My arms were laden with two plastic bags full of suckers and other chewy candies, and the first thing that I noticed as we walked up the concrete stairs towards Amy's apartment was that the neighbor's dogs were barking. The second thing I noticed was the screaming.

I hurried through the door to see what was wrong, and the terror I felt nearly made me vomit. Toby's arms were bleeding, dripping beads of scarlet all over the kitchen floor. Amy screeched in fear as Toby chased her with a knife, while Sticky tried to get at Toby from behind. Spinner immediately ran into the fray to try and pry the knife from Toby's hands, but I just stood there in dumbstruck horror.

I dropped the grocery bags to the floor, spilling sparkling plastic packaging across the stained beige carpet.

"Toby, sit the fuck down," Spinner urged, guiding Toby out of the kitchen and placing him on the couch. He tossed the bloody knife into the sink.

"What the fuck!" Sticky exclaimed, shaking his head and scratching furiously through his patches of greasy green hair. "I can't fucking handle this shit. Fucking crazy, yo." He furiously collected the blown-glass pipe and sack of weed that lie on the floor, and retreated to his bedroom to smoke and calm down.

Similarly shaken, Amy retrieved a beer from the fridge and popped it open. She wiped her sweaty brow with a sigh and slammed the first half of the bottle. For someone who'd just been attacked with a kitchen knife, she seemed to be handling it pretty well. Amy seemed to understand the hazards of the game.

"Christ in hell, Tobes," was all she said, leaning against the archway of the kitchen and watching him as he convulsed where he sat.

I realized then that tears were running down my face. Toby's eyes were glazed and distant as he clenched his fists, shaking. He looked like he was calming down, but he was still a complete wreck.

"He's bleeding," I said.

"Ew, and all over my fucking couch," Amy lamented as she chugged her Miller High Life.

"He's bleeding, you guys." In a panic, I scurried into the kitchen to find a towel. I brought one over to Toby and tried to clean up some of his cuts. Some of them were really deep. "This isn't good. We have to take him to a hospital or something."

Amy snorted loudly. "Are you out of your fucking mind, Greenpeace? We take him to a hospital and we're all fucked."

Spinner nodded in agreement as he stepped towards me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "She's right, Emma. Don't worry. He'll be okay."

Angrily, I shook Spinner's hands off of me and crawled onto the couch next to Toby. "You guys are pathetic. You would let him just sit here and bleed to death to save your own asses?"

I tied the rag around the wound that looked the worse and went to the kitchen to grab another. Spinner and Amy stood awkwardly in the background, reluctant to take any responsibility. I did what I could to put pressure on Toby's cuts, to stop the bleeding. Color gradually returned to his face, and he looked at his arms, watching the blood dry.

"There was so much blood," Toby murmured. "All over the hallway. And I know they say they power-washed it or whatever, but every day when I walk over that spot where it happened, I swear I can still see the stains."

I nodded, finding myself crying again.

"I want to go home, Emma."

I wiped the salty streams of tears from my cheeks and stood up. "I'll take you."

Spinner bitched and Amy made snide remarks, but I tuned them out as I took Toby's hand in mine and guided him out of the apartment.

We walked back to my house and crawled into the basement through the window. It felt like I never used the door any more. It felt like my whole life was a secret; I existed solely in windows and shadows. I felt like I could close my eyes and just disappear, my body felt that frail and empty.

"Thanks, Emma," Toby said softly as I tucked him into my bed. His voice sounded much more level. "I'm starting to feel a lot better. I don't know what happened to me back there."

I didn't know what had happened, either, and it scared me. So far drugs had only made life ten times better. I hadn't really imagined that they could make bad things happen, however naïve that sounds now. I just really wanted us to stay high forever. I wanted us to be happy again, like we were before the shooting.

Toby eased himself under the covers and started drifting to sleep. Frowning, I slid into the blankets beside him, spooning him gently and resting my cheek on his shoulder. I was too sped up to sleep, so I just laid there for hours, holding Toby and bathing in manic thoughts. I was still fixated on those moments of panic and terror back in Amy's apartment. The blood and the screaming. I had felt my heart stop.

I feel like ever since Rick died, I've been waiting. Waiting for that one shattering moment where everything will change. Where everything will finally end. I'd been standing there, so certain that the gun was about to go off…

I just can't shake the paranoia that the bullet is just biding its time.

…

"Em?" I heard my mother say, far far away. "Emma?"

I looked up from the spoon I'd been staring at, examining my distorted reflection. "What?" I said. "Sorry. I zoned out." Family dinners were particularly difficult these days. I never wanted to eat, I never wanted to sit still for that long, and I definitely never wanted to talk to my parents. What could I possibly have to say to them?

"Honey, you've hardly touched your dinner."

There were excuses or apologies I could have come up with, but I didn't feel like it any more. "May I be excused?" I asked, not bothering to smile.

"Sure, sweetie," said my mom, using a tone that implied even though she was saying yes, what she really meant was no. My mom and I used to be so close, such good friends. That made it hard, now, for me to stay away from her without her noticing. "You've been so quiet tonight." Tonight, and every night. "Was everything alright at school? Have you been feeling okay?"

Snake looked up from his plate expectantly, as curious as my mother.

I stared blankly at both of them. "Um, yeah. Things are just normal, you know? Nothing interesting to tell."

"Is there new guy in your life, Emma?" Snake asked with a slight smile, trying to be friendly about it.

For the first time during the entire meal, I made eye contact. "What?"

"Well, I'm not trying to pry, I just notice you going by the Dot after school a lot, and getting dropped off by Spinner Mason pretty often. I've never known you to be friends with him before… I just thought, maybe…" I could see that Snake was starting to blush.

My mother brightened slightly. "Have you been dating someone, Em?"

Dating was an interesting word. I wasn't sure it really applied to me and Spinner. We didn't really go on dates. We just did drugs together and fucked. I held my tongue carefully in my mouth, thinking quickly as my parents gazed at in me in anticipation of my response.

If I told them I was dating Spinner, the downside was that they'd probably ask more questions, and questions were the last things I needed. Especially where Spinner was concerned. On the other hand, the upside would be that a new boyfriend would make a good cover for my recent behavior. No, Mom and Dad, I haven't been acting weird because I'm a raging drug addict. It's just a boy, that's all.

"We've been talking," I answered ambiguously.

"Oh. Well, that sounds nice," Mom said encouragingly, glancing at Snake. Snake forced a smile, but he obviously knew Spinner better than she did. He didn't seem to think it was quite as nice. Mom continued. "Why don't you invite him for dinner sometime this week?"

There was a loud clang as I dropped my spoon onto my plate. Snake watched me curiously. I bit my lip. Dinner? Invite my methhead boyfriend to dinner with my parents? Risk revealing just how pathetic and fucked up my life had become, right in my very own home?

"Sure," I whispered. My mother smiled and nodded.

What the fuck did I have to lose any more, after all?