It was stunningly ironic. It hadn't been so long ago that I tried to stay as far away from Amy as possible; now I found myself clinging to her whenever I could. I had once hated Amy. But now I loved Amy. Amy was the one who made the magic happen. Amy knew how to navigate the world of drugs, the world that was new to me. I learned quickly how drugs redrew the battle lines. Amy and I were on the same team now: Team Get Fucked Up.

"Did she just smile at you?" asked Manny, looking at me with a pair of bewildered brown eyes. We stood on the front steps of Degrassi, in the middle of a swarming mass of students. Everyone's eyes were shining with the excitement of the weekend. Freedom, they thought.

But none of them really knew what freedom was. Not like I did.

"Who, Amy?" I said lifelessly, pretending I hadn't seen. I rolled my eyes. "As if."

Manny kept her eyes on me. She'd been watching me carefully lately, trying to put her finger on what was wrong. Manny always knew when something was wrong. She had known me for so long that she could see right through me. Maybe I should have been nervous about that, but it didn't worry me any more. There was nothing left inside of me for her to see.

On that afternoon, it was nine weeks that Toby and I had made a routine of going to the ravine on Friday nights; sometimes other nights, too. We usually walked home alone on Friday afternoons. We would play it cool, for the first few steps. We tried to act casual, to make it sound like we weren't desperate to get high. We asked each other about school, told boring stories, talked about movies or recent headlines or the weather. We robotically recited all the obligatory bull shit, but deep down all we really wanted to talk about was getting high.

After a few blocks, we couldn't hold it in. We talked about where we would get high. We talked about when we would get high. What we would do when we got high. How much it would cost to get high. How good it felt once we got high. By the time we finally parted ways, we were revved up and chatting wildly about what our Friday night would bring.

I loved getting high. Loved. Getting. High. I felt guilty for how much I loved it. It was all I wanted to talk about, and I knew how pathetic that was. That's why I was glad I had Toby. He listened to me, and I never felt pathetic when he listened to me. He always made me feel like everything I had to say was right. He soothed the guilt. When the weight of it was split in two, it was easier to carry. I couldn't admit it then, but we were enablers.

But on that particular afternoon, Manny's Spirit Squad practice had been cancelled. Toby and I were itching as we held our secret under our skin around her. The awkwardness was crushing. It made me want to get high even more, just to escape the guilt of wanting to get high. The walk was mostly quiet.

"See you later, guys," Toby said to us, leaving when we passed his house.

Manny stared at me as we continued walking. I could feel bad things about to happen. "So Em, we should hang out tonight. I feel like we haven't really hung out in forever. You could come over to my house."

There weren't drugs at Manny's house, I thought to myself. "I can't," I said. "I already have plans."

"Mmhmm," Manny replied accusingly. "They wouldn't happen to be plans with Spinner, would they?" She had done it. She had cornered me into the confession I wasn't ready to give.

"No, I'm hanging out with Toby." And it was not a lie. Not a total lie. The lying came slowly. I didn't start lying outright until later; until I couldn't even tell the lies from the truth.

"Emma, everyone knows you've been seeing Spinner. You think you can just date the guy I just broke up with and I'm not going to find out?"

"You broke up months ago," I said weakly. "And we're not dating each other. We're just hanging out."

"Emma!" Now that I had actually confessed, she exploded. "Are you crazy? Do you know what he did? Why do you think I broke up with him in the first place?"

"Maybe you never bothered getting the other side of the story."

Maybe you've never known what guilt feels like when it's eating you alive, I thought. Manny broke up with Spinner because she couldn't live with the guilt of what he'd done. She took the easy way out by dumping him. She had the option to toss the burden overboard. But Spinner and I didn't have that option. We could drown it in booze, smother it in the vapors of ice, but it was still there every time we sobered up. It was crushing us.

Manny huffed indignantly. "Why are you doing this to me? To yourself?"

"Are you really worried about me, or are you just mad that I'm dating your ex-boyfriend?" I brought my eyes to hers, lightning glinting between us as we stared at one another.

Manny sighed and looked at the sidewalk. "He's bad news, Emma. He's going to get you hurt."

Maybe I want to get hurt.

"Whatever," I said. I walked away.