WARNINGS: Slight NSFW here and there
MEIRA
"Again," I ordered. Protests erupted through the Battalion. "Tired of it already? Was this not the war you've all so desperately sought? The divide you're so desperate to keep? I said, again!"
Mage and templar faced off once more. After I had single-handedly defeated every pair the battalion had to offer because the mages and templars had been unwilling to truly work together, I had ordered practice drills. Mage versus templar. Over and over again I had made them battle each other. Neither could inflict fatal or crippling damage, but everything up to that was allowed.
At first, they had been hungry for it—bad blood and rage driving them on. The templars had thrashed nearly all the mages for the first few rounds, only those mages with the strongest wills stood a chance. But once their lyrium began to wane, the tides turned.
The mages proving powerful in their own right. It drove the drills on, the mages exuberant to finally take their grievances out upon the Order. But as they saw what their magic could do, as I allowed them free rein, their bloodlust was quickly sated. Parts of Skyhold were damaged from their lack of care, templars injured even by the least of their spells, the people of the Inquisition nervous at their power, they lost their zeal.
I allowed the templars another draught of lyrium when the mages' passion burned out. They were hesitant, knowing that the mages were exhausted. I ordered them to take it. Their advantage was brutal, the drill over in minutes, but I had Bethany and the other healers administer healing and lyrium potions to the mages and ordered them to keep fighting.
Soon enough, both sides were sick of the fight. Templars unwilling to use their abilities; mages using only barriers to defend themselves from the templars' weapons. I pushed them on until anger at me began to burn in their eyes. Their last drill finished, both templars and mages panting from exhaustion, their want to fight long since burned out, I had ordered them to keep going.
"No more," Barris refused, throwing his blade and shield down, Solana looking at him as her meager flames snuffed out.
So close. "You wanted to fight," I barked, "You are going to fight until I say you are done."
"No," he shook his head, green eyes burning, "This is not what the Order is about."
"Then pray tell, Ser Barris, what is it about?" I questioned, putting my hands on my hips, "Because when last I checked the Order abandoned their duties and enslaved themselves to a demon and its master in order to quell the supposed mage threat. Before that, a city was brought to its knees by a mage in the name of mage rights because its templars had so maliciously abused their charges. The Chantry teaches that mages and magic are evil. The Order is given lyrium to stand against that evil. You use your abilities to subject and subdue us all for the threat we might pose." I spread my hands wide. "I have merely given you the opportunity to fulfill your duty."
"And I would see it changed," he stated, his eyes drifting over his brethren and the mages.
"See what changed, Ser Barris?" I demanded.
He looked at Solana. He had failed her miserably in the training ring. Too reliant upon his abilities, without them he had left Solana open to numerous attacks, failing to come to her defense. "Our duty."
"To be what, Ser Barris?" I chided. "Jailers? Executioners? Turn us all Tranquil? To just kill us all when we're born and be done with it?"
"No!" He shouted.
"Then what? What is the point of a templar when there is no Circle?"
"You think the world at large will accept free mages overnight?" He threw his hand at Solana. "She coats herself in flames and looks like a rage demon. They would want to kill her!"
"So, let me die," Solana shrugged, "One less mage in the world is one less burden on your shoulders."
"Maker!" He swore as he whipped towards her. "Is that all you think of us?! That we wish you all dead?"
"Dead or jailed," Solana nodded, "The Circle is a glorified prison. Tranquility barbaric. Since I would willingly choose neither, I would be cut down by one of you after being labeled an apostate." Barris opened his mouth to speak, but Solana continued, "Don't give me that 'it's for our protection' nonsense. It's crap. It's a lie you tell yourselves to make what you do to us sound noble. It isn't and never will be." She turned to face them all.
"You steal us from our families, force us to live in a single place all our lives, subject us to the threat of demonic possession to force us to prove we're not dangerous, dictate what we are able to do with our lives, and only the rare few are allowed any privileges at all—and only if we're so lucky as to end up at a more liberal Circle."
"But what of the mages who do need protection?" Barris urged, his hand reaching out to her, begging her to understand, "Those mage children who are abused by their families because they are unwanted? Those who mean no harm, but are hunted for having magic? Those who cannot control their magic? What about those who would cause harm to others—both non-mage and mage alike? Abominations? Demons? Blood mages? Who is supposed to defend against dark magic?"
"Is that what you do?" Solana scoffed, "You're usually too busy watching we who have done nothing wrong to safeguard Thedas at large from the real threats. Or was Kirkwall not enough of an example for you? What about the Conclave? Where were you templars then?" Barris was silent, having no answer. "That's what I thought."
"Then what would you have of us?" Barris questioned.
"To protect us from the real threats, to allow us the basic dignity of living lives outside the Circle, and for the Order to be the people's defenders—the people being mages and common folk alike," Solana breathed, "For the Circle to be refuge to those who need it, a home to those who have no other, and a school to we who need training." She crossed her arms over her chest, looking away from him. "No prison. No Harrowing. No Rite of Tranquility."
"And the mages?" I asked Barris, "What would you have of us?"
He was quiet a moment. "For you not to fear us."
I do not want you to think I am a monster. I looked to the both of them. "And do you think fighting, being unwilling to work together, continuing to distrust each other will ever bring about any of those wants? What has it accomplished today?" They flinched at my tone.
"I single-handedly defeated every one of you because you could not trust each other enough to work together. You fought endlessly against one another only to find the war you so desperately craved left ash in your mouth. No side in this is correct. No solution will be perfect. But nothing will change, nothing will be accomplished, if we do not try to heal this divide."
They met each other's gazes, before looking at me. Barris asked before Solana. "And you, Lieutenant-Commander? What would you have of the mages and templars?"
My gaze flicked between them. Would they be what Cullen and I had dreamed of so long ago? "For both templars and mages to be free from their chains."
Both nodded at me. "We understand."
"Do you?" I demanded.
They both stood straighter, offering a salute. "Yes, Lieutenant-Commander."
"Then I name you, Ser Delrin Barris, Ser Solana Amell, theCaptains of the Reformed Battalion," I gave them both salutes. "May you lead your soldiers true." They gave salutes in return. "Now the real work begins."
Dismissing them, I made my way to Cullen's tower. Finding it empty, I searched through his things until I found an old copy of both his duty and guard rotation rosters. I had observed him filling them out, but now looking over them, I realized how complicated organizing them had to be. Using them as an example, I mapped out the same for the Battalion's duties and training. While I was working through those, Cassandra returned to Cullen's tower.
I looked up from his couch where I sat as she entered. "Talitha," she greeted, "How is Cullen?"
"Still resting," I explained, "but well."
She clasped her hands behind her back. "I should not have left him alone."
How anyone could think Cassandra to be some heartless warrior was beyond me. "Don't blame yourself, Cass," I said, "He wouldn't want you to."
A smirk twisted her lips. "No, he wouldn't. He will not want me to worry after he recovers either. But I will. I'll be overprotective and overbearing, he'll get annoyed, but secretly appreciate it."
I laughed. "That sounds about right."
She laughed sweetly. "And how are you? I saw what occurred in the training ring…you've grown quite powerful."
I shook my head. "Not me, it's the armor."
She crossed her arms over her chest, dark eyes narrowing. "Don't be falsely modest. Magical armor aside, the way you carry yourself now, how you handle your weapons and magic, that is your skill."
My lips twitched. "I may have been doing some extra training in the Fade."
She smirked. "We'll have to spar in the future."
"I look forward to it," I nodded. As she made for Cullen's desk, a thought occurred. "Cassandra," she turned, "I want to truly make changes within the Templar Order and the Circle. I want—if I may be so bold—to do what the Divine was unable to before Corypheus took her life. A chance for peace, for compromise, for permanency." She came to join me on the couch. "I know you seek change as well. I have an idea that I think would set us on the right course and the Battalion would serve as the perfect experiment." I looked to Cullen's desk. "I want Cullen's opinion on it as well, but initially…"
"The Battalion is yours, Talitha," she stated, resting her cheek on her fist as she leaned her arm on the back of the couch, "He entrusted it to you. Not only because he trusts you, but because he believes you are the most capable of leading it. Moreover, I believe he trusted you would figure out a way to bring peace. Not believing himself capable—or worthy—of doing so. You were also named Ambassador to the mages for a reason. Of all the mages within the Inquisition, you were the only one most willing to work with the templars. The only way forward is through compromise. What is it you plan?"
"For starters, I want to reform the Order to include mages amongst the templar ranks," I admitted, weighing her reaction.
She was silent a long moment. "No one will accept that."
"Everyone has accepted the Battalion well enough," I challenged.
She blinked at me in surprise. "Oh, I suppose that did sound like I disagreed, didn't it?" She sighed. "I would support you, I meant only to warn you of the opposition that will come. It will be difficult."
I chuckled. "I'm used to difficult."
Cassandra laughed. "I suppose you are."
I met her dark eyes. "Will you help me?"
A gentle smile spread on her face. "Of course."
We worked for a time discussing a skeletal concept of the foundation to lay through the Battalion and the templars and mages within the Inquisition. Cassandra gave me an overview of the history of the Order and the Seekers, saying we needed to return to their original reason for being brought into existence. Cassandra offered names of who should be included in the discussions, recommending I meet with the templars and mages separately before holding a meeting involving both sides as the Divine had intended nearly a year and a half ago. That done, messages sent, and I thoroughly exhausted, I trudged my way up to our living quarters.
Bathing and changing into a silk chemise and robe before slipping on fur lined slippers, I returned to Cullen's quarters. He was still sleeping, though his color was beginning to improve. Sitting him up, I checked his vitals, fed him and got him to drink some water.
Draping him in a towel, I carefully shaved his beard and trimmed his hair. Cleaning him off, combing his curls, I applied his oakmoss salve to his neck and shoulders. Placing the pots back on his nightstand, I turned to find his eyes upon me. Heat pounded in my cheeks as I registered that he was awake, his honey eyes intense as they looked at me.
"If this is not a dream, then I rather like waking up to you," he murmured as he gave me a sleepy crooked smile. My mouth had gone dry, my tongue sticking to the roof rendering me unable to speak. His hand came to cup my cheek, his fingers sliding beneath my ear. I closed my eyes at his touch. His voice was barely a whisper, "Hello, my darling."
"Hello, my lion," I squeaked, heart racing in my chest, as I met his gaze.
"Thank you," he breathed, his eyelids drooping as his hand started to fall, "for everything."
I took his hand in mine, kissing his calloused palm. "Of course. Rest now."
…
There was a knock on the door of the War Room. I'd been inside since dawn broke, going over all of my notes, everything I wanted to say, everything I thought could happen trying to plan for it all. I'd sworn I'd worn a furrow into the stone floor from the amount of pacing I'd done. I stopped mid-step as Cassandra, Bethany, Ellana and a young man entered the room.
"Talitha," Bethany greeted, "Seeker Cassandra and the Inquisitor believed, after I briefed them, you should meet Ser Wilhelm." Bethany gestured to the man behind her. "Ser Wilhelm is a templar, that, just as Commander Cullen, has stopped taking lyrium."
I looked at Wilhelm in surprise before my heart swelled in sympathy for him. Though he looked far better than Cullen ever had during his withdrawal, it was clear Wilhelm was just as haunted as Cullen by his own nightmares. He offered a salute. "Lieutenant-Commander."
"Ser Wilhelm," I gave a nod. "How are you faring?"
He looked sheepishly at Bethany. "Better now, thanks to Bethany and Seeker Trevelyan."
I raised a brow at Bethany. "What was Elizabeth able to do?"
"Burn the lyrium out of his system," Bethany explained, "After a few days rest, Wilhelm was through the worst of withdrawal."
There was clearly more to that statement than Bethany let on. "What are you trying to tell me?"
"I think a Seeker with Elizabeth's ability could help speed up the withdrawal process, make it less painful and taxing," Bethany explained. "Thus eliminating some of the danger Cullen went through. I was amazed at Wilhelm's turn around after Elizabeth helped him." She looked to the templar. "But he would be better able to explain it."
He shifted, uncomfortable. "The song—the hunger—went from all consuming to manageable. Not that I'm free of pain or the rest of it, but…I don't feel like I'm on the edge of insanity all the time."
"Maker be praised," I breathed.
He met my gaze. "Lieutenant-Commander, I…meant to leave the templars, but…what they've told me you plan to do—having the mages join the Order…that's an Order I'd want to be a part of. Seeker Cassandra says Cullen is trying to use his abilities without taking lyrium…I want to try to," he stated, "The abilities aren't the problem, the lyrium is. Or who controls the lyrium is. If we can use our abilities without it…there's no fear of control. Of abuse." He stood straighter. "I don't know if I'll be any more capable of figuring it out than him, but…we've got to try."
"Thank you for telling me," I smiled at him, "I will pray for your success, in both your endeavors."
He inclined his head before he and Bethany swept from the room.
"I think we should keep this to ourselves for now," I stated, staring at the door. "Until I can speak with Cullen and he can speak with Wilhelm." Ellana and Cassandra agreed.
Nervous, I chewed on my bottom lip, staring at the wicket door of the War Room, the meeting to happen at any moment.
"There's no reason to be nervous," Cassandra assured, "You are doing the right thing."
"I certainly hope so," I mumbled.
"You can do this, Talitha," Ellana nodded. "In truth, you may be the only one who can do this."
Heart leaping into my throat, the others strode into the room. Barris, Henry, Asaala, Amelia, Laren and two templars I had not yet met. Belinda Darrow and former Knight-Captain Briony entered behind the others.
According to Cassandra, Belinda had joined the Inquisition upon its formation, having denounced the Order's decision to split from the Chantry. Since then, she had been utilized by Cullen for various missions and to help train recruits. She was generally well liked for her conviction, problem solving and cheery demeanor.
Briony had come with the templars from Therinfal. While Barris had been working with me and the Battalion, Briony had been leading templars—at Cullen and Ellana's direction—to see to requests throughout Southern Thedas in an attempt to regain trust in the Order. She had stopped the people of Perendale from attacking the mages there who had barricaded themselves inside their Circle and brought them safely to the Inquisition. She had just returned from an extensive investigation into murders of mages in the Wending Wood that led to the uncovering and quelling of a dangerous cell of rebel mages and the rescue of those who needed a way out.
"Oh, Maker, this room is pretty!" One of them spoke with a Starkhaven accent. She was average height and lithe with ginger hair held up in a braid.
"Really, Darrow?" The other chided, her hazel eyes rolling. Briony was tall and brawny, dark brown curls braided down her muscular back. "Are you ever not cheery?"
"You can't tell me you haven't been waiting to get invited in here, Briony? All those times Commander Cullen called us in to give orders? But no, it was always his tower," Belinda sighed.
Briony murmured something under her breath as she crossed her muscular arms over her chest which made Belinda giggle. "See? It's exciting!"
As they stepped up to the War Table, they offered salutes. "Lieutenant-Commander."
"Sers," I inclined my head, "Thank you for coming. I've called you all here, Seeker Pentaghast as well, because I seek to bring true change to both the Order and the Circle. But I alone cannot decide the fate of either entity. I have ideas, things I will not renege on, but ultimately only templars know what needs to change." I spread my hands.
"You all are the templars most dedicated to the Inquisition and its cause. You'll beg our pardon that this has not been seen to sooner. The Conclave and its destruction is what birthed the Inquisition. Attempting to bridge the Mage-Templar divide should have been one of our earliest priorities, but…"
"—But a would-be god in the form of a darkspawn magister got in the way of that," Henry waved a hand, "It's better late than never, Lieutenant-Commander."
My lips twitched. "I'm glad you understand." Clearing my throat as they all waited expectantly, I forged on. "This will be the first of many meetings, but this is your chance to air your grievances…in a far more constructive way than battling it out in the training ring." A few smiles were cracked at that.
"This is also my opportunity to extend an invitation for Darrow and Briony to join the Battalion." I swallowed hard. "For in truth, the Battalion is an experiment, a stepping stone if you will, as it is my intention to reform the Order to include mages amongst its ranks." Shock lit the faces of the Order-born templars, while Asaala, Laren and Amelia showed approval.
"You cannot be serious," Briony argued, "Mages as templars? That is the opposite of the Order's purpose. We are meant to defend against magic, not fight alongside it."
I crossed my arms over my chest. "No, the Order was founded to combat dark magic and all threats to the populace. Blood mages, abominations, cultist, heretics. The original Inquisition, which birthed the Order and the Seekers, rose up to defend against the tyranny of magic that was reigning across Orlais.
"The Inquisitors grew too tyrannical themselves, their zeal for eradicating oppressive magic growing out of control, despite the aid of mages during the First Blight. The Nevarran Accord shifted their focus from hunting mages to defending them from the rest of the populace that was thirsty for mage blood at the fall of the Imperium. We have shifted back. The Order grew tyrannical under the control of the Chantry."
"It was not tyrannical, mage," Briony disagreed, "Magic is dangerous. Those without magic need protecting from it. Those with it need protection from those who fear it, as well as the demons of the Fade who seek to wield them."
"I lived in the Circle and you will not tell me what the Order was and was not," I argued, "I know the value of templars. I was rescued by them as a child when the humans sought to stone me when I accidentally used my magic to defend myself. I was given a home, an education and came to faith in the Maker and Our Lady.
"But it was a prison just as much as it was a home. I was forbidden from leaving, my every day dictated to me, I had not even the freedom to dress as I wished. There was no future for me in the form of marriage or a family, for those things were forbidden from me as well. My life was narrowed down to how I could serve the Circle or the Chantry, my only hope of ever leaving as I knew the was to become a First Enchanter, a Fomari or to become Tranquil. For those of us who are severed from our connection to the Fade are given more liberties than those of us who have it.
"And that isn't even the worst of the tyranny I was subjected to; for those of you who abuse your power over us, our lives are dependent on your whims. For how do we fight back? You have the means to subdue us to do whatever you wish and because you are who stand over us, our word means little. No one is on the side of the mages—not the people, not the Order, not the Chantry."
"Then why not abolish the Order and be done with it?" Barris asked.
I met his green eyes. "Because we need the templars. We need good templars."
"But you've said yourself that you wish to see us rendered incapable of wielding our abilities," he challenged, "To see lyrium usage ended."
"What?" Briony questioned.
I raised a hand. "I said no such thing. Templars need their abilities. Mages cannot dispel magic, cannot fight demons with the same fearlessness, cannot battle maleficarum as you do. I would see your dependence on lyrium ended. To see if you can forego regular usage and the cost that comes with it. At this point in time, we do not know if that is even a possibility. I would only have continual lyrium usage ended if we know it can be done while still allowing templars the ability to dispel magic." I sighed.
"Sadly, I do not think lyrium can be completely removed from the Order." I clasped my hands behind my back. "That said, I know the toll lyrium takes upon the Order…and what it takes from you."
"Our pain has purpose, mage—" Briony began.
"I am Lieutenant-Commander Talitha," I barked, "not 'mage'. Lyrium may have its purpose, Knight-Captain, but it is not without its dangers—no different than magic." She glared at me. "Whomever holds your lyrium leash controls the Order."
"How dare you," Briony spit. "We are the Maker's soldiers! Our duties are sacred!"
"And were mages not created with magic by the Maker?" I challenged. "Is not our magic a sacred gift? It was mages who desired the ability to practice our magic in peace away from society after it had been banned by the Divine, only allowed to be used to keep the Eternal Flame lit."
"And you rebelled, wanting the freedom to use your powers as you pleased," her lip curled, "No different than now. And what has it gotten you?"
"And you abandoned your 'sacred duties' to do what? Kill us all?"
"Enough!" Barris shouted, causing us all to look at him. He was silent a moment. "The Lieutenant-Commander is right."
"Ser Barris," Briony began, but he raised a hand.
"She's right," he said again, "We lost our way. Our brethren submitted to a demon, ingested corrupted lyrium, became monsters all because we wanted blood. We forgot our duty, drunk on power. Will we forget our faith as well? A monster of legend murdered the Divine and most of our brethren and the mages. The Inquisition rose where we fell. Who are we to say that this is not the Maker's will?"
"What, to give mages complete freedom?" Briony asked, exasperated, "Surely not!"
"If we force them back into the Circles, back to imprisonment, we will be right back here in the blink of an eye," he argued, "It has to change. It has to end. This is our one chance to do it."
"The Order had its chance and failed," Laren spoke, "but it can be redeemed. Something new can rise from the ashes. What better way to guard and govern mages than with them at your side?"
"I would no more see a maleficarum, a demon, or an abomination go unchecked than any templar," I stated, "but if I were allowed to guard those who share my burden? Would I not be able to prevent abuse? Discern the truth?
"An autonomous Order comprised of both templar and mage would allow for impartiality. For the mages would hold the templars to account, just as the templars would hold the mages. And defending the innocent from evil would lend credence to mages and their magic. Knight Enchanters are some of the most respected warriors within the Chantry. Why can we not be grafted into the Order to defend the world from dark magic? Why can't magic be used to fight magic?"
"Because you can be possessed by demons, blood magic can manipulate your minds, a mage like yourself can kill someone in their sleep!" Briony shouted, "How can a mage ever be fully trusted?"
"Because our magic is not something we choose, we are born with it," I stated, "It's not a sin, its not an affront to the Maker, its not inherently evil or dangerous. Just as lyrium and its abilities are not inherently good or righteous. Just as there can be evil mages, there can be evil templars. Evil is evil, no matter the power it wields. Are the Red Templars not evidence enough?"
She became silent at that. "They are a scourge upon Thedas. A mockery of the Order. But it was not they who tore open the sky—it was magic."
"And magic sealed it," Barris argued, "Just as magic fought against the Red Templars. Just as magic has fought against the demons pouring out from the sundered Veil. We would not be here if it wasn't for magic, Briony."
"We wouldn't be needed if it wasn't for magic, Barris," Briony argued.
"Then tell me, Knight-Captain," I pinned her down with a look, "What would you do with the Order and the Circles to prevent this from happening again?"
"I…" she crossed her arms over her chest, "I don't know."
"Then can you allow us to try?" I questioned. "The templars of Therinfal joined us as allies. The mages of Redcliffe joined us as allies. All the rest who came before and after joined us because they believe in our cause. Can you at least concede that something has to be done to ensure that we're not back to killing each other once Corypheus is dead? And that there is no better opportunity than here within the Inquisition? If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and we can go back to squabbling all over again."
A smirk twisted her full lips. "I can concede that this is madness, but so is the world, so why not?" She looked to Barris. "Perhaps the Maker's will is in this and I beg His forgiveness if I'm too stubborn to see it."
I laughed. "I think we all can be too stubborn to see His will at times." I looked to the others. "And the rest of you? What are your thoughts?"
"I think you know how we feel," Asaala smirked as she gestured to herself, Laren and Amelia, "We became templars to remind these louts of what they are supposed to be. It's time they got to know the people they claim to protect."
"I'm willing to try," Henry saluted, "I'm tired of this war."
"This sounds fun!" Belinda grinned.
"I see wisdom in your plan," Barris saluted, "I am willing to see what the Maker has in store."
"Thank you," I put a hand to my chest in salute, "Orders will be sent in short order. Your dismissed. Now, it's time to meet with the less stubborn side of this conflict."
They all laughed at that as they filed out.
I ran a hand over my face. "Well, that went about as expected."
"We're all tired of this war," Ellana stated, "They just need someone who's willing to do something about it."
"I pray the Maker is in this," Cassandra murmured, "That we can truly change things. Whatever her faults, it is what Justinia would have wanted."
The wicket door creaked open, Solana entered, holding the door as her siblings filed into the room. Though she had told me their names all those months ago on the ship back to Haven, I could not remember.
The first was the eldest brother. Tall, broad-shouldered and fair-haired with light brown eyes. He offered a small smile before striding to stand at the War Table. Behind him was one of Solana's sisters. She most resembled Solana, the same buttery-blond hair and coffee eyes, but her face was more sultry than Solana's as were her voluptuous curves that rivaled her elder sister's. After her was the only one of them that showed they were related to the Hawke family. A younger man with the same raven hair and lyrium-colored eyes as Marian. He was pretty to look at, not so much as Cullen, but close. Tall and lean, his hair a wild mess of thick waves, he flashed me a mischievous grin. Last, came a young woman with strawberry-blond hair and caramel colored eyes. Lithe and powerful, she prowled like a cat as she joined her siblings.
"Lieutenant-Commander," Solana greeted, "I know you've only met briefly, but these are my siblings."
I nodded to them. "Forgive me for not remembering your names. Much has…happened."
"At ease, Lieu," the younger man dismissed, "Our overprotective sister has kept us out of the battalion until she thought it 'safe' for us to join," he leaned towards me, covering his hand to mock whisper, "She seems to forget that its a contingent of soldiers for an army. It's never going to be safe."
Solana walked up to him and shoved his face back. "That is Marcus, my youngest brother." She gestured to each one in order, starting with the eldest brother and ending with the youngest sister. "Fausten, Serena and Selene." Solana flicked her long braid over her shoulder as she faced me. "They have been training with Cullen's soldiers and on their own time in preparation for joining."
I straightened, folding my arms over my chest. "They're neither mages nor templars, Captain. What do they have to offer the Battalion?"
"About that," Marcus smirked as fire lit in his hands, "We are mages. All of us."
I looked to Solana. She shrugged. "It seems magic runs in our blood. Father never told me and mother…" Solana closed her eyes, "Never got the chance."
"Father hid us away," Fausten explained. "We were apostates. He hired another apostate to teach us how to control our magic." He crossed his arms over his chest. "He couldn't bear to lose any more of his family after Solana and our mother."
The flames of the candles seemed to move with their breathing. "Do you all favor fire?"
"Solana, Selene and I," Marcus explained as he and Selene erupted into flames, swords burning into their hands. "We can do what she can."
"And you two?" I questioned Fausten and Serena. Fausten became a being of lightning. Serena was coated in ice. Both produced weapons of their chosen elements.
"We're also training with Commander Helaine," Serena explained, "We are to become Knight Enchanters."
"And you didn't think to mention any of this, Solana?" I chided, though I had a smile on my face at this welcome surprise.
She smirked. "I wasn't sure the Battalion was going to be worthy of them."
Putting my hands on my hips, I narrowed my eyes. "And is it now?"
"If you're truly trying to change things," Selena stated, "then yes, it is."
I glanced down at the list I'd made of pairings. Scratch that. Letting out a sigh, "As I'm sure Solana has told you, I am pairing all the templars with mages to encourage fraternization." I looked to each of them. "But it will be more than that. When the Battalion is deployed again, the pairs will fight together."
"Fausten, I will pair you with Henry Trevelyan. Serena, with Asaala Adaar. Marcus, you will be with Laren Lavellan. Selene, with Amelia Heeley. Fausten, Serena, and Marcus, you will be the long distance cover to your templars, utilizing your Knight Enchanter training as a contingency. Selene you will be the warrior to Amelia's long distance. Try as we might, Ser Heeley is no good with any weapon besides a bow. She's going to need someone that has her back on the field." They all nodded.
"Though you have not been a part of the Battalion as long as the others, you're the first mages aside from Solana and I to demonstrate the ability to utilize your magic as weapons. Therefore, you'll be tasked with teaching the other mages how to conjure elemental weapons. You'll receive detailed orders in time. You're dismissed."
They saluted. "Ser!"
Once they left, the rest of the mages filed inside while Solana took her place at the table. Fiona entered first, followed by Bethany, Vivienne, Helisma and a mage named Rion, who had been working as an agent of the Inquisition since its founding.
"So, it seems we are to have the Conclave after all, my dear," Vivienne cooed to Fiona, her words dripping with venom, "Whatever shall you do?"
"We were allowed to join the Inquisition as free allies," Fiona stated, "I would listen to what they have to say."
"And if you and your rebels are made to return to the Circles?" Vivienne twisted the knife in deeper.
"Then so be it," Fiona leaned upon her staff.
Vivienne assessed the former Grand Enchanter, "Interesting. I did not expect you to give up so soon."
"Who said she was giving up, Dragon Lady? Or is it Iron Lady?" The man, Rion, called, "What's the point of any of this if we just end up right back where we were? Surely even you can agree to how bad of an idea that is?"
"What a comfort it must be to all those who died, knowing that their suffering was all the more meaningful because it was for the great cause of your freedom," Vivienne curled her lip, "I'm sure that makes everything better."
"Just because you prefer living in a gilded cage, does not mean the rest of us do," Solana hissed.
"Everyone, please," I ordered, "Can you save your squabbling for after I've told you why I've called you together?"
"And why have you, my dear?" Vivienne's deep brown eyes flicked over me. "Such intriguing stories I've heard. Such liberties you've taken with your magic."
"I will not apologize for what I am, Vivienne, but just as you, I recognize the dangers of magic, the necessity of the templars and the Circles," I stated.
Her face remained impassive. "'It pleases me to know you've kept your wits about you despite the power you've gained."
"It is because of that power I believe them all the more necessary."
She inclined her head. "Please, do tell us what is on your mind, darling."
"My fellow mages," I addressed them, "I have called you here to discuss a few propositions. The first being my intention to reform the Order of Templars to include mages amongst its ranks. The second is to reform the Circles into autonomous educational institutions where mages are free to come and go as they please, with the protection of the templars. The third is to establish a refuge for the Tranquil and templars who desire to give up lyrium in Orlais at the former Château de Onterre."
Stunned silence filled the room for a few heartbeats, everyone looking at me as they digested what I had said.
"You know, word was spreading that the Lieutenant-Commander had lost her mind," the male mage, Rion, stated, "Now I understand why. You want to keep the templars and reestablish the Circles? Are you sure you're a mage?"
"Such twists and turns your mind takes, my dear," Vivienne assessed, "Intriguing ideas to be sure. I take it that your ideas of templar and mages fighting together are to be implemented within your battalion as an experiment?"
"They are," I nodded. "The templars have agreed."
Solana and Rion looked at me. "They have?"
"It was not without debate, but in the end, they agreed such a solution could be what is needed."
"Maker," Rion said, "Sign me up for your battalion, Lieutenant-Commander, I think I'm in love. You got the templars to listen to reason?"
"I presented the idea, they decided to try," I corrected, "As for the Circle, I intend for the education to extend to both mages and templars. Templars would be made to learn about magic, the Fade and its denizens as a mage would, not just in how to defend against it. Mages would be made to learn about the Order, lyrium and what templars are meant to do. Fraternization would be encouraged. If we are to live side by side, we will do so as allies, not enemies."
"And the templars who wish to stop taking lyrium?" Bethany questioned.
"The Tranquil?" Solana and Helisma questioned together.
"There are such templars?" Rion questioned.
I nodded. "There are…and I suspect there will be more. They will need a purpose, the Tranquil will still need protection. Templars, even without their abilities, are among the best warriors in Thedas. They would make the best defense for the Tranquil, especially when mages can serve at their side."
"But templars without lyrium could not defeat an abomination," Vivienne argued, "Who would protect the Tranquil from such a threat?"
"Magic can defeat and defend against magic," I stated, "but given that the Tranquil would be more focused upon research and enchantment, the risk of demons being drawn to them would be minimal."
"I think many of the Tranquil would find such a proposal agreeable," Helisma stated.
I gave her a nod and waited for more arguments, but none came. "Then we…are agreed?"
"I daresay it seems the most logical approach," Vivienne agreed, "I do take issue, however, with your wanting to use demons to educate the templars and mages."
I clasped my hands behind my back. "Spirits, not demons. I understand your caution, but it is the fear of the denizens of the Fade that leads to possession."
"As will complacency," Vivienne argued.
"Agreed," I offered, "but we have to start somewhere."
"True enough, but I would ask that trained templars be allowed to reside over these…sessions," Vivienne requested.
"They will be," I assured, "but I am more equipped to deal with them than any templar."
Her eyes were cold. "That remains to be seen, my dear."
I smirked at her. "Ever the optimist, Madam de Fer."
A sharp laugh escaped her. "I admire your cheek, darling."
The meetings with each side seen to, I called them all back in. Ellana, Cassandra and I resided over their discussion. The mages aired their grievances, as did the templars. Both sides expressed what they wanted to see changed, how desperate they were to ensure they were not brought to war again.
The mages, without my prompting, expressed their wish to be included amongst the templar ranks. Stating it was the only way to allow the Order to remain, but keep it from tyranny. They made it known their desire to see the Order independent of the Chantry.
The templars expressed their desire for the Circles to continue, but for neither they or the mages to be bound to them. At the heart of it all, it became apparent that both sides simply wanted freedom. Freedom from fear, from hate, from lives dictated by others.
They wanted to be able to live in peace, serving and protecting side by side. Mages wanted to no longer be feared by the people of Thedas, while the templars no longer wanted to be malignantly feared by the mages. Both sides wanted respect, trust and understanding and the freedom to live.
It came as a shock to the mages that templars had about as little freedom as they did under the Chantry. It came as a shock to the templars the amount of abuse the mages had faced. The meeting descended into the swapping of stories. Stories of failed Harrowings, of the Rite of Tranquility, of those who had been torn from their families silenced the templars. The stories of abominations, blood mages, demons, and dark magics silenced the mages. In the end, they agreed to my plan for the Battalion and the mages and templars within the Inquisition. All agreed that things had to change and within the Inquisition, an entity free of any outside influence, they were at liberty to try.
It was hardly the end of our discussions or debates. There were plenty who were still resistant, but we had a plan for moving forward. Both sides had goals of their own, but a compromise had been reached and, for now, that would have to be enough.
Dismissing all but those part of the Battalion, I checked over the lists I had made. Cassandra had helped me go through Cullen's reports to find some requests that the Battalion could see to while we were in Orlais. A test before they were sent to take out the cells of Venatori and Red Templars.
I went over these with them, directing Barris and Solana as to who would see to what and who would be part of their units. I told them Fenris had sent word indicating that he would most likely not return until after Halamshiral. He was going to meet with Hawke at Griffon Wing Keep and travel back with her. I prayed the elf male had success in whatever he had planned with regards to Marian.
Word had not been heard from Elizabeth. Though, a report had come from the spies in Emprise du Lion that things were quiet but for a small remnant of Red Templars. The spies believed Samson had moved his base of operations.
Together, we made a list of the rest of the mages and templars that would be paired together for the foreseeable future. Trust and team building exercises were planned out. Day to day routines and duty rosters as well, ensuring the mages and templars were given every opportunity to fraternize.
Once that was seen to, Ser was called in to assist in outlining lesson plans. The mages were to learn the history and inner-workings of the Order. But most importantly, to learn about their usage of lyrium and the toll it took upon them.
Though the templars protested at first, I argued that the struggle they endured was much the same as the burden of magic. Mages would never understand the burden the templars chose, just as Templars would never understand the burden mages were born with if the two never talked about it. We were far more alike than we were different and it was time we acted like it.
Barris, Henry, and Ser were tasked with training the mages of the battalion in templar techniques. Henry was able to convince his father to help, the man willing after being subject to the Red Templars. Fiona, Solana, and the other senior mages were tasked with the education of the templars and mages on all things magic and arcane.
When the Battalion was not training, they were to attend lessons—together. In every way possible, I ensured that the divide between mages and templars would be bridged. The meeting was not without its arguments or tension, but in the end, we were able to compromise and agree that we had to try.
Lastly, I dismissed all but Helisma and asked of her what the Tranquil would like to see come of our attempt to reform the Order and the Circle. What Minaeve had intended of the Tranquil within the Inquisition. Helisma expressed their single need to be useful. Though they did not have magic nor would they have the ability to fight, the Tranquil could be craftsmen and researchers.
She urged that in particular some desired the ability to research and experiment with templar lyrium's ability to promote a mage's powers. Some had unwittingly stumbled upon the ability, but had been forbidden from researching it further. She believed it was simply a matter of the amount of lyrium in a templar's blood. Ellana sanctioned such research to be done in secret for now, requesting Dagna to aid them whenever she was able. The meetings concluded, the Battalion now united and focused, I could focus on leading it.
The days passed, consisting of my directing the Battalion in their training, observing the lessons they attended, seeing to the mages, the Tranquil, and the templars. It seemed my tactic of having the Battalion battle it out until they were sick of it worked, as far more quickly than I had anticipated, they took to fraternizing. There was still tension, resistance, hesitancy, but those who were the most desperate for change were the quickest to cross the divide. I thanked the Maker for this bit of hope.
When not seeing to my duties as Lieutenant-Commander and Ambassador, I saw to Cullen. Quickly, Leliana's prediction came true, for at his absence, Skyhold began to fall apart. Requisitions went unmet, guard and duty rotations were mixed up, the soldiers began to squabble, deliveries and supplies weren't received. It became evident that without Cullen, Skyhold was unable to function, for he did the work of at least ten people while also leading our troops.
Ellana began to panic, though she didn't let the others see it, and started pestering me with when I believed he would awaken. She was only one of many, Josephine perhaps the most persistent as she too began to panic about the Winter Palace. The stress of what was coming—both the ball and the inevitable siege on Adamant—began to wear on us all.
Tensions began to peak, arguments with each other breaking out. Sera did her best to ease tensions with harmless pranks. Cole did the same with wholesome acts of kindness, but nothing could ease them entirely.
I escaped as much as I could. Taking to hiding away in Cullen's chambers, nicking many of his books and notes on warfare and battle tactics from his tower to begin applying it to the Battalion. I would speak with Prudence, Purpose, Intent and Perseverance about how better to train its soldiers. With their advice, I began integrating basic military factions into the Battalion.
The first line of defense being spearmen and defenders, consisting of ice, storm and earth mages, those who specialized in barriers and templars wielding spears, swords and shields. Next, the infantry: Knight Enchanters, battlemages, and templar foot soldiers. Artillery in the form of fire and storm mages alongside the templar marksmen. To Master Dennet's delight, a small cavalry, but with a few mages who could shape-shift added in to their ranks. Finally, field medics to see to the injured.
Barris and Henry helped me with the finer details, Solana requesting that we seek out those in the ranks who could be taught specialized magics like the rift magic Solas wielded, shape-shifting, arcane warriors, and to test again who could be Knight Enchanters. There were still few who could wield their magic as Solana, her siblings and I could, but I prayed with learning templar techniques, that would change.
At the spirits' advice and with the mages' agreement, I urged them to train in the Fade in their free time. They would have to use lyrium, but such exercises would allow them extra training to help them catch up with the templars. When I was able, I took them into the Fade, lessening the need for lyrium.
The spirits who knew how to fight were only too happy to oblige and I would patrol the Fade to ensure there was nothing to fear. Purpose and Faith went so far as to invite other spirits—Valor, Courage and Duty—to help with training. With my powers and the armor strengthening them, I was able to keep any fear of demons at bay.
Despite the tensions within Skyhold being high, I felt the shift in the Battalion as both sides began to learn more about the other. It would not improve overnight, but I praised the Maker for any sign of improvement. Too much was at stake, too much was coming for the Battalion to fall apart again on the field.
The Battalion would be needed to face the corrupted versions of themselves. I could only guess what our enemy would accomplish while our hands were tied waiting on the outcome of the nobility of Orlais. How many of the Grey Wardens would fall? How many more templars corrupted with red lyrium? What else were they planning? Were there still spies amongst us?
These thoughts were rolling around in my head as I made my way to Cullen's chambers for the evening. Dressed for bed, a mug of coffee in my hand, reports and notes under my arm, I was startled as I opened his door. Sera and Dorian were inside, a well of ink in Sera's hand as she stood over Cullen, an evil smile on both their faces. Her finger, wet with ink, halted over Cullen's face. Both of them met my gaze.
"Enjoying the view are we?" I quirked a brow.
Sera's face crumpled up. "If you like angry beefcakes with dangly bits."
Dorian snorted, "What I think our poetic friend means is she does not share your appreciation for strapping young templars." His grey eyes met mine full of mischief.
"She thought it would give the soldiers a laugh if our esteemed Commander greeted them with a handsome ink mustache."
"The lip worm was your idea, Vinty," Sera blew a raspberry. "I wasn't gonna be near as boring."
Dorian tipped his head, letting out a dramatic sigh of long-suffering. "True, I did sway you from drawing obscenities and anatomical diagrams upon his face."
I let out a sigh, glaring at Sera. "Really?"
Sera gave me a wicked smile, Dorian's lips curling up in a smug grin. "What? The ink would have only been enchanted to last a week or so. Would hardly wish to call Josephine's wrath upon my head."
Holding the door open with my foot, I gestured to the hallway with my head. "Out."
Dorian gave a flourishing bow. "As you wish."
Sera was trying to get one doodle in while she thought me distracted. "Sera."
"Oh, fine. You're no fun," she pouted, "You both need to loosen up."
I chuckled. "I'm all for pranks, Sera, just not on his face."
She snorted. "What'd really do it for your Cully-Wully is a roll in the sheets, Princess. Lots of men under him, needs a woman over him," she waggled her eyebrows at me, "Because positions."
Dorian laughed heartily. "I daresay Cullen wouldn't know what to do with himself."
"Literally," Sera cackled.
"Get out," I hissed, my face burning, as they laughed merrily.
I glanced at Cullen where he slept upon his bed as I lowered myself into the armchair next to him. While I wanted him to get as much rest as he could, I, too, was growing anxious for him to awaken. I wanted his opinion on the Battalion, on what I had planned for the mages and templars, on so many things. And if I was honest with myself, it was growing difficult to see to him and my duties, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be with him.
But I had to admit to some nervousness when he finally woke up. What would he think of me? Of how I had changed? Of my being in his mind, if he remembered? Of all that I had done with the Battalion? The spirits aiding us? Would he be angry? Or worse, afraid?
"Don't take up my bad habits, Meira," Cullen's voice murmured, "You need sleep."
I met his eyes. He was laying on his side, a sweet smile on his face as he looked at me. A blush crept into my cheeks at the adoration lighting his bronze gaze. "I'm getting my sleep vicariously through you."
That lopsided grin pulled his scar and I was thankful to be sitting, for it would have made me weak at the knees. "I don't think it works that way."
I waved a hand dismissively. "I'll be fine."
He chuckled. Thinking he had gone back to sleep, I was unprepared when he grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. His books hit the floor with a thud, papers scattering. My heart stopped and then started racing as he rolled the covers back to tuck me beneath them, hugging me to him.
"Cullen," I breathed.
"Shh, Meira," he murmured as he caressed my nose with his own, "Go to sleep."
His heart strong beneath my hands, his arms the safest place I could be, I closed my eyes. Tears pooling, a shaky breath of relief at his being well escaping me, he hushed me as he held me tighter.
"Sleep, love," he whispered as I buried my face in his neck.
Despite the butterflies in my stomach, despite my nerves, all that laid outside his room could wait. As his warmth seeped through my skin, I slipped into dreams full of he and I walking hand in hand in the valley I'd created in the Fade.
…
I awoke in Cullen's arms, my back molded to his chest. I turned to find him fast asleep again. A smile tugging my lips, I rolled in his arms to place a hand on his cheek and brush my lips against his scar. He didn't wake, so I slipped from his arms.
Leaving his room, I climbed the stairs to my chambers and changed into a tunic dyed a deep blue with a high neck, tucking it into matching leather leggings. I pulled on a coat that fell past my hips, trimmed in gold. Belting it around my waist with leather that had a large design at the middle of the Inquisition's symbol, I pulled on a pair of knee-high boots. Eating a small breakfast, I made my way down to the main hall.
I went about my day, seeing to training drills, checking in with the mages and discussing a report with Helisma before going to the infirmary to see after a couple of soldiers that had been injured during practice the day before.
The two laughed about the incident, retelling the story with far more embellishment than was warranted, but I laughed along with them. As the sun began to dip, I made my way towards Cullen's tower to speak with Cassandra. The woman had proven capable in continuing the troops training, perhaps even more strict than Cullen, but the soldiers missed their Commander. I wanted to see how she was faring, but as I approached the main gate, I stopped.
The Lavellan clan had returned, evident by Ma, Da and the rest of my family standing just beyond the gate. But that was not what had stopped me. Next to Ma stood two women with golden curls and amber eyes. Mia and Rosalie had come to Skyhold. Ma caught my eye and waved me over. Swallowing thickly, I made my way to them. With each step, his sisters studying me curiously, doubt grew up my spine.
'What if they don't accept you? Will he leave you?'
Be silent. You hold no sway. You have no power. Stay in your shadows and keep your mouth shut.
They were both beautiful in their own way. Mia favored Cullen in shared features, her face handsome. Rosalie was striking in her beauty. Their gazes flicked over me at my approach.
"Lieutenant-Commander Talitha," Ma greeted once I was near enough and I saw the womens' brows raise as they exchanged a glance, "Perhaps you can help these ladies?"
I inclined my head to them. "How may I be of service?"
Mia shifted on her feet, but met my eye. "I am Amelia Rutherford. This is my sister, Rosalie. We are Commander Cullen Rutherford's sisters." She clenched her hands in her grey woolen dress before relaxing them and smoothing the wrinkles.
"Less than a week ago, we received word that he had been injured. We traveled day and night by hired carriage as it was unknown when he'd recover. Is he…"
"He is out of danger now, just resting," I assured.
Mia's shoulders dropped in relief. "Thank the Maker." Her eyes assessed me. "May we see him?"
"Of course," I gestured for them to follow me. "Thank you, Elolora."
Ma nodded, patting a sleeping Fioren. I led Mia and Rosalie to the upper bailey, up the main stairs, through the main hall and up to the living quarters. I asked one of the attendants to gather their things and see to rooms for the sisters before leading them through Cullen's door. He was asleep on his stomach, hair a wild mess, an adorable snore escaping his lips. I fought the urge to giggle as his sisters went to his side.
Tears were in Mia's eyes as she met my gaze. "What happened to him?"
I cleared my throat. "That is a story for him to tell."
"But surely you know?" Rosalie questioned, her pure amber eyes piercing, "For you are his Talitha, are you not?"
"That…is for him to say as well," I muttered.
"Don't be coy," Dorian's voice cooed as he stuck his head inside the room, "She's his sweetheart. Plans to marry her. It's all been sickeningly sweet."
Mia and Rosalie looked at me a long moment before exchanging a glance. Fast as lightning, Mia strode across the room and wrapped me in a crushing hug. She smelled of sunshine and fresh air, the scent reminding me of Cullen and I's son in Desire's illusion. Her hug fierce and unyielding like Minaeve's had been that last night in Haven when I'd thanked her for helping bring Cullen and I together. Bittersweet sorrow sprung in my chest.
"You owe me," Dorian whispered low enough only I would be able to hear before leaving the room.
Mia leaned away from me, one hand on my shoulder, the other wiping the tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry," she apologized, "I just…I'm so glad he has you. He won't tell me anything, but I know you're important to him and that you've helped him these last few months."
"Please," Rosalie begged, her angry demeanor falling away to reveal how afraid she had been for her brother, "Will you tell us everything he won't?"
I looked between them. Looked to Cullen. "I want to tell you, I do, but it's not my place." Their faces fell. "All I will say is that your brother has been through much to get back to you. And he…feels unworthy of you. Unworthy of much." I met Rosalie's eyes. "And nothing could be further from the truth."
Rosalie studied me. "Did he feel the same in regards to you? You say he feels unworthy and yet your friend knows our brother plans to marry you." Anger was rising again—no, not anger, jealousy. "He wastes no time in his relationship with you, but us? His family? He still keeps at a distance. It seems his priorities are as confused as ever."
"Rose," Mia scolded.
"I will not apologize for my relationship with your brother. I love him. He is the best man I have ever known.
"You resent him for the choices he's made, that is between you and the Maker. He can't change the past. He can't make you forgive him. Only you can heal your relationship." She opened her mouth to speak, the fierceness in her eyes so like Cullen's, but I kept going.
"He has gone through more than any one person should. I would ask that you give him the chance to be the brother he hasn't been able to be these last ten years." She closed her mouth. Turning to leave, I said, "I'll leave you be."
A hand clasped onto my own. "Don't go," Mia's voice pleaded. I met her gold-flecked eyes before looking to Rosalie. There were tears in her eyes now. "Please."
I kept looking at Rosalie, the tears slipping down her beautiful face. "I just want my brother back."
"Fearless, proud and strong, he greets the templars. Don't go. Don't go! Cries tear from my throat, tiny hands reaching out for him. My chest hurts, is this what it feels like when your heart breaks?" Cole's voice speaks as he appears standing before Rosalie, her eyes wide in shock.
"Monsters growl and roar as our feet run as fast as they can carry us. Father at our backs, yelling at us to hurry. To run. Mother lets out a cry of pain, falling.
"We stop. We turn. An arrow. So much red. Father cries out for her. She places something in Mia's hand before shoving her away. Father cradles Mother to his chest. 'Go', he roars. We don't stop running, just like the tears. He said he'd protect us. Where are the templars?" Rosalie was sobbing.
"Years without word. Is he dead? Mia tracks him down. No, not dead. We're just forgotten. Kirkwall. Mother and Father are dead. We're barely scraping by. And he's in Kirkwall. I hate him." Cole took her hands. I raised my brows in shock. I'd never seen the boy touch anyone.
"Another arrow. More red. He's gone. And this time it was a templar's arrow. He claims he thought the boy was a mage and I, in trouble.
"The knight removes his helmet, hungry eyes roving over me as he removes his sword belt. I slip the dagger into my hand. Blade pierces flesh, now the red is on me. This is what Cullen wanted to be?" He handed her a flower. A rose.
"Inquisition. Cullen's their Commander. He left the templars. He's in Fereldan. What does it mean? Surely, he'll come. Haven destroyed. Cullen might be dead. Maker, please no.
"Mia and Bran are hugging someone. I gasp. He turns. He looks like Father, smiles like Mother. Calls me 'Rose'. But his eyes. They're full of sorrow, uncertainty and pain. So much pain. The hate washes away, but I can't forgive him; not that easily." Cole looked into her eyes.
"I watch him. Still fearless, proud and strong. His soldiers respect him. Someone loves him. He's desperate to have us back, even if he won't admit it.
"I'm hurting. He hurt me. Maker, I'm scared to let him do it again. Then he's gone and my chest hurts anyways. How do I do this?" The boy lead her to Cullen, now on his back, stirring.
"The words say he's injured. Fear curls in my belly. Mia says she's going to Skyhold with or without me. Maker, let him be alright." Cole took Cullen's hand and put it in Rosalie's.
"You don't need to feel bad about being angry. He understands. He just wants to be part of the family again, but he's scared too."
Cullen's eyes fluttered open and he blinked. It took him a few moments to focus, confusion on his face as he recognized his sister. "Rose?"
Rosalie tackled him in a hug as she sobbed. "You idiot."
Cole walked towards Mia. "They'll be alright now. You can stop worrying. They're proud of you. They know Father and Mother would be too." With that, Cole disappeared.
"Who in the name of Andraste's pyre was that?" Mia asked, her voice thick.
I chuckled. "That would be Cole, our resident spirit of compassion." I looked to where Cullen had wrapped his arms around Rosalie, stroking her back. His eyes met mine, a burning intensity in them that made me squirm on the inside. "I'll leave you be."
A weight lifting off my shoulders as I closed the door, I was startled to see Solas coming out of Ellana's room. He seemed just as startled to see me.
"Talitha," he greeted.
"Solas," I nodded.
"I trust all is well with the Commander?" He raised a brow.
"He is recovering," I stated. "Where is Ghilani?"
"She was with the Lavellan clan. She seems to have taken a liking to Camlen as she was playing with him and Mahanon," Solas explained.
"And how is Ellana?" I probed.
His lips twitched, his eyes enigmatic. "As intriguing as ever. If you'll excuse me."
I watched him walk down the hallway. "Solas," he turned his head slightly, "I'm glad you're back."
"I could hardly abandon you all now," his mouth twisted in a smirk with his cryptic remark. "By the way, Master Tethras was looking for you. He wanted to invite you to the tavern with the others this evening for a game of Wicked Grace."
"Thank you for telling me," I muttered as I crossed the hall to Ellana's room.
Knocking on the door, I walked inside as she called for me to enter. I realized I had never been in her room. Light woods, gauzy curtains, and the colors of the forest greeted me. Shining golds fluttered on balmy breeze curling in from the door open to a large balcony. The scent of rain was on the air, indicating a storm was coming. I prayed the magic of Skyhold would keep the worst of it at bay.
Ellana leaned against a stain glass window that depicted a Dalish tale. She swirled a glass of wine in her hand, her coiled hair in a thick braid down her back. She wore a simple tunic of deep crimson with a plunging neckline tucked into dark leather leggings, her feet bare. She turned to look at me as I entered the room, a soft smile on her face.
"I take it you've settled things, then?" I questioned.
She smiled wider. "We kissed. He told me he loves me."
My brows shot up. "What?"
She gestured for me to sit on the bed and poured me a glass of wine. Sitting together, taking a moment to just be sisters. She told me what had happened. Told me everything of their relationship prior to this pronouncement.
Again, I was struck by the passion Solas kept so well hidden. I would never have guessed the depths of his feelings for Ellana without her telling me. Then she described their second kiss with a deep blush on her face.
"I was not expecting him to say he loves me," she murmured, "but I guess he sorted out whatever he needed to while he was away." She met my eyes. "Speaking of which, will you tell me what happened at the temple now?"
Letting out a breath, I confessed the whole of it to her. Every detail. Everything I would tell Cullen and everything I wouldn't.
When I told her of Desire's temptation, she held me as I cried. When I told her about the armor, anger burned in her eyes for the fate of the elves, for the blasphemy of the Tevinter who had tried to recreate Andruil's armor. I told her what I could of what happened in Cullen's mind, giving her the details that pushed my drive to reform the Order and the Circle.
Night had fallen by the time we had finished speaking of it all. Ellana said she was going to join the others in the tavern for Wicked Grace. She invited me and since Cullen's sisters were here now, I agreed.
I left her room to let her change. Approaching Cullen's door, I heard them deep in conversation on the other side, so I decided not to intrude. As much as I wanted to see him, they needed time together.
Nerves flitted in my belly at the thought of seeing him. Whenever he looked at me now, there was an intensity that burned. It had always been clear that he was attracted to me physically, but now…now his gaze seared with want. What I felt in the Fade, everything he thought and felt about me.
I swallowed hard. He had told me he wanted to do this properly. That he wanted to give me everything. But now…Is he going to want to take things further? Despite how I want him, am I really ready for that?
Heat crawled into my cheeks. I thought of being with him that way, really thought about it. More than I had ever allowed myself before.
The stirrings of want rolled into nausea. I swallowed it down and pushed the thoughts away. It had been easy to do in the Fade, knowing it wasn't real, but here…
The door opened behind me. His sisters stopped abruptly before turning so I could go in if I wanted.
"He's asleep again," Mia stated, "but he wanted to see you. I'm guessing he'll wake up for good after tonight. We thought we'd turn in for the evening. We're fairly exhausted ourselves."
I flagged down an attendant as they exited my chambers, most likely turning down the bed. I instructed them to see Mia and Rosalie to their rooms in the guest quarters. As they left, I looked to Cullen's door.
Those nerves flitted again and I, like a coward, let him sleep. Working my way to the tavern, Ghilani ran to me. She kept her head down and when I kneeled to her, she licked beneath my jaw.
I petted her behind her ears. "I missed you, too."
She trotted off at that and I entered the tavern. It was loud and busy, the most noise coming from the large table that sat Ellana and most of the inner circle, Solana and Barris. Laughter, obscenities, groans of defeat and a shout of victory all echoed from where they sat. As I entered, my eyes fell on Maryden as her's fell on me. She began to sing.
"Find me still searching for someone to lead me," she sang, "Can you guide me to the revolt inside me? Promise surviving The Breach? Promise surviving the Breach in the sky?
"Templar igniting fire inside me. Maker, remind me. Gone are the days of our peace. Now, we reside in the great divide. No promise surviving the Breach in the sky."
She had sung the song before. Cullen had tried to dance with me to it before Solana stole me away. I joined the others, a seat open next to Solana.
"You know, word is going around that Maryden wrote this song about you and Cullen," Solana murmured in my ear as she leaned on my arm.
As Maryden repeated the song a few times, my ears burned as I wondered if she had indeed written it about us as much as the Inquisition as a whole. It could be taken to speak of the both of us, but it hardly did Cullen justice if was about him.
Finished she moved on, "Samson templar fame, raise your shield of fame," I felt Solana stiffen, boos erupting through the tavern and she joined in, "Samson's letter caught, left unfought defamed. Armor laced with blood shall reclaim his name. Samson's broken heart shall revoke his claim. Samson knight in red, he hath lost his way. Samson martyr rage, soon the world will pay."
More boos sounded and requests shouted for an upbeat tune. Maryden bowed and obliged.
"Sera was never an agreeable girl—" Sera herself blew a raspberry at Maryden, "Her tongue tells tales of rebellion. But she was so fast, and quick with her bow, no one quite knew where she came from.
"Sera was never quite the quietest girl—her attacks are loud and they're joyful. But she knew the way of nobler men, and she knew how to enrage them. She would always like to say, 'Why change the past, when you can own this day?'"
The entire tavern joined in on the song, couples dancing. The more drunk amongst the tavern goers getting on top of the tables to dance to the song, feet thumping in beat.
"Today she will fight, to keep her way. She's a rogue and a thief, and she'll tempt your fate." I joined in, clapping along.
"She would always like to say, 'Why change the past, when you can own this day?' Today she will fight to keep her way. A rogue and a thief, and she'll tempt your fate.
"Sera was never quite the wealthiest girl—some say she lives in a tavern. But she was so sharp and quick with her bow—arrows strike like a dragon." Several roared like dragons, causing Sera to snort with laughter.
"Sera was never quite the gentlest girl—her eyes were sharp like a razor. But she knew the ways of commoner men, and she knew just how to use them."
I leaned over to Solana, "How many verses are there?"
Solana was laughing, Sera on top of the table making obscene gestures at Maryden as she danced drunkenly. "No idea!"
"She would always like to say, 'Why change the past, when you can own this day?' Today she will fight to keep her way. She's a rogue and thief, and she'll tempt your fate," Maryden continued, "She would always like to say, 'Why change the past when you can own this day?' Today she will fight to keep her way. She's a rogue and a thief, and she'll tempt your fate."
The tavern exploded with applause as Maryden finished, giving a sweeping bow at the same time Sera did. Requests roared for her to sing it again. Maryden obliged, but Sera sat back down.
"Right, we playin' or?" Sera demanded.
"Alright, deal us in, Hero," Varric asked Blackwall.
The Warden dealt everyone their hands before placing his bet.
"I'm afraid I've lost enough money," Dorian sighed, "but I'll gladly watch the rest of you lose."
Cassandra made a noise of disgust before she folded her hand and stood. "As have I. I need to return to my duties as it is. It was not my intention to play."
"Hide your shame, Seeker, hide your shame," Varric called, tossing in a few coins.
"Ready to fill my purse?" Bull stared the others down as he threw in his coin. "Gotta keep the Chargers happy on the road to the Storm Coast."
Ellana, Solana, and Barris added their coins. Varric looked to me, "Well, are you in?"
"I've never actually played Wicked Grace," I admitted.
Roars of protest and horror went around the table, but Varric chuckled. "Don't worry, you'll pick it up in no time."
Cole picked up some of the money. "So shiny!"
"Alright, who's starting?" Varric asked around the table. "Coin isn't the only thing on the table."
I looked to Ellana, who sat on my other side. "What does he mean?"
"If you play, you have to tell a story or a secret," she smiled wickedly, "And it's got to be good or you lose your clothes."
"What?" I raised my brows.
She waved a hand dismissively. "It's Varric's rule. We hardly need money, but juicy gossip? That's worth its weight in gold. No one's ever lost their clothes—it's just a threat to make sure you offer something good."
I nodded. "And if you're bad at this game?"
She shook her head. "No need to worry. The clothes rule applies to stories and gossip only. You can always fold to get out of both." I breathed a sigh of relief. "I've got one for you," Ellana began, addressing Varric, "The clan decided to camp near this ruined fortress, right on the edge of Tirashan. Dark as the bottom of a well. The Keeper swore up and down it was safe, but some of the hunters started hearing noises in the middle of the night…"
Ellana proceeded to spin a tale of the hunters of the Lavellan clan stumbling upon a young couple in the throngs of a rather arduous session of lovemaking. At first, they had been afraid it was demons or ghouls the way the couple had been carrying on. When Mahanon and Laren realized what was behind the noise—and that it was a couple of shemlens—they hatched a plan to frighten the poor couple half to death. Roping Ellana in so she could use her magic, together they made the couple think they were under attack by demons.
"They ran out of there, fast as you think, bare butts shining in the moonlight," she described, animatedly, "The whole way back to their village."
Varric laughed as did everyone else. "Not bad! You don't mind if I steal that one, do you?"
"By all means," Ellana offered, waving a hand.
Each told a story, more scandalous or erotic than the last. My cheeks burned. All eyes fell to me when I was the last to share.
"What about you, Iris?" Varric questioned. "Anything worth sharing?"
"Tell us about the temple," Solana demanded, brown eyes sparkling.
"Tell us about the spirits," Ellana requested.
"Oy, Princess, what we all really want to know is if you've deflowered your Cullen-Wullen yet?" Sera sneered, clearly drunk. "Bet he shouts 'Andraste's knickers' when he does it!"
"Sera," Ellana warned.
Sera stuck her tongue out. "What about you, Inky? Did he shout 'elven glory'?"
Blackwall's booming laugh echoed through the tavern. Bull kicked Sera's chair out from under her, causing her to toss over. She wrenched herself up, her and Bull seeing who could curse the other out better.
Sera slammed her hand down and leaned towards me, "If you haven't, ain't it about time you let General Uptight unwind?"
Everyone was silent as Sera and I stared each other down. I folded my cards and stood, "I fold. If you'll excuse me."
"Oy, wot was that for?" Sera hissed at someone as I walked away.
I worked my way out of the tavern, memories of Cullen and I in the Fade sprang up unbidden and I felt an overwhelming sense of duplicity. I had willingly submitted to sex with an imaginary version of him, justifying it by knowing it wasn't real. It had been easy, enjoyable, wonderful because it wasn't real. It was an illusion, perfect, without either of our pasts being involved. It had been what it should have been—what I desired.
But here? With the real him? As much as I wanted him, the thought terrified me. The thought of him seeing my scarred body, trying to find pleasure in it only to find it didn't respond like it should, of him being disappointed by it, made me sick to my stomach.
Solana had assured me he wouldn't react negatively. Encouraged me to talk to him, to tell him I was scared. But she didn't understand what I was afraid of.
It wasn't just because I had no idea how to 'make love' or because of what I had gone through. I was afraid to tell him that I wanted to be his wife first. I'd asked him to court me, I'd told him I wasn't ready, he'd assured me he would wait, had even assured he intended to marry me.
But I had not told him, plainly, that I wanted—I needed—that commitment ahead of sexual intimacy. That I craved the assurance, the trust, the safety offered in it. But even simpler than that, perhaps even childish to some, I wanted the wholesomeness of being courted and married before being taken to bed. It was what I had desired even before being used against my will by another for their own selfish and sadistic satisfaction. And after…I could not bear the thought of being used again.
I walked to the stone steps leading up to the battlements and sat, tears wetting my eyes. The tears came because I feared that in wanting that, in needing that, I was being selfish. That through it, I was somehow not trusting him, not loving him as he deserved.
I had felt the deepening of our relationship within the Fade. Knew how much he wanted me. In making him wait, in asking for him to be bound to me beforehand, was I expecting too much?
I'd already been used. There was no getting back what had been taken. But I knew once we crossed that line, there would be no going back, and I could not bear the thought of being so intimately vulnerable with him without an assurance beyond words that I meant more than what could be gained from me physically. Will he understand?
"Mind dancing between dreams and hopes, I take her in my arms," Cole's voice murmured beside me, "Body longing for her—for hers. Hands wander her, marveling, she cries out my name and I'm nearly undone. Surely, I am dreaming." Warmth bled into my skin as he leaned on my shoulder.
"He thought he was dreaming. Just like you were dreaming. It's easy in dreams because it's not real. There's no consequences, no past or future. It's just a dream."
Arms wrapped around me, gentle and understanding. Ellana's spiced citrus and floral scent. Solana's cinnamon and vanilla. I melted into them.
"Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for waiting," Ellana growled.
"I'm sorry if what I said made you think in any way that I thought you needed to be with him before you're ready," Solana murmured before she leaned back from me, eyes searching my face. "Only you know what you need."
"I need commitment, assurance, safety…" I began, my voice shaky, "to know that I am so much more than a body to be used for someone else's satisfaction," I whispered as I looked at the two of them. "But I fear it would make him think I don't trust him or somehow say I don't love him as deeply as I do." I pressed my face into my knees. "And I feel vile for it."
"Oh, Meira," they both said as they hugged me again.
"I want…I want to marry him before I…we…," I buried my face in my hands, "But isn't that selfish? I'm damaged goods."
"Don't talk like that," Ellana hissed, "Don't you ever think so little of yourself."
Tears burned in my eyes at her words. "But I…it's the truth."
"No, it isn't," Solana challenged, "Whatever the past, he is your now. It's new. A clean slate. A fresh start. Being with him will be nothing like what happened before. And you deserve to have it happen as you need it."
"Belly tangled in knots. I want him, but I'm scared, so scared. I know what I need…will he wait? Be willing? How do I tell him? Will he think I don't trust him? That I don't love him?" Cole summarized the thoughts racing through my mind.
"The center never changed. Running my thumb over the cool metal, I tell them everything. All I can bear to tell them. I tell them about Meira. Everything I can.
"They ask what she means to me. The center never changed. What does she mean? Everything. I can't be him without her. I can't be without her. But will she still want me? Forever? After everything?"
Slowly, I raised my head and looked at him. "What are you saying, Cole?"
"He doesn't want to take, he wants to give. Give you everything. That's what you see when he looks at you," he murmured, "The words you spoke to him ring like bells, a song playing over and over in his mind.
"Loving you means shouldering your every burden, your every pain, your every fear. Loving you means holding your hand through every failure, every success. Loving you means praying for your every dream, your every hope. Loving you means challenging you, supporting you, caring for you, comforting you and seeking only that which is best for you.
"How do I show her?"
Those words washed over me like a balm. Had I not doubted before? And these were the very words he'd spoken to comfort me.
"It sounds like you have nothing to fear," Ellana assured.
"Like I said," Solana put a hand on my shoulder, "You just need to talk to him."
"He wants you. Not you. He wants Meira. Darling. Beloved," Cole handed me an iris. "You don't need to be afraid."
I nodded and they left. I angrily wiped my tears away for being such a fool. Cullen loved me. He would never hurt me. He wanted to marry me. And I knew he would wait if I asked, but as to it being selfish, they were right: the only way to know would be to talk to him.
The days ahead would be busy with the Battalion and no doubt with Cullen's recovering, Josephine would call for a meeting to discuss Halamshiral. We had already spoken to some degree and fittings had begun for our outfits. Things would begin moving quickly and there would be little time for personal matters.
I made my way back up to the living quarters. I knocked on Cullen's door, entering when I heard no answer. I found him asleep again.
Hesitantly, I sat upon the bed, running my fingers through his hair. "Cullen?"
No answer. His forehead was damp beneath my fingertips. I noticed his breathing change before he began to twitch and murmur.
"Leave me," he mumbled.
The nightmares had returned. Oh, my lion. "Cullen, shh…you're dreaming."
He whimpered, but didn't wake. He continued to twitch and talk as he slept, his breathing quick. I sat against his headboard, gently pulling his head into my lap. I continued to comb my fingers through his hair, shushing him and humming to him.
I poured a little magic into my fingers, feeling him just beyond the Veil. He faced his nightmares, but I helped him to feel that he was not alone. He stilled beneath my hands, calming.
I couldn't bear waking him from this last bit of sleep. Our conversation would have to wait. My fingers in his hair, his breathing steady, his body warm, I drifted off to sleep.
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