Chapter 5: Warning: This chapter contains copious amounts of Devin. Women with heart conditions are advised not to look directly at Devin. This also applies to women without heart conditions. He's very pretty. See? See how pretty he is? He's very pretty. I'd like to run my fingers through his hair. And I'm just a book. Anyway, without further ado, here's your crappy story…
Susan was happy to have patched up her friendship with Ellen…mostly. She knew she could do it. All she would have to do now is avoid James at all costs. That way, she wouldn't be inclined to punch him and ruin her friendship again.
She straitened out her robes and put her hair up. Today was Sunday, and she and Ellen along with Tessa and Nate were about to go to a nearby wizarding town. They never went there during their first year because…Well it was probably because they were too busy adjusting to life at Salem . But now that that is over, they should be able to check out some of the shops there.
Outside of her room, she found James in the common room, cleaning things up. He was obviously showing off to the prefects.
"I'm off to the town now, James. If this common room isn't clean by the time I get back, I'll tell my parents you're abusing me," Susan threatened him. What Ellen didn't know won't hurt her…
James murmured to himself.
At this point, Tessa ran up to Susan and James. "Hey, Susan!" She called.
"Slut!" Susan greeted. "Uh, I mean Tessa!" They laughed about their obvious joke, making fun of glanced at James. "What's wrong with James? Is he dying? Tell me he's dying."
Susan cupped her hand over Tessa's ear and whispered, "You know, Tessa, we could kill him right now and no one would have to know about it…"
"Really?" Tessa wondered.
Suddenly James popped up between the two, and yelled, "Hello! I'm down here now! And I'm very angry for reasons I'm about to explain." He pointed out the window, in the direction of the town Susan was about to go to. "Ta da! That new joke shop is stealing all my customers!"
"You have customers?" Tessa asked.
Susan grinned. "Wow, a super special awesome new shop! I think there is the slightest possibility that I might be interested in checking it out—"
"CHECK IT OUT AND YOU DIE!" James threatened.
Susan and Tessa quickly went to meet up with Ellen and Nate in the Great hall.
"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!" One of the house elves told the first years.
"Hey, did anyone see Devin's new look?" Tessa asked her friends. "They say he's the sexiest thing since sex."
"Nnnn," Ellen replied, "Sex isn't that sexy."
"Ellen, what's sex?" Nate asked suddenly.
Ellen shrugged. "Well, Nate, when a man and a woman love each other very much…"
Susan slapped Ellen's shoulder. "Ellen, no! We mustn't let Nate breed!"
"Nnnininininn!" Ellen exclaimed. "Thanks, Susan; that was a close one."
Suddenly, the Water Table started to play really loud music. It sounded like pop music, but for guys. And it sounded pretty original for one guy. Ellen perked up.
"Hey, where's that music coming from?" She wondered, looking up and down the Water Table. They followed the noise to the end of the table. A bunch of girls were huddled together, watching someone.
Devin was a tall cool kid in their class who enjoyed copying evil muggle men in dueling tactics. He was doing a trick. "Keep your eyes on me, ladies. Sweet parlor tricks are extremely erotic." Devin was saying as he did a trick with the dice.
The girls squealed with joy. "Oh, he's so smexy! His cup is so big!"
Ellen and Susan were unimpressed.
"It's magic! He must be a witch!" Nate concluded. Ellen slapped Nate. That was no way to behave to a fellow Water Dorm student.
Devin approached the four of them now. "I couldn't help but notice that you guys are staring at me as if I were some kind of sex object."
"Humnahumnahumna…" Tessa replied.
"I'm Devin, my parents gave me the new joke shop," Devin explained.
"You can own my body too, if you want," Tessa suggested.
"Burn the witch!" Nate shouted. Ellen slapped him again.
Devin looked at Susan now. "You must be Susan! My fans have told me all about you! They say you're almost as pretty as me!"
"Hey, dice boy! What do they say about me?" Ellen asked.
Devin blinked. "They say you're a loser with a fetish for dressing up like animals." He replied.
Ellen was outraged. "I am not a loser! And I'll prove it to you by challenging you to a duel!"
Devin grinned. "I accept. But if I win, you have to be my slave."
"Lucky bastard," Tessa muttered.
"And if I win, you have to close your joke shop," Ellen settled.
"Ellen, don't you think that's a little extreme?" Susan asked. "You can't put someone out of business just because you're jealous."
Ellen stomped her foot. "I'm not jealous! What does he have that I don't have? Aside from the fans. And the pretty hair. And those gorgeous green eyes…"
"Don't forget my sweet ass," Devin added.
Ellen nodded. "Yeah, and a sweet ass. But other than that, he's got nothing!"
"Bow chick-a-bow-wow!" Tessa replied.
"Burn the witch!" Nate said. This time Susan slapped him.
They arrived at that brand new joke shop after riding on carriages which appeared to pull themselves. The shop was one of the first in the town.
"Here we are!" Ellen yelled. "Once I beat Devin in a duel, he'll be out of a job and will be forced to live on the street!" Ellen grinned and boldly strode through the doors.
"What a heroic thing to do." Tessa remarked, following Ellen.
"Surely she is a role model for children everywhere." Nate added sarcastically.
They entered the gymnasium part of the store, where Ellen and Devin would be dueling.
Devin stood at one side of the room. "Welcome to the Devin Love-nasium." He introduced. "I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of inviting my fan girls to watch our duel."
Over to the side of him, there were three cheerleaders, happy to cheer for Devin only. Ellen scowled.
Tessa was disappointed as well. "It's true, what they say. Fan girls ruin everything."
"Burn the witch!" Nate shouted.
It was Devin's turn now. "Expelliarmus!"
The spell knocked Ellen's wand out of her hand. "Nnnnyiah!" she cried.
"Ellen Russell lost the bet, Devin makes our panties wet!" The fan girls cheered.
Devin grinned. "Since you lost, you have to do whatever I want," He commanded.
A fan girl handed Ellen that dog suit and made her put it on. "This is slightly more humiliating than losing another duel…" Ellen whined.
Susan approached the dueling mat. "Devin, you have gone too far! How dare you force Ellen to uphold her end of the bargain! I challenge you to a duel, and if I win, then Ellen is no longer a slave!" Susan demanded.
Devin nodded. "Fine by me. But if you lose, then you must swear on the life of your grandfather that you will use magic ever again!"
"Big deal, he'll be dead by the end of the month," Susan muttered.
Devin pressed some numbers on the wall. Another dueling mat was exposed, and it looked similar to the place Ellen dueled against the Man last year. "We'll play a game of my own creation called, Dungeon Dice Magic. We each take turns to draw some dice…"
"So it's just like the Man. " Susan interrupted.
"Then we use our dice to summon holographic spells representing a variety of things unknown to students as well as wizards in general." Devin continued.
"So it's just like the Man. " Susan repeated.
"Each player is given three heart points, and when it runs out…" Devin continued.
"So it's just like the Man. " Susan repeated.
Devin got angry. "Hey, stop it! My game is nothing like the Man's mode of attacking!"
"Prove it!" Susan challenged.
Devin was silent. Then he smirked. "My game uses dice."
"Burn the witch!" Nate shouted.
James was wandering around outside, right by that new joke shop that was putting his joke shop out of business. That may have been because it had a dueling room in the basement. Whatever. "As per usual, I have no idea where I am!" He said to himself. He looked at what looked to be a large TV screen on the side of the shop. Devin was getting ideas from muggle New York City …
"I wonder what's over there…WHOA NELLY!" James's jaw dropped. The fan girls were cheering in their sexy cheerleading outfits. "Yes, yes, shake it! Move it like that! Shake it like a Polaroid picture!" James cheered.
"Come on, Susan, you can do it!" Ellen cheered for Susan in her dog costume. This bothered the numerous fan girls around her.
"Shut up or we'll have you spayed," One of them threatened.
Devin found this time to go into a monologue. "I've been waiting a long time for this, Susan. I'm going to prove you are a cheater and beat you in a game of my own creation!"
"You wanna run that by me one more time?" Susan said, confused about the cheating part. She hadn't cheated before…ever.
Devin smirked. "There's no way you and your friends could have beaten the Man without cheating. He's my idol! I've tried my whole life to become just as masculine as he is!"
Susan sighed. "That would explain a lot…"
"I visited him before he kidnapped me and all the students to demonstrate my game. He was totally awesome! It's like he played Dungeon Dice Magic his whole life!"
"That's probably because he had," Susan interrupted, "Your game is exactly like his magic."
Devin stomped his foot. "Dungeon Dice Magic was said to take over the world by storm, but then your friend defeated the Man in a duel, and he dropped off the face of the Earth! You must have cheated! It's the only explanation!"
Susan smirked. "Or maybe the Man just realized that your game sucks ass. Stupify!" The jet of red light hit Devin square in the chest, knocking him out of the game.
"Susan won! James should be happy!" Tessa cheered.
Actually, James was quite upset when the camera swiveled away from the fan girls to show Susan now. "Hey, go back to the dancing girls!"
They decided to eat out at one of the many cafes in the small town.
"Man, Devin, I can't believe you thought that that crappy little dice game would sell!" Susan was saying.
"Yeah, it was just a carbon copy of the Man's magic! You'd have to be as blind as my brother to not notice the similarities!" Ellen added.
Nate held up a die to his face. "This is going straight up my nose."
James looked around at them all. "I'm not sure how I got here."
"Did I ever mention that my nipples can supply power to a third world country?" Tessa told them.
Devin sighed. "I owe you guys all an apology. I treated you all like crap. Do you think we can still be friends at school?"
"Only if you stop using that annoying theme music," Susan agreed.
Devin blinked. "What theme music?"