A Vida centered one shot. Wanted to explore more on who Vida is as an individual and her morals.

Warning: Contains LOTS of angst and mentions of depression.

(P.S Vida needs help)


Vida didn't understand the concept of grief.

To some extent she understood that grief was often associated with regret or sadness. Maybe even pain if the sorrow is that deep. To her knowledge, grief only ever happend with mortals, not with being's like her or anyone similar. Vida was god, how could she ever feel sorrowful? It's never happened to her during the reigns of her existence.

Vida was life.

The god of life itself.

But that was the problem.

Vida didn't understand what grief was, yet life itself was filled with endless cycles of pain and sorrow. She just personally never felt it.

And that bothers her.

Vida knows she's lived for a long time, billions of years to be specific. She knows that lifeforms or humans are capable of such a feeling. It's one of their most noticeable flaws. Vida has lived longer than any of them, and yet, she's never felt a single bit of grief.

Vida wondered if that type of endless pain and agony came naturally or was forced. After all, death caused most of the grief in the world. Despite death being a natural occurrence, most mortals never see it(him) coming. So her precious muerte was often associated with being an unexpected event that caused pain. Which irritated her.

Vida knew death was only doing his job. He was never a malicious being, and yet…..

Mortals see him as a concept that causes grief.

It was confusing. They should all know they will die eventually, why feel sad when your loved one passes? Why at all?

Vida didn't understand mortals.

—-


Vida is happy, or at least, as happy as she can ever be. But there is something empty in her soul that wasn't understood. Emptiness was also a foreign concept to her, it's not something she felt in billions of years. Before the creation of the universe… For the most part she has everything a god could ask for. Vida can create and cause destruction. She has a loving husband, who treats her with every bit of love and respect she needs. Her abilities can bend time and existence. What more could she ask for?

So why emptiness?

Vida wondered if this was due to her living for so long. For doing everything and having everything you could dream of. If she wanted something, she'd get it. It's not like she's ever worked for anything she wanted. Vida just had the ability to get it.

And yet….she felt empty.

Emotions are often dull nowadays as well. Her love for Muerte was always strong but when he's gone she feels like her existence is dull. She as a person felt dull and bored with her own personality. Sometimes Vida compared her own nature to Lobo's, his charm was much more expressive and charismatic. Despite his sadism and bloodlust, it added to his attractiveness. In a way she felt small compared to him.

Vida always felt empty every morning she woke up, she didn't feel as happy as she used to. Thousands of years of existence left her uninterested or bored with the universe. It felt….awful, to feel empty. Like nothing mattered to you despite creating life to begin with. Part of her felt disgusted with herself for feeling this way. Vida was always preaching about appreciating life. How could she fall to a level of hypocrisy? She should not feel this way. She should feel grateful.

One night she sits in her bedroom, feeling eternity looming over her head. Vida knows that she is an adult. Never been a child and didn't expect herself to age into an elder. How long could a being truly exist….? Will She exist, forever and ever, until the universe goes black again? Could the universe truly die?

Vida realized that she is thinking unnecessary thoughts, musing sensingly. Oftentimes she laughed at herself for thinking these things. Vida was intelligent enough to know the uselessness of own thoughts.

Sometimes her thoughts were horrible, even heinous. Maybe it was boredom, but she often daydreamed about suffering and grief back on earth. How mortals were capable of savagery and hate. While also being loving and kind.

Vida admitted that mortals were sometimes more interesting than her. They were their own entity in a way. It bothered her that it was the truest.

Sometimes she had other horrible thoughts…..like she wondered if she was able to die at all. All life comes to an end but….what would end her life?

Her heart sped up at that horrible thought.


—-

Death…

Her own husband.

Was capable of ending her.

Vida didn't know it at first, but theoretically it made sense and she just now realized it. Her insides twisted and her emotions flared in uncomfortable senses. Like her mind was going haywire. He was the only one capable of making her suffer or cause her pain. Afterall, he was Death, the end of all life.

Surprisingly, that didn't disturb or scare her. It was after all the way it always was wasn't it? They were both on the opposite side of the coin. They were both supposed to be enemies, she'd create life and he would kill anything she'd create. They were both meant to be supposed to be enemies.

Maybe their love was a mistake. Maybe this was fate being cruel by making both life and death love another only to have a tragic ending at the end of their love story. An ending in which she is at the end of his sickles….

Maybe it didn't need to be "tragic" per say. Lobo was after all only doing his job, she would still love him if he did do it. Vida could exist for a millennia before her end would come. But she knows he wouldn't'...Lobo was far too emotionally attached to even consider that. It would kill him inside if Vida was gone. He'd be alone, and she didn't want him to be left alone in the darkness once again. After She died, the universe would go black after a while. Since one one is creating life anymore.

But a more selfish part of her did want him to do it. To end her emptiness that she feels in her soul everyday. Her life feels like static, it's not what it used to be. She didn't necessarily hate herself but if this was the closest thing she was ever going to feel grief. Then She didn't want it to happen anymore.

Tears sting from her eyes.

—-


She couldn't tell her lobo about these horrible thoughts. Or the fact that she cried for the first time in her existence.

Vida was convinced that she wouldn't feel sadness, but apparently she was wrong. Was this grief? Was this what it felt like to suffer emotionally? Is she feeling what the mortals felt?

She can't ask lobo's these questions or be open about her feelings about her own existence. He'd probably laugh at her for it. She wouldn't blame him if he did. Because how foolish of her to cry when she's got whatever she wanted?

So no.

Vida would stay chirpy and optimistic for her husband whenever he was around. She wouldn't vent out her true feelings to him, and drag him down to her level. No.
The mask she's wearing for him was necessary if she wanted this relationship to keep living. She is the perfect wife for him. The perfect lover and partner. He didn't need someone in his life who was self pitying. He needed some he could trust with his own feelings.

Maybe it was fake. Maybe she was being fake. But it was for the best.

Lobo kissed her goodbye as he went to work for a few weeks. Vida waved him a goodbye before entering her room and looking at her reflection of the receptive glass.

Looking through the mirror, she smiles.

Her smile is sweet, but not too bright. Only showing everyone that she was okay.

Tears fell down her cheeks, her crying was short lived. Mostly because she knew he'd come back, but being alone was always boring…

The emptiness returned and her soul once again felt bleak .