Zuko
The next several weeks went by quickly. We had a lot of preparing and our days went by quickly. Sam's wounds were almost all healed. She didn't seem to be sore anymore and was able to carry on with her regular duties. She and I hadn't been intimate yet though. I knew she was still struggling with it emotionally. Every time we tried, she would have flashbacks. I felt guilty every time it happened. I didn't want her to remember it and I didn't want to be the one who triggered it.
But we had plenty to keep us busy. Preparing for the Council of Nations took a lot of time and effort. It was short notice so there was a lot to do in a short amount of time. Thankfully, Uncle was here. After we told him what happened happened leading up to Ozai's death, he decided he wanted to be here for this. We hadn't told him any details, mostly because it was hard for Sam to talk about. For me to talk about. But I didn't mind his presence. Quite the contract. Any time I could spend with Uncle I took willingly.
Sam was at her desk working on finalizing some details for the council. They would be arrive in the next day or so. Sam was in charge of their living arrangements while they would be here. Although their time here would be short, they certainly would spend at least one night and we needed to prepare the rooms for them. She also was working with the cooks to prepare the meals for them as well.
I stretched at my desk and rubbed my eyes. I was sleepy from all the reading and stiff from sitting so long. "I'm ready for a nap."
"Tell me about it. I can't wait until all of this is behind us and we can get back to normal."
"Well, I wish I could take a nap but there is just too much to do. I am going to get some lunch though. Let's take a break, huh?" Sam eyed me and shrugged.
"I'll eat later. You go on."
"Well, if you're not ready, I'll wait for you." I said. I didn't want her to have to eat by herself. She looked at me and smiled.
"No, someone should go. Iroh will be eating alone otherwise. You go, hunny. You haven't had a chance to spend much time with him." I nodded reluctantly. She was right, he would eat alone but I still didn't want her eating by herself. But, I also knew what she was doing - giving me time alone with Iroh without making it obvious. I stood up and walked to the dining room.
I walked in and, sure enough, there was Uncle. He smiled to welcome me and he lifted his cup of tea to my arrival. I smiled and shook my head. He always made me smile.
"Hello, Uncle." I sat down across from him.
"Where is Sam?"
"She is going to eat later. She wanted to give us time alone. We haven't had any since you got here."
"Well, I will miss her presence, but it's nice to get some time with you, my nephew."
"Yes, it is." I smiled.
"So, how is she doing?" Iroh asked. He had talked to her about what happened but he didn't know details. He also knew that she would understate what she was feeling. How did he know people so well?
"She is…coping." I said. "She doesn't really say much."
"No, I wouldn't think so. It seems like it was quite traumatic for her." Iroh said. He looked at me out the side of his eye, "I am glad we got some time alone. I've been meaning to talk to you about this. I can tell you need to. It was traumatic for you too."
Sometimes I forgot how well Uncle knew me. "It was. Be glad you didn't see her. I still can't get it out of my head." I said looking off into the distance, seeing it in my mind.
"Do you…want to talk about it?" Iroh asked. He wasn't prying. But he also knew how much it had affected me. Even if I didn't say it.
"Not much to say, Uncle. But I almost lost her."
"I know. That much have been hard for you. I don't know what they did to her but I did notice her fingernails are growing back in." I grimaced at the thought. "Talk to me, Nephew." I closed my eyes and my head dropped. Iroh laid his hand on mine. I opened my eyes and I started to reminisce.
"When I got there. She was laying still, tied to a tree by her hands and neck. I wasn't even sure she was alive. I walked over to her and she was staring off into space. She was covered in blood and she had been…assaulted…several times." Iroh took in a short breath, knowing what I meant. I continued. "I untied her hands and neck and covered her since she was…exposed. She had been chi-blocked. That's how they got to her. They kept her chi-blocked so she couldn't bend or move. Jok and Shen helped me get her onto the rhino. I've seen a lot of things in my time - well, you know - but nothing like this. Fen said he was surprised she was still alive."
"Zuko, that must have been very hard for you. Although you have seen and experienced cruelty in your life even from a young age, you've never seen that kind of cruelty. It's hard to believe what people will do to each other. But you love her and she loves you. That is what will help her heal."
I spoke barely above a whisper. "She…won't even touch me. We try but she can't. She has flashbacks. Then she pushes me away and just rolls over with her back facing me. Then she won't talk to me. She won't even look at me." I hadn't planned on talking about this with Uncle but he always made me feel so safe. I guess this is what it feels like to have a father. "Sometimes…I still see her staring off like she did when I found her. She never used to do that. But she does now. It worries me."
"Zuko, remember I told you that the best thing a man can have is the love of a woman?" I nodded. "Well, the same can be said for a lady. The best thing a woman can have is a husband who loves her, protects her, cares for her. You provide that to her, Zuko. Give her time. She will come around."
"What if she doesn't? I can't stand the distance, Uncle. I just…want to feel the closeness again. It isn't even about the phsyical aspect of it." Tears were starting to well in my eyes.
"Time will heal her, Nephew. And your love and understanding will go a long way. Be patient with her." I smiled and nodded. We finished our lunch in silence. Even though I was nowhere near figuring things out with Sam, I felt better having just talked to him.
Sam and I went back to working after I had lunch. I brought some food back for her since I knew she wouldn't go. We finished our work and, after dinner, we went to bed. I decided to take a bath so I went into the bathing room and cleaned myself up. Sam had already taken a bath before I got there. I pumped some water into the tub and heated it with my firebending and quickly bathed. I always bathed much quicker than she did. When I finished I realized that I didn't have my clothes in the bathing room with me - I could have sworn I grabbed them. I dried off and walked out to get my night pants. They weren't where I had thought I left them.
I looked around and I heard Sam clear her throat. I looked up and saw her. She was laying on the bed without anything on. In her hand were my pants. She tossed them to her end of the room. She got up and walked over to me across the bed on her knees. I could feel myself becoming aroused. She looked down and smiled. She crooked a finger at me. She smiled and bit her lip. I guess we were trying it again.
I walked over to her and stood in front of her, next to the bed, and put an arm around her. She reached down and stroked me which my body responded to in kind. She let go and wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her breasts against me. Her nipples were hard. I reached down and took her breast into my hand, massaging it. She moaned and leaned back, still holding on to my neck. I climbed on top of her. My arousal was pressing against her leg. I was ready for her. I had been waiting for so long for this. My body wanted her badly and I could tell she wanted me too.
I reached down and started to guide myself inside her. As soon as we touched, I felt was her hands pushing against my shoulders and she crab-walked out from under me. She was hyperventilating. I sighed. We were so close - closer than we had been since before the incident. She laid down on her side, facing away from me. I went into the bathing room and finished on my own. I didn't go back out. I sat down on the stool. I propped my elbows on my knees and my head went into my hands. I was frustrated. Personally. Emotionally. Sexually. She would come for me and then, she would back out. I knew it wasn't her fault. But it was hard to not get upset.
I walked out into the bedroom and she hadn't moved. I walked over to her side of the bed and grabbed my pants. I didn't look at her but I knew she was watching me. I walked over to my side of the bed, put my pants on and climbed in. I laid on my side of the bed with my back to her. I felt her move so I knew that she rolled over.
I was upset. I couldn't talk right now but I knew she wanted to. I felt her touch my back and I heard her sniffle. I closed my eyes but didn't move. I felt her slide closer to me and her hand went from my back and wrapped around my shoulder. She pulled herself close to me and I felt her kissing my back. I knew she felt guilty. I knew she hated it that she turned me on and then couldn't reciprocate. I knew that. But I couldn't handle this tonight. I reached up and touched the hand on my shoulder.
"It's ok. Just go to sleep." I heard her sniffle again and the hand on my shoulder slid off and out from under mine.
"I'm sorry." she croaked.
"Sam, I said it's ok. Just go to sleep. Please." I said softly. I didn't feel her move.
"Are you mad?"
"No," I said. I wasn't but I also knew it didn't sound convincing.
"I'm sorry, Zuko. Please, don't be mad at me. I'm sorry I led you on. I thought I could tonight."
"Sam, I told you. I'm not angry. Now just leave it alone and go to sleep." I snapped and I heard her gasp. Real smooth, Zuko. I knew I'd done it as soon as the words were out of my mouth and I instantly regretted them. I was a horrible husband.
I rolled over so I could see her. She was kneeling on the bed and sitting on her feet. Her head was bowed and she was holding her torso like she was trying to keep herself from falling apart. I sat up and slid over to her. I placed my hand on her back.
"Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that the way it came out. It's ok. I'm not mad," I said. She broke.
"Yes, you are! You are mad at me! How many times have we tried and failed? How many times have I tried and failed? You should be angry at me. I lead you on and then I don't follow through. You've been so patient with me and understanding and how do I repay you?" I held up my fingers to her mouth to stop her.
"Sam, I promise, I'm not angry. Look at me." I told her. I didn't continue talking until she looked up at me and I knew all she saw was a loving face. She smiled a small smile that did not touch her eyes. "You are doing better each time. We will get there. You've been through probably the worst thing that can happen to a person. You have to be patient. Don't be so hard on yourself, ok?" She looked at me, confused.
"How can you say that?!" she shouted in frustration, "I get you all hot and bothered and then I just leave you hanging. Literally!" I looked at her. A corner of my mouth twitched up.
"Hot and bothered? Leave me hanging?" I couldn't help it. I laughed. "Oh, my Fire Lily, you certainly have a way with words, do you know that?" She giggled despite herself. "I'm sorry I made you feel bad. I didn't mean to. I can't imagine how hard this is for you."
I slid my hand across her back and hooked it around her body, pulling her close. She crawled between my legs and tucked herself in against my body. I leaned back against the headboard. I held her head to my chest and stroked her hair. She wrapped her arm around my neck and her other arm she had around my shoulder. She buried her face into my chest and cried. I continued to stroke her hair. I wrapped my free arm around her body and held her close. She still had no clothes on and her skin felt cold.
"Aren't you cold?" She shrugged. That was a "yes". I reached over and brought the blanket over us. I slid us both down so we were laying. She stayed between my legs and she laid her head on my stomach. One of her arms was on the bed next to me and the other she had resting on my body. I felt her breathing start to slow down and I knew she was falling asleep. I grabbed one of the other pillows and tucked it under my head. I wasn't exactly in a position of comfort but I closed my eyes and, I too, went to sleep.
