A/N: So this is the first story that I have ever gotten the guts to publish (besides an Alias oneshot 5 years ago).
Disclaimer: I am a broke college student. If I owned Star Trek, Kirk/Spock/Bones would be having hot, steamy threesome sexing all over the Enterprise. Since the movies have actual plot, it is therefore logical to assume that I claim no ownership of the Star Trek franchise.
"So, which position is your favorite?" Jim murmured into his lover's neck as they were both coming down from their orgasmic high.
"Position? I do not understand your question." Spock sounded so adorably confused that Jim felt a sudden rush of fondness layered with a fierce desire to protect and cherish this wonderful being who has found his way into his life, in each alternate universe (at least according to Old Spock).
"You know… like during sex. Missionary, cowboy, reverse cowboy, against a wall, in a chair…" Jim began to tick off the most popular positions, but stopped when he felt the body that he was resting on (not "cuddling with!!" because badass motherfucker captains who've saved their planet do NOT cuddle) begin to tense and rise.
"I… see." Spock said stiffly. "I apologize that my lack of experience is displeasing to you."
"Wha… wait, Spock! What are you talking about? You are not at all displeasing. In fact, you are very, very pleasing to me." Jim emphasized his praise with an over-the-top lecherous leer while internally panicking for messing up, again. He rolled over completely onto Spock to prevent him from leaving.
"Did I say something to offend you? Or do something that violates Vulcan culture? Because I did do my research, you know. I even talked to Uhura and believe me, that was a very awkward experience. I swear that she wanted to kick me in the balls several times. And I talked to your father! He approves, and we can be bonded for life and everything so you won't have to die during your Puffy Faze or whatever it was that he said. And I even asked Bones abo…" Jim abruptly cut off his pathetic speech, cursing that Kirk gene he inherited that made him spill his guts at the most inopportune moment.
Spock looked flabbergasted, or at least, as much as a Vulcan could look flabbergasted, which was one slightly raised eyebrow tilted roughly 57 degrees more than normal.
"Jim… I… am quite satisfied with your… diligence." Spock uncharacteristically hesitated before taking a deeper breath. "I would like very much for you to be my bondmate, but…"
"Well, then, what's the problem?? Or do Vulcans only do it in the missionary position, because that's fine and I've had enough wild kinky alien sex to last me three lifetimes so vanilla sex will actually be quite exciting for me."
"I do not see a logical association between intercourse and vanilla. However, I am amenable to doing more research so that I will be a more satisfying partner." Spock's ears turned the most adorable shade of green that made Jim fall even more in love with him. But Spock's words finally sunk in.
Jim gaped. And then he gaped some more. There was a long, uncomfortable silence in which Spock became more tense and Jim became even more confounded. Then Jim laughed. It started out as a giggle that he tried to smother, but turned into a full-blown, uncontrollable, "I'm going to pee my pants and I have stomach cramps" kind of laugh.
"Spock, Spock," Jim gasped as he finally began to calm down. "I… I thought you slept with Uhura."
Spock stiffened even more. At this rate, Spock was going to hurt himself with all of the Vulcan-ness that he was attempting to inject into himself. "My relationship with Lt. Uhura is none of your concern. That you should attempt to discuss it in this moment is in very bad taste."
"Spock, calm down. I'm just trying to answer your question about sexual positions. Spock, I promise. Just answer the question. Please?"
"We engaged in the human custom of "making-out" but that was the extent of our physical interactions."
"Whoa, seriously? You didn't hit that? But she's smoking! I know, off topic. So um… in full... uh… penetrative sex… Well, there are many ways in which to find satisfaction. You do know the basic mechanics of sex, right Spock?" Jim never thought he would have to explain sex to his lover, but that just showed how far gone he was.
"I have researched sexual intercourse in the computer database and am familiar with the concept." Spock was turning greener and greener with each word. Jim thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen, including Chekov's puppy eyes.
"Wait, so you're a virgin?? Spock, you didn't tell me that!" Jim exclaimed, as he was quite satisfied at Spock's blow job skills. "So kissing is the only thing you've ever done?"
"Affirmative, captain." Spock's monotone voice and black face had Jim reeling. After all, they were both naked in bed, with cum on their chests. Seriously, that attitude needed to go.
"Ok, Spock. First rule of our sex life, no calling me captain unless we're role playing, ok?"
"What is role playing? Jim." Spock added belatedly. "I… had thought you understood that I have never engaged in any sexual behaviors. If this is not… Jim, please tell me what I can do to satisfy you." Spock looked quite uncomfortable and dejected, and it made Jim want to wrap him up in his blankets and never let him go.
"Spock, I love you. I mean, I talked to your ex-girlfriend who definitively hates me with a passion. If that's not love, then I don't know… I don't care if you've never done any of this stuff I've been blabbing about. I'll show you, ok? You please me just by being yourself." Jim said this quickly in one breath, and it was his turn to fear rejection. He had never said those words to anyone and meant it, except perhaps to his mother and Sam when he was still too young to understand why his mom always looked sad when she talked to him. "If you don't believe me, then do your Vulcan mind meld thingy."
"Jim." Spock said, his voice reverent and almost awed. "I… I believe you." Jim exhaled and fought the urge to jump his new lover and show him what sex really was. "And you must know that I reciprocate your feelings."
Jim laughed, a sound filled with joy and relief and a number of other emotions that he couldn't identify at the moment. "Spock, 'feelings' is not a bad word. And in 10 seconds I am going to demonstrate what sexual intercourse is, if you have no objections, of course."
"No, Jim, I believe I do not."
"Then prepare to be educated."
The next morning, an exhausted Jim barely stirred when Spock awoke and prepared for alpha duty. In the mess hall, dragging a still sleepy Jim for breakfast, they encountered Dr. McCoy.
"Doctor, I think I finally understand the phrase, 'Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.'" And with those words, Spock deposited his new lover into the care of McCoy and left for the bridge, leaving behind a horrified doctor and a supremely smug Captain.