Perspective Chapter 4, a law and order: ci fanfic

A/N: Same as last chapter - both POV's cover roughly the same time period, so when it switches to Bobby, it starts over again. Are you sensing a pattern here?

Alex POV

"I'm not sure where to start," I admitted.

I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.

I kissed Bobby.

And now we were talking as though nothing had happened.

But it did happen, and I knew I'd be replaying the event in my head on a regular basis.

"Start at the beginning," he replied easily.

And then he did something that caught me completely off guard. He held out his arm, offering for me to slip under it and lean against him.

"Maybe it'll be easier for you to talk if I'm not staring at you," he said with a small smile.

He looked unsure and I couldn't decide if he was unsure about wanting me to sit so close, or if he was unsure as to whether or not I'd accept.

I hoped it was the latter.

I scooted right up next to him, pressing my thigh tightly against his, and he set him arm gently across my shoulders.

"Better?" he asked in a low voice. So much better, I thought. I could just sit here like this all night. His fingers were brushing against the bare skin of my upper arms…

"So when did you meet him?" Huh? Oh yeah. Joe.

"Um…I was in my senior year of college. He'd just graduated the year before and was about to go into the academy."

"Ah, so you like older men," he commented lightly. I loved that he was trying to make this easier on me.

"I was um…actually I was dating a friend of his. My boyfriend at the time told me about Joe, said that he couldn't get a date to this concert and he asked if I could bring one of my friends so that we could double-date."

"And you ditched your boyfriend to go off with Joe?" he asked in surprise. I had to smile. No matter how things had ended, that was a good memory.

"Yeah," I laughed. "We went to this bar after the concert, and I stepped outside to…um…to uh…"

"You smoked, didn't you?"

"I was in a rebellious phase," I admitted.

"Alex…I don't even know what to say to that. Except that you'd better not give me a hard time the next time I backslide."

"I don't still smoke," I insisted. "And it was a short-lived phase. I think it lasted about a month."

"Still…"

"Anyway," I said, still smiling from his teasing.

I loved that it was so easy to talk to him.

And he was listening.

"Joe came outside with me, and then we just never went back in."

"You left the others inside without saying anything?"

"Yeah. I know," I said. "We got engaged pretty quickly. Within a month. But we waited until after I got out of the academy before we actually got married."

"You knew in a month that you wanted to marry him?"

"I was twenty-two," I replied with a shrug. "My sister was already engaged. My older brother was married with a baby on the way. I just thought that was the natural progression. Here was this nice guy who was a lot of fun…and he was a cop. So when he asked, I said yes."

I thought back to that night he proposed. What would've happened if I'd said no? How much different would my life be right now? It was impossible to know. And I couldn't say that I regretted the entire marriage. It hadn't been all bad. In fact, it had been pretty comfortable up until the last year.

Bobby was quiet, patiently waiting for me to continue my story. But I quit thinking about Joe for a minute so that I could enjoy the moment.

The living room was dimly lit. I was snuggled securely against Bobby's side where I could once again smell his stimulating scent, and his fingers were still gently stroking my arm. I could feel his breath across the top of my head. He must be leaning in pretty close. That thought sent a wave of pleasure through me.

And yet at the same time, I was fairly certain that he was just playing the role of a good friend. I found it hard to believe that he harbored any feelings for me.

I'd seen his type and I wasn't it.

Not to mention the fact that he'd never outwardly shown any signs of interest.

And why was I suddenly so obsessed with this tonight? I mean, I've felt this way about him for quite some time. I was used to the feelings and I was used to keeping them tucked away. Why were they fighting so hard to come out of the box tonight?

"Alex," he whispered as though he was afraid I'd gone to sleep.

"Sorry. I'm awake," I told him. "I was just…thinking."

"Take your time," he said. "I know this is hard for you."

And of course he would assume that I was thinking about Joe, when I'd actually been thinking about him.

I really needed to clear the air.

But then what would that do to us? Once he knew the truth about Joe, what would he think of me?

You are one cold bitch, you know that Alex?

Joe's last words to me.

Were they true? Was I a cold bitch?

I had been secretly taking birth control pills when I knew he wanted a family. What did that say about me?

I'm not sure, but for some reason, it was suddenly extremely important for me to get Bobby's opinion on the matter.

"I was taking birth control pills," I blurted out.

"In college?" he asked, obviously confused about my confession.

"Well, before then, but yes. In college. And after."

"While you were married."

"Right."

"And…he wanted you to stop?" he guessed.

"He thought I had stopped," I corrected. And then I held my breath. I tuned into every part of his body that was touching mine to feel for any changes. Was he disappointed in me?

"You weren't ready to have kids," he stated simply. "That's understandable. You were just getting started with the department."

"Bobby, I kept taking them without telling him," I clarified.

I felt him hold his breath in for a moment and then he let it out slowly. Here it comes.

"Did you try to tell him you weren't ready?"

"He just kept saying how great it would be to have three or four kids, and I could stay at home with them, or maybe work part-time somewhere…"

"He didn't understand how important your career was to you."

"No."

"So he didn't listen to you," he said sadly. Of course Bobby would get it.

"He rarely did," I agreed.

"Is that what the fight was about? That last night?"

"Partly. That's what started it that night, anyway. He found the pills. And I was already upset with him, too because he was…um…he was…seeing someone. On the side. He was um…having a um….an affair."

"Alex," he said softly, pulling me even closer to him. "I'm so sorry."

I slid my hand across his chest, holding it over his heart. I could feel the steady beats and I focused on them for a minute as I geared up to finish my story.

"He yelled at me, said I'd been lying to him. That set me off because I knew that he'd been lying to me for quite awhile. Things were said, things that neither of us got the chance to take back."

"Were you guys fighting a lot?"

"Just for the last year. I think…I was never sure, but I think that maybe he was…you know he was working Narcotics, right?"

"You think he was into drugs?"

"I never found any. And he didn't have any in his system when he was killed. But he changed. That last year, things were different. He was different. That was when the affairs started, and he would go off on me for no reason. That was when I stopped being happy."

"Go off on you. Did he ever hit you?"

"No, nothing like that. He just liked to yell, and twist things so that they were always my fault."

I hesitated, noticing that his heart was beating faster. What was he thinking?

"You were afraid we would find something when the investigation was re-opened. You thought maybe he was dirty?"

"No. I don't think so anyway. I was afraid it would come out that he shouldn't have been there that night. And then you would ask me about it, and I'd have to tell you. I didn't want you to know that I drove him to it."

"It was his choice to go," he replied quietly. "You're not responsible for his choices. If he had stayed home to talk to you instead of leaving…"

"He called me a cold bitch. I told him to get the hell out."

That was us in a nutshell.

And it was sad that the final year overshadowed the first four good ones.

"A cop getting killed like that…it got a lot of attention," I continued. "He was idealized and suddenly everyone talked about us like we had this storybook marriage. I let everyone believe it because I didn't want to smear his image. We did have a good marriage for awhile. And then we didn't, but I didn't think that was anyone's business, so I never said anything."

"There's nothing wrong with that. You respected his memory. You know that what he'd turned into wasn't really him. And you also know that you're not at fault for what happened to him after he walked out the door."

"Yeah. Maybe. But see, that night…I made a call," I admitted.

"A call?"

"That's been my dirty little secret. I called a lawyer as soon as he left. I was going to divorce him."

Bobby POV

We were finally going to get to the crux of the issue.

I wasn't sure I was ready. My lips were still tingling from the feel of her mouth on mine and I wanted to relish that for a while longer.

But I'd also been curious about Joe for a long time. I wanted to know. And yet I dreaded knowing.

Because if she told me that she'd never again love any man the way she loved Joe…well, I'm not sure if I'd recover from that.

And although I knew that I may never have the nerve to actually admit my feelings, at least right now I could still delude myself with the notion that I might have a shot with her.

But if she said something like that…something that suggested she'd given up the hope of finding someone as good as he was…well, not only would that be devastating to me, but also very sad for her.

She was still young. And she was an amazing person with so many wonderful qualities.

And I was getting way off track here.

"I'm not sure where to start," she said shakily after we'd been sitting for a few moments in silence.

I watched her as she spoke. She kissed me with those lips, I thought.

I was having trouble wrapping my head around that kiss. Whatever her reason for doing it, it was still something that I never thought would happen.

I wondered what my odds were of having it happen again.

But first things first.

"Start at the beginning," I told her.

She looked hesitant and I realized that maybe I was making her nervous. I had been staring at her fairly intently. Of course, I'd been thinking about the kiss, but she probably didn't know that.

And I didn't want her to feel like she was in an interrogation room. We were supposed to be friends. What would a friend do right now?

I wasn't sure. I didn't really have female friends, but I took a chance and held out my arm, offering for her to slip under it.

"Maybe it'll be easier for you to talk if I'm not staring at you," I said, doing my best to put on a smile to hide my nerves.

We were making progress in leaps and bounds tonight. She'd cried. We'd hugged. We'd been talking.

And now…now she scooted up close to me and I settled my arm down onto her shoulders.

My hand hit bare skin and I almost couldn't breathe. I sure as hell couldn't stop my fingers from exploring the softness of her arm.

"Better?" I asked, immediately embarrassed by the intimate timbre of my voice. I hadn't meant for it to come out like that. Quick, say something!

"So when did you meet him?"

And so then she told me about him.

I was somewhat surprised to hear about her little rebellions, but I loved the image of a wild Eames that I was able to conjure up in my head. I would have loved to have known her then. She probably wouldn't have given me the time of day, but still…

And then she really caught my attention.

"You knew in a month that you wanted to marry him?" I asked. And that was when I knew for sure that I was royally screwed.

I'd been her partner for seven years and we had only just kissed, barely, for the first time tonight.

After only four weeks with Joe, she'd known that she wanted to spend her life with him.

"I was twenty-two," she replied with a shrug. "My sister was already engaged. My older brother was married with a baby on the way. I just thought that was the natural progression. Here was this nice guy who was a lot of fun…and he was a cop. So when he asked, I said yes."

A nice guy who was a lot of fun. And a cop.

I was two out of three. I hadn't quite figured out the fun part of life yet.

Besides, I'd seen pictures of Joe. He looked absolutely nothing like me. So that was her type, and I wasn't it.

I needed to come to terms with the fact that I was never going to have her. Not like I wanted. She was comfortable being my friend, but nothing more.

But that didn't stop me from holding her close. I let my head rest next to hers so that I could smell her shampoo with every breath. She might not love me in the sense that I loved her, but still…I knew she loved me.

I noticed that she leaned more heavily into me and her breathing was steady. I wondered if maybe she'd fallen asleep. That wouldn't be so bad, I thought. I could just hold her like this all night.

Of course, then we'd still have to talk about Joe tomorrow, but that was okay. I'd have tonight.

"Alex," I whispered.

"Sorry. I'm awake," she replied. "I was just…thinking."

"Take your time," I offered. "I know this is hard for you."

And it undoubtedly was. She was remembering everything she'd had with her husband. She had to deal with the fact that their last moments together were spent in an argument. That had to be painful, thinking of all of the things she wished she'd said instead of words of anger.

"I was taking birth control pills," she suddenly said, her voice loud in the quiet room. It was as though she'd had to force herself to say the words.

My mind had wandered so much during the break in our discussion that it took me a moment to get back on track.

"In college?" I asked.

"Well, before then, but yes. In college. And after."

"While you were married," I stated, although it seemed logical to me. Why wouldn't she? She was fresh out of the academy.

"Right."

And then it clicked. I had an idea of where she was going.

"And…he wanted you to stop?"

"He thought I had stopped," she corrected.

"You weren't ready to have kids," I said. "That's understandable. You were just getting started with the department."

"Bobby, I kept taking them without telling him," she insisted as though I should think less of her for this admission.

Did she think I would be upset with her? Did she think I wouldn't understand? Kids were a huge decision and both people involved had to be completely sure about it.

I stayed quiet for a moment and then slowly let out a breath. I was afraid that I might say the wrong thing, but the only thing I could do was be honest.

"Did you try to tell him you weren't ready?"

She told me about Joe's plans for a big family with her being a stay-at-home mom. Why would she have gone through the academy if that was what she wanted? He must not have listened to her at all.

"He rarely did," she agreed when I said that out loud.

I guessed that maybe the birth control pills had caused the fight. I was stunned to learn that Joe had been unfaithful, too.

Not only did I not understand why a man would cheat on any woman, but why would one cheat on Alex? Didn't his commitment mean anything to him?

But I couldn't say that to her. She was hurting, and listening to me rail against the injustices of adulterers wasn't what she needed to hear.

"Alex," I said softly, pulling her even closer to me. "I'm so sorry."

And I was. My heart hurt for her, thinking about what she'd gone through. How painful that must have been to have the man she loved turn to another woman. What kind of damage had that done to her self-esteem? Even someone as confident and secure as Alex must have suffered from such a betrayal.

My thoughts disintegrated when she slid her hand across my chest and held it over my heart. I gave an internal sigh.

What I wouldn't give for this to be my life.

"He yelled at me, said I'd been lying to him. That set me off because I knew that he'd been lying to me for quite awhile. Things were said, things that neither of us got the chance to take back."

"Were you guys fighting a lot?" I asked, although I couldn't help but be upset by the thought of him yelling at her. And yeah, I know, married people fight. That didn't make the visual easier to take.

"Just for the last year. I think…I was never sure, but I think that maybe he was…you know he was working Narcotics, right?"

Narcotics. I knew a little bit about that.

Frighteningly high percentages of Narcotics officers became involved in drugs. It was just a fact.

I attributed my ability to abstain to my own brother's addiction.

"You think he was into drugs?" I asked carefully.

Things went fuzzy after she said go off on me. I know I shouldn't think ill of the dead, but…if I found out he had ever laid a hand on her…

But I had to stay calm. She was talking freely and I didn't want my emotions to change that.

"Go off on you," I repeated carefully. "Did he ever hit you?"

She said that he hadn't and I believed her, but just the idea had my heart racing. It wasn't like I could do anything about it now, even if she'd said yes, but…not much infuriated me more than a wife-beater.

I forced myself to settle down. There was a point to this conversation, and we were getting to the heart of it. She had been reluctant for me to look into Joe's case. And he had been doing drugs. That opened up another possibility.

"You were afraid we would find something when the investigation was re-opened. You thought maybe he was dirty?" I asked her, hoping she would say no.

And really, I didn't think that was the case because I found it hard to believe that Alex would be party to a dirty cop cover-up.

If Joe had been dirty, she would've arrested him herself.

So her answer of no wasn't a surprise. Although her reason for being upset about the investigation was. She didn't want me to know? Because she thought I'd blame her?

"It was his choice to go," I replied quietly. "You're not responsible for his choices. If he had stayed home to talk to you instead of leaving…"

"He called me a cold bitch. I told him to get the hell out." A cold bitch? That told me that Joe didn't know her at all. He was lucky all she'd done was tell him to get out. She might've just as easily put his balls in a vice.

She told me about the perception of the department, and something began to slowly dawn on me. She didn't correct them about thinking it was a storybook marriage…it was good for awhile and then it wasn't…maybe I did have a misconception about Joe.

But I'd come back to that. I couldn't have her feeling bad for perpetuating the illusion created after his death.

She nodded, and I thought that maybe, just maybe she believed me. Maybe she was starting to realize that it wasn't her fault. And while I was rejoicing in that progress, she mentioned making a call.

"That's been my dirty little secret. I called a lawyer as soon as he left. I was going to divorce him."

I noticed that she didn't breathe after she said it. I know this because I didn't either.

She had been planning to divorce him?

So even if he hadn't been killed, then she wouldn't be with him now?

He wasn't the man by whom all future men would be measured?

And then I realized that although neither of us was breathing, we each had different reasons.

Me…I was in shock. I was – slightly and probably inappropriately – elated.

But she…somehow I knew that she was waiting to see if I was disappointed in her. I don't know why my opinion mattered, but it did.

How best to let her know? Would simple, reassuring words do it?

And then I had a better idea.

"I have a dirty secret of my own," I told her, finding the courage in me somewhere to lean down closer and kiss the top of her head.

If she was going to bare her soul, then so was I.

"You do?" she asked unsteadily.

I kissed her head a second time just because I could. And then I told her.

"It's possible that Mark Ford Brady is my father."

TBC...