We rode in silence on the way back to my house, my head nuzzled in his chest soaking in the benefits of his werewolf-ism. When we approached the house I felt his chest rise as he took a deep and ragged breath. He pulled my truck in the cruisers spot, as Charlie was still down at the reservation, and switched the ignition off as he threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest binding me to him.
I just sat there in his arms for a minute taking in the scent of him, the warmth on him, the comfort that I felt just being around him. I don't know what it was that I felt when I was around Jake, it wasn't like when I was with…him, but it certainly was nice. When I was in his presence I could breathe easier and smile bigger, and laugh harder, and see straighter, Jake made everything about me better.
Jake ran a soothing strong hand up and down my arm with such softness that it gave me chills. He misinterpreted my sudden shiver, and pulled my body even closer to his. I let myself bask in the comfort of his embrace while I battled with my inner self. Jake made me feel so happy, and maybe, on a night like tonight that was enough. Maybe, on a night like tonight, I could give way in my passive resistance of Jacob Black. Maybe, on a night like tonight, one when he had done so much for me, I could give just a small part of myself to him.
And in all honesty I still don't know what made me do it, if it was loneliness, or empathy, or curiosity, or simply my need to be near Jacob. But something was sparked inside me and I turned my face to the side and placed the lightest kiss on his shoulder. I could immediately feel a reaction out of Jake as his breath caught and a small tremor made its way through his body.
Feeling braver I pressed another light kiss this time on his neck and I moved one hand onto his bare chest. He responded with a small moan at the contact of my skin on his and my lips at his neck. Finally I pulled my head up to rest my forehead on his, scared to look into his eyes, scared of what I would find. Slowly I pulled my heavy head up and I let my eyes flick up to meet his. And I could see so many things in his deep eyes; love, confusion, and desire, and curiosity, and lust. But not typical lust not, 'I want you right now', but more of an 'I need you, forever'.
He had waited for this for so long and I knew it scared him as much as it did me. For us this wasn't a simple, meaningless, awkward, first kiss, this was a decision, my decision, to finally be with him, to finally break down the walls I'd put up, to let him in, to realize I was meant to be with him.
He held me securely as he gazed into my eyes, while I made my decision. He was going to be a gentleman, he wasn't going to push me or make me do anything I didn't want to. I felt his steady breath on my face as I began to let my eyes flutter shut and I slowly leaned in until I felt my mouth touch his ever so lightly. Jake let his lips kiss mine once softly and then again with such tenderness that it made my heart flutter.
Jake pulled back for a quick second before kissing me again, this one was deeper, more meaningful and antagonizing slow, it made my heart begin to beat out of my chest. Jake pulled back for a second time staring me deeply in the eyes, "Bells, are you sure?" he said breaking the silence. "Are you sure this is what you want?" I wasn't really sure how I felt, all I knew is that I needed more of Jacob, I needed him to hold me and kiss me until I felt whole again.
I respond by pressing my mouth to his again this time with more force. He took this as my answer and he started to kiss me more aggressively placing a heavy warm hard on my shoulder squeezing it light before moving it up over my neck and tangling it into my hair. He let his tongue graze my bottom lip asking for an entrance and I gladly let him in. I let my tongue dance with his as my hands explored his chest, his arms, his back. Kissing Jacob Black was like no other sensation I had ever felt, it was intoxicating, and comforting, and safe, and warm, oh so warm.
In fact it was almost the exact opposite of kissing – Edward. Edward, I couldn't believe I let him name creep into my mind at a moment like this, a moment so perfect. The sound of his name – even in my head – had a chilling effect on me. Kissing Edward although totally different than this was intoxicating it its own way. He didn't feel warm and safe; he was cold and dangerous, but intoxicating all the same.
This was perfect, all too perfect, just like it had been with Edward. And I had a fear deep down inside that this would end the same way, with me alone and more broken than ever. Eventually, someday in the far off future Jake would leave me, it was inevitable. I wasn't worthy of his love of his perfection, of his worship. Jacob would leave me, just like he did.
With this though ever muscle in my body froze. My hands stopped exploring his body, my tongue stopped dancing with his, and my heart stopped beating out of control.
Jake pulled away quickly, "Bella, Bells, honey what's wrong", he said running a comforting hand up and down my back. "Jake, Jake, I'm scared." I said my voice breaking on the last word as I buried my head into his chest. "This…this can't be happening. You're my b-best friend Jake" I managed to get out on the verge of tear.
"Shhhh… Bella, honey. Calm down." He said as he stroked my hair and planted a kiss on the top of my head.
I had to find some strength in me to pull myself away from him and get as far away as possible before this went any further. After a second I mustered up the strength and pushed off of his chest managing to support my own weight for the first time tonight. I let my eyes flicker to the roof of the cab, and to the dashboard, and out the window, and at the seat. I would look anywhere as long as I didn't have to see his perfect face. "W-what happened tonight can't happen ever again… Jake,okay." I took a peek up at his and I saw anger and disbelief rock through his body.
"But – but you said this is what you wanted", he said confusion washing over his face. "I thought you finally wanted me", he added almost inaudibly. "Look Jake," I said trying to keep my composure, "you and me just can't happen right now." I could hear a small groan escape his lips and it made my heart crumple a little.
"And it's got nothing to do with you Jake, I swear." Of course it didn't have anything to do with him, what was I saying, Jake was perfect, and the kind of guy any girl would want ; Strong but sweet, funny but smart, comforting but exciting, and warm, oh so warm. I shook her head at the minor distraction. "It's all me, Jake. I'm so sorry."
I saw anger shutter through his, and deep regret in his eyes. "Oh, really fucking original Bella." He yelled with nothing but hatred in his voice. "'It's not you, it's me' come on Bella, are you serious, don't you think I at least deserve a real reason, after everything you've put me through!" He was visible shaking now as his hands gripped hard onto the steering wheel turning his knuckles white. He was right, he deserved better but she could bring herself to tell him that they couldn't be together because she was too scarred. That she was so selfish as to think that she could just hold on to him forever with out giving anything in return.
"Jake, please. Please, don't be mad," I pleaded in a last ditch effort. Jake relaxed his hand as he let his head rest on the steering wheel. "I just don't understand, you said this was what you wanted." He said more to himself than to me. We just sat there in silence for a minute, letting the effect of what had just happened course through. Eventually he broke the deafening silence. "You should get inside Bella", he said with ice in his voice. "Charlie, will be home soon."
"Yeah, I guess your right", I said barley able to find the words. Jake quickly got out of the car and slammed his door shut before he walked silently over to my side to let me out. Always a gentleman. He opened my door with a jolt and I slid silently out of the cab. We starred at each other for a long moment before he rocked on his heels and muttered, "Well I guess this is bye, Bells," I could have sworn that I saw tears in his eyes but I never got a chance to look as he quickly tore off toward the forest.
"Bye Jake" I muttered pathetically as I watch his race out of sight, the tears starting to pour down my own face.