Disclaimer: All recognisable characters are the property of MGM/Amazon. No copyright infringement intended. I am simply taking my favourite two Gaters for a walk in an Alternate Universe.
Rating: M rated due to the mature themes including depression, suicide and alcoholism.
Episode Tags: Takes place in Season 7 after 7.16 Death Knell.
TRIGGERS: Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, Alcoholism.
A/N: If you or anyone you know suffers from the Black Dog, encourage them to seek help. Ask them R U OK? Contains some bad language. I have no beta, so all mistakes are my own.
Chapter 18: Visions
Half-Ancient? Her mini-exploding light show, and the glowing thing looked a lot more than half of anything. I looked back at Daniel and breathed in deep, so he had the gene as well. Of course, he did, he was me… technically. But this, I… he couldn't possibly have passed more on to her than what he had? Could he? Was she another leap in evolution as Thor put it. I continued to watch as the glow petered out to nothing. Grace opened her eyes slowly and pouted, then looked at me.
"What?" I whispered.
"I too little. I need help." She asked. I shook my head. I couldn't do what she had done. Her face broke into a smile that was half Sam and half me. I felt my heart jolt. Then she took my hands, ignoring the blood that still clung to them. I couldn't take my eyes off the remnants of golden haze that still clung to her like a thick fog.
Placing one hand Samantha's forehead and the other on her chest underneath her tiny hands. "Close your eyes Daddy and think of making Mummy feel better." She said clearly. My lip trembled. I though of Sam all the time. My Sam, not Samantha. Regardless, I did what she said. I pictured Sam in my mind, the feel of her hand in mine. My hands warmed up from the inside as I placed a band aid over a small cut before I kissed her knuckles.
"Thank you Jack." She said as she smiled at me. Sam-in-my-mind ran her uninjured hand up behind my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. It was everything I had ever dreamed of. Everything in my mind was tinged golden, like it was sunrise and sunset at the same time. The shine glinting off Sam's beautiful blonde hair. It felt strange yet perfect. I kept my eyes closed not wanting to leave the images of my love behind, I felt tears streaming down my face.
"Jack." Sam-in-my-mind said, "Open your eyes, Jack. It's time to go back."
I shook my head, and kept my eyes closed. "No… I can't… I don't want to leave you." I said to her, my hand threading through her hair. I pulled her in again to pepper kisses across her face. "God, I miss you, I miss you so much." I lamented softly. She smiled her smile, the one I knew she only smiled for me. I kissed her again, longing to feel her lips touch mine.
"She needs you, Jack." She whispered against my lips.
"She's not mine. Please let me stay here with you." I begged.
"I can't Jack. You have to let me go. I love you." Sam-in-my-mind replied then leaned in and kissed me gently. "Always, Jack." She said as she pulled away.
"No!" I cried out to her fading image, the gold ebbing away, replaced with grey. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter willing her to come back. I found myself on the ground, Sam lying in my lap, her cold lifeless eyes staring back at me. "Sam… please come back… I can't live without you." I clung to her with every fibre of my being, steadfastly refusing to let her go.
"Daddy?" a small voice called. I looked up at Grace, shocked to see her here. She walked over and held out her hand. "You have to let her go, we can't fix spirit Mummy." She said, motioning to the shadow of my Sam.
"I can't…" I looked down at what was left of my love, "…I don't want to." I choked out. Slowly, Grace knelt beside us and closed Sam's eyes with her small hand, not saying a word.
"Jack." I heard her voice.
"Sam?" I whispered tearfully still focusing on the grey husk.
"She can't hear you." I looked up and saw her again – my Sam – a golden glow around her making the grey brighten. I steadily got to my feet. She smiled again and put her hands on my face, wiping away my tears.
"Sam… it's really you." I sobbed. She nodded and pulled me into a fierce hug. "Don't leave me, please!" I wept into her hair, no longer afraid to let my emotions out.
"Jack, you can't stay here. It isn't time for you yet." She replied, encouraging me to look at Grace. "She needs you, Jack. So does the other me."
"Samantha's not mine. I can't be with her." I replied, shaking my head. Sam stroked my face tenderly and motioned to Grace.
"Daddy, we need you." I heard Grace say quietly. I turned to find another version of myself appear, he was golden just like Sam.
"Hey kiddo. Whatcha doin'." He said then smiled as he ruffled Grace's hair.
"Daddy needs help with bad dreams." She replied looking up at him.
"Oh, he does, does he?" He replied then looked at Sam and me. I pulled Sam closer as this other me ran his hand through his hair.
"Strange hey?" He answered my silent question with a smile for my Sam. I scowled and pulled her closer again. "So, you are his Sam." It was a statement, not a question.
"Yeah." She smiled and nodded. "Well, before I came here."
"She still is." I said clearly. "I'm staying here with her." He looked at me and raised a single eyebrow as if to challenge my position at her side.
"I take it that my Sam is alive and with you and this little angel, hey?" He said completely ignoring my previous comment. I stayed silent and watched as he sidled up to my Sam, noticing that they both glowed a little brighter. Jealousy ripped through me.
"Yes. We came through the special mirror to be with Daddy." Grace answered taking my hand. She looked up and smiled, then tugged. "It's time to go Daddy." I started shaking my head. I couldn't leave this place in favour of the agony that had become my life without her.
"I'll look after her Jack, if you look after mine." The other me said. Sam smiled at him, the smile she only gave to me, pulling out of my grasp and wrapping one arm around his waist, the other on his arm and finally her head on his chest, further intensifying the glow surrounding both of them.
"No… Sam, please don't do this." I begged. I had to convince her to let me stay. There was nothing for me back there. Only pain and suffering.
"Jack. You promised, remember." Sam said as she placed her hand on my shoulder. I looked at her with sad eyes. "You need to go back now. Grace and Samantha need you. Just know that I'll always love you."
"No! Sam, please!" I implored as her image started to fade. "Sam!" I called out. I was so tired, and still drunk. I wanted to stay here and never leave, but I could no longer focus, her image vanishing from my mind taking the golden hue with it leaving only grey then black.
I opened my eyes to find Grace and Jack over me, a soft glow emitting from their hands. "Grace. What?" I said groggily, she opened her tired eyes and smiled. Jack on the other hand, fell forwards onto me. "Jack. Jack!" I shook him. He was out cold.
"S'OK, Mummy. Daddy is sleeping." She yawned, smiled, and snuggled up to me as well. "We're safe now Mummy." I looked over to Daniel, Doctor Fraiser and Uncle George.
"What just happened?" I asked, noticing the pile of slag lying where the mirror had been.
"Ummm, I don't really know to be honest." Daniel replied, "But I think they healed you after Kawalsky injured you. Grace has the same Ancient gene just like Jack, though he's never done anything like that before." He added as he scratched his chin.
I raised my eyebrow. I had never heard of an Ancient gene. The only thing that came close was the time that my Jack had absorbed some kind of 'ancient' knowledge that nearly killed him. He went all technology crazy, jury-rigging some complicated gadget that I didn't get a chance to look at before he disappeared through the Gate for a few days only to come back with no memory of anything that happened after his head had been stuck in the device. He certainly had never showed any of what I would call supernatural or extraordinary abilities like healing. This Jack had done something similar and had come home with a contact for Asgard, we had not been so lucky.
"OK, so they healed me and that is why Jack passed out?" I asked, knowing the look on my face reflected the dubiousness I was feeling.
"Ah yeah, that and well probably because he is still drunk." Daniel replied.
"Samantha?" I turned my head to see Charlie trying to sit up, the knife at his side covered in blood. My blood, otherwise, why would Grace and Jack have had to heal me.
"Doctors, take Samantha, Grace, and Jack to the infirmary. Check them all out." General Hammond ordered before turning to Charlie. "Lieutenant Colonel Kawalsky, you are also required at the infirmary however it will be under guard. Consider yourself under arrest until I can work out what to do with you. Teal'c, I trust you'll get him there intact." He ground out before turning on his heel to leave the room. I puffed out a breath through my lips knowing his curt orders were evidence of his brewing temper, something that I knew from experience that Charlie did not want to be on the receiving end of.
"Yes, sir." Charlie answered sheepishly. It's not like he had much of a choice now that the mirror was gone. Not that I was happy about it. I came here to get away from the man.
"Samantha, I…" He started as I stooped to collect our backpacks before I held up my hand and turned away. Daniel had gently lifted Grace to deposit her in my arms, then assisted Janet with Jack.
"I don't want to hear it, Charlie. You threatened my daughter, then tried to kill me."
"It wasn't like that." He replied as Teal'c shoved him out the door.
I cradled my sleeping daughter in my arms as I watched him be marched down to the elevators at zat point. I followed slowly mulling over how everything was going to fall into place. They may have accepted us before, but things were different now. Their Sam was dead, and I had Grace. I was married to Jack, but Jack was not married to me. I sighed. I had enough money to set myself up in a small town if I wasn't welcome in Jack's life, though I hoped that wasn't the case.
I watched Uncle Teal'c put Daddy onto the bed before the nice lady in the white coat covered him with a blanket. He looked just the same as he had in my dreams. It was good to meet the real him.
"Hey kiddo, how are you feeling?" Mummy asked me. I looked up at her and smiled.
"I'm sleepy." I replied with a huge yawn, then wrapped my arms around her when she sat on the edge of my bed.
"Here you go," she said handing me my favourite stuffed lion, "lay down and I'll tuck you in." She offered. I liked Mummy's tuck ins. She always made it perfect. Afterwards she sat back on the edge of the bed. "Gracie, how did you do what you did?"
"I dunno. I wanted you to get better, but I couldn't. So, Daddy helped. We just thinked of making you feel better." I replied.
"Thought, 'We just thought of making you feel better." She repeated the right word. I smiled at how nice she made my words right. "Have you done it before?" She asked stroking her fingers through my hair. I frowned when I remembered accidentally hurting Kayla's pet kitten. I had been so upset that I picked it up and held it gently while imagining myself making the kitten get better. That's when the shiny stuff happened the first time, and the kitten was better. I didn't want to tell Mummy in case she got mad about me hurting the kitten. The next time the glowy thing happened was after I had fallen off my bike and hurt my knee.
"Yes, I fixed an ouchie on my knee." I replied. I didn't tell her how I found Daddy hunched over spirit Mummy's shadow and how he begged to stay with her. That he wouldn't come back with me. That he doesn't want to be with us. I didn't want to make Mummy sad.
"No Sam… honey." Daddy cried out. Mummy and I looked over to him at the same time. "Please…" He choked out. His voice sounded very sad. His head thrashed and his hands clenched. I knew where he was.
"Oh no." Mummy whispered then stood up and walked over to Daddy's bed. I watched as he tossed and turned. I sat up completely undoing Mummy's good tuck in. "Jack, it's OK." Mummy said to him. I frowned; he couldn't hear her. He was sleeping the bad sleep again. I watched sadly from my bed as Daddy thrashed and cried out.
"Jack. Shh, it's OK." Mummy hushed the same she did when I had a bad sleep. She brushed some of his silver hair off his forehead before placing her hand on the side of his face, her thumb stroking his cheek. It didn't seem to be helping. With a jerk, he shook himself awake.
"Sam!" He called out. Suddenly he shrank back from Mummy and scooted out of the bed, almost knocking over the nice lady in the white coat.
"Colonel!" She yelled.
"Get away from me! You're not her. You're not my Sam." He said harshly, then slipped around the end of the bed and walked quickly out of the room. I looked back to find Mummy trying hard not to cry.
"Mummy?"
"It's OK kiddo." She sniffed and wiped her eyes. Slowly, she turned and walked to my bed taking her seat on the edge once again, facing the wall behind me. I watched her try to be brave.
"Doctor, what was that all about?" I turned when I heard his voice.
"Granpa Dorge?" I asked smiling. I thought I had seen him before but was too scared for Mummy.
"Granpa Dorge!" I yelled excitedly, scrabbling of the bed, and colliding with his leg's moments later.
"Looks like you have a fan Sir." The mean Uncle Charlie said. I scowled at him.
"General, this is my daughter, Grace." Mummy said proudly.
"Well, hello young lady." He replied with a huge smile. "I've been looking forward to meeting you."
"You have?" I asked, then looked at Mummy. I heard a nasty noise from Uncle Charlie, but everyone ignored him, so I did too.
"Yes, your Aunty Sam showed me all the photos your Mummy sent through." I smiled up at him. I was happy that my here Mummy was proud of me, and sorry that she didn't get to meet her own Grace. "C'mon you hop back into bed while I go and look for your Daddy."
"OK." I replied then ran back to my bed. Slowly, my eyes floated to the bed beside me to see Uncle Charlie with a mean happy look on his face. I didn't like Uncle Charlie anymore. Mummy helped me up and then sat down beside me. Wrapping my arms around her, I snuggled down and hoped she would feel better soon. Daddy would feel better soon, I knew would because spirit Mummy said so.
Finding my way to level 19, I swiped Sam's card hard through the reader. It didn't work. I tried it again. Still nothing. With a roar, I slammed my fist into the metal wall beside the card reader, once again opening those split knuckles up. How dare they deactivate her card! With shaking hands, I took my own card out and swiped it instead. The door slid open. I walked in to find it mostly unchanged. Forcefully palming the door closed behind me, I made a beeline for the button on her lab desk console that would lock the door.
I picked up the Rubix cube Sam had on her desk just for me to play with and twisted it violently in my hands. They were still shaking. What the hell was she thinking? Did she think that I would just welcome her here? That I would forget that my Sam was dead and take her and her daughter into my life? I roared again and threw the cube with everything I had. It bounced violently when it hit the wall, hitting some crystals which shattered into pieces. I slumped into the lab chair that I frequented so often when Sam was alive.
Closing my eyes, I tried to conjure up the images of my Sam, with the golden glow, the sunrise and sunset bouncing off her hair, her smile, her kisses, but nothing came. Nothing! Just grey and black. What had Grace said? Think of making her feel better. I closed my eyes again and thought of the cut on her finger and the band aid, there was a flicker of golden light with the sound of her giggle, then I lost it. Everything shrouded in grey then abruptly changed to red – blood red. Her screams and gasps filled my ears. The smell of fried electronics and blood assailed my nostrils.
"NO!" I yelled, roughly running my hands through my hair. I couldn't do it. I couldn't remember anything about her from before. I looked up, spying Sam's laptop. Without thinking too much, I pulled it towards me and opened the lid seeing a picture of the Crab Nebula that she had adorning her wallpaper. Using the ridiculous mouse touch pad thing that I had never mastered – always preferring the old ball mouse I had attached to mine – I navigated to her personal folder. I selected the video file called Jack, my finger lingering over the left mouse button. I had watched her video multiple times just so I could remember her face, her voice, her smile.
Casting my eyes up, I saw a yellow folder named SG-1 photos. I clicked on it instead. I noticed immediately that each photo started with the reverse date and a location. The first one taken was marked as '1997-02-07-Abydos'. I opened it to find the original team – Kawalsky, Ferretti, Sam, and myself – with Skaara posing for a photo. She looked so young at the tender age of 29. Hell, even I looked young still with a head of light brown hair. I flipped through a few more in order, each one showing the two of us gradually moving closer together, a few even showing me with my hand on her shoulder or around her waist, or one of us looking tenderly at the other. We were still in the first year. Did it really happen so fast?
A few more photos down the line, I found one named '1998-08-14-DC'. Clicking on that one, I was not expecting a photo of us dancing at the Air Medal Ceremony. She was looking straight at the camera with a huge smile, her head tucked almost under my chin as I looked down on her. My breath caught as I remembered how I had my arm around her back, holding her close to my chest – a highly inappropriate dancing formation for a CO and his 2IC. The ceremony had been interrupted by the accident, but we still managed to enjoy some dancing. She had come to my room that night in tears, telling me how her father had been diagnosed with cancer. Against my own better judgement, I invited her in. We fell asleep on the hotel couch together, wrapped in each other arms. That was when I knew I was in trouble. Though it still took me another year to admit to myself that I was in love with her.
I needed to get out of here. I couldn't be in the same place as Samantha. Not now, probably not ever. She wanted a side of me that I simply could not give her. Damn Daniel and his bleeding heart. He should have left me at home with my scotch and my gun. My phone beeped. It was Daniel asking where I was. That meant he'd be here in short order. Hastily, I woke up her printer. I wanted a copy of that photo. Moments later, I was on the elevator heading up to the surface, intent on walking the 16 kilometres to my house.
"Hey Sam, you ready to go?" I asked as I looked at my friend. Janet had given her clearance shortly after the episode that the ended with Jack storming out of the infirmary after waking up from another hellish dream.
"Yeah. I suppose." She murmured, looking uncomfortable at the concept of going to Jack's house. Unfortunately, I didn't have room at my apartment and Sam's house had no furniture anymore. We didn't even realise Jacob had had it cleared out.
"I just…" She closed her eyes, "I'm sorry Daniel, I have memories of our house back there, and I know it won't be anywhere near the same." She replied, hugging a sleeping Grace tighter to herself, as if she were a shield from all the pain inflicted upon her.
"Hey. He'll come around. I know he will. It's just that today was hard. He was doing better, but the funeral, and Sam's dad giving him the Shady Grove thing. It hit him pretty hard."
"Shady Grove - the clinic?" She replied, like she knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Yeah, turns out Sam had some of her ovum frozen a few years back. She signed ownership over to him upon her death." I confessed on behalf of Jack. I watched her serene face turn into a scowl.
"And Dad gave him that on the day of her funeral? Dammit Dad!" She cursed. "Why didn't he wait?"
I huffed out a breath. "He had to return to the Tok'ra within an hour of the service finishing. He has no idea when he will be back on Earth."
"Oh, I see. I forgot he's this alien host in this reality, but still, he could have asked Uncle George to give it to him on another day. Any day but today." She replied, clearly not happy with Jacob's handling of that letter. She adjusted the weight of Grace on her hip. I smiled sadly and grabbed her bags before ushering her out of the infirmary and toward the elevators.
A/N: With reference to the dates used for Sam's photos, in 1.21 Politics, Jack refers to the Chulak mission having been on the 10th February 1997. I have therefore made the assumption that they were on Abydos three days earlier because they would not have returned to Earth and then gone out on the same day, particularly with Teal'c being a defector and Daniel a returned 'dead' man (first of many!).
