2017 Elizabeth

Allison and I are in Bed, Bath & Beyond, shopping to completely outfit her dorm. I can't believe my little girl is old enough to be going to college. She is picking out her towels and I'm grabbing the wet/dry vac. Once again, Allison will get fucked over by my job. I have to be at UNGA and won't be able to take her off to Bayard. Henry will be there as he always is, which, is a-whole-nother problem. He and I haven't spoken in three months. I got freaked out after that face time call. The way he was looking at me. He used to look at me that way all of the time. And it used to make me feel so loved. But to look at me like that, like nothing has happened, when really too much has happened. It upset me, so we don't talk, or I don't talk. He texts… about the kids mostly, and Blake calls him back. Which isn't his job, but he's loyal to a fault, and I don't deserve him.

2017 Henry

It's still morning when I arrive at the Georgetown house. Allison is bringing all of her boxes down to the kitchen table. I am hoping that Elizabeth is still here. We haven't talked at all for three months. She keeps avoiding me. Every question I have for her, which is all normal co-parenting questions mostly… Sometimes I do ask her how she's doing, and if she's okay. I worry about her being alone- and Stevie says she has nightmares. But she doesn't talk to me, Blake will call and answer every question about the kids. And when I get the nerve to ask him how Elizabeth is, "The Secretary is great. Thanks Dr. McCord." Sometimes I think she won't talk to me because she's moving on and she deserves to. She deserves the very best life has to offer. I didn't give that to her, so if she found someone who does, then what right do I have to be jealous? But I am, I don't want anyone else to know her the way I do.

"Hey Noodle" I take the box she is holding out of her hand and set it on the kitchen table. "Is your Mom still home?" I ask hoping I sound casual.

"Yes" Elizabeth says walking down the stairs holding another box. I go and grab that one from her and put it on the table as well. "Can you believe our Noodle is off to College?" She asks a slight whine in her voice.

2017 Elizabeth

I hear Henry walk in. He's early, I was hoping to already be gone by the time he got here. I just can't be around him right now. Because I'm pissed at him. Dr. Sherman says that delayed anger is perfectly normal in these situations. And I am mad. I don't think I've ever been more pissed off in my life. I've spent the last almost 2 years in a perpetual state of pain, so the anger is nice. It's something to hold onto for a while. I pick up one of Ally's boxes and head downstairs. I hear him ask if I'm still here.

"Yes" I answer him before Ally can. I try to hide my anger. I never want to fight with him again if I can help it. Fighting with him is so exhausting. And it hurts, because he knows me too well. He know what buttons to push and he knows what feeling can be twisted.

"Can you believe our Noodle is off to college?" I ask him, the kids are always a safe topic for us.

"No, I can't" He smiles at me, a genuine loving smile. I want to hit him. What right does he have to leave me and then look at me like that?

2017 Henry

"No, I can't" I smile at her, she looks beautiful. Her new haircut suits her, and she's tan. I see the quick flash of anger she covers well. I don't know what to say to make this tension better, so I decide to follow her lead.

"I have to go soon" She says. I can tell that having to be at UNGA while Allison is going away is taking a toll on her. She walks over to Allison to hug her goodbye, but she's holding onto her for dear life. The look on her face is one of bittersweet pain. I feel it too. You put all of your time and effort into your pride and joy for eighteen years, and then you're expected to turn them over to a hurtful and dangerous world. All you can do is hope you prepared them for it.

Four Years Before He Left – Henry

"I have to go, Henry." Her voice is horse and the coughing that follows her sentence is more than concerning. She can barely lift her head up. To be honest I'm torn between taking Stevie and staying with her.

"Baby, you cant. You're too sick" Her face twists in pain and her eyes fill with tears.

"She's my little girl." Her teary voice mingles with her sick one and my heart breaks.

"Babe, I'll take care of her." I promise her.

"I'm her mom. I'm supposed to be there." I know how she feels. Her parents weren't there. And neither was Joan. She moved in, out of her dad's old BMW, which she had packed by herself. It wasn't fair. The loss of her own parents has informed every parenting decision she has ever made. But, she shouldn't feel guilty for having the flu.

"I know it sucks. But she won't be gone forever. Thanksgiving isn't that far away. You got sick, babe. That's not your fault." I try to be as reassuring as possible.

"It's an eternity away." She whines in the melodramatic way, that I can't help but to adore.

"Stevie's going to be fine. I promise she's going to fine."

"Mom?" Stevie pokes her head through our bedroom door. She's trying to keep her face stoic, to help her mom through this. It's not that they don't fight. In fact they've fought a lot since Stevie turned eleven. But they love each other so much.

"Don't come in baby girl, I don't want you to get sick." I know how painful that was for her to say, for her to forego the goodbye hug. But Elizabeth is such a good mom. She would never risk our daughter having the flu on her first week at college.

"I love you mommy. I'll facetime you tonight, and show you my room." Stevie is trying so hard to be strong. But Elizabeth being sick her hurts her just as much as it hurts Elizabeth.

"I love you to the moon Stephanie." It's not until Stevie lands her feet on the last of the stairs that Elizabeth lets her tears fall. I bend down and give her a kiss to her feverish forehead.

"It's okay. I love you Elizabeth. And Stevie will be alright." I don't want to leave her alone. But I check the time, and I have to get on the road.

"I love you too. Now go." She waves her hand. I give her one more forehead kiss before making my way down to drive the little girl who made us parents off into the world.

2017 Elizabeth

"You should change your outfit." Blake says pulling me out of the shock for a brief minute. I look down to my sleeve almost surprised to see the blood there. I excuse myself to my room for a brief moment. I let a few of the tears I've been holding in fall. I shouldn't be surprised at the anxiety I feel rising up, just a reminder of the Murders that happened in front of me. At least that's not what happened today. Is it? Can I trust the gut feeling I have about it? No, it's just the PTSD talking… right? I bag my shirt like its evidence anyway.

"Blake!" I yell, "Please call my brother and ask him to meet me at Union Square instead of the restaurant"

2017 Henry

I'm playing Tetris with Allison's life as I try to fit the 2 boxes of shoes she insists she needs when I hear it on the radio. "The Assistant Foreign Minister of Timor-Leste died today, while in a meeting with Secretary of State Elizabeth Adams McCord" I find myself staring dumbfounded at the radio. I need to know what happened. I need to know if she's okay. I take my phone out of my pocket to text her. "Hey, just heard the news, you okay?" I hope she answers this one.

2017 Elizabeth

My phone dings while I'm on the way to the park. After speaking with Mrs. Bento, I'm more convinced that Mr. Bento was murdered. Or I'm going crazy. Maybe that's a possibility too. It's not like I've had a smooth ride since I took this job. So murder or insanity, they seem equally probable today. I'm trying to hide the fact that I have my shirt in a bag ready to give to Will, just in case it is insanity. I look at my phone and see it's a text from Henry. I debate reading it, but deciding it could be about Allison I open the phone. "Hey, just heard the news, you okay?" Am I okay? Why does he keep asking me that? Ever since the Philippines incident I get one of these a week. I can't answer this right now. I don't know why he's being so fucking nice to me.

I smile at Will as he waves to me from the hot dog cart.

"Was there something in between street meat and pate?" he remarks as I meet him in line. I shake my head in a faux scolding.

"I'm a little busy" I remind him with a laugh. "I actually need to ask you a favor, I need you to run a lab test on my blouse" He gives me a confused look, "Mr. Bento's blood is on the sleeve, I need you to run a tox screen"

"I don't happen to have a lab on me" he says handing me my hot dog and looking at me like I'm nuts. I take it and lead us to the closest bench.

"Look, something was going on. He has been trying to get a meeting with me for months, and then a healthy man just suddenly dies, that doesn't happen." I can hear the crazy coming out like word vomit.

"You're sublimating-"

"Don't!" I don't need his psychoanalysis right now, especially psychoanalysis from my baby brother. "It's not your field and for the record, I have a shrink" I remind him, whispering the last part so no one overhears.

"I just think that you're freaking out about Allison going to school, and you're upset that you're not there to take her." He says smugly.

"You know, it would make since that Allison going to college alone would open up all kinds of stuff for me, because I'm an orphan and -"

"She's not going alone, Lizzy" he cuts me off "Henry is taking her." And that's the whole problem. Henry is doing it, Henry is there and I'm not. He must notice the swift change in my mood, "Is that the problem?"

I nod and take a breath "I just- I want to hate him so bad, and I cant. I feel stuck, and crazy. But I was in the CIA and I know a murder when I see one. Will you please run the test?" He nods and takes the bag as he's walking away he turns back around.

"Want me to go beat him up?" I laugh and shake my head.

"You've never won a fight in your entire life, and he was a Marine."