Posting Four Chapters this week.
Sam
When we stepped out of the room, Azula was right behind us with the guard. "Guard, wait please." I pulled Zuko aside.
"How did it go?"
"She…Honestly, I'm not sure." I said. I couldn't deny it. "She is going to have trouble with this. I…" I wasn't sure how to say what I needed to. I was sure Zuko would not like it.
"What, Sam?"
"I…don't think she should go back tonight." Surprised covered his face.
"What?! You think she should stay here?!"
"Zuko, there is a lot that she has to work through and with the death of Ozai, I don't think it's a good idea for her to be alone. At least, not for tonight."
"You think she should stay in the palace?! You are the one who said she should be in prison!" Zuko said, louder than I thought he meant to.
"This is different, Zuko. And it's just one night." I was truly concerned for her. "I…am worried she will hurt herself. Keep her chi-blocking cuffs on her and post as many guards as you want in her room. Just…not tonight. Please, Zuko."
Zuko looked at me, speculatively, "Fine. Just for tonight," he agreed. I sighed in relief.
"Guard, take Azula to her room. I want those cuffs staying on her and I want four of the best benders in her room with her at all times. No exceptions."
"Yes, your majesty." He took Azula's arm and lead her to a room.
Later that evening, Zuko and I were getting ready to eat.
"Zuko, invite her." He rolled his eyes.
"You are really trying to test my tolerance level, aren't you?" He said. I thought he was joking but I wasn't sure.
"She needs it. She just lost the person who she thought the most of in the world and now she is feeling alone. Please Zuko. Do it for your sister." Zuko pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers, but reluctantly agreed.
We sat in the dining room and waited for Azula. The guard brought her in and she sat down at the table on the other side of Zuko. She looked puzzled.
"Good evening, Azula." I said then I looked at the guard. "Guard, will you please remove her cuffs?"
Zuko slammed his fist down hard on the table which made me jump, "No! Guard, leave them on!" His golden eyes turned on me and burned into me, "You're really trying me tonight, Sam." It was then I realized, he had not been joking.
"Oh, Zuko, stop being so dramatic. The guard will be here the whole time. If she tries anything he is here, you are one of the best firebenders in the world and I'm…here too." I really didn't know how to define myself. I looked back at the guard, "please take them off." I saw Zuko's hands go into fists out of the corner of my eye. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "You want reform for her, Zuko? Give her a chance and show some good faith. If I'm wrong, then I'll take full responsibility, ok?" His brow furrowed and he scowled.
"You're damn right you will." he said, angrily.
I looked over at Azula and she looked confused, but she didn't protest. He took the cuffs off. She absentmindedly rubbed he wrists and she placed her hands in her lap. She wouldn't make eye contact with me. I didn't care. As long as she behaved. I stole a glance at Zuko and he had his awkward face on. He didn't know it, but I loved that look on him.
"Azula, how is your room? Are you comfortable?" I asked trying to make conversation.
She looked at me in surprise. I knew that look. She wanted to open up, to show us that she cared, but she couldn't. She was still under the thumb of her father. "Yes, thank you."
"Well, I'm glad you could join us tonight," I said, smiling. I looked down and saw Zuko's hands were still in fists. I reached over and squeezed them, trying to loosen his grip. I nudged him in the ribs.
"Yes, I'm glad you could join us too," he mumbled. Wow, what an effort. I thought sarcastically.
Azula looked down at her hands. She was obviously feeling just as awkward as Zuko was. I nudged him again and he looked at me. I mouthed say something to him. He shrugged and I rolled my eyes.
"So, Zuko told me about the time you and your family were on Ember Island and you all went to see Love Amongst the Dragons." I said, trying to make conversation. At least one of us had to make an effort.
To my surprise, Azula smiled, "yes, every year we would see that. The Ember Island Actors. Wasn't that the name of them, Zuko?"
"Ember Island Players." he corrected, "our mother loved that play. They butchered it every year."
"Yes, the acting was so bad, too."
Zuko, laughed, despite himself, "that's an understatement." Zuko's face turned to sadness. "I remember when the show was over, Father always had to carry you out. You always fell asleep."
"Really? I…don't remember that." she said, smiling sadly. My heart hurt for them both. There were some good memories they shared with their father, but not nearly enough.
"Yeah, I don't know why I stayed awake through it. I think I just couldn't look away, it was so bad." Zuko chuckled.
"Yes, mother loved it so much too. I really didn't know what she saw in it."
"I saw it a few years ago in the Earth Kingdom. It was much better then."
Zuko didn't talk about his mother much. I didn't know much about her. I knew that he had found her after he took the throne but the life in the palace got to be too much for her - the memories of her marriage too painful. They had moved to a house in Capital City. Zuko kept in touch for a while, but he felt he was imposing on them, so he stopped going. It was something I planned on bringing up some day. But that day was not today.
"I can't imagine it being much worse." Azula laughed. I realized, it was the first time I heard her genuinely laugh.
They served the food and we at in silence, enjoying our meal. I didn't eat much. I still had pain in my stomach from my whole ordeal and eating was something that was a challenge. I only ate about a quarter of it and pushed it away.
"Sam," Zuko scolded, "you have to eat."
"I did eat, Zuko. I'm….in too much pain." I said grimacing, holding my stomach. I saw Azula look at me in my peripheral vision. "I'm going to need to lay down soon." I had been up for a while.
"I…I'm sorry for what happened to you." Azula said barely audible but I heard it. I could tell Zuko was surprised. I kept my poker face.
"Thank you, Azula. That means a lot to me." I smiled.
"My…our…father. He was a cruel man. He only cared about himself. Even torturing his daughter-in-law. It's disgraceful." she muttered. I thought she said it louder than she meant to. I didn't think we were meant to hear it. But hear it, we did.
"He was. He hated me. At least he loved you." Zuko said.
"Loved me? He didn't love me, Zuko. He used me. I was scared to death of him."
"Really? You always seemed so sure around him."
"It was an act. If I showed weakness he would…punish me." Zuko knew what she meant. His hand went up to his scar. "It wasn't fair, you know? You were a just a boy." Zuko looked at her and gave her a small smile. I don't think he had ever had a tender moment with his sister. Then Azula's facade was back, "Well, not that this isn't a thrilling conversation, Zuzu, but I think I will retire for the evening." She said. Zuko's eyes widened at her sudden change in demeanor. The guard came over and cuffed her again. She stood and looked over her shoulder, "Good night, dear brother."
"That was surprisingly pleasant. For the most part." I mused after she was out of the room.
"Yes, it was." Zuko said. He looked over at me and he could read the pain on my face. He helped me up and to the bedroom for me to lay down.
I hadn't bathed since I got home that night. I was too weak, but I thought I could tonight. My thoughts went back to when Zuko found me. I never thought I'd see him again but I heard the fire bending and knew it was him. He had approached me slowly. Almost like I was a spooked animal. His words so soft. "Hunny, I'm here. You're safe now." The moment I saw him approach me I instantly felt safer. He and his guards lifted me onto the rhino. It was so painful to sit on the hard saddle - even with the blanket. But I had to endure it if I ever wanted to get home. The irony wasn't lost on me that this is how I was initially brought to my new home in the Fire Nation. But this time Zuko held me. This time it wasn't awkward but tender. And I felt so safe.
When we got home, he so carefully lowered me into the bathtub. It hurt at first but quickly felt soothing. He had removed his shirt after getting it soaked. He didn't know it, but as he worked, I watched his muscles and sinew flex and slide under his skin. Not only did I enjoy my view (as any red blooded woman would), but it kept me focused on something other than the pain. His squeegeeing water and soap over my body. Working out the mats in my hair. I couldn't do it. I could barely move. I was so sore and so weak yet. I felt so dirty and not just physically. He bathed me. He was gentle and loving. Taking care to clean me without causing me pain. At least, as much as he could. I'd been raped before by Jakar, but he was nothing compared to these barbarians. When he washed me, I had never felt pain like that before. But he was gentle. And careful. And he spoke soothingly to me. No one had ever taken care of me like that before and I loved him for it. Zuko's voice brought me back to reality.
"I think I should help you again, Sam."
"I'll be alright." Zuko pursed his lips, thinking. He closed his eyes and looked at me with conviction.
"Why are you so stubborn? It…would make me feel better if I helped you, Sam. I am not sure you can do it on your own yet. Please?" he said. I could see genuine concern on his face and so I gave in.
"Alright." I said. Even though I thought I could do it myself, I did feel better that he was there.
We drew the bath and I climbed into the tub, letting the water soothe my aching body once again. Zuko sat on a stool in the bathing room. He leaned back against the wall, crossed his arms and watched me. I leaned and scooched forward making room. "Join me?"
He looked surprised. He deliberated for a moment and then decided to grant my request. He took his clothes off and climbed into the tub behind me, sitting down with his legs on either side of me. I slid back against him, between his legs. I leaned back against his body and he put his arms around me, gently. We didn't say anything. I just laid in the water, letting its warmth lap against my skin. As much as I wanted him, I wasn't ready for intimacy yet. Not only emotionally, but physically. I was still sore and still bleeding although not as badly as I was that first night. When the water would start to get cool, Zuko would heat it with his firebending.
I didn't realize it, but I had fallen asleep like that, laying in Zuko's embrace. The warm water really did feel good on my aching body. When I woke, I looked up at him and, of course, he wasn't sleeping. Sometimes I wasn't convinced he did sleep. He was looking down at me, smiling.
"What?" I asked.
"You, my Fire Lily. Just watching you sleep. Holding you in my arms. You looked so peaceful, your head laying on my chest. You haven't slept like that since before…" he trailed off.
"Well, laying here with you, us both naked. Like this. Just you and me. Your arms around me, holding me close to you. I feel comforted. I feel loved. I feel…safe." I said. Zuko smiled and kissed my head.
I decided that it was time for what I had come in to do. Zuko stood, climbing out of the tub while I bathed. He dried off and put his pants back on but left his shirt off. He didn't leave the room. He didn't trust that I was safe independently yet. I finished and tried to stand, but I was still too weak. Zuko stood up and helped me stand and climb out of the tub. I put his shirt on again. I admit, I liked wearing it. It was loose, comfortable and long enough I could wear just the shirt. It smelled like him. The faint smell of man and campfire ash. I loved how I felt in it - completely swallowed up by it - I felt safe wearing it. Like he was always around me.
We both laid down in bed in our normal position. He was stroking my arm and I was playing with his chest hair.
"So tell me, what did you think?" I asked.
"Of what?"
"Of tonight. With Azula at dinner." I clarified.
"It was…nice. I haven't sat down with her like that in years. She…surprised me."
"Yeah? How so?"
"Well, she never told me that about father. How she did respect him. How she feared him."
"Yes, she has only just realized that herself in the past month or so."
"It was more than that, Sam. She…expressed sympathy for…" he touched his scar. I reached up and took his hand into mine.
"Yes, I was surprised by that too. I was glad. But surprised. Didn't you say she always acted like you…almost deserved it?"
"Yes, she did. She even said it to me a couple of times. And how I was a disgrace to the Fire Nation and to our father. But tonight, her expressing almost a regret that he did that to me. I wasn't expecting it. I hate to admit it, but you were right about keeping her here tonight. I didn't think you were."
"Yeah, no kidding. You didn't exactly go our of your way to hide it, Zuko." I said sarcastically, "but, if I'm honest, I think that she will heal better now that he is gone. Once she moves past his death anyway. I was proud of her tonight. And of you." I said. Even though it started out a bit rocky, he really did open up to her.
"I thought for sure she would use her firebending and try to escape. There was a time when she would have."
"Well, she's come a long way, Zuko. She has accepted her fate and knows she earned her place in prison. I still think there is hope for her yet." Zuko smiled but his face went sullen again.
"She still goes back to prison first thing in the morning." Zuko said, sternly.
"Yes, hunny, I know. But this was a big step for her and we need to acknowledge that. We will see how our sessions go going forward."
