Hey everybody! Here's the edited chapter 1!
I reaaaallly think you should read it. PM me your thoughts if you've reviewed before!
Chapter 1: I'm Alive
I remained rooted to the spot, just staring, staring at Charlie as he threw a few awkward glances around him before walking over to where I stood, as if he was nervous about other people finding out that he was here for me. I quickly blinked back the tears as he tried to put on a kind smile, the sort that air hostesses put on for little kids flying alone.
"You okay, Bells?"
Bells. It was his old nickname for me. I haven't heard the sound in ages, and to be honest, I kind of both miss it and hate it.
My lips merely twitched in a half-baked effort for a reassuring smile. Apparently my cheek muscles were numb from all the non-moving it had been doing for the past week or so.
Luckily he didn't press for details. He shrugged and sighed to himself before glancing at my travelling bag. "Want a hand with that?"
I shrugged myself and handed it to him. It wasn't heavy in the slightest bit – I packed light – but I felt that I owed it to him to do something for me. The crease in his brow, the fleeting glimpses of guilt. He'd neglected me for all those years and now he was feeling the weight of it all. If I wanted to torture him, make him feel really really bad, I'd only need to give him the cold shoulder.
But I couldn't. Charlie's my dad, whether I like it or not. You know those Spanish soap operas where the characters are always finding out that they have secret children and those kids always seem to love their parents the moment they knew about the parents they never had? I used to think that it was stupid; how could you love someone you barely know? Now I knew: it's not love. It's more like an attachment. It's about having someplace and someone to belong to. You don't have to love or even like it. You just… attach.
Charlie's cruiser was waiting for us in the carpark, parked complacently among the minivans, pickups and station wagons as if it was a normal car. He put my bag in the boot as I settled myself in the passenger seat, checking out the scanner, the radio and the glove-box which contained a bunch of papers and a pair of sunglasses. Seized by a combination of curiosity and cheekiness, I put the sunglasses on and checked myself out in the side mirror. It was an old pair of aviator-type sunglasses. I had to admit I looked kind of cool, the old-school type of cool that is.
Suddenly Charlie opened the door to the driver seat and got in so quickly that I nearly jumped with fright. He grinned in amusement to see the shades on me. "If you like it you can keep it. I heard that vintage is 'in' these days." I almost shivered to hear him say the word 'in' in that context. I quickly removed the shades, folded it and put it back into the glove-box. "No, no thanks," was all I could croak out as I sank back onto the passenger seat, feeling extremely flustered.
"What, you don't like it? You don't think your dad could be as 'cool' as you youngsters?" he winked. I knew he was only trying to act my age, or at least try to connect with the mindset of people my age so that he could make me feel better but it wasn't working at all.
"Just – drive. Okay?" I ended up blurting out, and quite harshly too. I turned my head away and fixed my eyes at a silver Volvo that just parked itself in one of the empty lots just one lot away from ours. I couldn't look at Charlie, knowing that he was hurt. I was hurt as well, but I couldn't let him know, or else I'll really cry and he'll try to hug me to comfort me and the last thing I needed was a hug from Charlie.
I heard him sigh tiredly, making me feel ten times worse than before. Just as he revved the car the scanner buzzed to life. "Attention all units. Yellow Toyota Hilux speeding at 165 miles per hour on the interstate. Suspect is – "
I instantly turned my eyes on it. As if Charlie could catch my annoyance, he turned the scanner off right away. But he didn't turn to look at me. He merely mumbled a "Sorry about that" as he shifted the gear stick to gear one and got the cruiser moving.
I chose not to respond. Instead, I turned my face out the passenger seat window again, away from him. A group of people had come out from the silver Volvo. One of them, a young man – no, a boy, really, with that kind of boyish look – but so tall that I could probably call him a man, suddenly turned to look at me.
All I could remember about him, even from a distance, was his strange golden eyes.
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As soon as we got home from that extremely awkward car ride, all I wanted to do was run up to my room. I think I quite literally sprinted up the stairs as I heard Charlie chuckle in the back of my head. Well at least he wasn't feeling as sore as I was.
He soon followed with a smile playing at the corner of his lips.
"You had to run to your room... is that how much I bore you?" Charlie asked, full on smiling now. It was the first time I'd seen Charlie smile in a very long time. However, my mood wasn't tickled pink even in the slightest bit. In fact I just wanted him to leave.
"I'm just tired," I replied quite harshly.
"Want something to eat?" Charlie grunted, looking as if he was wishing I would refuse.
"I just want to… lay down for a bit Ch- Dad, if that's okay?" I answer hesitantly and with a much softer tone than before, not wanting any more awkward situations for the day.
" 'Kay then." He turned to leave, but just before he left, he hesitated, as if he wanted to ask or tell me something, but the sheer strength of my desire for him to leave must have done the trick and pushed him out the door for good.
As I was lying down on the bed I couldn't help but think about Renee. I couldn't believe she wasn't here, alive and well, because of me. I couldn't believe that I was so reckless.
I should have listened to her. I couldn't believe I didn't see what was happening, I didn't bother to give just a moment of my attention to her. One moment. That was all it would have taken to save her. I killed my own mother. I killed her. I'm responsible. I kil- I want to be there instead of her. I just can't accept it; she can't leave me. It shouldn't have happened to her, it should have been me. I just wanted to curl up and die. I wanted to be sucked into a black hole where I could cuddle up and be swallowed whole by my grief. Or better yet, let something suck my soul out. This pain was just not worth living with. Then once again, my thoughts went back to how I alone was responsible for her dea-..
Silent sobs broke out through me, but they didn't even begin to describe how I felt. I was just so tired. Tired of my life. Tired of living with this pain. How long would I have to live with it? Most importantly, could I live with it?
In the midst of my bleary eyes and runny nose I pulled out my iPod and put 'All Around Me' by Flyleaf on repeat and blasted it to full volume.
I let out a laugh at how parts of the song were so fitting right now.
(A/N: the fitting parts :
My
hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin
to fade
The music makes me sway
The
angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are
too with you
I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around
me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm
feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
And so I cry
The light is
white
And I see you
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around
me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm
feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
Take my hand
I give it to
you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave
me
I believe you
I believe
I can feel you all around
me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm
feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed
I remembered looking at the leaves dancing to the song outside my window as my eyelids begin to droop and sleep consumed me.
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Change.
What a vile thing it is. Turns your world around mercilessly.
Change creeps in when you least expect it.
But change is inevitable.
It's funny how some things never change regardless of whatever happened a month, a week, or even a day ago.
The alarm clock, a universal demon to all school-going people, was still determined to make me scream for 5 more minutes.
The warm water loosening my strained and sore muscles from the day before.
The smell of bacon and eggs drifting up the stairs, causing my taste buds to tingle.
..and me, Not knowing what to wear on the first day of yet another school year.
I stumbled over to my closet, wondering what in the world I would wear that wouldn't make me stand out and yet not make me look like sore loser.
My clothes were pretty decent back in Phoenix, thanks to Renee.
I remember giving most away to goodwill right before I came here for the sole purpose of trying to move on. Each article of clothing made me think of Renee, and it just wasn't helping. I saw the tiny pile of tee shirts lying in the corner and grabbed the first one I saw. A green tee and a pair of jeans. Pretty decent if I say so myself. I went through my shoes and picked one of my coveted pairs of Converse shoes – now those would be extremely heartbreaking to give away.
Glancing at the clock, I saw that I was late for school. Go figure, that hasn't changed either.
I rushed down the stairs, skipping the last step and landing horribly on the wrong leg. On the knee cap at that. Cursing my luck, I hobbled my way into the kitchen.
"Still haven't gained a sense of balance yet I see," Charlie remarked, with amusement twinkling in his eyes. Or it could have just been the light bouncing off his eyes.
Being the 17-year-old that I am, I had to roll my eyes at that. Call it impulsive if you like.
"Hah, I don't think I'll ever have that Dad, no matter how hard I try." There was lukewarm coffee in the coffee pot and a packet of cold sugar doughnuts open on the table. I fought the urge to scrunch my nose up. With Renee there would be something hot and yummy, like pancakes or toast or bacon and eggs. I fought the thought off before the inevitable heartache could set in and ruin my mood for the day. "I wonder if they sell balancing senses for the klutzes of the world," I added under my breath.
I could see him trying to hide his laughter behind his newspaper, confirming that he had heard me. But to no avail, he burst out laughing and right on cue I could feel my ever-so-prominent blush rising to my cheeks.
"I've missed you Bells," Charlie said distractedly.
That was unexpected. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't reply. He couldn't possibly imagine how much I needed to hear that.
I merely nodded in acknowledgment. Totally taken off guard and rendered speechless.
"Which reminds me… I have something to show you."
"Mhm?" Was my ingenious reply.
Charlie got up and started to make his way to the front door.
I just kept staring after him.
"Well, are you coming or not?" Charlie asked. He looked kind of flustered and frankly it made me curious.
I followed him outside, and I saw Charlie standing nervously next to a red... truck-like thing. It was huge, and red, and… a pick up.
Shockingly, I absolutely loved it.
It seemed perfect for me. Big, and strong, just what a girl needs to back her up on the first day of the rest of her life.
"I thought this would be a good 'welcome home' gift, but after Ren – your mom's – I didn't know if you'd – what I'm trying to say is, I think you should..." Charlie looked severely uncomfortable.
I tried really hard not to think about the 'incident' because I knew it would only make the crying start again. But I couldn't help it, tears started snaking their way down my cheeks and Charlie looked even more uncomfortable than before.
Great, I just flunked Moving On from Your Parent's Death 101.
All of a sudden Charlie rushed over.
"Come 'ere Squirt," he said softly, pulling me into an awkward yet much-needed hug.
I didn't remember what he said but it definitely helped calm me down, for I remember my bawling turning into silent and dry sobs.
"I – I love you dad. Please don't ever leave me again." The second I had said that, I regretted it almost immediately. So much for the no-more-causing-awkward-moments idea. My breath hitched.
A heartbeat passed.
Two.
Three.
I thought I was going to be sick. He still hadn't said anything.
Four heartbeats.
Hesitantly, I looked up into Charlie's eyes.
Five.
That's when I saw the same man who was standing on the doorstep 5 years ago, letting Renee take me away. The same pain, hesitation and confusion, hidden.
Six.
But all I could hear was the deafening silence.
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