8 – The Letter

Bella

I didn't go home that night. I stayed at Edward's place waiting for him to come back. I called him every ten minutes for four hours running and there was no answer. Maybe he was serious. He actually was leaving. He was leaving me.

I sat on his sofa sobbing into the cushion, it smelt like Edward and it made me want to cry even more. How would I live without him? Why didn't I go after him? I already knew the answer. I was afraid that he hated me and afraid that his life would be better without me.

It was way past midnight when I started to feel sleepy. I hadn't ate, but I knew I should have. I went to his kitchen and opened the draw where he kept his cereals. Fruit loops. They were his favourite. I grabbed them from the cupboard and just took the box and a glass of water so I didn't get dehydrated with the amount of crying I was doing. I placed the drink on the bedside cabinet and looked at his bed. Not long ago we'd been making love on this bed. How did it all go so wrong?

Also on the bed was the box. The Bella Box. I had no idea what was in it, some part of me didn't want to know. But the large majority did, so I slumped down on the bed, grabbed the box and opened the pack of fruit loops, taking a handful and eating them one by one. I flipped open the lid to the shoe box and gasped when I saw what was inside.
Photos, letters, a t-shirt, diary entries, etc.

I picked up one of the photo's and looked at it. It was me, as a kid! About when I was thirteen I'd have guessed. Then beside me was a young, handsome boy with beautiful green eyes and bronze hair. It was...

"Edward!" I yelped, staring at the picture. So this is what he meant by me remembering him! Oh my god, Edward was my first kiss... That must mean something! Maybe it was destiny that brought us together!

I grabbed the first thing I saw from the box and that was the t-shirt. It was my t-shirt. It was the one with the cute bunny rabbit on the front. I remembered giving it to him before I left camp. The day I promised I'd come back...

And you never did.

I suddenly felt horrible. I'd left him as a child and hurt him, and then I was doing the same thing as a grown up. I began to hate myself. I kept looking through the pictures, reading Edward's diary entries about how he thought he might be in love with me. I laughed at some of the things he said, but every word made me cry.

Then I noticed the note cello taped to the inside of the lid of the box. I ripped it off and recognised the hand writing instantly. Edward.

My dearest Bella,

If you are reading this, I can either guess that you are either marrying Jacob soon, or I've left you and for that I'm so terribly sorry. Feel free to stay at my apartment for as long as you want, you can have it if you like. But that's not what I'm writing this for. I want you to see how I feel. To understand that I'm not meaning to hurt you by leaving you, but if just better for both of us.

Bella, the moment I woke up after making love to you, I can't describe how I felt. I felt like, for once in my life, that maybe there was a small chance that you could want to be with me enough to stay there with me.
When I saw you weren't there it shattered every dream that had been built in my head seconds after I woke up. The idea that you left my for Jacob hurt even more. You insist it's for Charlie's benefit, but I'm afraid to say that's absolute bullshit Swan and you know it.
You're afraid to be with me because you're afraid you'll get hurt. Afraid I'll leave you, that it'll ruin our friendship. But I have only one thing to say to that. I love you, and, if you love me, that's all I need. I'll never hurt you Bella.

If you believe me, you'll do one thing for me. Talk to Charlie. If you don't want to marry Jacob, tell him. He'll understand. And, Bella, I know you're probably thinking, but you fucking left you fucking prick! Why should I spend my days alone because you fucking tell me to? And that's a fair point – and classically Bella I must add – But if you aren't in love with Jacob, why would you want to spend your life with him if you can be living with dozens of cats?

I'm going to stop writing before I make more of an ass out of myself. I'm really sorry for what I put you through Bells. Just, please, be happy, for me.

Forever yours,

All the love in the world,

Your Edward.

XXX

I found myself turning over the page, wanting him to have wrote more, it was the most Edward I was ever going to get from that moment on. I read all his letters and entries over and over, just so I could feel like me was hear with me. I could almost hear him whispering every sweet, lovingly tender word into my ear. Eventually, I fell asleep reading with tears flowing non-stop.

The next day I did as Edward had said. I called Charlie. I was nervous as hell when I called him. I had no idea what I was going to say. Was I going to ask permission to not marry Jacob, or was I just checking up on him. I had no idea what to do.

My hands shook as I held the phone up to my ear. I heard my breath trembling as I waited for Charlie to answer the phone.

"Hello?" He asked. I nearly hung up, but knew if I didn't do it, I'd be trapped with no option but to marry Jacob. Not that I really have any other option now Edward's gone.

"Hey dad," I said quietly, praying he didn't hear the nervousness and worry in my voice.

"Bells! It's great to hear from you! How are you? Jacob told me you're planning to move the wedding to next month so I can attend. I can't tell you how happy I was when Jake told me," Charlie blabbered. I thought I was going to be able to tell him, but how was I going to do that after what he'd just said?

"Yeah, I know. It's great." I don't love him dad, please don't make me do this... "Have you ever felt like, something wasn't meant to be? Like you don't want to do something but you give into peer pressure?" I inquired, beating around the bush.

Charlie was silent. "You're not on drugs, are you Bella?"

"Of course not dad!" Edward's my drug and god, I wish I was on him...

Charlie sighed with relief. "Thank god! I don't want my little girl anywhere near that stuff! So what's bothering you honey?"

"The question I just asked you," I replied, not willing to say it again; It was hard enough the first time!

"Everyone feels that way sometimes Bells. But don't you give into peer pressure sweetie. If you don't want to do something, then don't," he advised.

"I-" don't want to marry Jacob. Say it, it's not hard at all! It's almost natural! "I miss you." You coward.

"I miss you too Bells."

"I'm sorry but I have to go. I'll call you later. Love you dad," I said with thick disappointment. I hung up and slumped into the sofa, sobbing loudly. I looked down at the phone and knew who I had to call next.

The Cullen's house was on speed dial number five, I let it ring as I tried to sort out my breathing. I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Bella! Do you know where the old man is? Mum's getting worried," Emmett cried, equally happy for talking to me and panic over his brother.

"I-" My bottom lip trembled as I tried to hold back my tears. But I began weeping, unable to control myself. "I'm s-so s-s-sorry Emmett."

"Bells! What's wrong?"

"He's gone. He left. He's going to England," I whimpered. "Can you come round? Please Emmett? I'm at Edward's." I heard Emmett tell Esme and heard them crying like me. Pure agony. Edward wasn't coming back, he wasn't calling, he wasn't answering his phone. Edward was gone, and I didn't know if I'd ever see him again.

Two days before the wedding...

The time between when Edward had left and my wedding day flew. Before I knew it, I was curled up beside Jake in bed, discussing what we were going to do once we were married.
Much to my dismay, I kept on seeing what me and Edward would be doing. On our honeymoon to be specific. Damn, I hate when my mind listens to my heart.

But, our conversation was stopped very suddenly. The phone rang. It was Charlie. My dad informed me that his cancer was getting worse, much worse, and they wanted to keep him in hospital and do tests on him. He grievously told me he was unable to attend the wedding. So I didn't have my father and I had no one to give me away.

I ran into the bedroom and launched myself at Jacob, crying into his chest. He soothed me and told me everything would be okay, that somebody else could walk me up the isle, that we could record the entire thing. It didn't help. Every girl needed their daddy on their wedding day.

I cried myself to sleep and decided that, if my dad couldn't give me away, I'd go to the next best thing. My second father. Carlisle.

I drove to the office even though I had the day off, considering it was my wedding day the next day. I had to go early because Alice and Rose were taking me out for the day from eleven to go knows when. We were staying in a hotel and I didn't know how long they were going to keep me up for.

When I knocked on Carlisle door, I heard him invite me in, only then to realise how much me reminded me of Edward. Voice, personality, looks. It was like having Edward walk me up the isle and, if Edward had been there, that was probably what I would have done.

I turned the door knob and pushed the door open, shutting it once I'd stepped in.
"Bella! What a lovely surprise! Shouldn't you be with Rosalie and Alice?"

"Yes, but I want to ask you something, I know it's short notice but, Charlie can't make it to the wedding and I wanted to know if you could... give me away...." I uttered nervously. What if he said no because I drove Edward away and made him move to England.

"I'd love to, but I'm afraid I have to decline. I'm not able to attend the ceremony either, but I will be there for the reception, definitely."

"Why?"

"I've promised, I'm sorry. I can't tell you."
I sighed and bowed my head. "I'll see you tomorrow then... Thank you."

"Don't looks so glum Bella. You're getting married tomorrow!" Maybe that's why!

I was dragged around town all day! I was tortured in several ways. There was talking of Edward and Jacob. Shopping and a Brazilian wax. I couldn't help but think of what Edward's reaction would have been if he'd known, or even seen, that!

The shopping day made me feel even worse than when Edward had left. Edward always came shopping with us! He'd put on funny hats in the shops and get kicked out for making an ass of himself in them. He'd always keep my entertained and by me ice cream to cheer me up. I really needed Edward to cheer me up at that moment.

When we arrived back at the hotel, we dumped the bags in Alice and Rose's room and continued onto mine. I was thankful for my own room, that way they wouldn't know I'd cried myself to sleep every night since Edward had left.

"What should we do? What should we do?" Alice squealed.

"Umm... truth or truth since the best dare here is to eat some of the cheapy hotel soaps," Rose suggested. "But the catch is, everyone has to answer the question!"

"Yeah! Lets do that! Since Bella's the bride, you go first! You can ask us anything," Alice squeaked. I pondered for a second. Even though I didn't want to play, I wanted to sulk, I still did.

"Okay! You've slept with you're best friend. You're in love with him, but you're marrying another guy, what would you do?" I inquired, hoping that they realised what I was saying.

They both looked deep in though, but then Alice's expression went blank and she looked at me with wide eyes. "Please tell me this isn't a true story."

"Just answer the question!"

Alice looked at me, worried, but answered the question, not bringing it up again.
It was eleven by the time we decided to go to sleep. I quickly popped back into the other room to get the book I had brought that day. It was called something borrowed and when Alice had described it, I immediately thought of my situation. I am now Dex!

I wandered back to the room, locking the door behind me when I got in. It didn't occur to me somebody could have gotten in while I was out. The lights were off so I couldn't see. It was creepy.

I heard somebody clear their throat from behind me. I raised the book as I turned, arming myself.

"Hey Bella." Somebody said from the shadows. The voice I could never forget. The voice that made me want to run, scream, cry and smile. Edward stepped out of the shadows, his hands thrust deeply into his pockets.

I nearly began crying at the sight of him. "Edward," I whimpered. "You're back!"
"I'm back... for now at least."

Not even thinking about what I was doing, I launched at him, knocking him over. He laughed as I placed a million kisses over his face. "Bella..." he breathed.

"Edward," I whispered, my lips hovering over him. Edward looked into my eyes, almost as if asking permission before kissing me hard and thorough.

For those few moments, I was lost in a world where Jacob and I were through and Edward had never left and we'd got together. Then I realised none of that was true. I was getting married the next day.

My world came crashing down and I started to cry more than I had when he'd left me in the first place. Edward removed his lips from mine and pressed them to my forehead, running his hands up and down my back in a soothing way. "Never leave me," I sobbed. "Never ever again. Please, Edward, I need you; I love you. Stay forever."

Edward looked at me then tucked my hair behind my ear, his eyes meeting mine. "Forever is a long time to be stuck with me."

"Forever's not long enough," I whispered in reply as I kissed him softly again. Edward pushed my off of him and stood up. Rejection washed through me as he walked towards the door. I opened my mouth to beg him not to leave, but realised that if I was in his place I would have probably left and not come back.
He turned the door handle, realising it was locked he turned around. He gave me a small smile then began pulling his shirt off as he strolled into the bedroom. "You coming?" He called.

I rose from the ground in seconds, wiping away my tears. With out thinking, I began stripping as I rushed after him.

Just once more...