The surrender

Wasn't sex supposed to be fun? Not that he would be any expert on that.. But mankind's greatest pleasure surely were sex, drugs and power? The later two he surely knew and had sufficiently tasted.

He was just dreading that Evey would want to try again tonight. And he really didn't have the strength and patience. Maybe he could start a fight to ruin the mood..?

„Don't you like when I touch you?" She had asked, and the question itself hurt on so many levels. He could only say what was the truth.

„I like the idea of it." She had nodded, clearly disappointed. But what was the point in lying to her? She definitely wasn't stupid, sooner or later his reactions would betray him. Showing what lied within.

The process it took to get here was achingly slow. He knew this day would come. Sometimes he would be so confident, thinking that somehow he could overcome these obstacles. But most of the time he knew, there were things in life he couldn't change.

The first time had been awful. Gut wrenching awful. He hated her, himself and the world for it. She clearly didn't know back then that he was only functioning, acting as normal as he could, on sedatives mixed with psychotropic drugs. He didn't tell her that once started you just couldn't stop with drugs completely. He had exchanged the dangerous stuff to sedatives in hope he could slowly reduce that to zero. She also didn't know the side effects these pills had. In an attempt to be sexy and cheeky she had taken the opportunity of the moment and wanted to redeem the pleasure he had just given her. He tried to play along.

He was a broken man, indeed, but not utterly stupid. Every sane male would have found her actions unbelievably arousing. That's where the problem lay. Sane. Male. He didn't really know if he could even name himself a proper man. Only after she gave up and her hand retrieved from his pants, that loud buzzing sound in his ears stopped. It had felt like he was standing next to an aircraft turbine. The sound prohibiting his mind to even think about what pleasures she was offering him.

Of course, the angel that she was, she shrugged the whole thing off and laughed about it. Stage fright, she said.

The next time she announced that he would get lucky this evening, he left the pills aside out of necessity, in the hope to cross out former problems.

But the second she had pushed him on the bed, her soft hands rummaging over his clothed body, the loud buzzing had started again. The sound so loud he couldn't really see her. His nerves blank, no cloud of sedative blocking the view, memories of torture and pain burst into his head. „Are you nervous?" she asked. Oblivious of what was really going on in his head. How could she know? He hadn't told her anything, leaving her in the dark. He didn't expect her to act differently.

After the second attempt which had ended worse than the first one, she was considerate enough to let the topic „sex" rest for months.

„I was thinking.." Her words made him look up from his book. Lately, they had spend their evenings quietly in the living space. Him reading and Evey watching a series or - when her turn- cooking in the kitchen. Today felt slightly different. The whole evening she shot glances towards him that could not be misunderstood. She was lounging alongside him, her silken dress revealing her cleavage. To him she was just... Utterly beautiful.

„Maybe we could try again tonight?" He exhaled, tiredly. Unfortunately, he was too clever for his own sake.

„Sure." What he really wanted to say was… No. Never. I hate that you want to tickle something out of me that I can't give you. But if he was honest, he did want some kind of intimacy with her. Just all the barriers that lay between them didn't give him hope that he could.

She sensed his mood shifting.

„No, not like the last times…" she said, getting red in the face. Was she embarrassed? After all she had seen of him, she was the one embarrassed?

„I thought, maybe we could… what I wanted to say is…"

Yes?

„Maybe we could see what exactly bothers you? If… you know.. You could tell me beforehand. Or we could try to progress by exclusion principle…?"

Silence. What did she just say?

„If I'm honest Evey, there aren't many options left." Her questioning look made him continue. „The act itself is what triggers me.." He wanted to take back the words the second he said them.

„What do you mean?" she looked at him with calmness.

„What I'm saying is nakedness and closeness are the founding principles of sex!" he shouted, coming to a stand. Anger issues. Right. He had plenty of those. Foolishly thinking he had overcome them by taking Guy Fawkes identity.

She stepped closer to him.

„Intimacy is what we make out of it…" she was standing right before him. Her chest pressing into his.

„It's not the same, Evey."

„Aren't we close now? Isn't this a kind of intimacy.. what we share right now? But it is acceptable for you. Because it respects your boundaries… " He couldn't look at her. Why couldn't he have…why couldn't he do what he really wanted?

„We can make it our own. There's no rule that it has to be a certain way…" she whispered, taking his hand.

He just couldn't say no to her.

His heart was still pounding from his angry outburst.

Love and surrender it is then.

Please don't hate me for making V look kind of 'weak'. Temporary ED is actually very common. And let's be honest he's scarred from head to toe and was celibate for twenty years... Hopefully I can make up for this in the next chapter.

I hope by now it is clear that the chapters aren't written in a straight timeline. Some of them refer to the past and some of them happening in the „future".

The goal was to make clear that it wasn't important when things happened between them but that they happen at all. Being as traumatised as they are, it is a huge milestone to reach things that „normal" couples have. So.. I hope that this explains why the timeline feels confusing sometimes. Hopefully at the end of this fanfic it will all come full circle.

Stay tuned.. xx