A/N- I FORGOT THE DISCLAIMERS! FUCK!
I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT, ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY, OR ANYTHING ELSE FUN WORTH OWNING.
Please don't sue me or something crazy like that. I swear I won't forget again!
Ok. I'm posting this the same time I posted Preface and Chapter 1, so same goes. Read and Review. Hope you like it.
"Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life." - Angelina Jolie
CHAPTER 2 –
The following week passed by rather slowly. It was full of doctor's appointments and tests. I was given an exercise routine to strengthen my muscles; it wasn't so bad, just about an hour a day doing stretches, some light lifting and a one mile walk. I didn't mind the exercise, it gave me something to do and even after only a week I could feel improvement.
Jake almost always joined me and did the whole routine with me; sometimes he even brought some of his buddies from the reservation. I enjoyed time with Jake the most (with or without his friends), because they treated me completely normal, jokes and all.
I also had a suggested diet plan to help 'get some meat on my bones'. This was going to be harder than the exercise bit, mainly because I never really felt that hungry. Adding the exercise on top of my lack of eating, and well, weight gain wasn't really the result. Thankfully no one was too hard on me about the eating, so it hadn't turned into an 'issue', at least not yet.
I was also being weaned off the medication. Dr. Butler wasn't thrilled with the idea, but said he would allow it if I agreed to see him weekly so he could monitor my progress. I was hesitant at first, but I figured I would do it long enough to get off the pills and then drop the appointments soon after that.
Most of the time, I hated being alone. If I didn't have something to occupy my time my thoughts would always shoot to Edward and the Cullens. I ached for them, to know where they were, how they were. I hated the fact that losing Edward also meant I had to lose my friends. I didn't like to linger on my thoughts of them, but there were times that I would sit down on the couch, get lost in my thoughts of them, and hours would pass. It wasn't the same as when I was in what I now referred to as 'Edwardville', this was just wondering what they were doing, if any of them missed me or even thought of me or what I would say to any of them if I even had the opportunity to talk to them again.
When these thoughts consumed me, so did the pain. There was literally something missing in me now. When the pain hit I felt as if I would just crumble, like there was nothing left to hold me together. It was paralyzing and all consuming, so I did the only thing I knew how to do to keep functioning.
I avoided it as much as possible.
I interacted with people; I talked with my parents about things I missed, Angela Weber came by and filled me in on some of the school gossip. Jake and I hung out daily, just talking and joking around. I participated in all of these conversations, saying funny things if they came to mind, laughing at something funny someone else said. I was sarcastic or I would roll my eyes at something I thought was lame or stupid, but there was something gone from all of my actions. I don't know if other people noticed it or not, but I knew it was there.
It wasn't that my actions weren't genuine, because they were, but in all of my actions there was something missing and that piece of me that was gone impacted everything I did, even when I wasn't consciously thinking about them.
**********
Renee approached me eight days after I 'woke up'. I was washing the dishes from dinner, Charlie had insisted on giving Jake a ride home, so it was just the two of us.
"Bella, can you come and sit down a minute?" Her tone was hesitant, and I was immediately on the defensive.
"Um, yeah, I guess," I dried my hands on a dish cloth beside the sink, and joined her at the kitchen table, "What's up, Mom?"
"Well, we need to discuss what you want to do about school. I have gathered all of your options, so we know every available choice we have. Now it's too late to re-enroll into public high school, so you can wait, enroll next year and just graduate a year late. We can home school you, you still wouldn't finish before graduation, but with hard work you be finished by your birthday. You wouldn't be able to attend a graduation ceremony until next year in this case either. In Jacksonville they have night classes although they are primarily for pregnant teens, but are used by all types of special needs cases. If you are approved, you take a recommended amount of hours per week, and if you are really determined you may be able to graduate this year. Then of course there is the option of getting your GED, but I think it's best for you to get your diploma if at all possible."
I relaxed when I knew she just wanted to discuss school options. I had thought about it as well, but knew there was no way in hell I was setting foot back on Forks High campus. There were far too many memories there that would haunt me. I wasn't really particular on whether I got my diploma or GED. I figured I would attend a community college, find a job and mosey through life. My goal was to stay busy, but I really didn't have any aspirations to achieve anything more. I knew friends and family would eventually move on with their lives and wouldn't be able to occupy my time forever, so I would need school and a career to fill my time. I didn't really care what school or what job, just as long as it kept me busy.
"Does anywhere around here have those night classes?"
"I don't know Bella, but it's not important. I've already spoken to Dr. Butler and I have recommendations for new doctors in Jacksonville. Phil's is there and he's really excited to see you. We can be back there in a week. We would have to leave your truck at least for a while, but…"
"- Mom, I'm not going back to Jacksonville. Forks is home to me, I have friends here. I'm not leaving them, or Dad. I know you need to get back to Phil and that's fine, but I'm not going with you."
"What do you mean you won't come back with me? Bella, coming to Jacksonville will be a fresh start for you, it's what best."
"Have you talked to Dad about this?"
"Well, no, not yet. I thought we would figure out our plan and then let him know what we are going to do. He expects you to come to Jacksonville with me though, I'm sure," Renee tried to console me. I wasn't mad at her for this, it was like her to assume things and run with it.
"Mom, I don't know how you know what Dad expects if you haven't talked with him about it, but I know that I don't want a fresh start. This is where I want to be, and this is where I'm going to stay. I know you are worried about me, but eventually we are all going to have to get on with our lives. It's okay Mom, I'm okay. I'll call you all the time and you can call me, we will email and chat online. You are not a bad mother because you need to go back home. You've done so much for me already, I just want you to go and be happy."
"I guess your mind is made up then." She nodded, looking at anything other than me. "Well I don't have to rush back to Jacksonville tomorrow so give it some thought, and be sure this is what you want. I did look into options around here. They don't have the night classes, so your options would either be home schooling or re – taking the year. Either way, you would still need to take your graduation exams at Forks High and I'm not sure they will be testing again this school year. Just let us know what you want to do and your father and I will arrange it."
Fuck. Both of those options took me to that campus. Every memory I have of that place relates back to Edward. I don't want to go there, hell I don't even want to see it.
"Thanks Mom. It means a lot to me that you are letting me make these choices. I can't imagine how hard the past six months has been on you, but I love that you are letting me be me again instead of babying me." I gave her a smile to try and show her how happy I was that she could be strong enough to let me make my own choices, whether they are mistakes or not. She was trying to trust me.
"I love you, baby. Your happiness is all that matters to me." She held her arms out to me, and I ran into them.
"I love you too Mom and I want you happy, too." I felt her tears staining my shirt, but I held on. She needed this, and I would let her hold me however long she needed to.
"Damn it, Embry! Wait til it's done."
I was at Jake's house in La Push. Jake's friends Quil and Embry had been hanging out with us in Jake's garage when they started subtly complaining of being hungry. Being the good person I am I had volunteered to rummage through Jacob's kitchen for food.
I was in the middle of frying the last batch of chicken wings which I planned on tossing into some sauce I had made, but at the rate Embry was picking at them, there wouldn't be any left by the time I was finished with the final batch.
"Sorry, Bella," Embry pouted, and then stole a wing off the drip pan while kissing my cheek simultaneously. I guess he thought his kiss would distract me from his thievery.
"I saw that!" I yelled at him on his way out the door. I heard Quil asking Embry where his wings were moments before he entered the kitchen. I held my tongs out over the cooked wings, silently threatening to hit anything that tried to touch them, so Quil took a different tactic.
"Please, Bella. Just one and we will leave you alone." He smiled. I immediately saw a five year old hidden underneath Quil's huge build. I wondered how their mothers faired against their puppy dog eyes and pouting faces. If they could refuse them, they were stronger than me.
Shaking my head in defeat I removed the threatening tongs, "Fine, get one for you and another for Jake, but that's it. I'm nearly done with them anyways, so I'll clean up in here and bring the rest to the garage."
"Yes! You fucking rock, Bells. Really!" he said while sticking one wing in his mouth, one in his left hand and three sodas tucked under his left arm, before walking back out of the door.
I left the wings to cool while I cleaned up my mess. I couldn't help the small smile on my face at the thought of how ridiculous the guys were. We had all become fast friends, and I was as happy as I could be when we were together.
We spent a lot of time together, and as much as I loved being with them, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. I didn't know what it was, but there were a lot of small things that just didn't seem normal.
They never seemed to get cold at all, and they wore shorts and t-shirts a good bit of the time. Anytime I would say anything they would shrug it off and tell me something like I had thin blood, or they were used to the weather, or it wasn't that cold.
Then there was Jake. He would show up at my house out of the blue. I would never hear a car, but he would waltz through the door like he lived there. This was fine, but when I asked him about it he would always say something about someone from the reservation giving him a ride. Then when he was ready to leave he would say he would call someone, and then would walk out the door to wait outside.
One night I noticed his light jacket lying on the table right after he walked out the door. I was only seconds behind him, but when I stepped outside he was gone. I looked everywhere for him, but he was nowhere to be found. There hadn't been enough time for him to call anyone and them pick him up, and even if they had, I had not seen or heard a car. He never used our home phone to call for a ride, and I knew from asking Charlie that he didn't have a cell phone.
Of course I asked him about it, but he always blew off the questions, or would change the subject. He even went as far as using our phone to call for a ride after my questions. I heard him apparently speak to Sam, a guy on the reservation that I had only seen once, who he asked to pick him up at 'the usual spot at the end of the street' before he told me bye and left. A few moments after he left I picked up the phone to scan the recently dialed numbers. Jake had dialed 123-4567, which I REALLY doubted was Sam's number. When I asked him about this he snapped at me, telling me to just drop it or we wouldn't be able to hang out.
I kept telling myself I was looking for weird behavior, and that I needed to let it go. These guys weren't the Cullens and I need to stop looking for the supernatural, but I couldn't shake my gut feelings that I was missing something.
Shaking off my train of thought, I gathered the wings and some more sodas and headed out the door, resolved to stop nit-picking their actions.
I laid the plate of wings and sodas on the hood of an old car. "Enjoy!" I said, quickly side stepping so they didn't railroad me on their quest for food.
I moseyed around the old barn Jake used as his garage while the boys ate. I couldn't remember ever being in there before, and I was surprised at the amount of pretty awesome stuff there was just lying around. An old tin Pepsi sign, crates of old mason jars and drink bottles, an old wood burning stove which was stuffed into the corner. There was an old Jon boat hanging from the ceiling, and then and anvil just sitting amongst the random tools and junk. I shook my head and grinned at the thought of Jacob having an anvil just lying here, as if it was used in everyday life.
"What's so funny, Bells?" Jake asked, noticing my smile.
"Huh? Oh, nothing really, just all of this stuff. It's neat." I gestured towards the pile of randomness in the corner.
"Yeah, a lot of it was my grandfathers; some of it was my dad's. It's cool to see things from their generation, I guess."
I nodded and walked back over to our little group. They boys kept talking about cars, and sports, and any other interests. I followed along but mostly was lost in my thoughts.
I ended up thinking about what I wanted to do in regards to school. I knew it would be best to get my diploma, but I could get my GED easier, attend community college for a couple of years and still transfer to a university if I wanted to. It really did seem like the best option for me, so I sat and debated all of the pros and cons of this decision.
Sometime later I was pulled out of my thoughts when Quil and Embry announced they needed to get home. I hadn't realized it had gotten so late, but the sun was nearly setting, and it was pouring; big surprise there.
"Do you need a ride? It's coming down pretty hard," I asked them. It was cold enough without getting soaked.
They looked from Jacob to me and back again, like they were trying to figure out the best answer. How difficult is it to decide if you want a ride or not?
"Will we fit? Your truck doesn't really have a lot of seating room," Embry asked. He had a point, but it was only a mile down the road, so it couldn't be that bad.
"Well Jake could drive, and you two sit beside him, and I can sit across your laps. It's just down the road." I didn't know how uncomfortable I would be sitting on someone's lap, but I'd survive.
"If you're okay with that, then it should work. Then after we drop those idiots off we can head to your house, my dad and Charlie should be back from fishing in an hour or two," Jake suggested.
"Sounds like a plan," I said, and then we were off.
I'd parked by the road on the other side of Jacob's house. The barn was a good hundred and fifty feet behind the house. Considering the distance, we were all going to get drenched either way.
The guys were running and were quickly leaving me behind. I didn't think running in the mud would be that brilliant for me, so I kept my pace steady.
The next thing I know Jake had doubled back, wrapped his arms around my waist, threw me over his shoulder and hauled ass to the safety of the truck. Quil and Embry were already seated and were fighting about why Quil got stuck in the middle. Jake tossed me to them, climbed in, and started the truck.
I was momentarily shocked by Jake's performance. The sensation of being snatched up and running was painfully familiar, even if we didn't run as fast as Edward did.
I'd never looked forward to the speed when he ran, but I'd love being able to wrap myself around him. It was the one part of his world he'd welcomed me, literally, with open arms. A shiver ran down my spine at the memory of him slinging me onto him as if I were no heavier than a feather. I ached, knowing I would never get to fly through the forest, my hair whipping all around my face, the wind stinging my eyes. I'd taken the whole experience for granted, and now I would never have the chance again.
It wasn't as bad as it could've been sitting in Embry's lap. I was quickly starting to view him as a brother figure. We joked easily, but he had a knack at pushing my buttons as well as making me laugh. He rested his left arm across the back of my seat, and sat there like it was completely normal for me to sit in his lap. It was actually kind of comforting.
In true Washington form, by the time we were letting Quil and Embry out of the truck, the pouring rain had turned to barely a drizzle. I waved as Jake pulled away from Quil's home, and then turned back to Jacob.
"So, what the hell was that?"
"What was what? I didn't see anything." He looked all around as if we must have passed something abnormal along the road, acting oblivious.
"You know what, Jake! Cut the bullshit. How the hell did you pick me up and sling me over your shoulder like that and then run at least half the length of a football field?"
"You're not heavy, Bella. It wasn't that difficult, and you were walking along like you had all the time in the world, and drenched in the process."
I rolled my eyes at him. "I was walking so I didn't trip, dumbass. But still, you weren't even out of breath!"
"What do you want me to tell you? I'm used to heavy lifting, and I have to push my dad around all the time, so it builds arm strength." I sensed his defensive tone and I didn't want to fight with Jake, so I sighed, defeated.
"I'm sorry, I just want you to tell me the truth. I can't help but think that I'm missing something." I was looking at my hands, my voice sounding sad. It was the closest thing to a pout I had.
"I can't tell you the truth, Bella." His voice mirrored the sadness in mine, like he genuinely wanted to tell me, but couldn't. My head shot up and I looked at him, my eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"But there IS a truth to be told then?" I asked. This was the first time he didn't just change the subject or quit talking all together. He nodded but stayed quiet.
"Then why in the hell can't you tell me? I swear I won't tell anyone, I can keep a secret better than you would believe!" I was half begging and half snapping at him.
"I can't! I know it don't make any sense, but I physically can't tell you! And I think I'm pretty aware of how well you can keep a secret."
"You're right, it makes no sense, and how would you know how well I can keep a secret?"
"I don't know how well you can keep one, but I have my suspicions."
"What is THAT suppose to mean?" I asked. I suppose it could've been a compliment to my character, that he felt like I was trustworthy, but something in his voice told me differently.
"Nothing, just forget I said anything." He turned on my radio, effectively ending the conversation.
"Your radio has horrible reception" I watched in my mind as Edward reached over and started playing with the old radio. Closing my eyes, I let the memories and the pain they brought with them consume me.
My birthday party. Carlisle's teasing welcome, Esme's happiness, Rosalie's unusual tolerance, Emmett's humor, Jasper's attempt to be closer to me, Alice's overboard decorations and radiance, and Edward. It was the last time I saw him truly smile at me, the last night he had kissed me. It was the last day I was or would ever be truly happy.
My radio would always be a bitter sweet reminder of that day.
There were some reminders of Edward I ran from. I wouldn't watch movies, or television at all, because I didn't want to see people all happy and in love. I wanted to burn down Forks High School, and I had an almost instinctual reaction to key any silver car I see, Volvo or not.
Then there were other reminders that I'd embrace; I'd been listening to a lot of piano, especially Clair De Lune. I also listened to any music I can relate back to us, sad songs, angry songs, songs of how things use to be or could have been. I left my bedroom window cracked open, out of habit or out of hope I'm not certain. Edward took every proof of his existence with him besides my truck's radio, so I think the things I chose to hold onto were the things I missed the most.
"Bella, Bella, HEY BELLA!" I jerked my thoughts out of my memories and back to the present with Jake.
"Where'd you go?" he asked.
"Nowhere, just thinking." Even I could hear the emptiness in my voice.
Understanding filled Jake's face, I worried he was going to ask me about Edward, but he didn't. In true Jacob fashion, he diverted the conversation and let me forget.
"Have you thought about what you want to do with school? Are you going to go back?"
"Nah." I shook my head. It was an easy conversation knowing Jacob wouldn't judge me, so it made for good practice. "I would have to wait and take next year all over, or I can get my GED and start community college. If I want I can use the technical college credits and try to apply to a university, but I don't know if I will go that far or not. I'll cross that bridge when it gets here." I shrugged like it didn't really matter; to me it didn't.
"Well that's good, that you have it figured out, I mean. I didn't know if you and your parents had even started discussing it." He sounded worried or sad, I couldn't figure out why it bothered him so much. He hardly ever attended classes nowadays. Something about since the school was on the reservation, as long as he kept up on his studies at home and came to pass the tests he didn't actually have to attend. It made no sense to me, but what did I know about living on a reservation.
"Renee cornered me a couple days ago and wanted to talk about it. She'd done all this research about different classes and programs in Jacksonville. Apparently she thought I would go back with her, but when I told her I wasn't going to leave Forks she eased up a bit. I haven't told either of them what I want to do yet, and I really don't think it's going to go over really well, but I think I will make a pretty convincing argument."
"So, you're staying?"
I nodded my head to him, understanding setting in. He thought I would go to Jacksonville, too.
"Cool." He tried to sound like it didn't really matter, but he wasn't able to keep the smile off his face, and I felt myself smiling at him too.
We were pulling onto my street when Jake visibly tensed. I watched as his shoulders pulled closer together, and his knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. I noticed his entire body started shaking.
"What's wrong, Jake?" I asked as we pulled into my drive way.
"Stay in the truck, don't get out unless I tell you to." Jake demanded.
"What? Why-"
"JUST STAY IN THE DAMN TRUCK, BELLA!" I had never heard his voice so harsh, I wanted to cringe away from it, but I wouldn't let myself.
Jake was out of the truck and pacing the yard. He walked to the road, then back to the yard to walk the perimeter of our property. I sat there stunned. He was completely in his zone; every now and then he would shift his head minutely, or lower it just a little. I would have thought he was looking for something he dropped if I didn't know for a fact there was nothing of the sort for him to find. His actions were very similar to the way a dog acts when it's looking for a place to pee. At least I wasn't the only mental case around here.
I looked all around the yard, back towards the road, and towards the forest. I couldn't figure out what had set him off, or what he was doing.
Fuck this.
I hopped out of my truck and walked toward the door, I assumed Jacob would just come inside when he had finished losing his mind.
"BELLA!" Jacob yelled at me while jogging the short distance between us. He grabbed my shoulders shaking and yelling at me, "Did you not understand me when I told you to stay in the damn truck?!"
"Oh I understood you just fine," I snapped back at the same time I jerked my arms from his hands, "I just didn't obey you!"
He grabbed the top of my left arm and started pulling me towards the house.
Old Bella might have gone along with it until I understood the situation better, but new Bella expected an explanation before I allowed myself to be man handled.
"Jacob Black! You better have a good Goddamn reason for this shit! LET ME GO, DAMN IT, you're hurting my arm!" I was yelling and pushing at him, but it didn't help. I might as well have been pushing a tree trunk for all the progress I was making.
"Stay, just a minute!" Jacob said while releasing my arm and walking into the house. I lost my balance and fell on my ass. I sat there for a moment fuming, when I noticed a rectangle box to the right of the door, like a box you would receive flowers in. It was white with a thick red ribbon wrapped around it and tied into a bow in the center.
I smiled at the thought of Phil sending Renee flowers. It wasn't a gesture I ever remembering him doing before, but it was comforting to know he could be extra thoughtful and caring when Renee was having a difficult time.
I stood up and dusted myself off before grabbing the box and walking into the house.
"I was just coming to get you," Jake said, he didn't seem nearly as tense as he had been.
I fleetingly thought that I shouldn't have been so hard on Edward about his mood swings because apparently it was the entire male species.
"Where did you get that?" Jacob nodded towards the box, scowling at it as if the cardboard had done something to offend him.
"It was by the door, Phil sent Renee flowers," I hoped my eyes relayed the anger I felt. I laid the box down on the table before shrugging out of my coat. "You owe me and explanation Jake, and I don't want to hear any bullshit about how you can't tell me why you just went mental in my front yard!"
"Are you sure?"
"Sure about what, Jake? You've got me confused as hell, I'm not sure of anything at the moment!" I wanted to throw something at him. He was just staring at the box, lost in his own thoughts and wouldn't explain anything.
"Are you sure Phil sent the flowers?" He clarified.
"No, Now that I think about it they are probably from Charlie's secret admirer. God Jake, who the hell else would be getting flowers?" But Jake was already opening the card, clearly he wasn't satisfied with my logic.
He looked at me for a moment before speaking. "The card says they're for you, B."
What?
"What?" I asked, snatching the card from him. The stationary was white, heavy textured paper with jagged edges about the size of an index card folded in half. The outside of the card was completely blank. I flipped open the card, and there in the center bottom half in blood red ink it simply said:
Bella