The Heavy Umbrella
Kaname was still holding my hand as we walked briskly in the garden of Cross Academy. It was one of those silent moments. The awkwardness is killing me. I don't know what to say… what to tell him. For the first time in my life I have never been this afraid of Kaname. I couldn't breathe. The tension is in the air. Then he stopped walking. We're in front of the fountain now.
"Yuki…" he said with a sigh.
I bit my lip. This is it. He's angry at me. Why must I always be this stupid. I can feel the weight of his stare. "Kaname… I.. " I am really panicking now! I just want to melt. To vanish from his sight.
"Look at me, " Kaname said as he held my face. His hands are trembling. Oh my god he's that angry! All of a sudden, to my surprise, he hugged me. his hug was different. It wasn't gentle. In face it was so tight. He whispered to me "Yuki, Is Shiki…" he sighed." Am I losing you? Please don't… " his embrace softened with his voice.
I couldn't see him like this. Its breaking my heart. My rollercoaster of emotions came crashing down on me.
"Can I really believe you? Tonight it felt like I was the only one… but then…I afraid. I was afraid that he already got you. That you can never be mine. Somehow, It felt like tonight you were mine completely, like a lasting treasure. Or was it just moment's pleasure. I'm afraid that in one moment you're mine then one minute your not." Kaname's words pierced through my heart.
"Am I not enough?" at those words… I broke. I feel my heart break into shards of unrepairable glass. I hate myself. I continually make him suffer. I feel so worthless. How can I make him… my Kaname, feel this doubt? How can I break his heart?
He released me from his embrace. 'No!' I wanted to shout. I don't want him to let go of me. I feel like I wouldn't de able to stand without him holding me. I felt like if he let go of me… that he would leave me. he wouldn't be my Kaname anymore. I was afraid of losing this one person. I was afraid of losing Kaname.
"Nevermind… disregard what I just said." Kaname said. His voice was cold. It was unfeeling. It wasn't his gentle voice. It wasn't my Kaname talking to me. It was somebody else. It was the voice of a stranger. He didn't hold my hand anymore. He started walking towards the dormitory doors.
"I love you…" I could only manage to let it out in a whisper. I hope he heard me. He held the door for me. I walked in. I'm trembling. I don't know what to do. Everything felt like a nightmare. A nightmare that isn't that easy to shake off… we quietly entered his room.
"I loved you too… I really did" I heard him say. No! the fact that he used the sentence in past form… does that mean…?
"I still do…" he said. Although his voice still is a little cold. It shocked me.