A/N – Flashback is from page 401 of Twilight. (like you didn't already know that, LOL)
The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body.
-Publilius Syrus
PREFACE
He's gone.
I was vaguely aware of my surroundings. Every now and then I would catch a word or two of someone's voice, but never enough to figure out whose it was. It was never the voice I wanted to hear.
Somewhere in my mind, I knew that I was hurting my parents and that I should stop lying here, lost in my own daydreams. I just couldn't find the will to do it. In my dreams, Edward was still here with me. I could hear my lullaby humming softly from his lips, I could see his angelic face smile at me, and if I tried really hard I could almost feel his lips on mine. It hurt far too much to try that hard.
I knew he was gone. I wasn't as delusional as the doctors thought I was. I just refused to take part in a reality that he wasn't a part of. I preferred to stay with Edward, here in my head.
All I wanted was for everyone else to leave Edward and me alone.
I only ate when someone tried to force food into me. I would sit up enough to pick a few bites of the always tasteless, gritty food someone brought to me. As long as I took three bites twice a day and drank one bottle of water, they would leave Edward and me alone. Every few days, someone would come and try to give me a sponge bath. The moment I would feel the warm wetness on my body, I would stand and walk lifelessly to the bathroom. I would give them a shower and they would leave Edward and me alone. I was aware of the crisp sheets that would welcome me back to my bed, but I made no outward sign of recognition. I would climb back into my bed, and get lost in my dreams again.
A doctor came by once a week; I would hear the murmurs of whom I assumed to be Charlie or Renee discussing my progress, or lack thereof. Apparently they came to the conclusion that medication would help. After a few days of fighting it off, I would swallow a small cup of pills twice a day and they would leave Edward and me alone.
Don't misunderstand me, I was angry. There was an infinite amount of explicit, vulgar things I wanted to scream at Edward, but I still loved him. He still held my heart. The doctors couldn't understand why their pills didn't help. They couldn't understand that I had no medical malfunction, that my soul was simply gone.
I no longer went to school. At the beginning they tried to force me, but eventually they realized they couldn't just drag my dead weight around all day long. Even if they did, it's not like I paid attention. I knew Angela Weber came by occasionally, and that Billy and Jacob Black were here a lot. I very rarely left my bed, but even when I did, I brought Edward with me. I didn't speak at all, although I overheard someone talking about how I was always humming. I don't know what that was about.
They say I am catatonic, I say I'm just lost.
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6 months later
I woke up when I had an epiphany.
I was still lost inside my head, watching the night the James debacle started in the Cullen's house.
Edward's tone was deadly. "As soon as Bella is clear, we hunt him."
"I guess there's no other choice," Carlisle agreed, his face grim.
Edward turned to Rosalie.
"Get her upstairs and trade clothes," Edward commanded. She stared back at him with livid disbelief.
"Why should I?" she hissed. "What is she to me? Except a menace – a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."
I flinched back from the venom in her voice………..
Let me explain.
I would relive my memories of Edward, Carlisle, Esme, and his siblings in my mind. I have watched Edward Cullen walk in to the cafeteria at Forks High hundreds of times in my head. I don't make up things, or have fake conversations; I simply replay the same wonderful memories over and over, like a broken record.
There have been a shameful amount of times I have relived memories and hated myself. I was so weak; I would just cower behind my curtain of hair, or blush and refuse to make eye contact. As long as I was pleasing other people, I would keep my mouth shut. I let people railroad over me, insult me, and hurt me, all without saying my piece. I hate that now. If Edward didn't want to do something that I wanted to, we just didn't do it. Rosalie could be as big of a bitch as she wanted, and I would just try to avoid her. Jasper could act like he didn't want me around and I would leave the room. Emmett could make jokes all day long at my expense, and I wouldn't even dream of retorting him with an equally rude reply. Alice could pout and whine to dress me up or get me to do whatever it was she wanted and I would fold. This particular memory is no different.
It's disgusting to see how I could stand there so pathetically weak, and let her speak about me so harshly without even the thought of defending myself. How could I ever believe I would be good enough for Edward, to be enough to earn his love?
I never did anything for me. It was all for them, and look what they did to me in return.
I love them, all of them, more than I could ever try to explain to you. I'm not saying any of these traits of theirs are bad ones. In fact, it's just the opposite. These traits make them who they are.
There is only one memory with Edward I don't replay.
The Wood.
When my memory gets to that part, I just hit rewind and start over. If I had the chance to be in those woods with Edward again, I would say so many other things. I would fight with him, I would fight FOR him. I would yell, curse, lie, cheat, beg, and plead; whatever it may have taken. I can't live with the fact that I just stood there and let him walk away.
It was with this train of thought that I found the strength to leave my 'Edward reality'. I knew I would come back to it, but I also knew that letting this hurt control me was keeping me the same weak Bella I had been. I knew I would never love again, and that my life wouldn't be full of the joy I once believed it capable of. But I knew that I could get up, I could talk with my mother and father, I could get an education, I could help people, I could have friends, and have tons of teenage experiences. It was at this point I started yelling at myself.
Damn it, Bella, STOP. Get your ass up and fix this mess! Just think about how much you've hurt the people that care about you! When did you become such a wimp? Seriously Bella! What happened to the girl that wasn't afraid to sass people or confront them? When did you become someone who ran away to hide? What the hell have you let yourself become? Quit being a whiny ass bitch, NOW!
GET THE FUCK UP BELLA! Get up, STAY UP, and face the fucking music, FOR THEM! You have NOTHING to hide from. No one can hurt you more than you've already been hurt. You have NOTHING TO LOSE!!!!
I would not and could not continue this pathetic excuse of an existence as 'poor little weak Bella'. I have no reason to be weak and let people walk over me. The truth hurts; no one knows that better than me. No one can hurt me or break me any worse than I already am. Losing Edward was my only fear.
I can be strong now, simply because I have nothing left to lose.