They took an Uber to the Oregon Museum of Science and Innovation, where Alex met them with Ellis. Swapping kids was almost too easy, because Bailey and Zola were both bursting to give him a rundown on their walk, while Ellis proved more than eager to help her mom with other bursting issues. By the time she'd been fed, Meredith already had half a dozen texts from Alex with pictures of the other two exploring the hands-on activities.
She'd picked OMSI out of several possible children's museums partially because they had an area dedicated to the 0-24 month-old crowd. Ellis being at the far end of the bracket didn't stop her head from bobbing in the carrier as soon as she could hear other babies. There weren't a slew of them on a random February weekday, but a pair of twins were crawling around in the baby-sized ball pit, and a dad was reading to a toddler in the tent standing in for the literacy-area while it was being rebuilt. The fish tank was the main draw, but Meredith was pretty sure if she sat them in front of it for very long one of them would doze off, and it would not be the baby entranced by new colors.
"There is a world where your dad was absolutely one of those annoying tropical fish guys," she told Ellis, sliding down against a wall lined with rattles and bells and other noise makers. "I saw it in him the day we took your siblings to the aquarium. A gene that was a hair's breadth from getting triggered. You might have it. I'm protecting you here. Yeah, I am."
Meredith had to admit, she'd be very sad when she couldn't get a smile from someone in her life from saying anything she wanted in the right tone of voice. She took Ellis out of the sling and propped her on her bent legs. The baby kicked happily. Using physicality to communicate early on was something they'd started late with Zola, only discovering sleepsacks through an offhand-mention from Arizona during Operation Crib. But with Bailey they'd used his swaddle to let him know it was nap-time, or play-time, or meal-time. It seemed to help him with some of the baby sign they'd used, too. He'd started squeezing his fist for "milk" at seven months, as early as possible with his motor development.
For Ellis, this position had unintentionally come to mean talking-time, and she began powering through the sounds she'd mastered. One of the twins —who looked to be about eight months; small, but pretty mobile, and some preemies caught up in skills before size—let out a long, shriek of laughter. Ellis pressed her cheek against Meredith's legs, trying to look.
"You hear that other guy? What's he saying? It might not be your business, but you sometimes have to make it your business, I'm glad you see that."
Ellis smiled, cooing and gurgling her perspective on a morning with Alex. Every time another kid's voice rose to prominence over the constant echoey buzz and the happy shrieks coming from the water play area, she stopped, her head turning.
"You like those sounds. Let's see if you like these." Meredith turned Ellis to face the wall of bells and rattles. She shook a line of jingle bells lightly, and Ellis arced in surprise, her arms flapping like C-3PO encountering a glitch. "Oh, we have a fan."
After a few more jingles and taps, Meredith picked up the mallet connected to the wall and started tapping out a rhythm on the bells. "I kept percussion playing on the skills and interests section of my resumé, but until recently, I only used it doing stuff like this." she told the baby. "I got pretty good on Bailey's xylophone. It's not super transferrable to the OR."
That wasn't quite true, was it? Tracking rhythms was important, and she'd definitely benefited from her sense of timing. That'd been essential to being a resident, being the attending's backup. It'd also been part of how she stayed in sync with Derek during the tumor trial.
"I'm going to tell you now the real saying is 'all roads lead to Rome. 'Tutte le strade portano a Roma,' so if you grow up thinking it's 'all thoughts lead to Daddy,' you can't blame me." she said, and then ran the mallet along a row of bells to produce a scale. If Ellis's legs has been holding her up, she would've been bouncing. Meredith picked a tune out, and then winced. "Never tell Alex." Ellis gurgled, her smile at the widest Meredith had seen it, and so she tapped out the melody of the Spider-man theme twice more while she tried to think of something else that wasn't about gopher guts.
It happened right after she got a text from Alex saying they were heading for the Life Science Hall, where she'd meet them. She'd put Ellis into her sling, and to mitigate the fussy noises this evoked, tapped out the melody of "Let it Go" on the bells. Ellis's eyes went huge, and all of her tiny, ineffectual appendages struck Meredith as the baby fought to express a reaction that was far bigger than her. The sound wasn't not a gurgle, but it was absolutely more than a gurgle. It came with the wide open smile, and the froggy flailing; her sky blue eyes sparkled up at her momma, and gave Meredith no doubt that she'd heard all three of her children laugh that afternoon.
She changed Ellis's diaper and caught up to Alex and the kids outside of the exhibit titled Beginning the Journey. If she'd gone through Oregon heading for San Diego, knowing she was pregnant, and not clinging to sanity by a thread, it would've been the perfect stop.
She took the kids to the side before they entered, thinking back to her first trip to the Mütter museum in Philadelphia with her mom. "Zo, you remember the kidney in Mommy's room in Seattle? It's an organ that wasn't working anymore. Doctors sometimes use organs that aren't working, or sometimes whole bodies that aren't working to learn about how they should work. Sort of like how you have one of Daddy's old phones in your toys. It doesn't work, but it lets you look, and pretend, and practice. Whenever we use body parts or bodies to learn, it's always because the person said that was okay before anything was removed or stopped working.
"When Ellis was growing in me, we called her baby girl, right? But she wasn't a baby yet. Do you know why?"
Zola shook her head. Bailey took the cue to say, "acause why?"
"Because to be a baby, you have to be able to survive outside a uterus. Remember, a couple of times we talked about how Ellis went from an embryo, to a fetus, and had to be born to be a baby? For embryos and fetuses the pregnant person's body provides blood and food while the lungs, and heart, and other organs are made. Those have to work on their own, and come out of the uterus to be a baby. Sometimes that doesn't happen. Sometimes an embryo or fetus has a condition that keeps it from living. Maybe, the person growing the baby gets sick, and their body isn't strong enough to provide for the baby. It can be sad when those things happen; but until a baby can be alive in the world, they don't feel sick or get sad. They don't hurt. They're not a person yet. They're part of someone else's body."
They don't hurt.
She knew that the possibility that that wasn't the case was part of why April and Jackson chose to deliver at twenty-four weeks—Sofia's unlikely survival at 23.5 weeks had to have been in April's mind, in spite of any odds she'd heard.—but the research suggested that while the neurons extended from the spinal cord into the brain at twenty-three to twenty-four weeks, pain was a sensory and emotional response. The brain wasn't conscious enough for that until thirty weeks. She wasn't going into any of that with the kids. This was already complex. Possibly too complex, but Zola had proven to have those "Oh my gosh! That makes sense today!"moments.
When Meredith thought of what April went through, she thought of what it would've done to April to continue to carry, when the chances of survival didn't increase.
"This exhibit has real embryos and fetuses to teach us about how an embryo grows and changes as it becomes a fetus, and then a fetus gets ready to become a baby. Not quite the same as the kidney, but more similar to that than to Ellis." She waited, letting the information settle to even ask for questions
"Ellis is baby girl and baby sister," Bailey said.
"If the person can't make blood for the fetus, is that like not having resources?" Zola asked.
"Sort of, except that when a baby needs resources they can get them somewhere else. Right now we don't know how to take an embryo or fetus out of one body, and keep it alive, or put it in another body."
"You still make food for Ellis."
"That's true, and good thinking, but when a baby is inside—that's called in utero, in the uterus—it doesn't eat food like us or drink milk like Ellis. Do you remember the scab Ellis had for a while?"
"At her belly button," Zola said. Bailey tugged his shirt up to display his outie.
"Yup. Everyone has a belly button, because we're born with a cord that's connected to a special organ called the placenta that takes some of the nutrients, the good stuff out of the body and sends it straight into the fetus. Same with blood. There's no way to do that outside yet. But if something made my body stop producing milk, we'd give her formula, like we did for you."
"Oh. I forgot that. Did Ellie's cord get broken?"
"No. It got cut off once she came out and didn't need it."
"Um, but, the blood. You had all the blood dump out of the place-in-to, right?"
Already crouched to be on the kids' level, Meredith let her knees hit the ground as she pulled Zola closer. "You're such a good listener, but it's not quite what happened. It's close. It's something that would be easier to explain with Anatomy Jane. Can we write down the question and discuss it at the hotel?" Zola nodded. "Okay." Meredith kept her eyes on Zola's. "I was so proud of you that night, sweet girl. I know it was scary, but you were super brave. If you ever have questions about that, you can absolutely ask."
"Yeah I just didn't think it."
"That happens. I love you."
Zola grinned and hugged her, an adaptive version of the side hugs "to not squish baby girl," this time ending it with a kiss planted on the top of Ellis's head.
As she moved around the exhibit, she couldn't stop connecting each stage of development in terms of the baby riding against her. Implantation could've been as late as the time they were moving into the condo, and whether she'd been a zygote or an embryo during the weeks immediately following Derek's death, more power to her. She'd been a fetus for maybe a week by the time her presence was discovered.
Ellis had made it to baby. She'd come into the world abruptly, but she was growing, and happy. Would Meredith always worry that something she'd done during that gap had affected her? She'd been spiraling. It'd been a controlled spiral, but she hadn't been healthy.
Bailey wasn't super interested in the forty-two preserved embryos and fetuses on display, preferring one of the interactive screens that explained the way the carrier and baby's blood were separated. Zola was fascinated. Meredith and Alex were both engaged to go over the explainer signs on her level, which matched her age in some regards, but was even higher than Meredith had anticipated when it came to medicine.
"She really is a sponge," she commented, watching Zola study the words on a screen Bailey had moved on from.
"You learned a ton of that stuff just by listening to your mom."
"Not quite. Yeah, every conversation went back to medicine, but she explained things pretty well. Answered questions."
"But nothing about any of this," he pointed out, gesturing at the exhibit. "While she was pregnant."
"Didn't say she was perfect. And I'd left Anatomy Jane in Seattle. She makes it so much easier."
"Yeah, Child Life ordered dozen when it was re-released. Really helps when a kid don't know where or what a spleen is."
"Not only do I know that, I routinely check them out for patients' kids, and even my patients. Hands on learning and all. Plus, the universe owes me about five years of playing with dolls."
"Fair. Hey, did you eat lunch?"
The hairs on the back of her neck rose; and she sucked the inside of her cheek. "Why?"
"Kids said you went to a Chinese buffet. You don't like Chinese."
"Oh." Meredith deflated. She thought she'd left the defensive irritability she'd behind some time in the fall. It was irrational; she had no reason to avoid answering direct questions."Izzie told you never to bother asking me if I wanted anything when you were ordering."
"Yeah, and you always threw out my leftovers."
"You'd leave them until they were becoming sentient and that is particularly gross with greasy, delivery, Americanized Chinese food. I'm from Seattle; Asian restaurants were everywhere long before the eighties, and Boston has a great Chinatown. The thing is, you could tell Izzie something once, and you'd never escape it. She and George had just moved in and were driving me batshit. I hated her unrelenting Izzieness. It was an obvious bonding ploy, and I had deep, dark secrets to keep." Alex snorted. "I didn't trust her taste, either, and I turned out not to be wrong about that. She'd order massive plates of, like, General Tso's and a couple boxes of dry-ass rice and say it was authentic because it was 'family style.'
"There was never a good time to point out its impossible to hate all cuisine from the biggest country in the world without bursting her Glinda bubble. I did that all the time when she needed it, but I never wanted to admit I just hadn't wanted to hang out. It felt snobby too. 'hey, thanks for springing for this, but as bigoted as the health department is, there are five Chinese restaurants that deliver to us that haven't received twenty citations this month, next time use my card order from one of them?'"
Alex shook his head. "That's a lot to keep up for one instance of angry hyperbole, but it's absolutely how you work. Bending over backward to prioritize everyone's comfort but your own."
"Eh. Lexie and I got dim sum at this place in Belltown almost every time we went out. I always figured she'd mention it to Izzie by accident, but then it turned out she'd kept the Mark thing on the DL. Feeling like we were getting away with something together probably felt like a cool sister thing to her too.
"She had depths for sure."
"Ew, you don't get to comment on my sister's depths."
"Oh come on! I didn't—"
"Has Wilson gone blonde yet?"
"You have a Lexie look, too. It's kinda weird, because it's when you look most like her."
"The night before the plane, she said something to Mark about him being an infection in her, and I dunno, she was pretty vague recounting it, which I got. I've done the rambling love confession; you say whatever comes into your head, and it all hits you half an hour later, even if it works. Anyway, Lexie was proof that the happy people could infect me, not just the other way around." Ellis made an ahhh noise, and Meredith was pretty sure she was identifying herself as one of the happy people.
While Alex took the kids to see Big Hero 6 on the museum's huge movie screen, Meredith and Ellis went to the hotel. The room was as impersonal as any other chain hotel. She was as grateful for that as she had in the earliest days in San Diego, when everything personal from her clothes to her hair products had been painful. In less than a day she'd be in that house again. The epitome of personal. Under a year ago she'd run from it, sure that she'd be crushed by the weight of her memories.
What if that hadn't changed? Worse, what if it had? What if she walked into the house she and Derek had dreamed into existence and felt nothing?
Not for the first time, she was grateful she hadn't been there in June when the numbness hit. As impossible as living with the ghosts had seemed, no longer having them would have been her breaking point.
They ate breakfast at a pancake place that had a griddle at each table. They served batter in squeeze bottles and let customers design their own pancakes. It was a fun way to reclaim a tradition Meredith knew she would never be able to give them the same way Derek had, but might be able to make theirs.
One more stop, one more thing.
"Zo, I have a job for you," Meredith said as she lifted Bailey out of his car seat and started along the sidewalk to the pink façade. She handed over her phone. "FaceTime Aunt Amelia, tell her we'll be there in about four hours—"
"I get to call?"
"You do. She's going to be so excited to see you! Show her all the doughnut choices and ask her which she likes best okay? You and Bailey can decide which you want, too. Three each. Let her choose how many she wants."
"She gonna answer?" Alex asked.
"Mm, I texted her. She knows it's Zo. I figure it can't hurt to give her a reason to look forward to the loss of privacy."
"Baby Shepherds, look at you!" Amelia's voice burst from the speaker of Meredith's phone as they walked into the shop.
"AUNTAMY!" came out of Bailey in a single, huge burst of excitement followed up by giggles that could more properly called guffaws. On the ride from Grant Park to OMSI, he'd been thrilled by the murals on so many buildings, and if Meredith would have called him lit up then, now he was effervescent.
Meredith didn't realize she'd frozen in front of the door until Alex grabbed her shoulders and moved her to stand against the wall, blocking her view of the kids darting around the display case.
"Mer?"
"Fine! Sorry, I…I don't know what I'm…."
"You think that is a sign that you screwed up. You've been looking for it constantly, but it's not there. That's you doing it right. He's two. If you hadn't talked about her, and shown him pictures and videos…. Once, Amber didn't recognize Mom at all when we were reunited; it'd been six months, and she was seven. That?" He pointed over at Bailey who was pressing a finger to the glass like his goal was leaving a fingerprint. "That's getting it right. We're grownups. A year can be a lot, but no one will have forgotten the kids. That she was anything but a stranger for a two-year-old? You did that. Okay?"
Meredith nodded, looking away from Alex, watching the kids, not thinking, not thinking….
"You might never know what Bay really remembers about him," Alex said. Meredith almost laughed at her own idiocy. Derek loved her, Cristina understood her, but Alex could read her. "He might not know. That's the crappy truth of the matter. All you can do is what you've been doing, because you're doing it right."He hugged her before she could find the words to respond, if there were any, and then they helped the kids make their agonizing doughnut decisions.
The halfway point between Portland and Seattle was Chehalis. They stayed on the ten minutes to Centralia, where they drove through Jack-in-the-Box, and took the food to Fort Borst Park.
"Do you ever hear from her?" Meredith asked. Zola was running around on the playground, and Meredith had half an eye on Bailey who was sitting in his sister's vacated seat and holding Ramona.
"No," Alex said. His voice said 'leave it,' and he usually meant that. She usually did.
"Just wondered if Robbie is still there. She wanted to buy her a house, and…do we even know if she passed the boards? If she took them?"
Alex shrugged. Meredith watched Ellis for a moment. She kept her eyes open more during nursing sessions, fully aware that things kept happening while she ate.
"I wouldn't have been able to do that," Meredith said, aiming for offhand but knowing that the statement would necessarily carry more."Let go forever that way. I'm sure it didn't feel all that different, and I'm sorry for that, but to act like none of it mattered…. Didn't it matter too much?"
Alex didn't reply and before Meredith could think of what to say next she was interrupted.
"No, little man, you can't do that. It doesn't work that way!"
Meredith stood, placing herself between Bailey and the stranger, a middle-aged woman who narrowed her eyes further at Meredith. It made her want to check the position of her clothes and her baby, even though she knew she wasn't flashing anything at anyone. She gave the woman the sharpest smile in her arsenal."Can we help you?"
"Your boy was confused. Right, little man?"
Meredith turned to Bailey. He was holding Ramona, and the shirt she'd tucked in after the last potty trip was untucked and bunched up on one side. "Are you being a mommy?" She asked him. "Helping Zola feed her baby?"
He nodded. "'Em needs mommy milk."
"That's so nice of you." Meredith turned back to the woman, whose lips and nostrils had also narrowed. "Is there a problem?"
"You do have a little boy there, don't you?"
"I do, for now. Could change. But I don't think what he pretends has any bearing on that, because I don't think he's going to grow up and want to be a puppy. That's what he was pretending to be five minutes ago."
The woman huffed and continued down the path. Meredith sat down next to Bailey, "You're such a good helper, bud. And you did so well at being quiet when the strange lady wouldn't go away. Do you want to go play with Zo-Zo and let Alex and I take care of Ramona for her?"
Bailey nodded, and then put a finger to his lips. "Shh. Em sleep."
"Okay. We'll be very quiet."
Bailey kissed the doll on the forehead and ran off to join his sister. Meredith watched him find Zola on one of the playground structure's bridges. When she finally turned back to Alex she was surprised to see more than amusement in his expression.
"What?"
"Dunno. Just, you've always been a badass and a great mom, but now you're a badass mom. It's cool to see."
Meredith didn't feel like much of a badass two and a half hours later. They'd had to make an unexpected stop for a diaper blowout, and while it wasn't like she'd never approached the house from Tacoma, crossing onto the island on the Agate Pass Bridge; it wasn't her usual route, and seeing it all from the backseat made it even stranger. The landmarks took too long to register, and then almost without warning, they didn't. They were passing Grand Forest, the dog park, the bookshop. Their turn off was approaching, the one she'd followed countless times first to another gravel road and eventually a paved driveway. It'd felt magical in an almost absurdist way the first time Derek had driven her around the bend that put the trailer into view, and she'd made it sentimental with the damn candle house—I needed a light that never went out—and then had come the house. Their house.
"I've been waiting and waiting for you, and I did this stupid, embarrassing, humiliating, corny thing, and I was gonna tell you that this here is our kitchen and this is our living room, and that's the room where our kids could play. I had this thing, 'I was gonna build us a house, but I don't build houses. I'm a surgeon.' And now I'm here feeling like a lame-ass loser. I got all whole and healed, and you don't show up. It's ruined because you took so long."
Ruined because you are late.
Ruined because you are dead.
Derek is late.
Derek is dead.
Alex whistled, and Meredith knew what he was doing, why he was doing it, but she didn't want to leave her thoughts, didn't want to return to her body and see it, the unchanged, ruined house of guttering candles. The guts of them, of who they were, of Meredith-and-Derek all over the interior; a crime scene with no cleanup crew.
Car doors slammed around and behind her. Kids shouted. Good. Happy. They were happy. Let them be—"Meredith."
Cold fingers on her cheek. She flinched.
"Come on, Grey, you've made it this far. You're almost done. Almost home. I get it. This is the steepest step, right? You've made it up so many, and you're terrified you're going to end up on the bottom again. You're not. You're harnessed. Worst thing that could happen is you rappel a little. You'll get through it. This is possibly the hardest moment, but you're not in it alone. Not anymore."Amelia took Meredith's hand in both of hers. "Look at me, Grey. I got you. Ready?"
Meredith unclicked her seatbelt. Her hands weren't shaking. She wasn't going back down the well. She wasn't going back down goddamn the well.
Amelia stepped away from the door, still blocking most of what Meredith could see. "I swear I haven't been like this—not since—not in—"
"I know," Amelia said. "Otherwise you wouldn't be so upset about it. There are always going to be days when it feels like yesterday. All you can do is get through."
Once Meredith cleared her seat, Amelia slammed the door, eliminating the exit. Then, she moved to stand at her side with hardly any warning. Meredith almost closed her eyes, just to put the moment off one more second, but she didn't. She looked. She followed Alex and the kids in while Amelia and Owen sorted out bags and boxes. Jo was on her way over.
"Where do you want your drum-kit, Ringo?" Alex asked.
"Her what?"
Meredith smiled. She appreciated what he was trying to do, but he was going to let him to explain his own joke. She needed a minute. She walked to the master bedroom on autopilot and flipped on the lights. Her eyes went first to the Post-it, then the tumor, the bed where Ellis had been created, but that she hadn't yet seen. She turned the light off. Ellis would need to be fed soon; she'd get her minute in the rocking chair in B's room—the nursery?
They still had a crib in there, and the baby furniture. He could have the remodeled guest room. Making a list of things that needed doing before bed time took most of her mental space while Ellis had her first meal in the glider rocker where her brother spent most of his first three months.
Once Ellis was full, if not content; her uncertain noises no doubt a reaction to the atmosphere, Meredith went into the room where our kids—the playroom where Bailey and Zola were reacquainting themselves with their toys.
Alex and Owen looked to be almost done unloading the pod that had been packed over the course of five days. She needed to ask them to get the toddler bed that'd been purchased for Bailey's second birthday from the garage.
If she got Debbie to start a spread on how long it took her to unpack, would that inspire insiders to help her get it done?
"Baby." Amelia made gimme hands as she plopped down into the nearest of the chairs around the house that'd become known as the baby holding seats. "Please," she added. "Are these guys still learning manners, or can we dispense with them amongst ourselves?"
Meredith went through a list of reasons she owed Amelia, going back to taking off the night of her brother's funeral up to the fact that she wasn't still sitting in the damn car. It took all of that for her to willingly pass Ellis over, and she regretted losing the weight of her. Emotional support baby?
"Bailey is learning the magic words," Zola was saying. "And we're little so it's always best to be polite so they take us for serious. Grownups can pick not being using manners, which is kinda the opposite of adult words."
If she hadn't gathered that Jo had arrived from the shout and the slam of a car door outside, the way Owen skulked in a second later would've given it away. It took another few minutes for the reunion to break up. As the front door started to swing open, Meredith felt her fight, flight, freeze response kick in. She wanted to run, not for some irrational upset at seeing Wilson; she wanted to see Wilson, she just also wanted to flee before—
"Dr. Grey!" Jo tore through the front of the house and then stopped short right in front of Meredith, like she didn't know what to do from there. Meredith felt the same wave of awkwardness crest over her; she refused to give into it. It'd been nice to have friendships that weren't caught up in the tangle of hospital politics and pecking order. Jo was both her student and her best friend's girlfriend, and this was the kind of situation where a behavior model could be looked to and repeated far into the future. (Fine, yes, she'd been reading a lot of articles about parenting as a working, single mother. Sue her.)
"Wilson! So good to see you." Meredith stood from where she'd perched on the arm of the chair next to Amelia's—not crowding, maybe hovering—and hugged her, trying to imitate Fati, quick but strong, self-assured. There weren't books, or articles, or blogs that could tell her how to make this return go smoothly; she had to be her own guide. It seemed like Alex might always touch her a little more frequently than he used to, needing the reminder of her physical presence, so she figured tangibility was important.
"The eagle sheds," Jo whispered, and Meredith rolled her eyes. That was why Cristina nicknamed everyone and everything so quickly, so she wasn't subjected to the dumb shit other people came up with. Some amount of subterfuge was necessary, though, since Zola was pressed against her side. Jo crouched to be on her eye level. "Hi, Zola. I'm really happy to see you! It's okay if you're feeling a little shy. You've been gone a while, everything probably feels new even if it's familiar."
"Yeah, it's mixed emotions. Right, Mommy?"
"That's right," Meredith said, wishing she felt a little of that newness.
Jo grinned. "That's very smart. How was your ride up here?"
"Um, fun. We did a Ramona walk, and Mommy triviaed an accident in the weeds, and Aunt Amy, we brought you doughnuts in a pink box."
"I saw those," Amelia said. "You brought so much sugar home. Doughnuts, yourself, this little lump, and my guy down there, who's an actual guy now."
"Just wait until you see what he's learned from Alex," Meredith said, and then shot a look at Wilson, who'd snickered. She stood up straight, her hand over her mouth. Good. Being the pathetic widow with the baby hadn't lost her all authority. "And, I triaged an accident in Weed, Zo."
"Yeah-huh that, and we watched Frozen and scared Alex by being all quiet until 'LET IT GO!'" From behind the Matchbox race track, Bailey shout-sang the next line with her, probably the exact way he would have done that afternoon. "He yelled 'bah!' And, we made shapes with pancakes, and I jumped inna pool, Mommy, remember? I did it! And all the rest areas are so the same we pretend they were all connected like fairy places that are liminal, and I found a big acorn that could hatch a fairy baby I decided even if that makes them mono-extreme."
"Monotreme," Meredith corrected, since Jo had on the 'not following' expression she usually only saw during rounds on the latter half of a thirty-six. "What are the other two mammal types?"
"Mar-soup-als, like platty-pusses, and place-in-tal, which is us with the special organ that sometimes gets unstuck too soon, and the baby-holder bleeds. We saw the biggest dog at in Stockton days ago, and maybe his owners are magic because we saw them two more times, and it's boring for them to be on the same trip as us. We were in our carseats a lot, which is not so always fun, even though we all listened to a Henry Huggins book, and Bailey picked the caper movie not Treasure Island . When we got to Sunny—to San Diego, Bailey got mad getting in the car, and he'd scream. I wouldn't scream, but I don't wanna be in a car again soon."
Jo's cheeks puckered from holding back laughter. Meredith knew there were parts of her history that Jo didn't divulge, and trusted in her ability to keep important secrets. It was the more superficial ones she couldn't hold in.
Meredith had been there. "That's too bad Zo," she said. "We'll have to see if we can take it back."
Zola narrowed her eyes. "Take what back?"
"There's a present for you outside. Something Daddy told me you wanted almost a whole year ago. You'll have to share with your siblings, but that'll be good practice for carpooling." Sproing! Zola's eyes were silver dollars again. "Go look in the shed."
Zola ran to the back door, and when Bailey put down the toy he was playing with to follow in her wake she stopped to give him her hand.
"They're too much," Jo muttered.
"They've really bonded. Not like…. Not like a trauma thing, I don't think."
"Nah," Alex cut in, wrapping his arm around Jo's waist— the knife permanently embedded in Meredith's chest felt more like a scalpel these days than a dagger, but the twist still hurt. She didn't want that from Alex, or Jo, who could once have been her type more than Alex; she just wanted it. It wasn't Derek-want, but it was soldered to it. "They're best friends, simple as that. Hope Sofia's good at sharing."
"With her moms, a year into being divorced, and without, I'm hoping, having replaced her daycare bestie? Unlikely. It'll be fine. Bailey can stand up for himself, and Zo has a very strong sense of fair." She walked past them, going to the door to the porch. Owen had had the forethought to jog out ahead of Zola, opening the heavy shed door to reveal a purple ride-on car.
"Pick up all my friends in my Mercedes Benz," Amelia sang under her breath.
Meredith pointed at her. "Ding. It'll be Elle's one day." She cupped the baby's head. One benefit to letting other people hold her was being in a better position to stroke the puff of fine hair. "Yeah, you're a blonde Elle, you're gonna get the jokes, and Mommy is going to make sure you lean in."
"That is excellent, and I should've put it together, but you should know how hard it was to resist the kiddie-sized Lambo," Jo related. "They're the same price, for the discerning preschooler looking to make that leap into the one-percent."
"If I have my way, the only car metrics they'll know about are safety features and environmental impact."
"But wasn't—? I mean obviously anyone should be safe, but Dr. Shepherd's…." Jo's eyes darted from Meredith, to Amelia, who was zeroed in on Ellis and absolutely listening, and back.
"Derek's crash was an accident." Meredith spoke to Jo; she watched Zola, but in every blink she could see Derek's eyes that morning telling her Zola asked for a car, bright, sparkling with hope for their future. "On a road with a blind curve. One he discovered when he was looking for long roads to floor it on. On his quote-unquote shortcut to the airport, because the damn freeway wasn't moving fast enough for him. The back roads could take less time, but I promise you he considered it a shortcut because he could speed without getting pulled over. Without me knowing, because there was no one out there; no chance that he'd crash into anyone; he knew the blind curve was there! It'd be 'fine, Mer.' And it was. My husband didn't die because he thought he was impervious, but he did think that. I'm not planning to encourage that trait. That day, that hellacious day that already featured a plans crash, might have been just a little less miserable if I hadn't spent it sure he'd finally caused a forty car pileup, or missed that curve when really he was being a freaking hero before a semi slammed into him."
"Mommy!" Zola called, and Meredith went down to her without turning back to see the reaction to her outburst. The facts of what'd happened that day had been overshadowed by that night. By the incompetence of that hospital. By the funeral and all that came after. The reality of his absence. She'd moved it far enough that she could think of Derek's delight over Zola asking for a car without connecting it to the fact that he'd been fatally injured in his car.
Zola had not made the connection, or if she had, it didn't matter. "Mommy, see? It's like a grownup car, but just sized for me and Bailey-bird, and it has a floor, Sofi's is a Flintstones car, and she can take the rider's seat while Bailey does other stuff, right, B?"
"I am drive, too. Gotta swap, rest helps pay tenion."
"That was for our long trip with a baby," Zola pointed out. Meredith frowned, and she be sighed. "But you get a turn next."
"Ten minutes," Meredith told her. "Then, let him try. He may not be ready, but he gets a chance. Deal?" Zola nodded, and her grumpiness disappeared once the car started moving.
"How long do give it until she takes it apart?" Alex asked, once Meredith had returned to the porch.
"Before Ellis is big enough to use it, definitely. Maybe six and a half? She'll think about it sooner, but having the fine-motor experience to work with the tools will be the deciding factor. Start a spread, but the odds may change if she decides to assist Owen in his handy-maning."
"Was it really Derek's idea?" Amelia asked, sitting on the step beside Meredith.
"He asked what she wanted from D.C. She told him she wanted a car. She might not remember. I just thought it was a good way of showing her we're not forgetting. And she's been—they've both been incredible. I one hundred percent mean it when I say they were what I needed. What kept me living, not just alive." Ellis made a loud, squawky noise and Meredith reached over to tickle her leg. You kept me alive, baby girl. I'll never forget that. "Zola, though, she's grown up a lot, fast, but she's also five. She's not a tiny adult, even though she knows what a placenta is. She's big compared to this gremlin, but she's a baby too."
The mini-Benz whirred past them at all of four miles per hour and took a U-turn. Zola's laugh punctuated Meredith's sentence, while Bailey shrieked with joyous terror.
"She's seen me hit some lows this year, and she's so empathetic. I wanted a way to… 'put her in her place' doesn't have the connotation I want, at all. Just, I wanted to be the parent. To do the thing that seems impossible. Proves you're paying attention."
There were a few times her mother had done that. They were small, and she could never show how much they meant to her, because she'd be being sentimental, but there'd been a few times over the years when Meredith believed that even if she couldn't be the daughter Ellis Grey wanted, her mother appreciated the daughter she had. Not enough, but been better than nothing.
"Don't you mean trying to be the Derek?" Amelia asked.
"No. He was pretty great at grand gestures, but he wasn't the only one. He came into our relationship knowing romance was more then climax scenes from teen movies, and I was just getting there. He would've…." Meredith drew her arms in, feeling totally on display without Ellis, or one of Derek's flannels, or even her hair to hide behind. "He would've told her Santa brought it here, knowing it'd be hard to get home if he'd delivered it to San Diego on Christmas. She's gonna ask about that soon. I want her to; I want to see her reason it out. I was afraid I'd ruin it for her too early by screwing up this year, but I pulled it off. First two-wheeler and all—This is also a way of putting off the 'can we take my training wheels off?' thing for a couple of months.— So, next year, at a minimum, she'll ask, and if I'd said Daddy told Santa she wanted a car? It'd have kept her believing for a while. Maybe long enough to tell them all at once. Yeah, Ellie, you get to know all the secrets until your receptive language skills improve. Isn't that cool?" Ellis responded with a series of differently-pitched "ah"s. "Why do I get the feeling you'll be a long-term believer? I don't know, but I bet your siblings will help me keep the secret. Probably better for me, since I am the magic killer who couldn't make this a believing-in-Santa thing. I wanted to keep her believing in Mom. Is that selfish?"
"You talking to me or the baby?" Amelia asked.
"Anyone who responds, really."
"Fair. I do know one or two things about selfishness, and I think you left your narcissist card behind a long time ago, at least in regards to tho—these three."
Meredith snorted. "I know, right? Three. Not as many as in your family, but—"
"Trust me, there's a tipping point where adding another barely affects the level of entropy, and you don't want to reach it. I don't know how my sisters wanted…. They are not the good Catholic wife type. Admittedly, Liz got blindsided with the tripples on her third pregnancy, and Kath's husband came with two, but Nancy…. They very obviously had different upbringings than I did, is what I'm saying, because I could not recommend a family with five kids to anyone."
"They were teenagers, or close, when your dad died. That basically put you in different families. Maybe even…. My mom was a different person here than she was in Boston. It's easy to say 'sure, but no one had died,' but to her…to her, the death of that possible future…. She mourned it, and having gone through both, it's almost worse if he's still in the world. It's not worse, but it's…the hope burns, no matter how few embers are left. Doesn't matter. Seattle Mommy and Boston Mom were different. Some good, some bad, not in ways that any of the old fundraiser fogies who tell me they remember my mother would recognize. The mom you had and the mom your siblings had was different by nature of having raised four kids by that point. Just…you can't expect them to know how it was for you, but you don't need to compare yourself to them, either."
"I try not to," Amelia said and then she shifted Ellis toward Meredith. "I need to head out. Do, uh…? Weird to ask now, but do you need me to pick up anything on the way home? It'll be about seven."
"Figured I'd order pizza. Very purposefully didn't suggest it all week, so it'll feel like a bigger deal than it is."
Amelia smiled. "Glad you're back," she said, disappearing into the house as the kids whooshed by again.
Several hours later, after Bailey got his turn to drive with Meredith controlling the speed and providing a couple braking interventions via the car's remote control; after Zola's bike and Benz were stowed in the shed; after Meredith took down handfuls spring clothes a size too small and replaced them with more familiar outfits that looked strange in these closets; after pizza on a table that'd she last remembered being covered in the casseroles that Amelia admitted to surviving on for months, Meredith came out of Bailey's room and found Alex breaking apart the toddler bed box for recycling. Next to him, Jo loaded boxes of donations she'd offered to take by one of the shelters near the hospital.
"You know I could've done that. Physically, and it's not like I don't have the time. Technically, I'm entitled to take another three months past the end of my leave of absence."
"Yeah, and we'd be sending people out to make sure you hadn't tied Sh—She-Shepherd up in the shed and started taking out parts."
If he hadn't been Alex, and she hadn't been Meredith, she would've felt obligated to find the words to thank him for that. For not treating her like she would break, on a day where she felt like she'd been wobbling on a tightrope and knew it had to be obvious. Even the stumble over Amelia's name was him adapting for her, and, purposefully or not, at the same time letting her know she'd have to prepare for "Shepherd" to mean "Amelia" 99.9% of the time.
"She's too loud. Owen would be the better bet. He'd be able to take me out in hand-to-hand, but if I got to the ventilation in the trailer…."
"You know where they wouldn't let you operate? Prison."
"You make a good point." Meredith sighed. "Look, Alex, what I really mean is… I got it. I've got the unpacking, and the getting the kids acclimated. I'm putting high odds on Bailey waking up in the next hour. Both of them will end up in my bed by three, and Zola's freakout will come in the morning, once the excitement has worn off. I need to handle that. It's not for their benefit. I need…. When I first got out there, Sadie and I had a deal. She or Fati had to see me once a week. That was…she had good reason for that, but also a week is good when it comes to getting to a stable point. I want…I need to build a routine here that doesn't revolve around someone who has his own life. That's not fair to any of us.
"I'd much rather ask than not even knowing why I'm saying some mean and petty thing to make you think taking off is your idea. Amelia's around, and I won't leave the property if the kids have their way, I just need a week. A week to be here and figure out being their mom, me, here. Without a village. Just until next Sunday, when you all descend on us."
"Technically—" he started.
"—that's more than a week, I know. You can come by Friday night. If we're settled, I thought it'd be a good time to try Fati's spaghetti recipe."
"Sunday works for me. If you reply to texts."
"I can do that."
"Daily baby pictures. She's changing fast."
"Do you have an upper limit on photos?"
"It'll be a while before you text often enough to annoy me, Mer. And, yeah, I know you take that as a challenge."
"Fun-killer."
"Not like I really want to help go through paperwork. I am off until the second, if you need anything."
"Thanks. Go on home with Wilson. Get some rest before you're operating on tiny humans again. I'll be here on the first."
It took a while longer, but Alex eventually left. Meredith went around the house to make sure the shed door had been closed and locked. As she got ready for bed, she kept thinking about how as unsettled, unmoored as she felt right now, something felt right. Something she recognized from the time of her intern mixer. She was home. Seattle was her home. Her magnetic north. Where instinct told her to land.
She'd felt it on that night eleven months ago, at the second she realized that she and Derek weren't over. It'd been there as she shivered behind rows of flickering tea candles, watching the laugh lines appear by his eyes as he told her not to move. That he'd be back, and she knew he'd learned to learn from his mistakes. She was drawn to Seattle the way she'd been drawn to Derek.
Since Zola asked her about valentines, the question, the awareness of her aloneness, the fear of it, had buzzed in her mind almost constantly. Whether or not she had another string connecting her to someone, compatible, made for her, or otherwise; rehashing the whole journey with Beni had made Meredith remember that while the destination had been worth it, getting there with Derek had been the kind of road-trip she only wanted to take once in a lifetime. What felt like potholes to her in retrospect had been sinkholes at the time, and whatever would've come next, a fork or straight highway, it'd all ended in a crash.
She might start over in a better vehicle, one with less baggage causing drag, but that wouldn't do anything about the conditions of the road. She'd handle the next section herself, maybe accepting tows, but the metaphorical passenger seat would stay empty. One day, she might realize it hadn't been custom-made; she might pick up a hitchhiker. She doubted she'd ever let them adjust the settings enough to be comfortable. Not if she believed, and she did, that eventually there'd be another metaphorical highway, without detours, or construction, or fucking semis.
Just them.
If the comfort of that possibility was what people got from faith, Meredith could see why they were reluctant to let it go.
Sun, Feb 22, 2015, 3:30 PM
AMELIA SHEPHERD: Ive been grocery shopping sunday afternoons. wanna give me a list or go with?
MEREDITH GREY: Before or after four?
AMELIA SHEPHERD: say 5 & we can get whatever we want 4 dinner 2.
MEREDITH GREY: Should work. Kids Skype with your mom at four-thirty.
AMELIA SHEPHERD: txt me when theyre done
MEREDITH GREY: You could come down.
AMELIA SHEPHERD: don't.
MEREDITH GREY: She was worried
AMELIA SHEPHERD: Karev was worried
MEREDITH GREY: And I've apologized.
I'm sorry we left you alone, too.
AMELIA SHEPHERD: nbd. im a lone wolf.
Sun, Feb 22, 2015, 5:05 PM
grey?
"Meredith! It's so good to hear your voice! It's not the same department without you."
"Thanks, April. I'll be back soon. Um. That's related to.…well the kids and I are having people over on Sunday. Around one. A brunch thing. We're in Seattle, obviously, if that hasn't leaked. You and Jackson are invited, but there's something I didn't want to spring on you in front of everyone. So…. When I left Seattle, I was pregnant. Technically. Barely. Not many people…Alex, Jo, Amelia, and Owen, because he lives out here. Everyone else will find out Sunday, but I wanted to give you a head's up. If you don't want to come, or you wanna miss the first couple ferries, it's okay. Whatever's best for you."
"What's her name?"
"Ellis. Ellis Caroline Shepherd."
"That's beautiful. Lexie would love it. I'll…. Jackson doesn't know?"
"No. I thought…I wanted you to know first. Do you want me to…?"
"I'll tell him. I think…you can plan on us being there. I'll let you know if that changes."
"Great."
"I can't wait to meet her. And Meredith? Thank you."
"Sure thing, Kepner."
"Grey. Miranda Bailey. I would like to know why Karev is back, you're inviting me to brunch, and yet, I am still down an attending. Any answer I get out of Wilson is her lying through that smile. How you got that girl's loyalty is beyond me. Consider this an RSVP for three. Tuck missed your hooligans. I best see you Sunday.
Weds, Feb 25, 2015, 11:15AM
MEREDITH GREY: left the last flannel in his walk-in. Everything in there smells like him. Zola asked why I was hanging out in the closet. I told her it made me feel closer to him. Is it bad that i mean that metaphorically, too?
Being out there was easy, but it's not who I am here. If i make it a thing…they'll have questions I'm not ready to answer.
Am I making up excuses?
FATIMAH: If you come out there it should be a decision you make for yourself. Period.
MEREDITH GREY: Simplify the situation perfectly, why don't you?
Thurs, Feb 26, 2015, 6:20PM
CALLIOPE TORRES: We have an xmas present for Zola. Should I bring it Sunday?
MEREDITH GREY: Sure. We have one for Sof too. And a lot to show off.
CALLIOPE TORRES: who's taking on the sleepover?
MEREDITH GREY: You're optimistic.
CALLIE TORRES: has zola had a personality transplant?
was that wholly insensitive?
Thurs, Feb 26, 2015, 6:36PM
MEREDITH GREY: Nah.
Maybe? Consider your source. I'm not a good litmus test. Just had to put my phone down for a few minutes.
She's quieter.
CALLIOPE TORRES: still into doc mcstuffins and elsa? weird organ doll in reach at all times? big fan of zoe because they're both Z names?
MEREDITH GREY: I put on Tangled whenever I can get away with it but… yeah Zoe stayed here, but she has been in one arm all week...
Thurs ,Feb 26, 2015 7:01PM
What are Sofia's current favorite colors? Asking for a friend who's stressing over her hair beads.
CALLIOPE TORRES: pink and green are the perennial favs. Well. More teal.
here. as of now, this is what she's wearing. subject to change. [img].
MEREDITH GREY: Respect.
Thurs, Feb 26, 2015 8:15 PM
I know it's been a year, but time is an illusion. Will it be weird that Arizona is coming?
CALLIOPE TORRES: honestly? a little.
we haven't exactly hung out. i didn't realize how much of my social life revolved around you until you were gone.
Thurs, Feb 26, 2015 9:45 PM
MEREDITH GREY: I missed you too
"I can't believe Kepner went to Jordan. I really am a fan. Still seems nuts she chose trauma in the first place."
"Eh. I dunno. The day of the shooting, she was a mess; babbling at Clark wasn't a great choice, but it kinda worked. She was very put together, especially if you consider that Reed was dead."
"True. Is that why you became friends with her? She lost her person?"
"Maybe a little. But also, she…. If this isn't something you want to talk about shut me up, but that day when I miscarried…while I was miscarrying, it was…. I mean, everything was terrifying, and I've felt worse pain but it didn't not hurt, and I knew it was happening, and it was my fault. I felt like it was my fault. Mostly Clark's, but mine, too. She just let me go through it, and I knew we'd underestimated her."
"She wasn't as good as us, and she was lusting after Derek. You hated that."
"Lusting? Is that accurate?"
"You really want me to say 'crushing on Derek?'"
"Oh. That….Nope, guess I didn't. Point is, I shouldn't have hated her for it. Not when—April's absolutely a woman with agency, but the virginity thing? You remember when I tried to be all romance-before-sex? He could not handle it."
"He handled it with the Plant. He knew you were trying to be someone you weren't, and why. He talked a lot, but figuring out how to tell you that? Please. He never gave a shit about how much sex you were or weren't having. He was pissed that you weren't having it with him, even when you couldn't. He couldn't. Wasn't supposed to be. Whatever, before he stole your panties."
"Yeah, I'm aware. Go to therapy for a year to talk about your dead husband, you end up figuring out a lot about your dead husband."
"Who'd have guessed?"
"I'd hoped to avoid it. Beni does not hold with avoidance. There were times I thought she was trying to make me hate him, like that would've been easier. It wasn't that. More about mourning the man, not the statue or whatever. Sheesh, April Kepner went to Jordan and I…I couldn't have left the kids for that if I'd wanted to, and I wouldn't want to. Do you…have you talked to Owen?"
"Only to know he's back, and did I know you had another kid? I really wasn't in touch with you? No one knew you were having a kid?"
"Not like it takes another person. Not once it starts, anyway."
"You did require medical assistance."
"That's not what I meant. There wasn't anyone I wanted to see me poop on the table. I knew I was at risk for needing a second C, but not…not how it happened. I figured I'd call Alex once things were done, or if I actually got to deliver, I'd get everything packed for movers and fly the kids back. Didn't want to put out people I'd taken off on. Although, I also would've had to have someone take the car. People do that, right?"
"I think so. You get that none of us would've cared?"
"That wasn't the point. Not really. I wanted to get past the firsts after Dereks. The first baby after Derek was…timing. Hiding her wasn't the point. Knowing what Mom did, I...but…for her maybe that was strength, but if keeping her was weakness…."
"I know you think I have your mom's ideal life, but I think that might be you. The only thing worse than being a pregnant intern would be having a three-month-old going into it, don't you think? And Pierce…she couldn't swallow her pride enough to call Richard, but I couldn't see renting my body out for nine months."
"She didn't work while she was pregnant with Maggie, though, and if it was…if she was like how I remember—"
"If she'd chosen to abort and gone straight to Mass Gen, what would've been different?"
"You sound like my shrink."
"It was my job for nearly a decade."
"Maggie wouldn't exist."
"And?"
"And…nothing. Mom might've held onto hope longer. Hope that Richard would come, and we'd have a family. She told me that. We'd have a family. S'why I'm always reminding the kids that we are a family. Huh. I figured Richard's ordinary castles in the air…well, by that point, what good had extraordinary done her? But he probably didn't come up it all that that day, huh? I mean, you don't spring 'we'd have had two more kids' on someone…. Holy shit. Holy shit, he must've known she knew. You don't say that to someone who thinks you left her because of her daughter."
"Webber might've."
"She would've reacted badly, though. I'm right that she knew. I don't know…I don't think they saw each other again until Seattle, but maybe she said something at Roseridge."
"Speaking of shit your mom said at Roseridge, that time she said she regretted having a kid…. I'm not saying he knew her better than you did, and it's not like you can't realize five years later that no, the person who doesn't want kids, really doesn't want kids, but wouldn't he know if she really regretted it?"
"Dunno. He...he didn't have a lot of respect for her parenting, in hindsight, but I think that was based on how I turned—How I was when I started at Grace. Huh. That's weird to imagine, but the life she was mourning did look something like mine. She'd be better in the OR, though."
"Untrue. You'll be fine. It's like riding a bike…wait. Can you…?"
"Had to. Never would've gotten to school on time otherwise. Bus stop right outside the door, but I almost never caught it. Mostly taught myself in front of our house, until I scraped my elbow badly enough that I went next door to ask for 'assistance with first-aid,' and a whole flock of queens took me to the Common where I could learn on flat ground."
"And how is Queen Elle?"
"Hilarious. She's good. Starting to try to lift her head up in spite of herself. Really into mirrors, and that rattling carrot we've had since Zo-Zo was tiny. Sleeping better than Bailey."
"He okay?"
"He had night-terrors over the summer, and this isn't the same, but he says Daddy came into his room. I don't know what to tell him. What comforts him will make Zola freak out, because she needs to believe he could be here…or maybe that's me. I left because this house…there was too much of him. Now, I can almost smell him in our room, almost feel him walk behind me in the kitchen, but he's not here. This place was too us a year ago, and… it's only been a week. I'm reading too much into things."
"Not to sound all woo-woo, but I'm not going to question you on a feeling."
"It's not that I'm going to die. More that he's really dead."
Sat, Feb 28, 2015 10:45PM
MAGGIE PIERCE: I am so sorry but i'm not going to make it in the morning; we've got a heart coming in for a kid who has been on the list for years. I'm really annoyed about it tbh. i was looking forward to brunch 😝 I do want to catch up soon!
"Hey."
"No."
"Pierce got a hold of you?"
"You cannot do this to me."
"A kid is getting a heart, Meredith. It's shitty timing, but you're not…."
"Not what? That much of a self-centered bitch? I can be."
"You're not. Not any more, unless…look, I just saw She-Shepherd, so…you could see if Torres—"
"Remember when you were the direct one? I'm not home alone getting blitzed, Alex. Good deductions, but no. This is sober narcissism. Relatively. I did open one of the bottles in the 'you're not pregnant any more' box Sadie sent me yesterday, because it was…yesterday, but it's still two-thirds full. I'd say you can check tomorrow, but you're bailing on me."
"If it helps, I don't think putting it off was the wrong move. You made a good plan. We're doctors, is all. You're not on your own for this, Jo knows, and Shepherd and Hunt. Everyone's on your side. It might be weird at first, but you have a secret weapon: the baby. And I'll make it up to you. This week, we'll hang out at my place. You, Pierce, bring the munchkins, don't bring the munchkins, whatever. We'll order pizza, and Pierce can tell you about all the stupid shit that went down this year that I definitely did not pay attention to."
"You tell her about Ellis."
"Don't you think she should—?"
"Yes, she should hear it from me. That won't happen if everyone finds out tomorrow, and she's doing a heart transplant all day. If one thing doesn't line up, she'll find out from Tyler!"
"Okay, okay. I'll tell your sister about your kid. And I am sorry I'm missing your thing."
"I'll send you video of the Zola-Sofia reunion."
"You're a good friend. Send me Ellis cuteness, too, that'll make it easier with Pierce."
"Keep believing that's why you want it. And tell Pierce I'm glad your patient has a heart."
"Check it out, you have one too."
"Don't tell the residents."
