Chapter 3

Authors Note: Hi! Chapter 3 here. I have already written chapter 5 and now working chapter 4. However you might not get an update for a while, since I'm going away on a cruise on Friday. And during the Christmas break, my boyfriend is staying with us (he has recently become deaf) so I will be spending my free time with him  Have a "Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, a Crazy Kwanza, a tip top Tec, and a solemn and dignified Raman don." ,

Clowns

Can you see me now?
Can you see me now?

I wish that life was fair, and not unjust like everyone tells you. I wish that…oh forget it. It wouldn't matter. Because there's only one thing I want, and I can't ever have it. He's made that clear.

All this weeping in the air
Who can tell where it will fall?

He never told me of course. But I know. I know from the looks he gives me. I know from that stupid piece of paper. But I mustn't be cruel for I must cherish what we did have.

Through floating forests in the air
'Cross the rolling open sea

I wish he hadn't misunderstood the inner workings of my heart. I wish that…wishing will never get me anywhere. So I wandered the streets of Retroville, looking for something, anything.

Blow a kiss, I run through air
Leave the past, find nowhere

I contemplated the Candy Bar, and decided for it. But I wasn't prepared for the shock that deranged me from time.

Floating forests in the air
Clowns all around you

Everyone was there. Laughing, eating, drinking, dancing…He was there. And in his hand, the one I so often dreamed about holding mine…was Betty Quinlan's.

Clowns that only let you know
Where you let your senses go

There was silence. I felt eyes upon me, but I knew they weren't really there. And the voices still ringed through the dreadful scene in my eyes. He looked up at me, and I felt him immobilize me to my spot. My lip quivering, hands shaking. He gave a meek smile and squeezed her hand, turning his love struck gaze upon her darling face. I took a step backwards, still registering in the depths of my mind that he found someone else, and I was nothing.

Clowns all around you
It's a cross I need to bear

My friend for life joined them at their secluded booth, hushing their speech and casting awkward glances towards me. Sheen and Carl too, hopped inside. And I realized I had been replaced.

All this black and cruel despair
This is an emergency

There were masks…wigs...red noses…I swirl around. They were everywhere. I was the fool, the mime. They were mocking me, faces of pain staring back at me. I couldn't stay, not here in the funhouse where I was the puppeteer lost among the sea of dolls. I turned away from them, walking into light's beckoning song. It was then I felt a hand on my shoulder, and in faith I spun around, to find my eyes suffocating in a blanket of darkness, rather then floating on the waves of blue.

Don't you hide your eyes from me
Open them and see me now

I turned away but felt the forceful grip control my movement, once again searching for something I would never recognize. "I'm sorry Cindy." I heard his voice, and wished it were the comfort of someone else's. I smiled softly for him, laughing it off as if it were nothing.

"Its okay Nick."

Can you see me now?

I looked into the bar from the outside window, feeling his eyes make contact with mine. There was a look, just meant for me. Not Betty, not Sheen or Carl. Me. I wanted him to see I loved him.

Can you see me now?

I wanted him to believe we had something, anything. He turned his head away as she whispered in his ear, and the fury of envy consumed my senses. "Cindy, you wanna go for a walk or something?" He looked like he cared.

"I'm alright Nick, I need some time today. But…maybe, later we could catch a film?" There was a genuine smile gracing his face, and I wanted so much for it to be him that I pined for.

"Sure, I'll give you a call." He walked away, and I turned towards the RetroVille Park.


Can you see?
Can you see?

I glanced once more, but now the glass was the mirror reflections of what never belonged to me. Nick called back towards me, "He's not worth the whole damn bunch of you put together."

See me here in the air
Not holding on to anywhere

I understood that I couldn't hold on to something. I had to let things fly away, as I would in the end. Friendships do change, and if I'm dropped then… I'm dropped. All the same, it stung deep inside. For I felt I wasn't Cindy Vortex anymore.

But holding on so beware
I have secrets I won't share

Strolling along the greens of the earth, and warmth casting down upon me I tried to find out who I was now. Now that I didn't have Libby, now that those heated arguments dominating the classroom setting were gone. Now that it didn't matter anymore about the knowledge, and the grades.

See me here pushing you
If I then deny I do

I wanted to be someone, anyone. Anyone but this empty girl aimlessly walking around the park. I plopped myself down on the grass, in the comfort of life's shadows. "Cindy…it was never meant to be." Nick had materialized behind me, and sat next to me. I found it strange to hear such words in his voice.

Contemplate or wish away
If I ask you not to stay

"I know Nick…but…For once I just wanted…something." Surprisingly, I think he understood. I know Nick is not the brightest, but sometimes I felt that he knew more then he let on.

Clowns that only let you know
Where you let your senses go

He nodded softly. "I'll leave you for awhile." Like a whisper of a breeze, he vanished. I felt…surrounded and alone at the same time. Gazing up at nature's sky, I smiled. The tears were flowing freely and still I smiled. And soon, the pain became so great that I had to laugh. It reverberated in the sky, the sound of my laughter…

Clowns all around you
It's a cross I need to bear

I knew now what I didn't know then. It was ironic I suppose, or possibly a paradox. Like Shakespeare's Macbeth, where "Lesser than Macbeth and greater" defined the impossible. We were that paradox of irony. We weren't suppose to be together, and somehow we slipped through that crack.

All this black and cruel despair

But Jimmy got out, and found bliss and content. And I didn't.

This is an emergency

I realized now that, Betty was not smarter than I. However, she was my alter ego. Sweet, caring, beautiful.

Don't you hide your eyes from me

I was at my house now, not even realizing I had drifted away from the park. Across the street were Jimmy, and Betty. I gazed at him, but he turned his eyes away.

Open them and see me now

I wanted him to see me, so I still stood there. Watching them, a masochistic nature approaching my senses as they kissed. I should have ran, or spun away, or something. But I watched as their silent wrath inflicted itself upon me.

Open them and see me now

His eyes were open. But they weren't open for me. They would never be open for me.

Clowns all around you…