? After all Syed had chosen Amira...

Syed's POV:

Councillor Sara's Therapeutic Room - Saturday 13th February 2010

The brunette woman cocked her head to the side while making some notes. I looked at Sara, my councillor. On our first session, she'd made it clear that she wasn't there to force any information out of me and was simply there for me to unburden my thoughts on. She asked me the basic questions which I happily answered. After a while. we'd fallen into a silence.

I stared at the white walls. The room was plush yet classy. There was 2 black stretch sofa's which faced opposite each other in the centre of the room, with a Persian rug on the floor. There was a table pushed against the wall with a chair tucked neatly under. I looked around not sure what to say.

"Do you have any close friends"?

I looked up and met her steely grey eyes across the room. Close friends? Well I used to .. I pushed the thought out of my brain and indirectly answered the question to take the conversation down a different, less prohibited one.

"I'm busy working, and I spend all my time with my family and Amira"

She nodded thoughfully as if this made a great deal of sense to her.

"Is there any reason why you work so hard"?

How could I even begin to explain this? This was exactly why I hadn't want to come here.

"Tell me about Sareena. You mentioned her last week"

I nodded at her. I knew that I hadn't dealt with her death and I wanted to deal with it. It was time to put her rest. I'd never forget her but I had to grieve for her in order to move forward. Hopefully, in doing so, I'd be able to get some of my old self back. I wanted to change. I could feel it. I thought of Sareena. I felt a dull ache in my heart.

"She was ... the most .. beautiful baby I've ever seen.... I can't describe her but you had to her to appreciate her"

My voice was raspy. The emotions I'd buried from her death rose up and the barrier's I had kept against them had weakened and finally tore. I knew it was only a matter of time because I'd been thinking about her a lot recently but it didn't make it any easier.

"It just is. I .. I feel guilty everyday. I ... I wish I could go back in time and change what happened"

"What do you mean"

"Her death, its my fault"

"How Syed? You didn't kill her"

"But I did". I shut my eyes tightly.

"Tell me how, explain to me how you're feeling".

The words triggered something inside me. I was finally being given my chance.

Sara crossed the room quickly and sat beside me. She took a hand in mine and looked me straight in the face. I didn't find it intimidating at all. It reassured me in some obscure way. I think she could tell I was finally ready to let loose. It might be months too late, but I was finally ready.

"I did something bad, I can't tell you what I did. But I know that this is how Allah is punishing me for everything I did. He took my little sister away and I know that I'll never finish regretting it"

"You can't blame yourself. After all maybe God felt it was her time to go. If you spend your entire lifetime beating yourself up, you won't be doing yourself any favours at all. Also, Sareena wouldn't want you to spend your life torn up over what may not even be your fault".

"I just feel so guilty"

"And its affected the last3 months"

"I feel like it's an insult to her"

"If she's listening to us right now, I'm pretty sure that she'll be more insulted of what you just said"

"Let your emotions out Syed. If you bottle them up, they'll turn on each other before they ultimately bring you down. Our session's finished for today, but if you don't mind can I ask you to do me a favour please"? Sara's voice was gentle.

I looked at her focusing on her hair.

"What kind of favour"?

"Think about your sister before we meet again. Laugh, cry, scream, shout. Do whatever comes naturally to you".

Was that supposed to be the favour?

"I'll try".

"That's all I ask".

"Thank you".

"No, thank you".

I left the room bemused at why I'd want to thank myself, yet I felt lighter in myself. I knew that I'd finally taken the first steps to grieving and in time I knew that I'd be strong enough to deal with all my past.

Masood Household, Syed's bedroom - Thursday 25th February 2010

I breathed deeply looking at my window. I had to do it. I had to think about him.

My hands trembled as I placed them on my lap.

I'd had my last councilling session 3 days ago with Sara. Dr. Farooq hadn't been kidding when he'd said that she was the best person he knew. I knew in my heart, I'd finally accepted that Sareena's death wasn't my fault. That if anything was a massive improvement in itself. But I was now ready to get over him. I wanted to do it because I can't stand the person that I've become. This bitter, cold man who is acting out a fake life in every sense of the word. I know that until I get over my previous relationship, I won't ever be happy with Amira.

My parents, Tamwar and Amira have gone to Manchester. It's some relative or another's weding and I'd managed to stay behind. Amira wanted to stay with me but my mum wasn't having it, what with it being her first 'public' outing as the 'new daughter-in-law'. Jane had told my parents that we all couldn't take time off, not with 2 big functions on the same day (which was yesterday). Snow in Manchester had cancelled all the train services in and out of there so that cancelled my plans to travel today. I was grateful for the 2 days alone that I had in front of me.

So, the perfect oppurtunity to think about him. My carefully constructed barrier's that I'd placed against him and Sareena had taken a battering in every sense of the word. I now had a pitiful weak wall which I knew if I really tried, I could bring down in a minute. I stood up and paced my room. I allowed my mind to calm itself as I thought of trivial things....

I threw a glance at the window. My heart froze as I saw Ashley and him walking down hand-in-hand. My feet walked towards the window on their own accord. The shock had thrown me of seeing them together, of seeing him holding someone else's hands, laughing with another man, kissing him ... The pain went through me and I clutched at the window sill. I stared out willing them away yet unable to look away.

Ashley pulled away from him and spoke a short sentence. His back was tensed, his muscles rippling through the light brown v-neck. His blue jeans hung casually from his hips. I tried to tear my eyes away but the fact that I'd finally allowed myself to think about him and willingly gaze at him meant that I was greedily drinking him in before my 'other side' forced me to look away. Christian suddenly pushed past him back in the direction of his flat. Why was he leaving? I smiled as I realised they were having an arguement. Ashley grabbed his hand and spun him around. His face contorted, angry. He angrily pulled his arm away from Ashley. The words were intelligible but I knew exactly what tone of voice he'd be using. I smiled to myself and stared at Ashley. Whatever he'd said, i was glad of it.

I caught his eyes and even from my window, his sea-green eyes were easy to see. The intensity of his look caused me to take a step back. In the same moment, he looked away. My heartbeat increased. He was still having this effect on me. Think of Amira. Think of mum. Slowly it decreased and went back to normal. I gazed at them in the middle of the Square.

The embrace caught me off-guard. I could only watch in horror as my ex-lover slipped his arms around Ashley's waist. He pulled his body against his, and right there, they kissed passionately. It was long and slow. As he moved his head to the side, ran his hands up and down his back, and whispered into his ear, he caught my eye once more. I staggered back from the window, falling onto the bed.

Tears filled my eyes instantly and fell. The pain I felt was physical and went straight to my core. My body was heaving with the sobs. I started howling like a baby, unable to stop. How could he do that? Kiss him like that, knowing that I was watching. I wanted him to be happy, I really did, but was it so necesaary to rub it into my face? The image of him running his hands along his spine, whispering sweet nothing;s, I thought of how he used to do that to me once upon a time. This only caused me further pain. I thrashed out on my bed, hitting my pillow with all the force that I could extert. It wasn't fair. I wanted him. i wanted him so badly. Thinking it 'aloud' had only made me realize that the path I'd chosen could no longer work. I couldn't live this lie any longer. I wiped my tears away. This wasn't fair on my mum, dad, Amira, me, Ashley or him. I sat up straight. I was going to fight for him back.

Christian belonged to me. I gritted my teeth. I had to tell Christian, Amira and my parents. But I was going to do it. I needed to be happy, I deserved to be truly happy as did Amira. This pretence can't go on any longer. Since we'd broken up, I haven't once been happy, not even on my own wedding for crying out loud! My life's been a misery and I can't take it any longer. As I stood up, something else hit me. I'd finally thought of him by his name and not him. There was no point in getting over him, because I was getting him back. One way or another. I am getting Christian Clarke back, tonight.

Christian's POV:

15a Turpin Road - Thursday 25th February 2009 - 11.21pm

Buzzzzzzz.

I looked over at my clock. Who on earth was here at 11.21pm? No-one called so late for me, well if they did, it was normally planned in advance. I stood up from the sofa and strode over to the phone. Picking it up, I answered it.

"Hello"?

Heavy breathing greeted me on the side. That sounded like ... But it couldn't be .. could it?

"We need to talk".

His voice jolted me. Syed? Here? at 11.30pm at night? I felt a twinge of guilt as I thought back to earlier. I'd more or less had a full on snog with Ashley in the middle of the Square. I knew he had been watching and he knew that I knew that he knew.

"Hang on a minute".

I buzzed him up and stood back. i could hear his footsteps on the stairs. I wondered why he'd come. The doorbell rung out through the flat, shattering the silence. I breathed deeply as I gave myself a quick pep talk. Don't expect anything. He can be here for any reason. I pulled my shoulders up, composed myself and answered the door.

Pulling it back, I didn't move from the doorway.

"How can I help you"?

My voice was curt as I took in his appearance. He'd lost so much weight since the wedding and was currently dressed in a green t-shirt and blue jeans. His hair was too neat and I pushed down the urge to reach over and ruffle it up. I used to have that priviledge and now, well now .. that was a whole different ball game.

"Like I said, we need to speak"

"We do"?

Syed paused and read my face. I noticed that it must look hostile to him but I was past caring.

"Is Ashley here"?

I did a double-take.

"Sorry? You've come into my flat at 11.30 at night to ask after my boyfriend"?

He flinched at the word boyfriend and attempted to compose himself. I scoffed. I could see straight through his whole charade.

"If he is, then we can't talk".

"What do you really want Syed? You've made it clear that we're not even friends".

He didn't speak. I looked into his chocolate brown eyes and instantly regretted my words.

"I'm sorry".

He didn't respond. Sighing, i stood back and allowed Syed to enter my flat. Slamming the door shut, I caught him scanning the flat, when i turned around.

"So he's not here then".

"That's none of your business. Quite frankly what I do in the privacy of my own home, is none of your business anymore"

"Anymore..." He repeated my words back to me quietly.

"So come on are you going to explain the Jekyll and Hyde act to me then?"

His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"You haven't spoken to me in the last 2, 3 months and all of a sudden you turn up at my flat asking after my boyfriend. Excuse me for thinking you should be with Amira".

He shook his head, his eyes complete in determination.

"I don't want Amira".

"Sorry"?

It was my turn to be confused. I couldn't even allow my hopes to raise because I knew it would only hurt that much more later.

"I want you Christian".

I stood still on the spot.

"Sorry"?

I seemed incapable of other words. He stepped closer to me, smiling for the first time.

"I want you and only you".

He took another step towards me. My thoughts bounced off each other, my heart rate accelerated. I'd been dreaming about this for months. Every night, I'd prayed that something like this would happen and now it finally had, all that I seemed to be able to do was stand there, staring at him like a fish. As his words hit me, I looked down breathing deeply. I shook my head.

"No Syed, no more affairs. I won't be able to stay unemotionally attached. It's too hard. I can't do it.."

He placed a finger on my lips instantly dissolving my words.

"Good"

"What"?

"I'm glad you wont be able to stay unemotionally attached".

"You what"?

Oh great, and the prize for most stupidest reply goes too .. I kicked myself mentally. His words dawned on me but there was only one way that could be possible .. Almost as if he had heard my thoughts, he nodded.

"I don't want an affair. I want to be with you ..that is if you want me". He added almost as an afterthought.

I could only gape at him in shock.

"Say something Christian".

He looked worried.

"Oh, I'm sorry, this wasn't my best idea..."

Throwing my head back with laughter, I hugged Syed tightly before swinging him around.

"You idiot, Of course I want you".

I kissed his neck and his face. The only part of his face that was left was his lips. I pulled back and stared at him full in the face.

"Are you sure"?

He smiled properly, my smile.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life".

Dragging him over to the sofa, I pulled him down with me.

"We'll have to tell everyone"

"I know"

"You might lose your family" I dropped my voice.

"I know" He repeated. "But it'll be worth it".

I could only beam at him.

"I'm sorry about my behaviour earlier".

I dropped my eyes from him suddenly ashamed.

"It's ok, you weren't to know. Plus I didn't even think I'd make it past the front door".

I looked at him properly. His eyes were glittering in the light. It was finally sinking in.

"Why the sudden change of heart"?

"I realised I can't keep living a lie". His tone was matter-of-fact

I could only nod at him. If only he'd understood this earlier, when I'd been trying to explain it, we both could have saved ourselves heartache. Syed was gazing around the room.

"Since when"?

"I guess I always knew".

I stared at him and as our eyes met, I felt a yearning of a different kind. I moved across the sofa to him. Our heads moved together, closer. Our heads bent, we rested our forehead's against each other. I closed my eyes and breathed his scent in.

"Oh Syed"

The words escaped my lips. When I opened my eyes again, I was shocked to see tears in Syed's eyes. I pulled back.

"What's wrong"?

He shook his head.

"I'm just so ... happy".

I felt a tug at my heartstrings as I gazed adoringly at him.

"I've lived this lie for so long, I've forgotten what true happiness feels like".

His words caused me to well up and I pushed them down.

"I know Syed, I know".

I felt the magnetic pull back towards his eyes. This time our lips mets first, slowly, anxiously. As he coaxed my mouth open, I felt my fears melt away. Our tongues explored each other's mouths, each recognizing familiar terrority. The kiss deepened. God, I wanted him so much. I'd missed him so badly. I began tugging at his clothes, but he pulled back.

"What's wrong"?

My breathing was ragged and heavy but I kept at it.

"We have to wait".

I stopped, my hands pausing as I looked him in the eyes. I could see the determination in his eyes.

"I've waited so long for this, I want to do it properly".

"Marriage"?

I felt slightly confused. Was Syed proposing to me?

"No". He laughed and I felt slightly hurt. He noticed the look on my face and stopped immediately.

"Not yet anyway. Sorry. Look I meant when I tell my family, I don't want to be accused of cheating on Amira"

I understood what he meant.

"But I want to carry you over to that bed and do all the dirty things I've only dreamt about doing, to you"

My voice was whiny but Syed just smiled.

"We'll have plenty of time for all that later. But please, it's important to me"

I sighed frustratedly.

"Fine".

He gently took my hands in his and moved them away from him. My hands tingled from his touch. As he placed my hands in between us, he didn't release his grip. Instead he made patterns on my skin, electrifying me.

The silence between us was comfortable as we took in everything in.

"How long"? I eventually asked.

"2 days". His eyes were distant. In just 48 hours time, everyone would know the truth. Our minds thought over what would happen.

I couldn't believe that Syed was really back in my arms. I shifted on the sofa so my back was against the corner. I pulled Syed's back into me, against my chest. I placed my arms around him and allowed him to tilt his head back into my neck. Breathing his scent in, I interwined our fingers and spoke. We started discovering each other all over again, not physically, but mentally and emotionally...

"Syed"? My voice was barely louder than a whisper. No reply.

"Syed"? I tried again. His breathing was slow and deep. I shifted slightly. My back was uncomfortable but I didn't want to move. My torso was pressed against his back. Our hands were still enterwined. Postive that he was asleep, I shifted my body slowly, until I slipped out behind him. I stretched my muscles before gingerly carrying him over to the bed. Placing him down, I took a spare pillow and duvet and settled down on the sofa. Syed was right, if we were going to do this, we might as well do it properly.

I looked at the time: 3.02am. I crept up to Syed, whispered something before settling down again on the sofa.

"I love you"