Sending All My Love to You

by drummer8907

Oliver struggles with missing his girlfriend while on tour. Miles away, Lilly is going through the same pain. Cell phones keep them connected, but aren't always reliable espeically in Oliver's time of need. Based on Green Day's "Last Night on Earth"

5. Chapter 5

Time management has never been one of my strong points. Tiny chapters with little detail don't cut it for me either. What you are about to read takes place in Oliver's POV, is 90% flashback, and gets most of the Loliver content through phone calls. Forgive me for my OCs. I am not the best at making well-rounded characters.

With that being said, I hope I haven't let anyone down from this. Enjoy.

---

"Alright, Oken. One verse down." I tell myself. It doesn't matter where I am in the song. This isn't getting any easier. Awkward stares and glares from the band aren't helping either. The crowd gives mixed reactions as well. They don't get me. No one gets me...

Well, no one here does at least...

"Sing to her." My mind tells me." In her heart, she can you."

But can she really?

"With every breath that I am worth here on Earth.
I'm sending all my love to you."

Please, hear me, Lilly. Somehow this message needs to reach her. Echo my plea; my pledge of love. I don't know which one of us needs the secure feeling more.

My focus turns to keys under my fingers and the hole in my heart. With each note and passing moment the crevice becomes deeper. Whose real fault is this? Can I honestly blame an inanimate object's probable malfunction for my misery? No, that's ridiculous and childish to do. The blame is all mine then? It very well could be. More than likely, I did this to myself.

I'll be open: I am guilty of boyfriend screws-ups. What guy isn't? Lilly and I both keep track, not that I'm proud of them whatsoever. Case in point, though I may be the perfect match for my Lilly-pop, I am in no way, shape, or form a perfect person. Stupidity likes to overrule my logical side of the brain, especially when I'm separated from her. She's the savior of my sanity. One without the other just doesn't work.

It's not that I forget, it's not that I don't care, it's simply that I am a man who is easily persuaded. Not tempted, gullible. Not intrigued, forced. There is no desire when I'm under pressure.

The pervious night is a perfect example. Is that why I haven't gotten a warm reception? , My worry becomes clear as I begin recalling everything that happened. Oh how I wish I could take it all back...

---

A rare occurrence is happening right now: I am actually sleeping. The hotel bed I am laying on has the softest mattress I have ever felt. Blankets are thin and pillows are a little flat, yet I am physically comfortable. Perhaps I am giving too much credit. In all reality, I am grateful to be in any place that is specifically meant for sleep. Between the van and back room couches, my spine hasn't been straightened in quite some time. No doubt this tour is dooming me to an early life of back complications and insomnia issues. Tack on another con for leaving Malibu.

Yet here I lay; not only sleeping, but dreaming sweet, sweet dreams. I have missed these almost as much as the person who appears in them...

She cuddles close. I snuggle tight. Under the blankets of my girlfriend's bed, we have our moment. Silence soon breaks. Lilly looks up, smiles softy and says: "I'm so glad you didn't go. I knew you couldn't leave me..."

Even asleep I feel my heart plummet. In my mind, I never left…

Dream Oliver, however, smiles back and replies: "I wouldn't and I won't ever. I'd have to be a fool to leave you here."

Kisses and "I love yous" exchange. I swear I can taste her.

And in my dream, I start nodding off. Is that even possible? Can someone dream that they're sleeping, therefore having two dreams? I don't understand the situation. All I know is there is a warm, fuzzy feeling inside me; the kind I only receive when my Lilly-pop is near.

Dare I smile? The real me does form a tiny grin. For once on this long, tiresome trip, I seem to be almost happy. The emotion can't exactly be confirmed as such, but there is enough of something similar to make me seem that way. I think I'm enjoying this.

Then, my mini-heart attack arrives. Vibrations from my cell phone on the nightstand causes the precious dream to end abruptly. Normally, I would simply roll over and ignore it, but I haven't been the same since the day I departed. Now I am too jittery and jolt straight up in bed, startled. My natural reflexes kick in before attending to the noisy object. I rub the space left beside me. It's empty and cool to the touch. Even though my brain knows the answer, my heart always has a hope that Lilly would be there someway, somehow. Cleary, I am not used to dreaming, because this felt all too real.

After letting the somber fact sink in for a second, I hatch another theory. This phone call could be her. She is probably calling to say good morning and to check in with me. Lilly is so caring and compassionate...and she misses me. She needs me and the feeling is mutual. I wonder what her dream was like and how she slept, too. If I'm not fast enough, voice mail will kick in, and I'll miss my chance. Excitement takes over, and I quickly grab the phone to answer.

"Good morning, baby." I greet. My first words after waking up are low and scratchy.

"Hey there, hot stuff!"

This is not the sweet voice I know. It is too squeaky and high-pitched. Soon after, I hear snickering in the background and things make sense. Sometimes, I really can't stand my band mates...

"Jim-my!" I grumble loudly into the receiver.

"Don't yell at me, dude. You came on all fresh to me first."

"What do you want, Jimmy?" I ask, sounding very groggy.

"Oh it's not just me. We're all here."

"Huh?"

I hear Jimmy click his cell to speaker and the heckling of Steven, Josh, and Kyle-the other guys in my band. My sigh is not audible, but the loud smacking sound that my hand makes when it comes in contact with my forehead is. Great; all four of them are on the phone. This won't be pleasant.

"My question still stands: what do you want?"

"Where the heck are you!?" Every band mate shouts in unison.

"You know where I am." I mutter. "And by the sound of my voice, you can obviously tell I was sleeping..."

"Rise and shine, little man!" The drummer shouts loudly into the phone. "We gotta grab some food before we hit the road."

"Stop at fast food on the way."

"Actually, we're all sitting in the hotel restaurant right now waiting on you." Kyle joins the convo.

"I'm not hungry." I sink back down in bed, wanting hang up so badly for a tiniest of chances that I can return to dreamland.

"We're holding people up, man!" Josh explains. "And remember your blood sugar!"

"You're not my mother, Josh. I'm just fine."

"I bet you Lilly would want you to eat something..."

Steven's words set up an uproar of teasing. I hear someone mimic the sound of a whip, while two others go about a replay of one of mine and Lilly's love-sick conversations. Musically, these are the best players in the state of California. Personality-wise, most of them can be real jerks at times. This is what tour has been like. Yes, I am the young one trying to make a name for myself, when these guys have been around the block one or twice. Do I get respect? Not always. Is hazing an issue? It shouldn't be, but it is, and I am told to just get used to it. If this is what a typical rock star life is supposed to be like, I foresee a change of plans in my future.

Regrettingly, I let the guys have their fun. I'm not in the mood for a shouting match nor do I have the energy. When I feel time's up, I sigh heavily into the receiver.

"I'll be right down..."

"You got ten minutes, or I'm sending Steve up to get ya!" Jimmy warns.

"I went last time!" Steve whines in the background.

"Fine...Josh?"

"No way, man!"

"Well then I guess it's Ky-"

"Why don't you get off your butt and do something for a change, Jimmy?! Ugh. Drummers!"

"Don't start with me!"

"Guys!" I do my best to sound like I have an ounce of authority. "I said I'll be down and I will be. I don't need an escort."

"Focus, Oliver!" The guys remind before hanging up on me.

"I am focused." I mumble to myself, slowly dragging my stiff body out of bed. "She's got my full attention..."

With in the time allotted, I must clean myself up and throw on a half decent outfit. The warm shower feels so good on my aching muscles, but I rush through it. The hardest task is finding clothes that match. Living out of a suitcase is worse than it sounds. Nothing ever goes back in its place, and I'm constantly misplacing socks and underwear. (Usually, I would check down either mine or Lilly's couch, but that's another story.) Somedays I even go to reach for that red hoodie of mine, forgetting that my love is probably wearing it. Today is a "whatever I can find" outfit day. I'm clean. My clothes seem to be as well. Now it's time for a race.

Of course the elevator is down when I need it the most. Luckily, my room isn't on one of the higher floors. I sprint down about five flights of stairs. That is still enough to leave me huffing and puffing as I reach the guys' table at the restaurant. They already have half-eaten plates of food in front of them. So much for waiting...

"Right on time." Jimmy reports after glancing at his watch. "I'm impressed, Oken."

"Elevator's out!" I collapse into the black chair out of breath. Kyle slides me over a full glass of ice water to rehydrate. A few gulps later, I am able to speak again. "I thought you said you guys were gonna wait." I point at Steven, who is taking a big bite out of a piece toast.

"You're here, so I'm eating!" Steve shoves the rest of the jam-covered bread in his half-open mouth.

"You're such a pig!" Josh whines, wiping the crumbs off the table. (I once told Lilly she ate like a pig. I later took back the comment, but let me just say that Steven James Morris is the messiest, sloppiest eater I have ever seen.)

"You going to order something?" Kyle asks, trying to ignore the scene to his left.

"Nah." I snatch a slice of bacon from Jimmy's plate for myself. He doesn't notice, because he is now trying to tame the conflict between my rhythm guitarist and bass player. "I was told we were in hurry, but I didn't think I ran all the way down here to watch grown men fight over the last pancake."

We don't want to, but Kyle and I take a brief glance at the rest of the guys. Josh has Steven in a head lock very close to the table, while Jimmy is trying to claw his way closer. Yep. This is the Smokin Oken band. If it wasn't for their talent, they wouldn't be here.

"A stranger couldn't tell that everyone sitting at this table is a twenty-something, except for me." I mumble out the side of my mouth and roll my eyes.

"You calling me immature!?" Steve pops his head up from under Josh's tight grip and scowls. His face is red from all the struggling.

"You're the one who drew a smiley face on the pancake with butter..." I point to the cartoonish drawing on the breakfast food.

"I wanted to put ketchup like it had a bloody nose." He explains the gross details. "But Joshy here wouldn't let me." Steve motions to the man holding him captive with his head.

"'Cause it's sick!" The bassist shouts.

"Shut up or I'll give both of you a bloody nose!" Jimmy joins in with a threat.

"This is ridiculous!" I exclaim. My fist slams down upon the wooden table with great force, causing utensils to rattle. "Jimmy, stop being jerk, Josh quit trying to be macho man and let Steven go, and Steven...grow up or at least act human! You guys are such an embarrassment!"

I let out a frustrated sigh and fold my arms across my chest. It's way too early in the morning to start this kind of trouble with me. Usually the guys aren't a terror until after the show. I wonder what possessed them to start acting this way now. At least I catch their attention by my outburst. I see every pair of eyes widen as they comply. Surprise; I can be just say bossy and threatening. The only difference is I chose not to be, until a matter like this one comes along where it requires this kind of attitude.

"No need to be so snippy, "Ollie-pop"..."

A switch snaps in my brain. Something bursts; my arms fly across the table to grab Jimmy by the collar of his fake black leather jacket her wears to look "rock star." The rest of guys watch in shock.

"You can call me Oliver, and you can all me Oken..." I tighten my grip and glare angrily in my drummer's face. "But don't you dare call me that name!"

"Uh, not to be the one to ruin you're moment," Josh hesitantly says. "But you yelled at me for wrestling with Steve. Right now, you look like you're about to choke our drummer, man."

"Yeah, Oliver! We need him!" Steven adds.

"Hypocritical or not, just leave him go, guys." Kyle steps to aid my defense.

I ignore every other living thing in this whole room except for the cocky musician smirking in front of me. How I wish I could just pound his face in for not only this comment, but all of the smart-mouth remarks he makes! Jimmy talks bad about both myself and Lilly. That is something I don't take lightly. The fact that he has the nerve call me the sacred nick name in a voice that mocks my girlfriend is appalling. To hear "Ollie-pop" at a time like this devastates me, especially after his morning. So close in a dream, yet so far away in reality.

"Why are you so cranky...Oliver?" Jimmy has the nerve to ask for an answer. He at least has an ounce of respect to correct his mistake. "Didn't sleep well?"

"I slept fine." I throw all the attitude right back to the sender. "I still would be if you hadn't called for some reason, which I'm still trying to figure out. I mean, if we were in such a huge rush like you said, why are we sitting here having it out like this, huh?"

"I'm sorry." His apologize has no value whatsoever. "Were you dreaming about your little "flower girl" again?"

"Flower girl!" Josh laughs. "That's a good one!"

"Oh Lilly-pop, my love!" Steven does what he thinks is an imitation of how I sound. "You're prettier than the flower that shares your name! Sweeter than every apple I have ever eaten!"

Even though he completely over plays the dramatic factor, what Steve says hits home. It's true; I dream about Lilly ever chance I get and say those things to her. We just entered the last month of this tour. Oddly, it makes me more fragile. I can count down the days, hours, even the seconds until I see Lilly again, but only causes more problems. For me, I find it easier to take a different approach. I'm deciding to go in numb. When I want to reminisce and day dream, I will. My band should respect that and leave the love of my life out of their vocabulary or random topics when they're bored. She's a serious matter.

"Can you...can you not bring her into this?" I ask, slowly loosening Jimmy's jacket from my hands and sit back in my seat. "Please? I don't...I don't need this right now."

"My point exactly." Jimmy replies. "You don't need this extra stress on you. It's not healthy for ya, Oken."

"I feel-"

"And you shouldn't." He interrupts. "That's why were gonna fix you up tonight."

"I didn't know I was broken." I reply confused.

"Not broken, mislead." Steve corrects me. "That's why the Jimister here has a plan!"

"Oh...?" I cautiously wait for further details.

"I got some old friends of mine coming out to the show tonight." He begins. "I've been filling them in on your little situation, and they're willing to help ya out tonight after the show."

"I don't see what you think hanging out with a bunch of guys is going to do for me." I respond honestly. "But I'm not stopping anyone."

"He's not getting it, is he?" Josh poses a rhetorical question.

"Maybe we're too late. Maybe we can't save him." Steve pretends to wipe away from fake tears. He is horrible actor.

"I don't know what you guys are trying to do, but you all look and sound like idiots right now." My eyes scan to every person seated at the table.

Jimmy sighs and makes a final attempt to explain. "We're throwing a party tonight to get you out of this funk. I took the liberty of inviting a bunch of my "female friends" to introduce to you."

"Excuse me?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Oh for Pete's sake, Oliver! We're trying to hook you up so you'd get your mind off Lilly for once!" Steven blurts out the plan in simple terms.

"What!? I exclaim. Am I hard of hearing already or have these jerks really stooped this low? Are they...are they essentially trying to get me to cheat!?

"Hear me out on this, Oken." Jimmy wants to protect his statement but I won't let him.

"What's there to hear, man!?" I yell. "I'm not playing your twisted game! I have a girlfriend!"

"But do you love her?" He asks.

"Of course I do!"

"He means are you in love with her." Steven emphasizes.

"Yes! I am in love with Lillian Truscott a billion and two percent!"

I fly up out of my seat and scream so loud that catch the attention of the restaurant staff. They shoot their glares at my disruption. My face reddens with embarrassment, but I couldn't be more proud to stand my ground to protect and profess my feelings. Eyes dart nervously as I wait for the moment of awkward silence to pass. Once it does, I slowly sit back down, and lower my tone so just the four people who are in this conversation can hear me. "She's my everything, you guys. You know that."

"Lilly has too much of you." Jimmy voices his opinion. "We need you just as much as she does."

"I'm here, aren't I?" I spit out in a sour manner. "I sacrificed a heck of a lot to be, but here I am."

"You just not mentally here, Oliver." Josh adds. "That's all Jimmy wants to fix."

"You don't fix that by throwing me in a room full of girls; I'm not being shark bait. There's only one girl in this world that I want to be with. Nothing can change that."

Everyone is quiet for moment. I think I might have actually struck a chord in some of these guys, however, I ruin it with my next comment: "You guys know what this feels like...don't you?"

"Oken, Oken, Oken." My drummer sighs after taking a sip of his coffee. "You just don't understand women."

"Because everyone here does..." I tack on the sarcasm.

"I know what they get like at a time like this." Jimmy offers his words of wisdom. "I once had a lady. Couldn't stand to leave her, so I pulled some strings and brought her on tour with me."

"Lucky!" I whine like a jealous child, because I am one. "Bet it was everything you ever dreamed of."

My words cause Jimmy to nearly choke on his hot beverage. "Are you kidding!? It was pure torture! I sent her packing after three weeks!"

"How could you say that!?" I am taken aback by the disrespect. "What did she do that was so bad!?"

"She was just so annoying! Always right next to me, never letting me have any time to myself. She thought she owned the bus, and was constantly messing with equipment! Ask Ky!"

"Actually, Nicole wasn't that bad." Kyle answers after thinking if he should lie to save his hide or tell me the truth. "She played music, too, and you could hold an intelligent conversation with her."

"You just like to go against you big brother, don't you!?" Jimmy temporarily puts his aggression towards Kyle, who avoids eye contact. I just don't see how one of them can be a pompous freak while the other has a heart. Their poor parents…

"I still don't see why she left." Why don't I ever remember not to poke the bear with the stick? I fear I am getting chewed for this.

"She never let me out go after the show and party!" That is the straw that broke the camel's back?

"Well of course she didn't let you. She didn't want you around other girls." I take Nicole's side (whoever that is.) "Girlfriends do that because they love you."

"Love shmove!" Jimmy bites. "We weren't in love!"

"I think she was..." I whisper.

"If she knew how to be a rocker's girlfriend, she would have let me go out."

"That's...that's terrible..." I don't have it in me to look my oldest band member in the eyes. It seems like every day I lose more and more respect for this creep as a human.

"That's why I don't get emotionally attached to girls." I don't remember passing the torch to Steven, but here comes more neurotic ramblings. He is one to give his input without anyone asking for it.

"I don't see you as the girlfriend type." I reply.

"No way, man! I don't want a yippy little lap dog or a love sick puppy following me around!"

"Stevie Morris is a bad boy..." I roll my eyes in disgust.

"Darn straight! Life's too short to settle down! Go out and live it up while you're young, kid!" I can't believe someone can be proud of such a lifestyle.

"I live a very full life being taken." I tell him, but feel like I am wasting my breath. "Lilly and I have a lot of adventures together."

"How could you without being bored with each other?" Steven's question is an honest one. He doesn't know how to love someone and only that one person. "I haven't been with a girl for more than a week at best. I always find new ones that come along."

"You do realize you go through girls faster than milk expires?" I point out the bitter fact.

"I don't even like milk!" He shouts.

"How did you mange to pass school!?" Josh stares awkwardly at Steve, who is now trying to get his spoon to hang on his nose. There isn't any official word that this man has ADD...but I don't have to have a degree in medicine or psych to know that there are a few screws loose.

"I never said I was smart!" The utensil falls from Steve's nose to the table with a clang. He growls in frustration. "At least I had ladies."

"I had a girlfriend once." Josh openly admits.

"What got between you two?" I pry.

Josh just sighs and points to the answer with his thumb. "She cheated on me with Steven..." The culprit breathes on the spoon and finds out that this will get it to stick and hold to his nose.

"You weren't what Megan was looking for!" He claims.

"I'm surprised you remember her name. That seems like an odd accomplishment for you." The bass player praises.

"I always remember the good ones..." Steve winks. In my mind, I want to pursue this somewhat, but just shake my head instead and turn to Kyle: the only half-sane person in this band other than myself.

"Do you have anything you wanna say about this?"

"I can't be any help. I...I never had a girlfriend."

"I find hard to believe." I reply. "Outta these doofuses here, I see you as the only one would actually be a good in a relationship."

I notice that Kyle seems to be getting uncomfortable with the situation. His eyes dart and he mindlessly plays with the scrambles eggs left on his plate.

"I don't want a girlfriend." He finally speaks. "I can't give my heart to someone."

"Sure you can. It takes time and just the right girl." It feels weird for a seventeen year old to give a twenty-two year old encouragement, let alone in a subject as deep as love. "You find her and everything falls into place. It's so simple."

"I can't give my heart away, because I already gave to music." Kyle replies. "That's all my mind, heart and soul is."

"Well it shows. You're the best guitar player in the state." I give credit where credit is due.

"You're just as good." Kyle sends the compliment back to me. "Well, you would be if you put everything you have into music."

"If? I do."

Kyle shakes his head. "No, you don't, Oliver. At least you haven't lately. Lilly can't be your main focus anymore. Not when you've got gigs to play and money at stake."

"You're turning on me, too..." I trail off feeling incredibly betrayed. Kyle and I have known each other the longest. He is the soul reason I got this tour set up, because he showed our demo to a promoter. We like to write together, and up until now, he was my go-to guy for advice. Now I am left to fend for myself. Once again, no one understands me.

"No one's turning on you." Jimmy rejoins the conversation. Why is it that these guys will back each other up, but throw me to the wolves every chance they get? "That girlfriend of yours is corrupting your mind and it's showing through in the performances and in every day life."

"You have the guts to call me corrupt!?" Blood starts to boil.

"Love's a disease, kid" The "all-mighty" Steven thinks he can preach a point. "We need to control it before you crash and burn."

"It's too late, I'm already fatal! Lilly has taken every ounce of my life and I want it to stay that way!"

"Calm down, Oliver." Kyle is sitting next to me and can sense I'm about to hall off and punch these losers in the face! I already have a fist made. It's shaking out of sight at my side. On the inside, it feels like I could take all of them on at once...or at least flip the table. Hulk-like visions surface. Don't get any ideas, Oliver.

Two things flow through my veins on a daily basis around here: rage and love. These imbeciles have another thing coming if they think I am going to sit back and accept this insane agenda! My point will be made. My voice will be heard. It's time to for me to act like a true front man. The band's leader must do just that, lead the band.

"I don't care how you guys live your lives; that's none of my business." I announce getting up out of my seat to stare them all in down. "But you will not sit here and tell me that my life is ruined because I love someone and miss her dearly! You guys aren't my boss, you guys aren't my family, and after today, I don't even know if I can call anyone here a friend. What you are, however, are my band mates. When it comes to music, I'll listen to opinions and take advice. When it's about my own life, scratch that, my love life, I don't need to and I won't hear you out. I give what I get. Hassle for hassle, trouble for trouble."

I pause to see if anyone is "still here", because it is awfully quiet. Four pairs of wide, blank eyes are fixed on me. This pleases me so much that I almost form a crooked smile. Eating out of the palm of my hand, are we, fellas? Oken has the reigns now! A kid's laying down the law! Even though I prefer that she is, my Lilly-pop taught me how to take charge, and I'm using all of my skills to their full advantage.

"So just forget about this master plan of yours, Jimmy. I'm not gallivanting with a bunch of bottles blondes because you think I'm lonely and distant. As far as I'm concerned, I'm taken in every sense of the word by my girlfriend, and that's how it's gonna stay." I slam my chair in so hard that it smacks of a leg of the table, leaving all of its contents to tremble. "You don't own me, she does!"

My chest falls in a very loud exhale. I wonder if steam is coming out of my ears. There is enough anger present for that to be possible. Passive-aggressive behavior sure takes a lot of out me, but the empty looks I receive in return are well worth it. Score a point, no, make that record a victory for the underdog. These guys have met their match.

"Van. Two minutes." I hold up fingers as a signal. "We've got a busy day ahead of us."

With that, I turn on my heel and start my walk to the exits confidently and with my head held high. If she were here, I think Lilly would be proud of me. I know I am. However, if Lilly were here, I wouldn't have the guts. There wouldn't be a need for this meltdown. Now she's on my mind again.

And I was just doing so well with keeping my emotions in check...

On the way out of the dining hall area, I see a long, rectangular table with fruit laid out on it as part of the restaurant's buffet. One quick check to see if the coast is clear, and I snatch a round, red apple, before dashing out the door in an almost "Mission Impossible"-like fashion. I take a big first bite, which almost bring tears to my eyes.

Steven's teasing comment was right: this apple tastes nothing like the sweetness of my Lilly-pop...

I toss the fruit that holds too many memories nonchalantly into a near by trash bin, then pop my phone out of my pocket to send my love a good morning text.

***

The drive to the next venue is more quiet that usual. Every once in a while, I hear Jimmy mutter a curse word at the GPS system, claiming the stupid computerize female voice is being uppity when he makes a mistake. Steven is half passed out behind him, thankfully not to the point of snoring just yet. My bassist flips through the pages of a music magazine, while Kyle has pen to paper, feverously cranking out more lyrics to a new song in progress. This continues for miles and miles, hours and hours. No one says a single word to one another. Apparently, the speech from earlier buys me four cases of the cold shoulder. This doesn't bother me one bit. I have nothing to say to these guys. They aren't worth a second more of my valuable time.

Here I am; hidden so far back in the van that I am practically smushed against the window from all of the equipment. Physical discomfort is the least of my worries. Besides, who says I want to be seen? Maybe I want to fade away from all of this nonsense. Maybe I just want to go home to her...

My ear phones to my iPod struggle to stay in place with Jimmy's rushed and reckless driving. (I swear he hits every pothole and bump in the road as if it is a game to hit the most.) The final solution I come up with is to lean my head against the cool window. As I do that, I switch custom-titled playlists from "on the road again" to "I miss you, baby" and sigh deeply with my eyes closed. My list is similar to the one Lilly has. Some of the same songs are on it. Naturally, feelings appear and I start to really feel a kick of depression. With everything that has happened so far, it's inevitable that my motivation vanishes. Where is Lilly? Why isn't she here? Why am I doing this again?

During this whole ride, I am nursing a small talk text messaging conversation with my girlfriend. Roles seem to flip-flop: Lilly tells me that things are crazy on her end. I remember that school is starting again soon; more than likely tomorrow. We're seniors in high school; it's unreal. She is busy trying to gather things to be prepaid as best as she can. Leaving the house isn't something Lilly likes doing anymore since I have been on the road, but she claims that her mother is making her do some last-minute school shopping. (We would normally do this activity together. Nothing brings a couple closer than watching each other pick out clothes and discovering that they secretly purchase matching outfits, even when that's not the plan.)

Messages are few and far between now. The last text I receive is one with a heart; a simple way of saying so much. We don't even need words sometimes; however today is an exception. Sadly, I know I'm not going to get anything else at the moment. Glancing at the time, I make a note of when to try again. I close the phone, grateful for the little things. My mind goes back to wandering about freely as I stare down at the yellow-lined pavement. Are we there yet?

Silence breaks once we arrive. Honestly, it is mostly sighs of relief that we got here relatively on time and one piece. As soon as Jimmy shuts the car off, I am the first to swing open the door and hop out of the tightly-packed, musty-smelling transportation.

"Now all of the sudden he's excited..." Drummer mutters to guitar player.

Without waiting for help, I open up the hatch and stare at the massive mound of electronics, instruments, and hundreds of feet of cable. It's miraculous how all this junk fits in here. How we mange to load and unload almost every night is a mystery. It is like a real-life Tetris game, or perhaps more like Jenga. Things fall on unsuspecting people all the time, too, if the person isn't careful. Amps are much heavier than they look, plus the amount we have is shocking. I rub my chin, trying to devise a plan for safe and efficient removal. A black drum case catches my attention. Hands search to find the right way to lift it up and out of the van.

"Hold up there, little man." Steven crack open the door as him, Josh, and Kyle exit the vehicle. Jimmy isn't far behind them. "You do that and it'll cause an avalanche."

I don't make eye contact; I just simply continue reaching for a strap or a handle. "Like you would care."

"I thought you were done throwing your hissy fit." Jimmy says.

"I'm not throwing any fit." By now the case is almost free. I am cautiously, yet quickly pulling it out from its wedged position.

"Maybe not, but you're being mighty stubborn..."

"Stubborn's my middle name." With that comment, the kick drum case comes loose and is now in my possession.

"I thought it was Oscar..." Steven blinks. Both Kyle and Josh smack the back of his head. What a dummy.

"You really shouldn't even be unloading stuff yet." Kyle tells me.

"Did someone call the venue and confirm drop off time?"

I pose this typical question to all of my band mates. Their only responses are whistling and shifty eyes. We have a system here on tour. Kyle is right in saying that taking stuff from the van isn't what we do first. It's not like anyone here is in the right mind set, but of course, it all boils down to being my fault. Not today. I won't stand for it.

"Well that's just great! No one inside knows we're here or what we're supposed to be doing!" I exclaim, slamming the hatch shut. "I can't rely on you guys to do anything for me, can I!?"

Since Jimmy is the oldest here, he tires to take me on every chance he gets. "I'm sorry, Oliver, but-"

"Don't waste your breath on an empty apology!" Jimmy receives a dirty look before I turn to his brother. "Can you run in talk to someone, please?"

"Sure. No problem." Kyle agrees. I'm glad to see he's willing to work with me and not stand there and place blame like the others.

"Let them know we're here and unpacking. Ask about sound check and triple confirm what time we go on."

"You got it." He replies, jogging towards the steps that lead to the main entrance.

"And find out where the bathrooms are!" Steven calls out antsy.

"Oh, just go with him!" I command and point off in Kyle's direction. One guitar player waits as the other stumbles towards him. No more "Big Gulps" for that guy.

"Might as well put that back." Josh says referring to percussion piece I am holding with one hand. "We're probably in for a good wait.

"I'd rather save the time and do it all now." I shoot down the suggestion. The three of us begin the tedious deed. We do manage to make some progress in unloading without any insults or rude comments. Working without any backtalk; what a concept for my guys to grasp.

"Least I got a nice spot."

I speak too soon. The number one offender goes back to his old habits. Jimmy feels the need to find somehow be the hero of the day. It's pathetic and I stop paying any attention to him. Just as I go to place the vital piece of equipment I have in my hands on the ground beside me, I catch a glimpse of a street sign out of the corner of my eye.

"Um...not really..."

"What's the problem now?" He throws attitude at me.

"Read for yourself." I point at the metal, white and red street sign not much further from where Jimmy parked. Both Jimmy and Josh take a second to analyze what is written.

"Eh, that don't mean anything." My drummer disregards the warning and goes back to fishing out the next piece.

"It clearly says "no parking.' I reiterate.

"That's for regular people, not us!"

"We're in the city with cops galore. The last thing we need is to be ticketed and/or towed." I explain. "And they don't care who you are, trust me."

"I'm not taking anyone's side, but we just emptied out almost half the van. Can't we just stay here and finish?" Josh asks innocently. One word to describe him is indecisive. He never chooses sides, yet never really forms an opinion for himself. Bassists tend to have their quirks, but Josh is something else.

"I'm not responsible for thing that happens." I state my verbal disclaimer.

"What would you like me do then, Oliver!?" A shouting match wants to begin as Jimmy starts things off by slamming a box of accessories on the sidewalk and getting up in my face. Bad mistake.

"Dude, my new turner better not be in that!" Josh is more worried about his possessions than the scuffle in front of him. I ignore his concern to continue the battle.

"Park somewhere else, you idiot!"

"Where!?"

"I don't know, man! Somewhere else!" (Way to go, Oliver. That's a real smooth comeback...) "Around the block, maybe?"

"Then you're lugging this crap back there at midnight alone!"

I receive an ultimatum (along with a shove.) To Jimmy's disappointment, I don't seem very shaken up when I stumble back a step or two from force. In fact, it just worsens the situation for him. This is the third time today that I have strong urges to just strangle the smart-alec man. (And keep in mind that it's only early afternoon.)

Remember the consequences and that a counter attack of violence isn't worth it at this point, I try to return to a semi-calm state to reason. "You and Josh can finish unpacking. I'll go look around out back."

"You just wanna wonder around aimlessly to get out of work!" He accuses me of being lazy.

"I'm doing my part by finding us a place to park." I reply through gritting my teeth. "I need to stretch my legs, too."

"Yeah, whatever. You weren't the one driving..." Jimmy rolls his eyes.

My response is not a verbal one. Instead, I take the guitar case I am holding and shove it straight in the trouble-maker's gut unsuspectingly. I hear Jimmy "oof" as he is caught off guard by the hard plastic case jabbing him. No "oops" or innocent smile on my end. Daggers fly from our eyes for a second or two, but I cut this conformation short as I turn and start walking in the opposite direction.

"Stupid kid!" I can hear Jimmy's gruff voice echo off of all the buildings surrounding me. All I do is smirk and continue my leisurely stroll down smooth city block with my hands half resting inside the pockets of my jeans. An opportunity like this is a rarity, so I am milking every last drop and loving it.

At only twenty feet away from the scene, I have to stop this victory walk. The overwhelming instinct to cause harm subsides greatly. I have no doubt that the feeling will rise again and sometime soon. For now, I have other plans that I must act upon. Very cautiously, I turn my head to see what the guys are doing. Believe it or not, they are still following my order. Perfect; everything is working.

I continue walking down the street little further, taking in the sights. It's honestly a nice area, and the venue itself is in a much better section of town than some of the others. Though I'm not much of a night life person, that seems to be the number one source of income here. A few "mom and pop" business are scattered about in between corporate chains and clubs like the one I am playing in tonight. Maybe I can do some exploring late with the guys. Right now, I am on a most valuable mission.

And it's not really finding a parking space. That is just a cleaver cover up I thought to use.

I reach the end of the venue's property. Just around the corner, there is a gated empty lot. A sign clearly states "Entertainment Entrance." Had the driver of the van paid any bit of attention, everyone would be back here. (Sometimes that is all it takes in this world; a little common sense and bigger attention span than that of a goldfish.) After a quick survey of the area, I come to the conclusion that no one is back here. It's the perfect spot, but I'm not about to rush over with this discovery. I need this spot all to myself for a more important reason...

As I approach the main gate, I see that is has only a simple latch. Without hesitation, I open up the squeaky-hinged bar just enough to squeeze myself through and close the gate directly behind me. I don't want to attract employees or anyone else for that matter. No one can know where I am. That is the whole point. I'm escaping unwanted human contact for a little peace of mind.

Hot mid day sun beats down on me in my dark clothing. (Navy blue and black aren't the smartest colors to wear in summer.) I need to get out of the heat and blinding light that is reflecting back in my eyes from the black top. Shade is a must, but where can I find some? Looking around, I see that there is a small awning hanging over the back door entrance to the club. I decide to make refuge underneath it. Brushing off the single cement step, I let out a sigh and sit with my legs bent. A nice, secluded and shady spot away from the ignorant egomaniacs. I'm almost happy. All that's left to do is my real agenda.

Digging in my pocket, I pull out my clunky, old cell. Service is shoddy, but I have just enough bars to function. I choose the number I want to call from speed dial and wait, mindlessly tapping my fingers against the phone. A simple ring feels like an eternity in length. Nothing can be as bad as my life these past six months, but suspense is killing me. Be there. Please be there.

"Hey Ollie-pop!"

Lilly's cheerful voice greets me as hoped for, but I don't receive the feeling I wanted. I should be happy. A smile should beam across my weary face, but it turns upside down instead. It only makes me miss her more. It's more difficult to keep myself together when Lilly asks "Calling to say hi?"

"...Save me, babe..."

"What?"

I let out a heavy sigh with my eyes closed and rest the back of my head against the cold, metal door in a thud. "I need you. I miss you. Come save me."

"If only I could."

"Hop in the car of ours and get over here." I ask for something that I know isn't possible, but I like to beg and persuade.

"I don't have a GPS to guide me."

"Take a bus."

"No money for the fare, honey."

"...Skateboard to me?" My mind is mush: I actually believe that feat is possible.

"Ok, now you're just being silly..."

"Not silly, desperate..."

"Well you do sound lonely and distant..."

My eyes pop open at Lilly's choice of adjectives. Of course she can see right through my charade; she's my girlfriend. Having her say it directly to me, though, is much harder than just saying it myself. Coming from Lilly, it puts everything in perspective. I really am this bad...

"What's wrong, Oliver?" Caring and compassionate vibes are being sent. "And don't say nothing, because I can hear it in your voice."

"It's just been the day from you-know-where..."

"You didn't say much when we were texting earlier."

"I didn't want to bring you down." I say honestly.

"The only thing you can say that would bring me down is that you're never come home..." Lilly's voice softens in as she trails.

"No, sweetie! I'll be home!" I declare. "Don't you ever think I wouldn't!"

"Then what didn't you want to talk about?" There's a pause on both ends. I'm deciding what I should say while my Lilly is trying to figure out my secret. She is a fast thinker and hits the nail on the head: "You got into another argument with guys, didn't you..."

"You know me all too well, Lilly-pop."

"Was it Jimmy?"

"Mostly."

"You know I don't like that guy. Never have, never will. How can you stand it?!"

Weakness is definitely busting its way through and dominating this call. I waste enough time dwelling in memories and wishing that I had my baby with me. Now that I have a golden moment to hear her voice and tell her every and anything on my mind...I feel like crying to her instead. My head sinks and I bite lip.

"I...I can't. Not for much longer..."

"What did he do this time?"

"He's just being a jerk like usual. They're all being jerks! Constantly nagging and picking on me for every little thing imaginable!"

Half way through my rant, I get the subconscious message from my body that I need to move, so I get up from the concrete slab and begin to pace. I can feel my anger resurfacing with each step.

"Jimmy woke me up when he called screaming at me, we caused a huge scene at breakfast this morning, and I slammed a guitar case at his stomach so hard it almost skewered the punk!"

"Why did you do you that?!"

"He was being crabby that I called him out for parking in a no parking zone."

"Where...where are you, babe?" She is so taken aback by the story of my random act of violence that she becomes confused.

"Out back behind the club; alone and ready to pull my hair out!"

"Ollie-pop..."

"I can't take this stress, Lilly!"

My voice reverberates and carries a great distance. No doubt my cover will be blown soon by this. Someone is bound to find me. Feeling completely flustered, I pound my first against the brick building so hard my hand stings. What a fool I am. Breathing gets louder and sharper as I try to shake off the numb feeling from stupid act.

I sigh annoyed with myself, the band, and the whole universe for that matter. All this time, Lilly is silent. She's scared for me and shocked of my behavior. This is not her Ollie-pop. Her dork doesn't do these things or snap in this manner. Am I doing something I promised I wouldn't do? Is this a clear example of the "c-word?" What is with the sudden "change?"

"They're just...they're pushing too many buttons..."

"I know you don't wanna hear this, baby, but I think you're just overacting..."

"Overreacting..."

"Yeah. You're reading too much into things and making yourself sick."

"You wouldn't say that if you knew what was said..." I mutter.

"Something about you or something about me?"

"Both."

"Who cares what anyone says, Oliver?! Have we ever listened to anyone back at home? Heck no! We try to annoy people on purpose! Do we need to have a "you're so cute" bicker fest on speakerphone again?"

I smile faintly. "Well it has been a while..."

"The bottom line is you gotta stop letting these guys get to you, honey! Look at what it's causing. They're not worth it."

Lilly's speech clears up most of my anger. Silly, stupid, and immature. She doesn't say it, but I know those words are what Lilly is using in her mind to describe me right now. My face flushes red with embarrassment, though no one is here to view it.

"Lilly?"

"Yes?"

"I love you." I breathe out all of my true emotion from those three little words into the receiver.

"I love you, too, Oliver."

We give a moment of silence to enjoy the tingling in our hearts. It doesn't matter old we are or how long we've been together, we still get butterflies.

"Are you sure you can't pull some strings and come seem me in Sacramento tomorrow?"

"Unfortunately, I can't..."

"It's. Just. Been. So. Long!" I whine.

"Counting the days?" She asks sweetly.

"Until I hold you in my arms again and never let go..."

"You're cliché-ness is adorable." She giggles.

"I'm keeping the rest of my ideas to myself..."

"Oh really? You don't want to share your thoughts with your girlfriend?"

"You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'...?" A seductive tone washes over my words.

"I could be..."

"Well keep thinking it and I'll show you when I get home."

"I'll never concentrate at school tomorrow. I'll be missing you too much."

"School starts tomorrow for sure, huh?"

"For sure." There is a short pause as I hear the obnoxious sound of Ms. Truscott's car horn in the background. "Ugh. My mom wants to drag me to another mall to get more school clothes! I'm sick of going out!"

"I thought you loved it."

"Not without you here I don't." The horn sounds three more times. It is so piercing loud that almost gives me a migraine. "I better get outside or she's going to have a conniption."

"I'm sorry, babe. I knew you were busy. I shouldn't have called."

"No, don't ever say that!" Lilly corrects. "You know I need ya."

"Ditto...and thanks for talking me out of wanting to strangle the guys."

"My pleasure, Ollie-pop. Call me later, ok?"

"I'll hit you up normal time."

"You're the best."

"You're darn right I- wait!" I catch myself. There is still another matter that I want to address. "Jimmy's having some stupid party after the gig. I don't know when or how long that'll last. I don't even wanna go either."

"No, you should go." Lilly surprises me with her answer. "After all that's been going on, you need a stress-reliever."

"You're my stress-reliever, honey."

"I think you need some fun, though, Ollie. A party might do you good."

"But...But Lilly-pop-"

Heather Truscott shouts warning all the way out from her car that rattles my ear drums. Lilly knows she must obey, even though I disagree.

"I gotta go, Oliver. My mom's screaming now."

"I know...I won't keep you."

"I love you, Ollie-pop!"

"Love you, Lilly-pop..."

All of our conversations end the same. For every time that my heart flutters, it also sinks. Every smile on my face fades to a frown. Satisfaction is always guaranteed with these calls, but there is never any tell of how it will last. I am not greedy; I always cherish what I get.

But today it's not enough...

As I slowly close my phone, I can't help but dwell on all the wrong points. For starters, "Save me, babe" is not the best way to greet Lilly. It shows how desperate I am right off the bat. My careless allocation of time is another outstanding factor. Most of it was spent listening to Lilly rebuild my broken spirit. I definitely need to learn some self control.

And I didn't even get to warn my girlfriend about tonight's events (Jimmy's evil scheme, more or less.) She wants me there, because she doesn't know of the torture. "A party might do you good" she says. Lilly doesn't understand the capabilities the members of my band have. Who knows what is going to happen tonight. All I know is I'm dreading the mere thought.

With all these thoughts and worries swirling around, I start to feel light-headed and more stressed out now than I was prior to talking with Lilly. (How odd is that?) Very carefully, I inch my way back to chunk on concert by the back door and take a seat. The phone finds it ways into a pocket as I mindlessly stare off into space.

"I'll be home soon, Lilly-pop." I speak to the hot, thin air as if Lilly herself can hear me. A sigh escapes after a brief pause. "Just not soon enough..."

I lean my head down and rub my hands across my face. In duel sense of the word, I am overheated; physically and mentally. There's a certain mind set that I have to reach and I'm struggling with it. It's time to get serious, Oliver. Put the game face on, because in just a few hours people will be flooding through the doors to see the break-out star from America's Top Talent.

"Olive-"

I hear three quarters of my name, then bam! I receive a quick slam to the back of my head and body by hardest metal object. A burst pain jolts through me as topple face first onto the pavement. Luckily, there are no rocks or chipped cement that I could get cut on around me. All this happens within a matter of a second. Everything is a blur for that time period as well. I am not out of conscious, just stunned and having a slow reaction. I am not thinking straight, remember?

"Oh...there you are!"

I wince and slowly turn my head at the sound of someone speaking. Not being able to turn all the way around doesn't prohibit me for seeing the village idiot Steven standing just inside the doorway.

"Uh...sorry?" He forms an innocent smile. I glare crossly at him.

"What do you want!?"

"Kyle sent me to find you." Steven begins. "They need you inside to go over some last minute details."

"Who's "they"?" I grunt, cautiously starting to work my way into a push up position so that I may lift body off the ground easier.

"I don't know. Some dudes who work here, or own the place or...something. Don't shoot the messenger, man!"

"What is everyone else doing that they can tend to this?" I spit out in a sour tone as I dust off and straighten my clothes.

"Moving stuff." Steven gives a simple answer. "Why were you sitting out here, anyway?"

"I just needed some me time." I tell Steven all that I wish to provide. He doesn't need to know my personal business, and I certainly don't want to feed anymore fuel to the fire about missing my girlfriend.

"Whatever, man." Steve shrugs and holds open the back door. "But seriously, you're needed by someone for something somewhere."

The message is just vague enough to allow me to form actual concern. Grumbling under my breath, I push Steven out of the way as I head through the door to handle issues that apparently only I can solve. I can't make my worries about tonight vanish completely, but I do mange to out them on the back burner. Business first.

***

Tonight's show goes surprisingly well. It is far from perfection, but we seem to avoid a total disaster. The crowd is energized and doesn't want the night to end. To them, it is an unforgettable memory. For me, it's just another long night's work. The special and exciting factors have faded. Though still considered a rookie, this drone-like routine feels like second nature. Now I know that this so-called "lavish and glamorous life" of a rock star isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

We leave the stage to chants and screams. Some of the guys tend to soak up all the attention, but I don't do that anymore. My "ATT" days and attitude are a thing of the past. Acting this way only causes trouble. Plus, unlike most people my age, I know exactly what I want to do in life and how I want things to be. I am not going to make a stupid mistake and screw up everything I have going for me.

Just beyond the curtain backstage, I wait to regroup with my band. I expect a high five or some form of amped up congratulations. Everyone acts differently. Different must be the theme of the night, because I see Josh and Steven nod to each other and take off in the opposite direction. I raise an eyebrow in suspicion. It isn't a major concern to me, until Jimmy zooms passed me in a blur. What's his hurry that he can't even say one word?

Kyle finally approaches in a normal manner. He smiles and me and pats my shoulder.

"Great job tonight, Oliver."

"Thanks, man. You, too." I spot a few extra water bottles that we normally keep off stage on top on empty amp cases and toss one to guitarist. "Hey what's the deal with the rest of guys? They all just took off."

"I don't know..." Kyle replies.

"We always end up here after a gig. It's our routine or something." I twist off white plastic cap of my water bottle and have a sip. "I mean, I guess I could understand Steven skipping out, simply because he forgot or something. Josh is such a follower, but Jimmy? He's always running around back here and the first to tell everyone what they killed and what they bombed. Tonight he just bolted by me so fast that the wind nearly knocked me over."

"You, uh...You know my brother..."

I sense tension rising and I am not sure why. The nervous look on Kyle's face makes me uneasy. He quickly cracks open his water and takes a long drink as if he is trying to prevent himself from saying something he will regret.

"Yeah, I do." I answer. "Which is why I'm asking you. What's going on?"

Before I can get an explanation from the only semi-trust worthy person on tour with me, a hand flies out from nowhere and latches on to Kyle's shoulder. He is pulled backwards and yanked away unexpectedly. Water splashes out from the bottle and lands in a tiny puddle just in front of where I am standing. I don't think perusing this mystery is a good idea. Chances are I don't really want to know what is going on, anyway. Right now I am hot, sweaty, and in need of rest, so I let Kyle's awkward exit fade and head off back to my dressing room.

As I stand in the by the sink removing my skinny neck tie, I look into the rectangular mirror and receive a lustful daydream. A vision of Lilly appears as a reflection. Her arms circle me from behind as she leans in close. Her hands cover mine and mimic my actions. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up as she ever so slowly loosens the fabric around my neck, whispering praises and phrases that I do not wish to share with anyone. My palms start to get sweaty and my knees become weak. It feels all too real. Lilly seems to be right here with me. I want to spin around and pin against tiny bathroom wall and show her how a true man in this field gives affection...

Then there is a loud slamming of the heavy stage door; sweet and seductive imagery gone. My blue cell phone rattles on the sink's counter from the aftermath, jolting me back to harsh reality. I stare down at it, realizing that this is my only friend. Lilly's presence exists solely through what this device can provide. Everything else is just a terrible mind trick. How can I be so cruel to myself? I never have the ability to understand irony.

I no longer want to mope and dilly-dally with the changing clothes. A quick swap of outfits is made. (I really need out of those tight jeans after that little innocent I just had.) The faster I am done, the faster I can leave. All I want to do is climb right back in the van and text my love until we fall asleep on each other figuratively. Remembering the scuttle from earlier, I decide to grab a hoodie just incase I am left dragging all of the gear outside and repacking it solo. (No one can be nice and give me a reprieve from this tiresome chore.) The black and red one I received from my brief stint as an intern at K-Teen radio is within arms reach.

My head pops out of the pull over hoodie to the sound several footsteps out in the common area. They are not the typical squeak of sneakers like the guys wear. The sound is almost like a click on the tiled floor. As I adjust my clothes, I believe to hear whispering and maybe even a giggle or two. Every time I stop moving and attempt to listen, the air falls silent. Now I am beginning to get paranoid. With all that has been said and done today, how can I not be? I need to get to the bottom this, whether I regret it later or not.

Making sure to scoop up my phone first, I turn the knob and skeptically stick my head outside the dressing room door. Directly into the lion's den I go...

"Guys, what the heck are y-"

An ear-piercing thunder of high-itched squeals. A blinding glow of rapid, possibly seizure-causing flashes of a bright white light. The vas array of colorful-nailed fingers of hands desperate desiring to tear off my clothes and come in contact with my bare skin. There is a massive gathering of teeny bopper bandits ready to rip me a part limb from limb for their own personal satisfaction. Fangirls; who let them back here?

These tweens and teens are clad in my merchandise and home made shirts. Some of the designs are actually kind of clever. Kudos. Like the fan-atics they are, girls are armed with catchy signs, fancy cell phone/ digital cameras, and eight by ten glossy photos of me, which they wave around as a signal to obtain my attention. They are truly a wild breed of humans that I will never have the ability to fully understand. It's such a petty lifestyle.

"Um...hey everybody..."

I don't know what to say to this group that catches me off guard. My face reddens a bit as I force a smile and innocent laugh. That only causes more swooning and screaming. "Did you, uh, did you enjoy the show?"

Asking these girls anything is a dumb idea. All they do is lunge at me, crying out requests for autographs, pictures, and for all my layers to be shed. Blunt compliments buzz about amongst the herd: "Oliver, you're so hot!" "You have the greatest voice!" "Oh my god, I love you!" I can give thanks all I want, but they need to listen to my side of the story.

I get that I'm attractive to them. I understand that a handful look up to me. It's not that I ungrateful, because I sincerely am. Fans are important to a performer, however they are not the most important part of my life. Right now, these crazies are getting in the way of what means the most; of who means the most. They must be let off, but easy. These girls are very fragile. Everything is fine this minute, but break their little hearts somehow, and they'll tare off and spread such a tidal-wave of bad energy that could ultimate end my career. Be careful, Oliver.

"Ok, listen up, guys. I really don't have much time, but I'll sign a couple things and take a few pictures. In order for me to do that, though, you all are going to have to back up and give me a little space, k?"

My command snaps in their brains and they react like obedient puppy dogs. I didn't think I had so much power. With my hands still on the knob, I pull the door towards me. It isn't shut, but it is closed just enough to buy me some privacy. I let out a deep breath and look at myself in the mirror. Am I ready for this challenge? Lilly is waiting to hear from me, but I can't be jerk to these kids. I can't break a promise to my girlfriend either. Allocating time gets old, but I know what I must do.

"Alright." I announce, leaving the safety of the confines of the dressing room to those drooling creatures that seem temporally civilized. "Who's first?"

After signing my name so many times that calluses form, and looking at the flash of what seems like a hundred cameras for so long that I see pastel spots, I am through with my good deed of the night. Like mice, the girls scurry off and out the door they never should have came through in the first place. When the last one leaves, I feel a great burst of relief. As if I wasn't warn out from a long concert, I am now drained even more.

I see a shadow of looming in the distance. Please don't let it another wave of attackers. Fortunately, that is not the case, yet the silhouette still belongs to someone I rather not see.

"How come you let 'em all go, Oliver!?" Steven enters the room with a scold. "You know how long it took me to gather them all up!?"

"So you let those overly obsessive girls back here!" My accusation comes with glaring eyes and an impolite point. No doubt he is the culprit.

"Hey, watch you mouth! Besides, I think you meant to say thank you." Steve enters the room and starts prancing over toward me like I owe him something for his gracious act.

"Why would I thank you for almost getting me molested?" I spit out harshly with arms folded at my chest. "Look, I love meeting the fans, but there's a time a place for that, and this wasn't it. You know the rules; they're not allowed back here. Are you that disrespectful to me, the band, and the venue...or are you just that stupid!?"

He holds up his hands begging for mercy as he tries to sell his innocent pitch. "I meant no harm. I was actually doing you a favor."

"Pssh, what favor?"

Steven looks me square in the eye and puts his hand on my shoulder. My eyes follow his action, but return to normal just as he speaks. "You're in for it, tonight with Jimmy's crew. You coulda had one of those girls around with you, and Jimmy would have backed off. He's bringing in the heavy artillery, man. It's gonna be trouble."

"Oh I can handle anything Jimmy throws at me. Don't you worry." I proclaim with total confidence and back out from under Steven's reach. Steve shrugs his shoulder uncertain, but I stick to my word. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go call Lil-"

"Where's 'Smokin' Oken'?!"

Jimmy flings his head around the door fame after his beckoning call. His cheeks flush at the corners of his crooked grin. Eyes with wide pupils dart in every direction until the land on their desired target, which is my blank face.

"Hey you kid!" He slurs a shout. "You seen Ol...Oliver? That's his name...yeah. Smokin Oliver Oken!"

"I'm right here, Jimmy." I reply perturbed.

"I got...I got some friends...here for you!" The drummer speaks in between hiccups.

"Oh man, is he wasted!" Steven makes his obvious statement with a chuckle and checks his watch. "And in such a short time, too. Props to you, Jimster!" He praises to his fellow band mate.

"Seriously, I have friends! They wanna see Oli-Oliver here!"

"Well I don't want to see whoever it is." I explain. "And we need to get you some coffee..."

"Not coffee, girls!" Jimmy looks out the door and motions with his hand. He almost tips over in the process, but somehow has enough sense left in him to hang on to the door frame at the last second.

I watch in a not so pleasant manner as two woman squeeze their way beside the drummer. They are just as I picture "friends" of a late twenties musician to be: trouble-causing airheads, caked in make-up, and only half appropriately dressed. From fluorescent pink hand bags, to flashy gold bobbles, these ladies are decked out in the latest accessories. Where he finds these women and why they choose to be around him on their own free will, I don't know.

"This is Courtney and Vanessa..." Jimmy points to each girls as he says their name, but realizes soon after that he is wrong, and quickly matches the correct girl and name. "I- I mean, Vanessa and Courtney. Court has the color stuff in her hair. Opps, haha." No one can tell if Jimmy is blushing from embarrassment or it is just the alcohol.

The women smile and wave at me as I roll my eyes. "Ok, they've seen me. Now get them out so we can get going."

"They're here for the party!" Jimmy links arms with both women for stability as he enters the room. He only make it about half way before nearly tipping over, forcing the escorts to control him.

"By the looks of it, you've already had one..." I turn to Steven. "Take care of him for me."

"No way, man! This is gold!" Steve plops down on a spare black fold-up chair, excited to watch the uncertain event unfold. "Wish I had some popcorn!"

"I'm gonna-I'm gonna go get something for these lovely ladies to-to drink. I'll-I'll be right back" Jimmy announces his plan of action and basically hands off these "friends" of his to me. They don't seem to be phased one bit by his choppy speech, sloppy balance, or the potent scent of hard liquor that diffuses profusely from his person.

Before he turns around, I feel a stiff pat on my shoulder. "He's a good kid, that Oken boy. Lucky all the ladies love him."

I pull away gagging after an inhaling a breath of booze. "Take Steve with you!"

"But Oliver!" My crazy backup guitarist whines from his seat.

"Go!" I command, point to the exit. "I can't have him falling down stairs and breaking something. Watch out for him."

He doesn't want to listen, but Steven gets up anyway. One band mate helps the other safely navigate through the door and down the hall. Another issue down, who knows how many more do I have to deal with tonight. A big one is staring me in the face. I'm stuck in a room with two considerable older females who look like they should be packaged and put on toy store shelves. How am I ever going to communicate intelligently and rationally with them?

"Jim's quite a character, huh?"

I pose a small talk question to stay on the safe side, but neither Courtney nor Vanessa answers. They stand frozen, yet still smiling at me.

"So, um, how'd you guys meet my drummer?"

I think to bring up a common factor so that maybe I can get a response. My idea fails; I get nothing in return. The lack of change begins to worry me. Now I am nervous and not sure what I'm supposed to do next. For wanting to see me so bad like Jimmy portrayed, they sure aren't acting like it. I buy some time by clearing my throat. As I do so, I glance around the roam, trying to come up with something better to say to pass this awkward moment. I turn to the one with the vibrant colored streaks in her hair, (believed to be Courtney) and stick out my hand for a more formal introduction:

"I'm Oliver..."

Both girls hesitate. The one I offered a handshake to turns to her friend. They nod, and next thing I know, I am forcefully yanked from where I am standing, spun around, and pushed by a set of hands down onto the cold leather couch. The couch? No! Not this piece of furniture! This is mine and Lilly's sacred domain of cuddling, sleeping, and, heated exploration/make out sessions. Sitting or lying on one only makes me wish I had never left. Couch time is our thing, and it feels like I'm betraying Lilly-pop when I would never!

Each girl takes a seat next to me and sooches over too close for comfort. Immediately, I try to weasel my way out of this situation. I no long care to be polite about it either; I push and shove.

"Where do you think you're going, Oliver?" Vanessa grabs my shoulder and presses my back against the back of couch. She tries to play sweet school girl, but I can tell this one has a bad attitude.

"Uh, I um-"

"You weren't thinking about ditchin us, were you?" Courtney chimes in with innocence that I see right through. These two are sly devils.

"Ladies, I'm very busy, so-"

"Jimmy says you're stressed out" Vanessa states softly. "Is that true?"

"R-Right now I'm incredibly." Keeping my eyes fixed straight ahead, I do my best to ignore the awkward pressure when I respond with exactly what want to hear.

"Courtney and I can help you with that..."

Fake-nailed hands begin rubbing my shoulders. I'm starting to nervous sweat and get fidgety. Muscles are a bit tight, but my body refuses to feel any amount of relief from this contact. It knows Lilly's loving, gentle touch. This is a mockery to her greatness.

I swallow hard. "Pl-please stop."

"What? This isn't working? We have other methods..."

I'm not even clear who is taking at the moment, because my vision is blurred. All I know is that I feel tickling underneath my chin on one side and ruffling of my hair on the other.

"I think this one will do the trick..."

One hand from each girl covers my knee caps. Even though my reflexes kick in and I twitch, they still inch their way up my legs teasingly at a snail's pace.

"Smokin' Oken..." Both let one of my nicknames escape in a sigh. They are just a few hand-lengths away from real danger.

My brain knows this isn't Lilly, but why can't I move? Why can I speak? How can I let this happen? There is no pleasure being felt. Just because my heart it racing doesn't mean it is for the right reason. I'm scared! I'm uneasy! I want no part of this! Wake up, Oliver!

-"Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry..."-

Those words along with muffled music and vibration start coming from the inside of my hoodie's pocket. All three of us stare down, motionless. Oh sweet cell phone; my saving grace. I know that ring tone anywhere (even though I didn't set it.) It's Radiohead. Thom Yorke is singing Lilly's plea.

I thrust my hand into the pocket and pull out the ringing phone so fast that the two holding me hostage can't stop me. They don't even have time to blink before it is resting in the palm of my hand, flashing "Lilly-pop" and still blaring "High and Dry". I am saved; my mind is sure of it. Nothing can possibly go wrong now that I have my love connected to me, long distance or not. The butterflies are back, as I answer the call cheerfully and with a smile growing.

"Hey!"

"Hey, baby! Whatcha doing?"

She has to go for the money shot right off the bat. I can't lie. I don't lie, especially not to Lilly. "Just, you know...hanging out..."

"I wish I was 'just, you know, hanging out' with you."

"Ditto!"

I let that slip out a little too enthusiastically. Courtney and Vanessa take notice and stare at me through the corners of their eyes. I don't think they know who I am talking to just yet, and I'd like to keep it that way. Temporarily, I make slight eye contact, and mouth "I gotta take this." To my surprise, neither Vanessa nor Courtney a say word, so I very careful get up and try to prolong mine and Lilly's conversation.

"So what's going on?"

"Well, I just got out of the shower..."

"Oh yeah?"

Our phrase: I let it slip in question form. (Stupid uncontrollable urges!) Though no one here knows that those two words are heavily linked to my girlfriend and I, the tone in my voice is a dead giveaway to the caller's identity. My back is turned to the ladies on the couch, so they don't see my facial expression. I know they heard loud and clear, but I'm too busy processing thoughts in my own world to care.

"Not tonight, Ollie." She giggles.

"What? You don't even know what I was gonna say!"

"Oh yes I do..."

"Actually, I just wanted to know if you still use that industrial-size bottle of apple body wash I bought you along with your shampoo."

"Every night, sweetie."

"I thought I smelled something irresistible." I take a slow inhale through my nose.

"So anyway, I was getting ready to go bed and I realized you haven't called..." Uh oh. I'm back on the chopping block.

"Uh, no...I, uh, I didn't call. I was- I was about to, though. Pretty soon."

"Sorry I beat you to it, Ollie-pop, but I have to get to bed early tonight. School starts tomorrow, remember?"

"Don't let anyone see you in your super hot outfits till I get back." I warn playfully. "I gotta be there to pound guys faces in if they try and pull something."

"That's just it, Oliver. You're not going to be there, and it's senior year! I'm so nervous..."

"It'll be ok."

"We've never started a school year a part like this."

"Take my class ring." I suggest. "That way, I'll be there in spirit."

"Spirit isn't good enough...but I guess it'll do..."

"You won't have to use to for long, trust m-"

"Hey, hey! I got everyone drinks!"

My eyes widen with fear and I spin my head around quickly to the thunderous voice. Jimmy's back; his shout loud enough for Lilly to hear no doubt. What is he going to say when he finds me on the phone with Lilly and ignoring these two tramps on my couch?

Flight wins the "fight or flight" debate in my head, and I duck under behind the arm of the furniture. It's a lame and lousy cop-out, but it's the best my brain can come up with at the moment. At least I have temporary safety.

"Are you still at that party you mentioned earlier?"

"Um...sort of..."

From my barrier, I watch Jimmy come stumbling in, hugging a collection of bottles tightly to his chest so that he wouldn't drop any. It doesn't look like Steven was much help. The only help he gives Jimmy is by drinking a few of those bottles so there would be less to carry. Oh great. Now I have two impaired band mates to babysit.

"Yay! Entertainment's here!" Vanessa exclaims. It seems these women only come alive for certain things, alcohol being one of them. "Toss me one, Jim!"

"Me too! It's been a real drag!" Courtney adds.

"Who's all at this party?"

"Just some of Jimmy's friends." I bring my tone down to a whisper so I won't be exposed.

"I can't hear you."

"It's Jimmy's friends."

"Why are you whispering, honey?"

"Hold on a sec." I peak around the corner to keep a close eye on the master of this evil plan.

"A drag? Not anymore!" Never let a half drunken man throw any object, especially glass bottles. The drummer's aim is completely off, yet the girls already estimated that and make catches accordingly.

"Hey where's, uh, where's Oken?" Steven turns his head in every direction and asks for my whereabouts. "I brought my little buddy back a soda."

"He ditched us in the middle of our surprise!" Courtney whines.

"Yeah! He's been on the phone half the time!"

Vanessa passes the buck and my heart stops. I fumble with the cell phone, almost losing my grip completely. "Uh oh..."

"The phone!?" Jimmy shoves the rest of his load at an unsuspecting Steven. I hear a sharp exhale and a raspy growl of some sort. Normally I wouldn't be frightened of him, because I can take all the smack talk in the world and defend my Lilly. Given the conditions and states of mind of half the people in the room, however, there is no telling what can happen. That is what scares me.

"Ol-iv-er!"

Jimmy's bark sends shock waves. I gulp very loudly into the receiver, giving Lilly the notion to comment. "What was that? Is it Jimmy?"

I am crouched down on my knees with my back now flat against the arm of the couch scared stiff. Do I move? Do I answer? It feels worse just sitting here. Stand up and be a man, Oliver. As long as those twits over there keep their overly-lipstick-applied mouths shut, everything will be ok.

Like magic, I resurface, standing tall. With the receiver tilted slightly away from my ear, I narrow my eyes and give attitude. "What?"

"That better be your mommy on the phone, little boy." He threatens sternly folding his arms across his chest.

I'm not sure what is fueling me, but I seem to have the courage to fight back without much hesitation. "And what if it's not?"

"Hello? Ollie-pop, are you there? Hello!?"

Everyone's eyebrows in the room rise to sound of Lilly's voice, including my own. (Lilly can always be heard miles away when on a cell phone. She talks louder for some reason, especially when she's yelling at me.) Though it comes through with some static, it is clearly recognizable that the voice belongs to my girlfriend. Why does she speak up like this? My cover is blown! Get ready for major trouble to ensue.

"I-I...I'm here, Lilly-pop." I answer in an uneasy stutter.

"And so are we!" Courtney and Vanessa announce proudly in unison.

"Who's 'we'?" Lilly inquires so that the whole room can hear.

"J-Jimmy's friends...I told you that..."

"We may be friends with Jimmy." Courtney gets up form the couch. "But we're not here for him..."

"We have other plans tonight." Vanessa adds, following suit. "Plans that include Smokin Oken."

"What plans? Oliver, what's going on!?" Lilly begins to get annoyed and wants a serious answer.

"I...I don't-"

"Oliver, you been on the phone for like forever! Quit wasting our time!" Courtney whines.

Vanessa struts over to me, clicking her bright, fire-engine red heels on the cold tile. "You don't need that stupid girl anymore, you have us. Real women right in front of you who are more than willing to help you ditch this empty feeling." My eyes shut in fear as I can feel her breath on my cheek now. "And fulfill your every need..."

"Your needs!?"

"Come back to us, Ollie! The couch has been awfully cold and lonely since left..."

"You're on the couch with them!?" Lilly shrieks after hearing the worst possible statement she could. I know it seems like she is being over the top, but no one gets that couch time is one of the thriving factors of mine and Lilly's relationship. It's not that I can't sit there without her, but she doesn't think I'm" just sitting." In her mind, an irrational fear is coming true.

"I'm not, Lilly-pop! I'm-I'm not even sitting! I'm-" Vanessa gives my back a hard push and I fall straight on to the furniture in a thud.

"What's that, Oliver? You want us sit on your lap?" The seductive question does the most damage, as both Courtney and Vanessa start inches closer and closer. When they reach the couch, the unpleasant sound of rubbing leather material is so obnoxious that it causes Lilly to scream my name louder than I have ever heard. Believe me; I've heard it plenty of times, but never with such horror and disgust.

"Oliver!"

"Lilly, I swear nothing is-"

My plea is cut off when Vanessa comes in from my blindside, and quickly snatches the phone out of my hand. She ends up scratching me with her long nails in the process, probably on purpose. Lilly never wears acrylic ones, so this mark burns differently. When I hiss and pull away, Vanessa lets my cell phone casually drop straight to the hard floor. I wince as it impacts tile, landing face-up with a great smack. (Please don't be broken!) As I make a desperate move to steal the phone back, Courtney joins in the fun of physically abusing my cellular device and kicks the thing with front of foot. It skids smoothly across the floor on the path to destination unknown. Friction doesn't cause the device to stop; it bumps into a pair of beat-up black Vans that are on the feet of the devil himself. Gears grind in his twisted, corrupt mind.

"You're a lot this thing, Oken..." Jimmy smile smug as he reaches down to pick up my phone. His back straightens and he locks his swampy, green eyes on me. "You take quite a beating, but always come out smelling like roses...or should I say "Lilies"."

"Give me the phone, Jimmy!" I command. These ladies are still trying to distract me by playing with my hair, but my dagger eyes are piercing right through Jimmy's pupils. I don't want to be touched, but it is not mind or body's first priority. That cell phone needs to be back in my possession.

My drummer glances at screen. "And she's still on the line..."

"Don't you dare!" I yell from my seat. Fists form and clench tightly. "I mean it, Jim!"

"What? Just wanna say hi." Ignoring my warning, he puts the phone up to his ear. "Oh if you could only see your beloved Ollie-pop now..." He sneers.

"Lilly, don't listen to him!" I try to escape, but hands quickly fly form my hair to try to contain me in my state of ever-growing rage.

"Shut up, salad bowl head! You're making this harder that it needs to be!" Vanessa scolds.

"Looks like Oliver's a little busy right now." Jimmy tells Lilly in his faking innocence manner, but never looks away the scene on the couch. "He's got two older women hanging on him."

"Sit still!" Courtney yells at me for fighting. "We're here to make you relax, remember?"

"He's got everything he needs..."

The tiny, red-hot flame that rapidly generates inside me explodes at the very instant those words leave Jimmy's mouth. Not caring if I hurt myself or anyone else in the room for that matter, I literally shove Vanessa and Courtney off to opposite ends of the couch and charge straight at Jimmy like an enraged bull. I want to bust right through that jerk, wipe that cheeky smile off the dirty-faced man, and break every single bone is his body in the process. He is well deserving of each ounce of pain I intend to inflict.

I am running on pure emotion. The man I am up against has impaired cognitive reasoning, too, yet manages to outsmart me. Just as I get within arms reach, ready to plant a mighty jab, Jimmy acts like my cell phone is a ticking time bomb in his hands and lobs it over at Steven, who makes an easy catch. By the time I make contact, Jimmy spins me around and holds my arms firm behind my back like I'm being arrested. My shoulder blades are under enormous pressure as I squirm restlessly.

"Squirm all you want. You're just gonna wear yourself out." Jimmy informs me coldly. He is not the matter or the main focus anymore; the holder of my phone and the fragile state of my girl on the line are. My relationship's fate is in the hands of stupid Steve? I have to do something to disprove this unthinkable lie.

"Steven, please!" I cry out in a desperate tone. "Tell her it's not true! Tell Lilly everything's fine!"

The back up guitar player stands still, unsure of his next move. He glances down at blue phone in his hands that's wasting away minutes and battery life. Every second counts. His eyes then meet my distraught look. I'm red-faced, breathing heavily, and appear to be a psychotic mess. He shoots a confused one in return. I hope what he sees gets Steven to choose his words carefully and side with me.

A century seems to go by before Steve raises my cell phone to his ear with a shaky hand. Both Jimmy and I are doing our best to persuade him without verbalizing. Facial expressions send conflicting information. I watch with anxious anticipation when Steven opens his mouth.

"Lilly, it's Steve. Oliver's being taken advantage of. Jimmy brought these ladies in and they're the ones who caused all this trouble."

"What!?" Jimmy is outraged with his fellow band mate, yet takes it out on me by pulling back on my arms so hard that my shoulders make audible pops.

"I tried to warn Oliver that this could happen, but he didn't listen to me. They threw him on that couch, and now everything's a real mess."

"Who's side are you on!?" The drummer plays the loyalty card in a threatening way.

Steven throws a pause almost as if it is planned and goes in for the kill.

But who's back does he stab?

"But, seriously, Lilly... you gotta back off. You're all the poor guy thinks about, and it's ruining him and the shows. When we try to show him a little fun, he acts like a stick-in-the-mud because he's worried about what you're gonna think. Let the boy mingle with fans! Let him meet new people! Oliver hasn't cheated on you on this tour...but he has every option open to him."

Though my back is facing him, I can tell Jimmy is thrilled with Steven's speech. I channel my horrified feelings into added strength, and kick Jimmy's shin with the heal of my shoe. He yelps and releases his grip. I am free, but don't take off like last time. The game of hot potato finally ends as the phone ends up back in my possession. Steven simply tosses it back after he inflicts his damage. The pile of problems I have are deep and now reach up to my eyeballs. Is it possible to dig myself out of this one? Are things irreversible?

"I love you..." I breathe out shaky in a low voice into the receiver. It is all I can say. That is what I want her to know; that's what she needs to hear.

"It sounds like you're pretty busy, Oliver...I'll just talk to you later. Night..." I can't make out exactly how she feels. Her voice hides every clue.

"Goodni-" A bright light flashes with her name. The call ends and on such a sour note. "Goodnight, Lilly..."

I finish my words, shut off the phone, and just stand there cradling the device in the palm of my hand. Which emotion am I feeling more of at this time, sadness or anger. Do I want to cry, or do I want to scream? My brain doesn't know. It can't decide on which is better. Both swirl into a deadly concoction. Lilly is gone for the night, but these heartless souls are right in front of me. No one is getting off easy.

"Well I hope you're happy, Jim." I say, turning to him. "I also hope you enjoy breathing, because that's gonna be quite a chore when I'm through with you."

"You're all talk, punk."

"And you!" I ignore any lengthy discussion with Jimmy and turn my attention to the less inebriated man. "You tell my girlfriend I'm not cheating on her, but that I have every right to just because it annoys you guys when I miss her!?"

"You said to tell her the truth and I did." Steven explains. That's how everyone here sees it."

"Well that's just great..." I roughly jam the phone into the first pocket accessible, and then begin my break down rant. It is complete with flailing arms, the near pulling out of my hair, and bitter sarcasm. "That's just awesome! No one cares that I'm seventeen years and new to this! None of these factors matter. Instead of taking the time out to get to know my situation, you just take the easy route and belittle Lilly and I! I really feel the brotherly love and bond with you guys. I can tell were going to be friends forever!"

"Um, excuse me..." Everyone's head flies to the doorway where an employee of the club is look in at us. "Your vehicle has been packed and ready to go for the past fifteen minutes."

"You kicking us out?" Jimmy asks with blood-shot eyes.

"It's late, sir, and all of us working her need to go home."

"We'll be out in a few." I reassure the man. He nods and leaves.

"Boy time sure flies when you're having fun, huh girls?" Jimmy asks Vanessa and Courtney who are practically half asleep from pure boredom.

"What watse this was!" Vanessa gets up feeling disgusted and wants to make a quick exit.

"The drink wasn't even worth it!" Courtney reports and does the same.

"It was just one night!" Jimmy whines, but neither of them want to hear any excuse. They leave the room snoody and in a huff.

"Give me your keys, Jimmy." I stick my hand out and command.

"Yeah right!"

"There's no way I'm letting you get behind the wheel tonight." I reply forcefully, "Now hand 'em over!"

"Never!" He shouts like a stubborn child. It's cool, it's not funny, it's embarrassing for a grown man to act this way.

"Kyle's got the spare." Steven chimes in all of the sudden. "I gave it to him this morning."

"Then Kyle's driving and I'm shot gun." I announce, flipping the hood of my hoodie up over my head.

"Fine by me." Steven hobbles past me and out the door without any arguments. He thinks he can suck up to me now, but it's way too late for that. It's way too late for anything.

"Whatever..." Jimmy mumbles. He bumps my shoulder as he makes a turn for the door. I take offence to this slight contact (be it accidently or not), and grab a fistful of his shirt, yanking him down to eye level.

"You better watch your back, man. Don't think I'm going to let you sleep this off and wake up tomorrow like nothing happened. If you so much as look at me the wrong way for the rest of this tour, so help me, I will pound your microscopic brains out, you hear me!?

"I hear you..."

"Good."

I let go of his shirt and point in the direction that we both need to travel. To be on the safe side, Jimmy doesn't even look at me. His back turns and I let him leave the room first. Of course since he has one too many in his system, it's actually sort of amusing to watch him stumble. At this point, I couldn't care less if he falls and breaks a bone. The tour would stop, because it's very hard to find a decent replacement drummer in such a short notice. No tour means no stress. I would be at home.

Or is there stress back in Malibu, too? I wish I knew just what my Lilly-pop is thinking. Since I can't bother her this late on a school night, I try to let the worries fade, but it's hard to stay positive when I'm surrounded by people who have such ill misconceptions of the meaning of true love. Tomorrow is an extremely busy day. Hopefully one of us has the right mind to set things straight.

---

After flashing back to yesterday travesty of events following the show, I take a short, conspicuous look over at my drummer. All of his limbs are attached and he doesn't have a single bump or bruise. He is still fully function...but darn well shouldn't be. Just thinking about the stunt makes me want to chuck this keyboard at him, not caring that the damage it could cause would cost more than the car that is sitting vacant at house does. I don't let rational thoughts in anymore. They are barred from my brain to make room for what really matters.

But as I come upon the next set of lyrics in this song, things make a switch. Instead of remaining furious, I am now suddenly right back to being lonely and paranoid. Our conversations since that innocent have not been strong. Uncertainty lies deep within me. Lilly isn't one to bring stressful subjects up unless it's absolutely necessary. Though we have spoken (or more or less bickered) today, we have not mentioned this particular matter at all. The possibility that she doesn't believe me now weighs heavy on my heart.

"So if you dare to second guess, you can rest assured that all my love's for you."

Don't stop to think for one second that I would cheat, Lilly! I have no reason or desire to be unfaithful! A million girls can throw themselves at me, but they all fall miles short. No one's smiles brighten my day like hers does. No one's eyes feed my soul like hers do. There is no greater sensation than the touching of our lips, and no sweeter sound than her laugh. Steven quotes the line to make fun of me, but my girlfriend really is more beautiful than the flower which shares her name. Lilly is a precious treasure, and I thank God every single day for opening my eyes to that.

But how could I leave my sparkle behind for six pain-staking months? Stupidity. Ignorance. Is that something I can apologize for...and be forgiven?

"My beating heart belongs to you.
I walked for miles til I found you.
I'm here to honor you."

I can't shake the "what ifs", I can't wash away my worries. Not knowing is a terrible cross that I bare for everyone in attendance to see. My insecurities stick out like a sore thumb. It doesn't have to be that way, but for now, singing is all I can do.

"If I lose everything in the fire,
I'm sending all my love to you..."

---

Now do see why it took so long get an update? I guess I write too much for fanfic, but not well enough to write a book. I know your eyes probably burn (or maybe you skimmed through it all), but I would really appreciate it if you left any thoughts and comments in a review. I spent many sleepless nights at my computer desk working, so please take another few seconds out of your time and let me know how I did.

The 6th and final chapter is in progress and is my first priority to finish.

-Marissa