Chapter 9.
Bella's POV
"Fields…a big field, an open field…huh?"
I awoke realising I had been talking in my sleep, this was different though, I had no woken up screaming, I had no woken up terrified, I had woken up, well a little confused to be honest.
What an odd dream, fields, what does that even mean? Alice and I in a big field, and we were free? 'Hmm im having dreams in riddles now, I guess….no restrictions, not like the meadow…I guess it was pretty small, but what does that even matter? A little meadow…ok summarise Bella.
I'm in a meadow, a small meadow, with Alice, and its got restrictions, there is very little light there, the grass is a flat green color, condensation has left little drops of water on the razor sharp blades of grass, tiny purple flowers grow out of it, in random patches, small burst's of color against the dull backdrop, weeping willow tree's surround it, the long branches extend toward the ground, swaying slightly against the gust's of bitter wind, the roots of the trees visible through the dirt, a sullen brown color lacking in life.
I follow Alice through the trees, and then into a field. I can see everything, tall vibrant green grass, swaying in the wind, the sun shining down in beams, accenting little blossoms of flowers, white lillies in full bloom, majestically standing out of the grass, daisies beneath them, their thin stalks extending toward the sunlight, yellow luminous centres with small white petals surrounding them, its beautiful, all of it. The field extends so far that my vision is unable to make out anything other than the blur of the coast line, and the deep blue sky, and soft white clouds. Alice she explained it to me, well in a cryptic sort of way…Alice.
Opening my eyes, I notice that she isn't here, too busy thinking about something as trivial as a dream, I hadn't noticed that she was gone, the feeling of her still cool chest underneath my face, perfectly holding my weight, making me feel better than I had in a long time, my arm wrapped around her smooth torso, fingers pressed tightly against the fabric of her top, my thumb rested gently against a small patch of her granite skin, the smell of her next to me, like English bluebells and freesia, sweet like honey with a fresh hint of citrus. Gone.
When she had agreed to come and lay with me, I didn't want to let her go, once she was in my arms, I couldn't bear the thought of her being gone again. I need her, with me.
She said she wouldn't leave, she said she would stay with me as long as I wanted, she cant have gone.
Sitting up to examine my room, I jump up to turn on the lights, hoping that maybe I just cant see her, when I hear people talking…Alice! She's not gone! Shes still here…wait who is she talking to?
"Charlie…"
Dad, he's back…what are they talking about?
Pressing my ear to the door, I listen intently, there is a long pause after Alice says Charlies name, an air of hesitation in her voice.
"..I can't even begin to apologise for his actions, I know its not enough, and I know what has been done, cant be undone but on his behalf, I want to try and apologise…if there is any way I can begin to fix this, any thing that I can do, please let me know, also I want to apologise for myself, I uh…I should of tried to stay behind- a person doesn't leave their best friend when they need them most, I could of stayed behind for a while, our whole family didn't need to leave immediately, only Carlisle did, if I tried harder and asked a little more, my parents might of let me stay, I understand if you feel any resentment toward me, for abandoning her.
But I want you to know, I never wanted to hurt her, and I love Bella, and im sorry that I didn't do more"
Feeling the tears pool in my eyes, they begin to burn, and trying to hold back sobs, I let them stream down my face, gulping for air, Alice can't possibly blame herself for what happened, no I wont let her, its not her fault, I know if it weren't for Edwards stubborn ways, his stupid Martyr complex, she would of stayed, does she think I expected her to abandon her family, for me? No. No, I'm not going to let her think that-
"Alice, don't blame yourself, I know that you love her, you've shown that by being the only one to come and visit her, and you couldn't of done anymore, you had to go with your parents, you didn't have much of a choice, I know that if you did, you wouldn't of left, a young girl like you shouldn't worry so much about the things they couldn't change."
The tears unstoppable now, flowing out of my eyes, my vision blurred , my eyes sore from the irritation and strain, I want to so desperately cry out, instead releasing little whimpers in my throat, holding back the inconsolable pain.
How could Alice think that it was her fault, she couldn't of done anything different, and Charlie was right, she had been the only person to come, she came as soon as possible when she thought that I could be in danger, she alone came to see me, without a second thought, and all along it had been her watching me, making sure that I was safe, my welfare still of the up most importance to her, after all the time that has passed, she completely disregarded Edward's instructions.
She needed to make sure that I was safe, and she did.
That is really loving a person, doing all that you are able to, in whatever situation you are presented with, Alice the only person who fought against leaving, knowing it was the wrong thing for me, pleading with Edward to reconsider, trusting my character enough…knowing me well enough to have no doubts about my ability to manage in situations that are hard.
Hearing Charlie's heavy foot steps as he walked up the stairs, I pulled myself away from the door and got in to bed, dragging the covers over my head, I lay still, not wanting him to know that I was awake, let alone crying uncontrollably.
The guilt plagued me, the need to convey to Alice that I didn't blame her, to alliviate any blame she placed on herself, to rid her of the hurt that I could hear In her voice when she spoke, all I can think of. I have to let her know, make her better, I need to.