I apologize for letting this story escape to the back burner of my mind. We have gotten so many amazing Loliver moments on the show lately that I was procrastinating on this chapter, because I was in such a good mood. This story has a rollercoaster of emotions, so it was hard to write tense moments when such adorkable ones were happening. Once again, I'm sorry. Here's a huge update in Oliver's POV to hopefully make up for it.
*I suggest skimming over the last chapter before reading this, but it's not necessary.*
"You are the moonlight of my life. Every night. Giving all my love to you..."
I try to spot the moon out one of the venue's windows that are far off in the distance. Watching the moon and star gazing is something Lilly and I both enjoy. We're known for our late nights (and sometimes even early mornings) together. Tonight would be the perfect night to do so out on a blanket at the beach or cuddling close on my porch swing. When the moment becomes just right, I would whisper those very lyrics in my girlfriend's ear and kiss her cheek. How I aspire for nothing more than to live out that moment right now...
But I can't see anything. I can't feel anything. There is no one on the receiving end to accept the love I give as I stand here this very moment. No light, no Lilly.
If I want to keep it together in front of this crowd, however, my focus needs to be elsewhere. Chords need to be played. Lyrics need to be sung. As much as it kills me, I'm going to continue.
"My beating heart belongs to you. I walked for miles till I found you. I'm here to honor you..."
A pang of sadness washes over me as the memory of our last night together surfaces. Where I told her, when I told her, how I told her. There is one image that is haunting me the most: that bitter/sweet look my love's eyes...
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I am silently driving home from band practice. This is the first time I do not have music blasting out of the speakers. Usually, I can be heard approaching several blocks away, but not tonight. Tonight is different. Believe it or not, I'm sick of power chords, bass riffs, and drum solos. I certainly don't want to listen to my own material. I have had quite enough of that for now.
My weary eyes watch the road and only the road. I have a loose hold on the steering wheel and break the "ten and two" standard. Thankfully, no cars are around me, because I am disobeying the speed limit. I am not careless, but I'm not all that interested in being careful. One thing is for sure; she's all that's on my mind.
I pull into my driveway with a sigh. Shutting the car off, I notice the house is dim. My father must be working late and my mother is in bed for the early shift down at the police station tomorrow. In all reality, I should have been home hours ago. We lost track of time, my band mates and I. Pretty soon, I'll be spending every waking moment with those guys instead of Lilly. I certainly didn't "sign up" for this...
I take the key out of the ignition. Various key chains dangle and clang. I step outside and attempt to shove the set of keys in my jean pocket. Something catches my eye. A picture of Lilly and I at the beach is hanging from a small, oval frame on the key ring. We're standing in our swim suits. Lilly is pressed against my bare chest, hugging me from the side; her priceless smile beams. Now is when I start to feel guilty. The original plan was to throw things together at home, take a shower, then catch some well needed and deserved rest, but I can't bring myself to do that. I have a secret. There's news that she needs to know. This will impact our lives in ways never imagined. Tomorrow is too late for my sake and her poor heart.
I look down at the picture in the keychain, close my hand around it, then at the brick house in front for me. Across the street, I see a faint, yellow glow coming from the first window upstairs. Lilly's home. Better yet; she's awake...
The walk from my driveway to her porch seems endless. A lone, flickering streetlight in the soft twilight hour guides the way. Sadly, I catch my feet dragging, but only slightly. It's not that I don't want to see her. In fact, I'm craving Lilly-pop right now. There is apple-scented, honey-colored hair that I'm begging to play with and soft, pink lips that I'm dying to have come in contact with my own. (Stop salivating at a day dream and focus, Oliver!) I've never felt so torn about how to tell Lilly something in my life.
I try to be quiet as I climb the Truscott's steps. Just because there's a single light lit doesn't mean Lilly's mother isn't home. I never have a problem with Ms. T, though. At this house, I'm always been treated like family. She tells me on numerous occasions that I am welcome to stop by at anytime. That I never need to ask to see Lilly or take her out places. Thankfully, I never misuse or abuse this privilege or give any reason to be doubted. For it is word of mouth and promises that I am depending on tonight.
For a brief moment, I think about knocking, but realize that's not necessary. Instead, I search their hiding spot for the spare house key. Here I am so loved and trusted that Ms. Truscott wants to give me my own key, but I feel uncomfortable accepting one. The door unlocks and I enter the house, taking careful steps forward. Silence is rather eerie, but it lets me know Lilly does indeed have the house to herself tonight.
I maneuver around the first floor and come to the steps. I carefully ascend the carpeted stairs. The creaking of the old wood underneath can be heard no matter how cautious my movements are. Half way there, I can see light streaking across the floor. When I reach the top, I notice Lilly's door is ajar. I don't know if this means she is awake or not. She probably fell asleep while reading again.
I stand off to the side and begin to weigh my options. There are only two: tell Lilly now or later. Who knows what kind of a state either of us will be in tomorrow morning. Keeping this news from her does not cross my mind. She's Lilly-pop; my one and only. The love of my life. I'm not about to break her heart.
I don't intend to break her heart...
Very slowly, I poke my head inside the door way. Lilly is lying on her bed in her PJ bottoms (the ones with the puppy dogs on them) and tank top. She has her eyes closed and a smile curls at her lips. Her iPod is resting on her stomach; earphones still in place. The volume is low, but I hear music mix with sound of her faint breathing. I recognize the melody and laugh quietly to myself. Lilly's listening to Coldplay, Yellow to be specific.
I debate about waking her. My little girl seems so peaceful resting like this. I call Lilly "little" because she has not out grown her innocence face. To look at her right now sends flashes of sweet childhood memories. No matter how old we grow together, she will always be the adorable, yet spunky girl I shared my crayons with. The girl who stole my heart.
I shake the suggestion from my head. Taking a breath, I place one hand on the bedroom door. Glowing light from the lamp on her night stand hits me straight in the eye. It is not terribly bright, but I hold a hand to my face for a few second just so I can adjust. I tip toe to Lilly's bedside and kneel down beside her. The lyrics of the song are about to start. I sing along softly.
"Look at the stars.
Look how they shine for you.
Everything you do.
Yeah, they were all yellow.
I came along.
I wrote a song for you.
And all the things you do.
And it was called "Yellow"..."
Eyelids twitch. Lilly takes her time opening her blue gems. I'm greeted by their sparkle when they do. I give her my trade mark dork smile in return. She is not shocked to see me whatsoever.
"Wow." She breathes. "Chris Martin is a better singer than I thought."
I blush at her teasing compliment. "Better than Thom Yorke?"
"No way." Lilly replies sleepily. I respond with a fake sigh and lower my head. She has won the great debate yet again. I hear her giggle between a yawn. I lean over and kiss her lips, taking my good old time before ending.
"Sorry I woke you up." I apologize, returning to my previous position.
"I wasn't sleeping." She defends. "I was just thinking about you."
"Must have been if you were listening to my playlist." I reach over pick up the iPod. Scrolling through, a massive list of songs is revealed; every one of which has a special meaning. I can place a memory with each title. These are songs I picked myself, but Lilly had some influence as well. One or two Radiohead songs actually appear.
"I've had it on all day, cause I missed you like crazy, Oliver." She tells me.
"You don't have to worry 'bout that anymore." I stop Yellow and switch off the device. Lilly removes her earphones, wraps them around the iPod, and places it on her nightstand. I get up off my knees and take a seat beside her on the edge of the bed. My hand rubs her arm. "Your Ollie-pop is right here."
"And he is all mine tonight!" Lilly's arms wrap around my stomach and pull on me. I fall backwards and plop onto her big, green pillow. I turn my head and see that playful look building up in her eyes.
"I am yours forever." I say it as though I am surrendering all of my rights to her. Lilly snuggles against me and kisses my muscle-growing arm. My head rests against hers, nuzzling slightly. Take it all in, Oliver. Who knows when this moment will repeat itself.
"Are you here for a sleepover?" She asks, poking my stomach. "If so, you're gonna need to lose this lovely shirt you got here." Her hands tug at the fabric.
Just as I start to enjoy this scene and lose myself in my imagination of Lilly's offer, the matter at hand flashes in my head.
"I wish I was." I sigh, playing with a few strands of her hair. "But I came to talk."
"I'm listening." Lilly replies. I notice her eye lids close themselves once more.
"You gonna fall asleep on me, aren't you?" I ask my rhetorical question.
"No..." She trails. The look on my girlfriend face is clearly reads she is tired. Adorable as always, but tired.
"Lilly-pop," I say, scolding her like a child. "I really need to talk to you about something."
Lilly can hear how serious I sound. Her eyes open in a flash of worry. "Is something wrong?"
I'm not sure how to respond to such a vague question. In a way, yes; something is wrong. However, if looked at in another light, something is just perfect. Two sides. One fact. Zero ways around this awkward moment.
"Ollie-pop, I'm serious." Lilly sits up in her bed, propping herself up with her hands. "If something's wrong, you need to tell me."
"I just..." Words won't flow yet, at least not the right ones. I answer back with the only thing I am feeling. "I'll miss you."
"What do you mean you'll miss me? I'm not going anywhere." She assures me.
"I know you're not..."
"Then what is on your mind, Oliver?" Lilly is confused and getting a little angry. She never likes it when I beat around the bush with her.
"You know where I was today?" I ask, looking down at her.
"Seeing how I didn't hear from you at all until just now..." I sense some minor hostility. "Band practice?"
I nod. "I spend a lot of time there, don't I?"
"Yeah, but I understand. Really, I do." Lilly says.
"I hope you do..." I talk out loud to myself.
"You told me you'd be trying to get some gigs this summer." Lilly folds her legs in and sits instead style on the bed. "How's that coming?"
"Great." I'm drawing circles on the sheet with my finger; not paying any attention. "Just...great..."
"Is that sarcasm?" She asks with concern.
"It's great." I mutter, still mindlessly playing with the bed covering. I guess I am hoping this whole incident will magically disappear.
Lilly reaches out and covers my hand to stop me. Finally, I can put the focus back where it belongs. "Did you miss your chance? Is that what's bugging you?"
I turn away, giving her the wrong impression. Now she thinks I'm a failure. Lilly believes I'm here to for consoling when just the opposite is about to occur. I'm trying to the good boyfriend and ease her into this, but I'm tricking her instead.
"Oh Ollie-pop." I feel her soft hands give mine a gentle squeeze. "It's ok, honey. You'll get that break soon." My mouth opens, but no explanation is there.
"You're an amazing singer, Oliver." Lilly praises. "Music is your passion and everyone knows it. You work harder than anyone else I know at trying to reach your goals. Don't let this little bump in the road get you down."
"Lilly..." I say, nervously. Why won't she quit while she's ahead? She doesn't know the consequences.
"You'll get there someday. I promise." The mattress sinks as Lilly moves closer to me. "You're my rockstar." She says, running her hand through my bangs.
An incredible pang of guilt hangs over me. I can't let her do these things. I can't let her say such sweet, comforting words. I most certainly cannot feed Lilly a lie. Something needs to happen. Speak up, Oliver!
"But Lilly-"
"And I'll be by your side every step of the way!"
Warm lips touch my cheek. I take in a shaky breath at the contact. Lilly pulls away and I find a small bit of courage.
"Oh, I got gigs..." I tell her with an underlining sigh.
"Aww, I knew you would!" My girlfriend throws her loving arms around me.
"Tons of them." I continue in the same tone. "I'm booked for the next six months..."
"Really!?" Lilly 'eeps' and squeezes me so hard I could pop like a balloon. I do my best to smile through physical pressure. Right now, it's a whole lot easier to fake than this emotional wave I have been stifling.
She pulls back for a second, then plants a big kiss fully on my mouth. Unintentionally, I deepen it, letting a moan escape. Her actions were just so sudden, and I am so needy right now. Insecurity does this to a person. I just can't help it.
"We need to celebrate." She adds, mumbling against my lips. We are still hungry for each other, though I keep telling myself to stop the situation. I can't string Lilly along like this. There is more to the story; a catch I haven't finished explaining yet.
But fire rages through me, and I nod in reply. Goodbye innocence; I am no longer in charge...
Hands are everywhere during this session. Mine are generally satisfied with running through her hair, but I feel Lilly's creep up my shirt. They slide up flat against my chest. Before I know it, I feel cool breeze from her open window on my bare back. She lets them explore, yet stops to feel my wild heart beat pounding fiercely against my rib cage. I can't tell if my strength gives out or I am pushed, but somehow I end up pined on my back.
Lilly grins down at me lustfully. My breathing hitches. Not only am I nervous and scared, but I'm also hot and bothered. Regardless of my condition, I need to say something...but I can't.
Lilly slowly traces a straight line on my upper body. Starting from just above the waistline of my jeans, her finger travels all the way up my neck. She crawls closer to me and rests on my lap. Never in a million years did I think would ever disapprove of what's happening. Tonight, however, I know it's wrong. This is not the time for such actions, no matter how bad I want it to be.
I swallow hard at the lump in my throat as sweat accumulates on my forehead. A soft hand takes my chin. It is now that I see the loving Lilly-pop return. She no longer wants to ravish me (she may still want to, but temporarily stops anyway.) Instead, I see a normal smile.
"My Ollie-pop's gonna be a local legend." She announces sweetly.
"L-Local?" I stutter. Lilly has done it now it. She hit the nerve. I'm about to give her heart a nasty wound.
"You gotta start somewhere." Lilly replies. "These dates around Malibu will definitely get you noticed."
"I've been noticed, Lilly." I spit back an answer. "A ton of people already want me."
"Excuse me, Mr. Ginormous Ego." She sashes and quickly removes her hand form my face in disgust. "You don't have to be cocky about it."
"I didn't mean for it come across that way." I plea. The last thing I want and need is to start a fight.
"I know, Ollie-pop." By her voice, I can tell Lilly doesn't want a fight either. She just feels frustrated with me. "It's just that you're acting like you've got some huge tour cross country or something... "
Hello, wound. Meet a billion grains of salt.
"Lilly..."
"Not that you're not good enough to have a tour! Because you most certainly are, Oliver!"
Now she is blushing at her 'nice save.' Her eyes dart around the room nervously.
"Lilly-pop, I-"
"I can't wait for the day you do, though! You'll get a big old bus to ride around in, you'll see the world, play shows for massive crowds almost every night..."
"Lil-"
"And I'll get to go and make all these new memories with y-!"
"Stop!" I command so loud my throat burns. Normally, I like to let Lilly interrupt, but I have so much pent up stress inside me that I explode. "Just stop it, ok!?"
Her eyes widen as Lilly jolts back in fear. I've never snapped at her like that in my life before. So quick, so loud. A part of me wants to scream the truth. Doing so would have bitter consequences. Every second I waste debating the right method is a second I could have been with Lilly. Another warm embrace. Another exchange of 'I love you's.' Another kiss to share. A moment of pure love is gone forever.
The only thing I take note of to change is my tone. It is calm as humanly possible at the moment. Inside and out, my whole body is still shaky. Just like Lilly, I am a mixed bag of emotion. I have a deep feeling I will regret this, but there's no other way to break the news. I must man up and man up now:
"I did get a tour, Lilly-pop. I'll be playing all over the US during the next six months."
"H-How?" She stares at me blankly. My girl's eyes aren't full of hurt or sadness yet.
"Remember that EP I had my guitarist send out to a buddy of his in LA?" Lilly nods. "Well he gave it a listen and loved it."
"That's great, honey." She smiles.
"Apparently, he sent someone to watch the show we had down at that beach party the other night; like a talent scout or something." I continue. "He found out we were having rehearsal today and stopped by with this amazing tour offer."
"I can't believe it." Lilly says in awe. "He must really think you guys are awesome if he set things up that quick."
"He sees great potential in me and the whole band for that matter." I give a half smile. The worst part is yet to come. She's going to ask that question I don't want to answer.
"When?"
I pretend I don't understand when I really just want to buy some time. "When what?"
Lilly shifts from my lap to lie down on my stomach. She hovers just above my head and looks down at me with ocean-blue eyes and school girl innocence. "When do we leave?"
Automatically, my eyes shut. If I let my precious Lilly-pop look at me anymore, I will melt into a puddle. (Call me a wuss, but that's the power she has over me. That is love.)
"We aren't going anywhere..."
"What?" Her face scrunches.
I take a breath in and exhale very slowly. "I'm leaving...you're staying..."
"Wait, I don't get to go with you!?" Lilly sounds more shocked than angry. "Why not?"
"It's too sudden." I give a lousy excuse.
I feel hands grab the sides of my face. Her long, blonde hair tickles. My eye crack open slightly as she touches our foreheads together. She just wants to be close as possible. Now I see some concern. Now I see some fear. Above all, I feel her love.
"When do you leave?" She whispers a little shaky.
My arms encircle Lilly and hold her in that position. I make the mistake of opening my eyes the rest of the way for the hardest thing I have to tell her. The word I hate more than any other: "Tomorrow..."
Both our hearts skip a beat at the same time. For a brief moment, Lilly and I had basically died together. It doesn't take long to set in with her. I compare it to throwing an ice cube on a salt-covered cut. Shock and hurt balance each other out, but only for a moment. Then, it's solely pain until the ice melts. Until things return to normal, or the way they should be (whatever is easier to obtain. There isn't anything "normal" about Lilly and I.)
"Tomorrow?" Lilly peals away from me cautiously and sits back on her legs. The heat from her body vanishes with her. I'm feeling cold everywhere, not just in my heart. "You're leaving tomorrow!?"
"Sunrise." I mutter depressed. I've already done major damage. There is no use for sugar-coating the details.
"I can't believe this..." She buries her head in her hands briefly, then returns broken hearted, spirited, and souled. "Tomorrow!?"
"I'll be finishing out the last few months of school on the road." I explain. "I talked it over with all my teachers and the principal. They're giving me tons of book work so I can pass."
Nothing about Lilly's look as change. She is still hurt, still seconds away from bursting.
"I'll be back late August." I add. "Maybe first week of September at the latest."
I wait for a comment but don't receive one. I watch for an impulse action but am left high and dry.
Very carefully, I sit up in bed and slide my feet out from under Lilly. She mindlessly moves help free my legs. I swing them over the bed. Reaching down to the floor, I grab my shirt that Lilly flung off my and swing it over my shoulder. Slowly, I turn to face her.
"I'm sorry, Lilly." I whisper. Our eyes shine with tears as we exchange a glance. "I'm so sorry..."
We can only give empty stares for so long. When I look away, I feel movement on the bed. Lilly makes her way over to me on her knees. Once again, she somehow manages to pry my shirt from my hand and discard it someplace else. Though it's a tense moment, I cannot help but smirk silently. (Ever since I began working out, Lilly has made it clear that it's a crime for me to hide such muscles under a shirt. I knew the whole Greek God thing would catch on sooner or later.) Arms circle me from behind. She buries her head in my shoulder and sighs deeply.
"Why is this happening to us?" A few warm drops hit my cool skin. She is not about to wail. (Lilly sure has the pipes for that.) This is not a typical break down. It's more of a silence cry. "Can't I just go with you? Please, Ollie-pop."
I take my hands and rub her arms. It's my only offer of condolence I can give at the moment. She gets gooesbumps from my touch. "You should stay here and finish the school year. You should be focusing in getting good grades, apply for colleges, and finding a job. Start planning for a better future."
Lilly pops her head up and stiffens like a board. "A future without you!?" She asks, frightened.
"No." My head spins around and I am quick to destroy her worry. She lets go of me so I can adjust my position on the bed. "I just want you to be secure. One of us has have money to pay the bills and feed little Ollie incase of a bad record sales and stuff."
"Little Ollie?" She sniffs. Tears dry up from Lilly's eyes. Do I see a sparkle in them? There's even a tiny curl of her lips. We're only seventeen, yes, it's true. Should we be thinking that far ahead, I don't know. With Lilly, it's hard not to do so. Call me young and naive, but she knows where my head is. She knows that's where my heart wants to be. That's where both of us want to be someday.
"Well...yeah." My face flushes pink, and I scratch my head nervously. "Unless you have a different name in mind..."
"Hold me?" She asks softly, as if she's worried I will say no. I would never deny her my loving arms.
I reach out and pull Lilly on my lap. Her back presses against my chest. Lilly feels tense, so I give her a loving squeeze and she relaxes a little.
"I only have passion for two things in this world; music and you."
I lean my head down and lightly kiss her neck, taking the time to inhale her sweet scent. "Not in that order, of course." I explain. You held my hand way before I ever picked up a guitar or mic. Even if you claim it was just for the crayons."
My girlfriend smiles up at me, then captures my lips. We have a soft, sensual kiss. I really take the time savor the feeling. I am not one to throw the word "love" around haphazardly. When I say I love this woman, I really do. Every ounce, every fiber. Together, the two of us are the definition of the word.
"How long can you stay?" Lilly asks after what seems like an eternity.
Out the corner of my eye, I can see Lilly's alarm clock. The night is growing later and later at much too fast of a rate.
"I'm late as it is." I reply. "I still have to pack and do some other things."
"Please stay." Her eyes echo the plea.
"You need sleep, Lilly babe." I remind her.
"How am I supposed to sleep with the thought of you leaving on my mind?"
I know exactly what Lilly is doing. She is throwing on the charm and guilt-tripping me. If this was any other day, I'd kiss her cheek and somehow magically force her to bed. This isn't an ordinary day, however. I won't be around to make it up to her by buying her a big cup of her favorite frozen yogurt and letting her school me in skateboarding tricks. I don't have the time to let her seek revenge in her silly little ways. This is my last night with Lilly for six whole months.
I send a dorky smile with my answer. "Lets make this last forever..."
Gently, I lean back in bed with Lilly still in my arms. On the way down, I reach over to her nightstand and switch off the light. Lilly rolls on her side and I scoot up right behind her. She's warm and safe as I hold her snuggly around her stomach and waist. I press my head against her back and nuzzle as Lilly lets out a content sigh. In no time at all, I should have my sleeping beauty. To help coax her out, I hatch a plan in my brain. I think of how am I feeling and revive the song from earlier.
"Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you.
Everything you do.
Yeah, they were all yellow.
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."
So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all "Yellow."
"Your skin," I caress Lilly's smooth arms and hands, playing with each of her fingers as I continue singing. "Oh yeah, your skin and bones. Turn into something beautiful."
Removing one of my hands, I tuck a part of Lilly's hair behind her ear. I lean in close, debating whether or not to kiss her cheek. She could wake up, and then I would need a new plan. Doubt lasts for only a split second. I kiss her warm skin and whisper our favorite line.
"You know, you know I love you so..."
Just then, I feel Lilly's breathing regulate. The faintest snore escapes her nose. I can't help but chuckle. Oh that girl of mine. She is just too cute that I don't want to leave her yet.
I adjust myself carefully and continue to cuddle with my sweetheart. I wonder if she is dreaming and of what. Whatever it is, I hope it's pleasant. No nightmares tonight, my love. Nothing bad can happen when I am here. My arms act as her personal dream catcher. She feels the safest with me.
If I'm not careful, I will drift off to dreamland myself. Believe me, I want nothing more. I want Lilly to wake up in my arms, roll over, and give me a good morning poke in the stomach like she has done on so many occasions. She'll flash the most adorable look until I poke back. Then, it's an all out war as we playfully attack each other so much that we misjudge the size of her bed and fall to floor in a thud. Memories...
Ironically, I do end up falling asleep (only reaching stage one where I'm not completely out of it.) I seem to float back in forth from real time to unconscious thoughts. When I snap back to reality, I discover it is midnight.
The blue numbers on the alarm clock are taunting me. Their glow seems extra bright this evening, almost obnoxious. It is as if they are laughing in my face. They know every second of this night is precious to Lilly and I. Evil little suckers. Why must I be facing the same direction with a constant remind of how I should be home right now? Stupid clock. I know I'm not where I should be...but this is where I want to be. This is where I need to be...
Unfortunately, I really do have to leave in case my parents have finally realized I'm MIA. Ever so carefully, I release Lilly from my hold. Though she is so far gone in her sleep cycle, I'm positive she can tell she's on her own. Her sense of touch is so keen. Plus, she claims to have "Oliver senses." I just like the fact that I can send shivers down her spine.
I do my best not to make any sudden moment as I roll over and sit up in bed. Feeling guilty, I stretch to the end of the bed, pick up the sheet that was folded down, and cover Lilly up to her midsection. Sweet dreams, angel. My feet then touch the floor, and I place my hands on my knees to help myself stand. Searching the ground, I discover my shirt is lying clear across the room. Nice distance, Lilly-pop. I take small, quiet steps over to retrieve it. After getting my big head of shaggy hair through, I have to stop. Lilly makes some sort of sound unconsciously. It's as if she knows what I'm doing and doesn't approve. I take the shirt back off and laugh silently.
The thought of leaving it here with her also crosses my mind. I wonder if she would keep it as a reminder of me. Knowing Lilly, it'll end up in the garbage as she continues this phase of constantly wanting a bare-chested boyfriend. For now, I decide to just take it home and fling it over my shoulder. When I do so, I catch a whiff Lilly's perfume and her natural scent. Perhaps I should bring it with me on tour and wear when I'm on stage. That way, she is always close to my heart.
Silently and slowly, I make my way towards the door. I stop at the edge of the door way, propping myself up against the side of the door frame with one hand. Though the bedroom is pitch black, light from outside illuminates her face; accenting all the right attributes that make Lilly one beautiful girl. The look she sends me now is a mixed one. Although temporarily at peace, I have never seen her so uncertain. She's lost; thinking "what do I do now? How will I get through this?" Is the half smile she gives me a fake? Does she want me to have the impression that the situation I sprung on her isn't as big of a deal anymore? No. Lilly is pure and true. Sweet and sensitive. Timid and tender. She loves me and supports me.
Yet here I stand, watching the sheet rise and fall with her every breath, knowing I about to leave her; the only reason I wake up each morning. Am I getting second thoughts? Will she change her mind tomorrow?
The longer I stand here, the worse I feel. As is, I am choking back a tear. I sigh deeply after a few moments and take one final gaze at Lilly. Fighting my dry, scratchy throat, I say all that there is left to say:
"You know I love you so..."
I become so caught up in a day dream that my finger slips to a wrong key. I can feel the stares of a hundred pairs of eyes on me. Even if the crowd didn't catch the minor mistake, I am who they came to see. They aren't thinking about anything else, unlike me. Mentally, this isn't happening right now. Since I am here physically, however, I should do my job. What I'd give to just fade away from all of this! Lilly needs to know that. She needs to know I am ok. She should know these lyrics are true:
"If I lose everything in the fire, I'm sending all my love to you..."
The reason this memory seems long and drawn out is because I couldn't decide on how I wanted Oliver to break the news. There's a little bit of everything; a nice mix, I thought. I didn't intend for Coldplay to have such a big presence in chapter, but "Yellow" is just perfect for them. The next chapter giving me some difficulties, but I'm not throwing in the towel. Updates will continue, despite my crazy college schedule. Please let me know what you think. I love your comments.
-Marissa