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"Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly,
Afraid to loose control.
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you,
And every second I waste is more than I can take.
I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there."

—Lincoln Park

Lost Control
By SpacePirateGirl

Chapter Five

"You totally ditched me, forehead-girl," Ino accused the minute I entered my math classroom. It was a Friday. I liked Fridays—but this Friday seemed a little awkward. The rumor of how I had become Sasuke's girlfriend had finally spread to everyone, but now it was no longer true.

And Ino was mad for goodness knows what. "Ditched you when?"

"I had everything ready! Everything!" she exclaimed. "I figured out which color looked best on you, which eye shadow you should wear, good shoes, and I even estimated how much it would all cost! Then Sasuke comes up and says you won't be coming. Why are you such a ditz?"

I ran a hand through pink hair. "What are you talking about?"

Ino rolled her eyes. "Jee, clueless, do I have to explain everything? I was going shopping on Wednesday, and Sasuke wanted me to take you, too. Hello."

"Oh." I bit my lip in thought. "Um, Sasuke and I aren't really together anymore. It fell apart." I would have told her everything—that Sasuke had trapped me into becoming his girlfriend, that Sasuke had forced me to choose to go shopping, that Sasuke had . . . Well, that I had broken the deal. But he deserved a reputation, and a better one than what I could make it.

Ino's jaw had dropped open. "Really? You're not together?"

I nodded.

"Really?"

"Yes, now can I get to my seat?" The bell would ring soon, and even though Kakashi arrived five minutes late on the spot, I still liked to look over the lesson and understand it a little before it was taught.

Ino smiled. "So Sasuke's open again?"

"Uh, yeah, of course," I answered, looking around the room to make sure Sasuke wasn't close enough to hear. I gasped when I realized he wasn't even in the classroom. "Hey, can you do me a favor, Ino?"

She eyed me suspiciously. "After what you did?"

"Think of it as payment for me dumping Sasuke," I suggested. "Just a tiny, tiny favor."

She sighed. "What is it?"

"Tell Kakashi I felt sick and that I'm sorry when he comes in. Tell him I just went to the bathroom is all."

Ino nodded. "Right."

Then I raced out of the classroom and rushed down the halls to find Sasuke. I had seen him in P.E. He had been doing okay, or so it had seemed. He still wasn't over what had happened on Wednesday. I could still see a very stressed look in his eye, every time he looked at his friends or me—or Tenten.

Luckily the school wasn't too big. There were only a few places he could be. I heard a few voices coming from the one girls' bathroom and entered it curiously. Why would I think Sasuke was in a girls' bathroom? Well, I wasn't really sure why.

But I had been right. Tenten and Sasuke were both in there, Tenten with her head under the sink, and Sasuke watching her closely. The water was falling through her greenish hair, and beside Sasuke were two bottles of shampoo and conditioner. Apparently they believed no girls would be going to this particular restroom during class . . . Or Sasuke did, at least.

Tenten knew it was me, even from washing her hair under the water. "What are you doing here?"

I rolled my eyes. No wonder everybody seemed to hate her. But I ignored what she asked with dignity. "Sasuke, math, remember?"

He shrugged. "I hate math. Why aren't you in class?"

"Checking on you."

He sighed and turned away from me. "I'm okay. Just drop it."

"You're not okay. Not on Wednesday anyway."

"It's Friday." Sasuke's eyes flashed warning glares at me. "Two whole days."

I put my hands in the air out of frustration and groaned. "You're the one who called me on Wednesday. What was I supposed to do? Just let you try to starve yourself or whatever you were going to—"

He cut me off swiftly. "Never happened."

I raised my eyebrows in shock. "Hell, it didn't."

"It never happened," he repeated. "Just go back to your perfectly happy life where you never smoked, never drank, never did anything bad but defended yourself from me or my friends."

I didn't want to leave. "Once," I whispered before he could yell at me.

He frowned at me. "Once what?"

"I did something bad once."

"That cigarette at my house didn't count—"

"I know the damn thing doesn't count." I drew in a deep breath. I hadn't even told Naruto and Hinata about this—I had lied. I hadn't told my parents about this! Why the hell was I telling Sasuke? Only because I wanted to? "A party, late one night. Ino was drinking and drinking. She was giddy and just . . . perfect. Even though she got dizzy a lot, she looked so happy." I raised the back of my hand to wipe my eyes. "It was back when my family didn't really have a home. I'd have given anything to be happy. And I was curious from seeing my mom not enjoy drinking and not enjoy being happy all the time. I wondered why the hell someone would want to quit."

Sasuke was silent. He didn't speak a word, but I could tell from the intensity on his face that he was listening.

"Ino poured a cup for me," I continued. "She said, 'Stop whining about your life. We all have it bad.'" I shrugged. "It wasn't anything like I had imagined. It wasn't happiness at all; it was a surge of arrogance. It felt as if . . . I had lost control. Like a car without a steering wheel, without a break. Once you start, you just can't stop yourself from—from anything. I never want to live through that again."

Sasuke took in the information in silence for a moment. "It's true that we all have it bad," he finally agreed. "But the smarter ones know when something's good."

I smiled gratefully at him. Suddenly I remembered Tenten, whose existence had faded from my mind, and she still stood there washing out the dye in her hair. My face heated up, and I clasped my hands together. She had heard my entire confession.

The girl lifted her head from the sink and used a towel she had brought to dry her bangs off. "God, it just won't come out," she whined staring closely at the mirror as if the greenness would disappear.

If only there was some way I could help her. "What brand did you use?"

"If I fucking knew that, I wouldn't be in this mess." She chucked the towel on the floor and folded her arms under her head on the counter. Shoulder's shaking, she produced slight sobbing noises that were muffled by her arms.

Sasuke placed a hand on her shoulder, and I gasped at his sudden, unexpected compassion. "Everything will be all right." He patted her on the shoulder.

"No!" she screamed, jumping away from him. "Nothing is ever all right at this damn school!" Her eyes studied me up and down for a moment until she turned back to Sasuke. "Your girlfriend's right. You could have stopped them, and I could have made the basketball team! You're a jerk, Sasuke! That's all you'll ever be! Ever!" She reached on top of the counter for her backpack and barged out the bathroom before either of us could get in a response. I could see her trip over her still injured ankle before quickly getting up and stalking-limping off.

I glanced at Sasuke, and was not really surprised at what I saw. His wild depression had not gone away. His eyes showed the urge to strike at anyone who grew too close or to retreat from people he feared. When his eyes landed on me and glared viciously, I backed up against the wall and tried to stay calm. "She'll come around," I promised. "She'll regret what she said."

He didn't seem to hear a word I said. "Get away from me."

"Get away from yourself." I was sick of him whining and complaining about his life was just so hard. But really, I didn't see how bullying could be any worse than being bullied. He had hurt me a lot in the past. "Take a vacation from being so insensitive and see what it feels like to get squashed like a bug."

He stepped forward instantly and pressed me against the wall. "Remember that deal we made? Well, I'm about to enforce my side of it. On Monday. You and your two sorry friends."

I glared at him. "Back to your normal self, huh? The one always bragging, always bothering me about my natural pink hair. I guess I should be thanking you. I can't keep lying to Hinata and Naruto anymore. They wouldn't understand how I was trying to help you. Was."

He pushed me harder against the wall.

I withheld a grunt. "I'm sorry, Sasuke. I really thought you could change."

"Shut up," he whispered, his voice fierce and demanding. "I've had enough of your insults."

Smiling at him with false politeness, I shrugged. "It's the truth."

Bad mistake.

He kicked me in the shin, and I almost fell when my leg gave out. I couldn't even feel it. I couldn't even move it. I began to scream until he put a hand over my mouth. "I will hurt your friends so bad that they end up in a hospital with tubes sticking out of their mouths. Either agree to my last deal or watch them suffer. Of course, I'll make sure to spare you if you don't agree to my terms. I know how much you love getting through together with your friends."

I struggled under his hand holding my mouth. He moved it away. "Do I have a time-limit?" I asked sarcastically. "Monday morning to decide?"

"No. You decide right now."

I sighed. From the moment he had said what he had said, I really didn't have a choice. "I guess I have to agree, your majesty."

He balled up a fist and threw it into my gut. I coughed out blood in response. Pain lurched through my abdomen as I bit back the tears. My temper would be my permanent grave marker from now on, I thought sarcastically.

"Let's go back to class." Sasuke dragged me out of the bathroom and down the hallway to Hatake Kakashi's classroom.

I already felt the wind of freedom still and elude me. When a ship at sea lost its wind, it was stuck. No air to push it and no way to get back. An impasse.

I had heard stories of a place called the Doldrums, a stretch of sea without wind, without waves, without a push of any kind. And when a ship or a boat got trapped there, it could never set sail again.

I was the sailor at sea.

"Sasuke," I started as I followed him toward the bus.

"Sasuke-kun," he corrected.

I couldn't see his face. Only his back. "I don't have a bus pass."

His shoulders dropped in a heavy sigh, and he turned around. "Here." His hand outstretched to reveal ten dollars. "Just tell them to keep the change."

"Okay." He began walking again, though this time I lingered behind. Hinata had sneaked up behind me without the Uchiha knowing, and I knew her question before she asked it. "Another deal," I whispered to her.

"I thought . . . Well, I . . . You decided not to." Hinata began to twiddle with her fingers as she always did when she was nervous.

"Naruto said we should live through Hell together. Sasuke threatened to hurt only you two. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to stand by and watch as you two become the only victims of his games. I'll live through this myself. Just think of how you would feel if offered a choice to be spared or take all the hurt for your friends." I stared her with my most dedicated stare. "I still hate him," I promised and grinned.

She smiled. "He's about to look at you."

I raced away from Hinata and pretended as if I had dropped the ten dollars by accident.

"Sakura, get over here!" Sasuke yelled.

I ran to his side and got on the bus. Ino had saved a seat for the Uchiha, and he sat down beside her. A chubby kid named Chouji who had at first been sitting in the third spot, got up and moved away, fear of being teased plaguing him. I sat down in the place he had abandoned—next to Sasuke.

Ino stared at me reproachfully and then seemed to shrug with her eyes. "You two are awfully confusing. One minute you're together, and the next you're not."

Smirking, Sasuke settled deeper into his seat. "We'll be sticking together for a while now, so don't panic yet."

She grinned. "Oh, worry, all right. I've been panicking since the moment I first saw her with you." Sasuke chuckled at her statement. "Say," Ino wondered aloud. "You want her to go shopping again?"

"Yes, if you will."

"All right with me! Thank God all my plans didn't go to waste." Her shallow, blue eyes glanced at me. "Do you ever talk anymore, forehea—Sakura?"

"Um, yeah, of course," I mumbled and smiled. Someone who knew me well enough would realize at once that my smile was false. I thanked whatever luck I had that Ino no longer knew me.

"Well, usually you're so loud and obnoxious," Ino continued. "Never stop talking. You seem so quiet today."

Speak for yourself, I wanted to say until Sasuke nudged me. I had to come up with an excuse. "Yeah, like, my pet fish died this morning," I said, attempting a grieving voice. It didn't really work that well. I could see that much from the irritated look on Sasuke's face.

"Whatever." Ino shrugged as if to rid herself of my little white lie. "So is tomorrow all right with you?"

"Huh?"

"Did you go to Mars or something? We have to go shopping again!"

"Oh." Maybe I had taken a small vacation off earth. I felt so confused and so lost. I wanted to get away from Sasuke, but there was this invisible chain linking my hand to his. No escape! Whether from the fear of him hurting my friends of the fear of him hurting myself I wasn't sure.

"Sakura, pay attention."

"Oh, yeah, sure, tomorrow's fine." I wondered how many times she went shopping anyway.

Sasuke chose that moment to change the subject. "Have you heard the rumor?"

Ino leaned forward. "There's a new rumor?"

"Kiba said Tenten's current hair color is natural. He said she gets it dyed brown every other week."

The blonde girl laughed. "No way! Really?"

"He lives with her, so he should know."

"Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting. I mean, they aren't related. They just live together since Kiba's parents adopted her, right? So confusing . . ."

"Not really."

"Speaking of rumors, did you hear about how Hinata used to be a junkie . . ."

I drowned out the words that were filling my head. Everything—the words were all lies. I couldn't stand what I was hearing. Coming out of Sasuke's own mouth was a rumor, obviously a complete lie, that Tenten had such an ugly shade of hair. I knew for a fact it had been dyed. And now that I knew Kiba lived with her, I could guess who the culprit of her sudden hair color was.

And then Hinata! Hinata was not the sort of person who would become addicted to drugs. Yes, she would crumble under peer pressure, and I would never be surprised if she drank a few glasses or breathed in a bit of smoke. But addicted? Not Hinata, and I knew more about her than these two pretended to know. I wanted to punch them both in the face, to tell them how they were sick and gross. I wanted to leave and never come back. But this new deal was important, and I needed to keep it.

The bus suddenly lurched to a stop.

Ino got up and began to leave. "Okay, Sakura, see you at, uh . . ."

"My house," Sasuke finished for her.

"Okay, see you at Sasuke's house tomorrow."

And Saturday had come sooner than expected. In my opinion shopping was extremely boring. I just didn't see the lure that trying on so many different clothes could bring. But I was glad to be away from Sasuke for a while. And, at least, Ino was having a bit of fun dressing me up and choosing exactly what kind of clothes looked best on me.

In the end I bought quite a bunch of clothes, and then grimaced at the cost.

"Don't worry," Ino said as my eyes widened in fright. "Sasuke gave me a credit card to use for you. How nice. You won't even have to spend a dime."

I wondered how I would hide this new "hobby" of mine from my parents.

Ino swiped the credit card through the machine as she bought all the items through a self-checkout. "Sakura, you have to call me every morning, and I'll tell you what to wear, okay?"

I closed my eyes as if I never would have to see the burdens being placed on my shoulders again.

"You must really hate shopping." Ino handed me a few of the bags and grabbed some for herself. Then she led me away, her heels clicking gently on the polished floor.

I followed. "Hey, Ino?"

She glanced over her shoulder at me. "Yeah?"

"Can I still trust you?" I remembered the days when we were inseparable. In fact, we had gone to the same kindergarten together and in a way were childhood friends. Our friendship had lasted until first grade, and then was lost. During high school we had rejoined at the hips until last year when I had met Naruto and Hinata.

She could very well have been my only chance to be free. I needed someone to talk to. I needed a friend in this Hell. Tenten was a Sophomore—completely unstable and "off-limits" according to Sasuke. The rest were just plain jerks. She was the only one who had the potential.

Ino shrugged and walked through the automatic door.

"I know I probably made you mad when I stopped being your friend in first grade, and then again last year. But right now . . . I really need somebody to listen to me."

She stopped walking, but I didn't notice until I was a few yards in front of her. "Sakura . . . why?"

I glanced back at her, eyes widening when I saw tears were falling down her cheeks. Crystal, sparkling tears that one would see on role models who didn't know how to cry. But just from a glance, I knew hers were real.

"Why did you betray me? I wasn't trying to trick you into anything. You could have been the classic nerd, and I could have been the classic cheerleader. Just because we're different doesn't mean we're automatically enemies. But you . . ." Her eyes fixed me with a venomous glare. "You just thought I was one of those outrageous girly-girls, always painting their nails, always walking down the street like they're being filmed, always using people—their friends. I thought we were friends again, like we had been in Kindergarten, but I guess you thought I didn't deserve it."

I studied her and knew at that moment she truly had been my friend last year, and not what I thought she had been. "There's a difference between a popular girl and a friend. I thought you were just a regular popular girl. I was wrong. You can never guess how sorry I am now."

She shrugged and raised a hand to wipe her tears away. It didn't work. Her hand still held a shopping bag that blocked her from touching her own face. "I hated you," she whispered. "In Kindergarten you were such a wimp, afraid to stick your nose in other people's business. The only reason you still don't cry in a corner is because I saved you. The only difference between now and then is that you fight back. I hate you for that. You're always shoving your nose up Sasuke's face, even though you wanted to steal him from me in the past. He liked you, you know. I could never get over that. But then you got over your infatuation and left him in the dust. I was the one who had to pick up the pieces. Why do you think I started cheerleading? Because he was always ready to beat himself up over the inability to please you. I needed to cheer him on, even as it broke my heart to pretend I wasn't in love."

I stared at the floor. "All a misunderstanding, I guess."

"Yeah. And now you're in love with him again, strutting around like some Ms. America. You're dating him for Heaven's sake. Just when I thought I had another chance."

"Can I trust you?"

She stared at me with glistening, blue eyes. "I wish you couldn't."

Glancing around to make sure no one was listening, I bit my lip. "Sasuke's not my boyfriend. He's being a jerk."

Ino stared at me for a long moment until finally she gasped. She quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me toward her car. "You shouldn't say that in public if that's what it is. You don't who's listening."

Surprised that she knew exactly what I had meant from my one quick sentence, I hopped into the passenger's seat, and Ino sat behind the steering wheel. Placing her keys in, the blonde rolled up all the windows and then finally turned to me. "What happened?" she asked.

I put my head in my hands. Embarrassment and disorientation bit at me until I wanted to cry the tears I'd been holding in so long. "H-He—" My voice broke into a sob. I had never really cried before. So strange.

Ino's comforting hand rubbed my back. "It's okay. The shock's just wearing off, I bet. It might help to talk about it?"

I nodded behind my hands. "He promised to stop bullying me and my friends if I did everything he said for . . . for the rest of high school." My tears didn't stop. I merely held back the choking sobs. "I went along with it for a day or two. But that was . . . only the b-beginning."

"You two 'broke up,' right?" Ino squeezed my shoulder, and the tears finally subsided.

"It was Tenten," I answered, hiding the anger behind my voice. Ino had been part of the group who had teased her. "Sasuke and Tenten were real good friends, and he let her walk home on her own that day. Kiba must have dyed her hair green then."

"That's her natural color—"

"Hell, Ino, it's not! Because yesterday before all this shit happened, she was trying to wash it out!" I screamed.

Understanding completely, Ino nodded. "Get back to Sasuke."

I bit my lip and breathed in deeply. "Sasuke changed when I broke the deal. I found out he smoked on Tuesday, the day before Tenten got hurt. He didn't like bullying anymore, I could tell when Kiba, Neji, and . . . you . . . were hurting her. He called me that night. I don't know why he didn't just kill himself though. He was really upset."

Ino's indigo eyes widened. "Again?"

"What do you mean again?"

"Never mind. Your story first."

"I came over to his house and got him to calm down again. Then on Friday . . . Remember when I asked you to tell Kakashi I was sick for a few minutes?"

She nodded.

I felt like crying again. "I was going to find Sasuke. I was afraid . . . that he'd gotten upset again. But he wasn't—not when I first came in at least. I found he and Tenten trying to get the dye out of her hair. But suddenly Tenten just flipped out on him. She started blaming him for everything. I swear, she was his only real friend. And then he got upset. Not in a good way. He's broken, like some caged tiger set loose. He's insane!"

"Oh." The facts seemed to click in Ino's head. "Oh. You've got a real problem then."

"I know." I wiped the wetness away with my sleeve. "He said if I didn't become his friend—not just do what he said, his friend—then he would hurt Hinata and Naruto. Really bad . . ."

Ino patted my shoulder with her long, slender fingers. "He isn't lying. He will hurt somebody if he doesn't get his way. You have to be careful."

I stared at my hands clasped together in my lap.

"It happened to him once a long time ago. When you stopped liking him. He was so upset. Suicide was definitely top of his list. But then all the sudden, he got angry, got mad at anyone in sight. There's only one way to calm him down again."

My eyes flickered to her face. "How?"

She frowned at the windshield and then returned my glance. "You have to kiss him."

Sasuke stared down at me, his arms folded across his chest. "You and Ino spent a long time at the mall."

"Shopping," I answered dully.

When I tried to get around him, Sasuke stood in my way. "What did you get?"

I wanted to roll my eyes. "Clothes, of course. Shoes, hair things . . . Stuff . . ." Was Ino really right about how to get him back? The angry look in his cold, onyx eyes unnerved me. I was really afraid. If I kissed him, what would he do? Hit me on the head? Consider it a sign of neglecting the deal?

I didn't want to find out.

But I didn't want to wait a couple of years for this to end either.

"Go to my room and sit patiently on my bed like a good little girl." He finally stepped out of my path and gestured toward the elevator behind him.

His sarcasm was getting annoying. I sighed and walked where he had gestured. This Saturday, Sasuke had ordered me to come to his house for dinner. And lunch, and breakfast. I was also supposed to return for Sunday. And then if I wasn't tightly obeying his ever-strict rules, then he would starve me.

Again, my thoughts returned to what Ino had said. Kiss him? Did she mean just a gentle sibling kiss? Maybe she thought I should go all the way through and make-out. Knowing Ino though, when she said kiss, she meant just a full and meaningful kiss of two lovers in public. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I sighed.

Before last year, I had been madly in love with him. But after I became friends with Naruto and Hinata, he was no longer my crush.

As Ino had put it, Sasuke had loved me. Did he still? Would he allow me to kiss him? Those two questions didn't strike me nearly as much as the next one rushing to my mind.

Could Sasuke's former love for me be what made him want to control me like this in the first place?

Sitting on Sasuke's bed and clasping my hands in my lap like "a good little girl," I waited for what seemed like hours. Hours upon hours. Minutes upon minutes. Then finally the door opened. "Is dinner ready?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I came to tell you that you're going as my date to Prom."

"Wh—" I cut myself off, knowing it was ineffective to argue with him in my situation. "Sure, I'll come with you." Even though it hadn't been really a question, pretending that I was still in charge felt good. "Prom's in a few weeks, right?"

"Yes, three weeks." Sasuke sat down beside me.

I stared at him, and he stared back, longing in his clear, black eyes. For a moment, I thought Sasuke was back. The Sasuke I wanted to protect, the Sasuke who would protect me. But then the longing transformed into lust, and I wondered if I had imagined his old self from the beginning. Still, this was my chance—my one chance to kiss him, to find out if he really was who I thought he was.

"Sasuke," I whispered, scooting closer to him. "I have to tell you some—"

Too late.

His lips pressed against mine. I edged away so quickly that I didn't even realize I had moved. Then air filled my lungs as I gasped for breath. An arm wrapped around my back and pulled me toward him again. I took in a deep breath once again. I didn't want to do this! Sasuke was my enemy! Sasuke was the last person I wanted to kiss!

And now he was forcing me to kiss him!

I wanted to scream.

He pushed me down onto the bed, caging me under his body. No escape. I tried to shove him off, but he held my arms down. "You were very good today." His voice sent cold shivers down my spine, even if it was only a whisper. "I promise, it'll be short."

Sasuke had completely lost control. At that moment I was sure.

"It doesn't work that way," Ino remarked as she led me down the halls. Apparently Sasuke believed that I needed supervision twenty-four seven. But luckily Ino was a friend. "You have to kiss him. He can't kiss you," she continued.

I rolled my eyes. "I did kiss him. He said our deal would die if I didn't."

"You have to want to kiss him then." She shook her head, as if at herself, and stopped walking. "He's lonely right now. His only friend hates him, and he has no real friend, except maybe you for the time being. Kissing him truly helps because he realizes there's someone who cares enough to do that for him—for his own sake. But when somebody does just the opposite, like Tenten did last Friday, he gets a little forceful about friendship."

"A little?" I frowned and continued to walk, Ino following quickly behind me. "Why though? He's acting like an idiot from the luny-bin," I commented casually.

"It's just the way he is when he's alone. You can't change that."

"Huh." I mulled over her words for a few seconds before I could continue. "So what if somebody proved they loved him all the time?"

"Then there'd never be a problem," Ino answered instantly.

A/N: Hey, I promised some of you that I would update a few Mondays ago. The thing is my computer crashed, and I really didn't feel like writing out the whole thing... So... I waited--and waited--and waited. And finally my patience was rewarded!! Haha. My dad found someone who could recover my stuff for me, so now that he has and I have my new computer, I'm finally updating. Hope you enjoy, and sorry it took so long. This was actually one of my favorite chapters to write. :) I was also a bit happy when I edited it ('cause it doesn't suck as bad as I thought, LOl). Well hope you liked.

Oh yeah, and OMG! Thanks SO much for all those reviews. Man, 55 for 4 chapters? Thanks so much you guys! :D Well, anyway, bye. :) Next chapter later. Hopefully soon.