In which Utakata has a bad night.

This chapter is darker than others before. If you think you might need to, please check the content warnings in the end notes. A short summary will follow just in case you think the chapter might be too intense.

O-O-O

"Utakata-kun?" A familiar voice called his name.

He wanted to respond, but his body refused to wake up. Sleep was more important. What did the voice want? Couldn't they tell he was busy sleeping?

"Utakata-kun?" A hand shook his shoulder, the voice growing insistent. "Wake up. It's time."

"Time for what?" Utakata sat up with a whine, rubbing the sleep away. "It's the middle of the night!" He squinted up at his teacher, hoping his glare could convey his annoyance.

The glare slid off Harusame like water off a duck. He gave Utakata a quick half-smile, gesturing for him to stand up.

"It's time for me to show you what we came here for," Harusame explained. "Come."

Utakata stood up, stretching his arms above his head. "Oh?"

Harusame turned away and gestured for Utakata to follow along. "The rest of the team has finally arrived."

"The rest of the team?"

"Yes. Follow me." Harusame started walking away.

Utakata sighed. Walking half a step behind Harusame, the two men left the campsite behind. Up above, the razor-thin moon watched over them, unsympathetic to his lack of sleep, leaving most of the world in darkness. Based on its position, Utakata guessed dawn would arrive in three or four hours.

"What time is it, sensei?" Utakata asked while holding back yet another yawn.

"Nearly three in the morning," Harusame answered without looking back. If the lack of sleep bothered him, he hid it well.

Utakata groaned. "And why are we going… somewhere at three in the morning? Couldn't this wait for dawn at least?"

Leading the way, the older man shook his head. "The team arrived not too long ago and I considered it best to get this done as quickly as possible."

"Get what done?"

Harusame stopped in his tracks, glancing back to flash him a smile. Despite the darkness, his spectacles reflected what little light there was. "It's finally time for me to show you the fuuinjutsu project I've been working on."

"Oh?" Utakata yawned. "Is it finally time? You've been working on it for years now."

Harusame turned back and continued walking. "I had to make sure it was perfect."

Utakata frowned as he followed his teacher's footsteps. Despite the late—or early—hour, Utakata's curiosity was piqued. Was Harusame so impatient that even daybreak was too far away?

They kept walking. Some ten minutes later, they trudged up a small hill. At the top was a large, circular clearing. A flat stone block stood at the center, four pillars surrounding it in the four cardinal directions. Standing near the flat stone were four men, nearly invisible in the darkness. But the white masks covering their faces were unmistakable.

Utakata hummed to himself. Why were ANBU agents there?

Harusame and Utakata walked toward them.

"I'm glad you could come, Tsurugi." Harusame greeted a man standing slightly in front of the other three.

"Hey." Utakata raised a hand in greeting.

"Good evening, Utakata-sama." The four shinobi met his greeting with respectful nods.

A smile tugged at Utakata's lips. Unlike most other Kirigakure shinobi, the ANBU could always be counted on for their professional courtesy. If they thought he should slice his stomach open and let the organs fall out, they kept it to themselves.

"I apologize if the time and place are inconvenient," Harusame said with a polite nod.

"We live to follow your instructions, Sir." The man—Tsurugi—answered from behind his mask. The voice was deep, calm and professional.

"Still, it's not something one should do often." Harusame chuckled.

Utakata tuned out the rest of the pleasantries as he took the chance to truly examine the circular clearing where he now found himself. Now that he was within the circle, the tell-tale fuuinjutsu markings were clear as day. They wove between the central stone and the pillars, spelling out instructions he could never hope to understand.

"Well, unless anyone has any pressing matters, I believe it is time we get started."

Utakata turned his attention back to the matter at hand. "Is this going to take long?" he asked with a yawn.

Harusame shook his head. "If everything goes according to play, this will all be done in ten minutes or less."

"In that case, I've got no pressing matters." Utakata shrugged. The faster they could finish this fuuinjutsu project, the faster he could go back to bed.

Harusame turned his attention back to the four ANBU members. "You know your posts."

With a curt nod, the four men leaped into place. They each crouched down in front of one of the pillars, their gaze fixated on the center. Without complaint, they waited.

Utakata hummed to himself. A fuuinjutsu master aided by four experienced shinobi? For the thousandth time, he wondered what his teacher planned to do. Fuuinjutsu that required the chakra of more than one person was rare. It had to be a large summoning. Or had his teacher uncovered one of the secrets of the Uzumaki and was hoping to recreate it?

Ever since the demise of Uzushiogakure, much of their expertise regarding fuuinjutsu had been lost. If even half of the rumors were true, then the Uzumaki had learned how to summon the God of Death himself. Was his teacher planning to follow in their footsteps?

"So, what are you doing, sensei?" Utakata glanced down at the script at his feet. With the ritual yet to start, the lines were dark and opaque.

"I'm going to do something I should've done long ago," the man answered, voice certain.

"Hm? Do what?" Utakata suppressed a yawn.

"I never should've sealed that beast inside of you," Harusame's voice was bitter as he glared away into the distance. "Because of what I did, you've lived a difficult life. Of pain. Suffering. The fact that you were only a child only makes it worse. If only I—"

"You never made my life worse, sensei," Utakata interrupted before Harusame could continue the stream of apologies and regrets, already growing tired of the same conversation. How long would it take the older man to realize Utakata never blamed him for anything?

"I'm happy with my life now," he continued. "You didn't do anything wrong. Besides, they were orders from the Fourth Mizukage, weren't they?"

Harusame shook his head. "No. I could've done something. Argued back. Refused the order. Run away. Something."

And then die to a mind-controlled Yagura.

Utakata sighed. "There's nothing you could've done, sensei."

Harusame raised an eyebrow. "Wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't a jinchuuriki? Better?"

"Maybe." Utakata shrugged. "But it is what it is." He shrugged again.

Harusame shook his head again. "Well, soon enough we'll know." He sounded more certain than Utakata could ever remember. "Because after this, you will live that life. It's time for me to undo what I did to you all those years ago."

A second of silence passed. Then another. Utakata's mind struggled to process what he had just heard. He had to be dreaming, right? Was Harusame really implying…

Utakata flinched, taking a half step back. "Y-you're not going to… wait… what? Undo?" His heart threatened to burst out of his chest at the sudden terror that coursed through his body. Did his master want him to die?

"When a bijuu is removed from its host's body, the host dies immediately after." Harusame's voice was cold and analytical, giving only facts. "This is because of the sudden separation of two separate but interwoven chakra systems." He took a step forward. "But if we separate the two systems slowly and supplement the host with an external source, we can allow the host's own chakra system to heal until it can survive on its own."

An involuntary laugh escaped Utakata's lips as he took another step back. "You're joking." His heart pounded in his ears. It had to be a joke. No jinchuuriki could survive having the bijuu extracted.

"I'm not." Harusame shook his head. "I've done my research. I'll keep you safe. I promise." Even in the darkness, his teacher's expression was calm and collected, certain that his plan would work.

"No… that's…" Utakata gulped down the fear that was threatening to overwhelm him. How could Harusame think he could separate the Rokubi without leading to his death? And even if an extraction would work, what would happen to Utakata and the Room? Would he lose his connection to the others?

"It's what's best for you, Utakata-kun," Harusame insisted, giving him a soft smile. "Trust me. Just think of how much better your life will be after." Harusame walked forward and raised a hand up to squeeze Utakata's shoulder. "I only want what's best for you."

A shiver ran down his spine and he shook his head again. "But… what if—"

"No what ifs." The older man's grip on his shoulder tightened. "It's something that needs to be done."

Utakata let out a shuddering breath. His mouth opened but no words came out. None of this could be happening. This couldn't be real.

'Utakata-kun?' Saiken's voice cut through Utakata's muddled thoughts. 'What's wrong?'

Utakata didn't have a chance to answer. The sudden interruption from Saiken had given Harusame a chance. Before Utakata could answer the bijuu, a cold sensation around his left wrist made him freeze in terror.

Mute, he glanced down at the constraint—a chain engraved in fuuinjutsu markings. Even to his inexperienced eyes, he knew the chains would keep all but the most extreme users of chakra contained. Fast as lightning, a second set of chains wrapped around his right wrist.

"S-sensei?" Utakata was frozen in place and he stared down at his hands in shock. None of this could be happening. How could the man that had cared from him since childhood be willing to risk his death?

"It's for your own good, Utakata-kun," Harusame repeated.

Utakata's brain finally began catching up to the situation at hand. He thrashed against his chains. But strengthened with the power of fuuinjutsu, they were tougher than any steel.

'Utakata?' Saiken's voice reminded him that he wasn't alone. The giant slug, normally cheerful and carefree, had never sounded so terrified. 'Do you need to transform?'

Utakata shook his head frantically. "No!" he shouted, an answer to both Harusame and Saiken. He hadn't practiced how to transform. What if he hurt Harusame or the others? He dug his heels into the ground.

Harusame's grip on the chains tightened. "I'm sorry, Utakata-kun." Despite the clear regret in his voice, it was clear he wasn't planning to let him free. Not when his goal was so close at hand. "You'll thank me later."

Utakata stopped breathing. In shock, he barely registered as Harusame pulled him by the wrists toward the flat stone at the center of the circle. There, he was tied down to the altar with more of the reinforced chains. The cold metal burned against his skin, but he was too numb to truly protest.

In the back of his mind, Saiken kept trying to talk, urging Utakata to transform. To fight back in full. To let Utakata free himself.

But Utakata barely registered anything. He had to be stuck in a dream. A nightmare. A genjutsu of a powerful enemy. For how could the man that had raised him chain him down like this?

Harusame was talking as well, but Utakata understood nothing. All he could see were the older man's lips moving.

Tears rolled down his face. Was he about to die? To lose his connection to the other jinchuuriki forever?

Whatever the case, his body refused to move. What could he do now other than cry? Other than beg for freedom? Despite his years as a shinobi, he had never felt more like a child waking up from a nightmare.

"I want—your life—live—"

'Let me—I'll—you can't—'

Harusame and Saiken's words blended together into an unintelligible cacophony. Utakata was about to die. He couldn't fight it. He was powerless and weak and horrified.

Eyes full of tears, he stared up at his teacher. The man who had been his father in everything but name.

The older man noticed his stare. He smiled, a reassurance in the most horrifying moment of Utakata's life.

"With this power." Harusame smiled one last time, eyes full of hope and self-satisfaction.

It was the last Utakata saw of his teacher before blacking out

O-O-O

Naruto startled awake and bolted up in bed.

His body was drenched in sweat and his face covered in tears. Despite the summer heat, his entire body shivered as if it were the middle of winter. His heart pounded a dreadful tune in his ears.

Panting, he pulled his legs close to his body and buried his forehead between his knees. Ice cold terror buried itself in the pit of his stomach, more intense than he had ever experienced. Even his faceoff with the Kyuubi paled in comparison. What nightmare could be worse than that?

Choking back a sob, Naruto raised a shaking forearm to wipe away at his face. With a shudder, he forced himself to take a long breath in and out the way Roshi had taught him. Inhale. Exhale.

Naruto wasn't sure how long he sat with his forehead between his knees. Eventually, however, his breathing calmed. Shaking, he left his bed, untangling himself from his blankets as he did so.

Balance uncertain, he hobbled to the bathroom, where he turned on the tap before splashing his face with cold water. The liquid dripped down, running cold trails down his neck and torso that made him shiver. The discomfort was almost soothing.

Naruto gripped the sides of the sink. He took more forceful breaths in and out, but it was pointless. His eyes filled with tears again.

What's wrong with me?

A sob escaped his lips. What kind of nightmare could have frightened him like that? And why couldn't he remember it?

He shook his head in a vain attempt to keep his emotions in check. Not wanting to break down further, he turned the tap on again, cupping his hands together to take a drink. Despite the simplicity of the action, his hands shook, spilling water all over himself. But already soaked with sweat and tears, it made no difference.

Naruto was unsure how long he stood gripping the sides of the sink. But eventually, his breath had almost returned to normal. Exhausted, he hobbled back to his bed, collapsing face first onto a pillow.

Instantly, his eyes filled with tears and his throat choked back a sob.

He e wished there was someone there with him. But Sasuke was at home and despite Ino's best pleas, she had yet to convince her father to allow a sleepover with boys. The other jinchuuriki were certainly asleep or busy, too. And how could he bother Gaara with whining about a nightmare?

After moving out of the orphanage, he was often glad to live alone. But other times…

Naruto sat up. There was someone he could talk to.

He almost fell off the bed, scrambling down to the floor. Trembling, he reached for the nearest kunai hidden under his bed. With it in his hand, he crawled under the bed, prying open the floorboard that hid the photo of his mother.

Even in the total darkness under the bed, the mere act of touching the photograph calmed him. A new set of tears streamed down his face, full of relief and comfort. With the photo held up to his chest, he crawled back into bed, pulling the covers over his head.

"Mom?" Huddled under the blanket, Naruto whispered to the old photo.

But no one answered. Silence surrounded him, threatening to suffocate him.

Naruto hesitated before speaking again. What would his mother have said if she were there? Would she get mad at being woken up in the middle of the night? Or would she scream at him for crying like a baby when he was less than a year away from graduation? Somehow, he doubted it.

Naruto? Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare? He imagined that she would ask.

Huddled in his bed, Naruto nodded, hugging the photograph up to his heart. No matter how old, his mother would want to comfort him, right? At least, he hoped she would.

He imagined a hand sweeping his bangs away from his forehead before placing a kiss on top. It's okay. Come here.

And then she would hug him. Tell him everything would be all right. Then he would finally fall back asleep, content in his mother's protection.

But it was all a fantasy. His mother wasn't there. She would never be there.

Lonelier than before, Naruto began to cry again. He thought he could hear the jinchuuriki in the Room but at that point, he barely noticed. All he wanted was his mom.

At some point, he somehow managed to fall back asleep. He woke up hours later with the sun shining through the window, already late for school.

O-O-O

Sitting at the edge of his window, Gaara out at the village outside.

Considering it was the middle of the night, most of the citizens were asleep, leaving Sunagakure in near total darkness.

Not that it makes any difference if others are awake.

Since the end of their last mission, Kankuro and Temari had said nothing to him. The only people he could almost trust. But Gaara couldn't blame them. Who would want to talk to someone that had nearly murdered them, accident or not?

Haunted by his loss of control, Gaara pulled his legs close to his body and rested his forehead between his knees.

His brother and sister had the right to hate him, to fear him. It was all his fault. He was weak. Pathetic. Their mother was dead because of him. Yashamaru was dead because of him. Dozens if not hundreds of others could list him as their cause of death.

The thing wrong with Sunagakure wasn't the Kazekage. It wasn't Shukaku. It definitely wasn't one of his siblings or the people. It was Gaara.

Despite his best efforts, tears came unbidden.

Why was he even around anymore? If he weren't in Sunagakure…

Gaara swallowed, thoughts running through his mind. Without him, Kankuro and Temari could live and train like the other children. The citizens would no longer live in fear of Shukaku's rage. No one would have to die or get hurt because of him.

Wiping his tears with a forearm, Gaara lifted his head to look at the pansies next to him. While the sight usually brought him joy, that time it only brought his mood down further.

How had he convinced the family in Shisen he could be trusted? Why had they given him such a precious gift? Tearing his gaze away from the flowers, he stared at the village outside once more.

Wouldn't it be better for everyone if you left?

Gaara's heart began to pound in his ears as possibilities ran through his mind.

If Gaara tried to run away, the Kazekage would certainly hunt him down as quickly as possible. But would the man bring him back alive? Or would he use desertion as an excuse to get rid of Gaara once and for all?

But even if he managed it, where could he go? Would the adult jinchuuriki take him in? Would he join their quest to find Akatsuki? Or could he go live with Fuu or Naruto? Naruto had promised him they would all live under one roof together one day.

Excitement coursed through his body. He could live with the other jinchuuriki. All he had to do was escape.

Before he could truly understand what he was doing, Gaara was crouched at the edge of the windowsill, ready to leap away. All it would take was one jump.

Gaara's heart pounded in his ears. If he ran, he could reach the village walls in less than ten minutes, thirty if he took his time. Once outside the village, it would only take two nights to reach the border with the Land of River. And from there?

Shisen was an option. Or he could use it as a pit-stop before searching for Han, Roshi, and Yagura in the Land of Fire. Or if he wanted to use Naruto's promise, he could head to Konohagakure through the Land of River.

He held his breath. One jump and two nights and he could put Sunagakure behind forever.

But as soon as he flexed his knees to jump down, a wave of terror coursed down his spine. He stumbled backwards. Acting on its own, his sand caught him before he could hit the ground. Unharmed, he collapsed onto his knees, shaking like a leaf.

What was that?

Struggling to breathe, Gaara felt his eyes fill with tears and roll down onto the ground. He choked down a sob before lifting a hand up to cover his face. The last time he had experienced fear and pain anywhere close to this was…

He rubbed his face and sniffled. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he stood up, knees shaking in fear and exhaustion. Using Roshi's technique, his breath reached some semblance of control. Shivering, he sat cross-legged on top of his bed.

Despite the racing of his heart, he forced himself to breathe in and out. He had no idea what was happening, but he knew he had to go to the Room now.

With years of meditation practice under his belt, he cleared his mind within minutes. With this done, a familiar pull behind his navel transported him to the Room.

O-O-O

Fuu bolted up in bed, sweat covering every inch of her body. The last time she had felt terror like it, Suien had stabbed Takumi in front of her eyes. But nothing like that could be happening, could it?

She pulled herself into a ball. Something had happened to another jinchuuriki, she was certain of it. What else could wake her up in the middle of the night like that?

Fuu clenched her hands into fists and took several deep breaths in and out, counting the same way Roshi had taught her long ago. Within minutes, her breath grew steady despite her thundering heart. A few minutes later, she drifted back to sleep.

When she opened her eyes, she found herself standing in front of her Door. Except for Naruto and Utakata, the rest of the jinchuuriki were already there. As one, they turned toward her.

They were crowded around the Door marked with the kanji for six. Her heartbeat quickened. Nii-san

"Fuu?" Gaara's uncertain voice broke the silence.

"Gaara?" Fuu ran toward him, wrapping the younger boy in a hug, before turning to the rest of the jinchuuriki. "What's going on? What's…" she swallowed. "What's wrong with nii-san?" She bounced from foot to foot, afraid of the answer.

Yugito stared at Utakata's Door as if it contained the secrets of the universe. "We don't know," she confessed after a short pause.

Fuu bit her lip. Whatever had caused such a deep terror could not be a simple nightmare.

"It seems we all got the same feeling," Han said as if reading her mind.

"Whatever is wrong with Utakata-kun must be something major," Yagura added.

"Something major?" Fuu repeated.

Roshi nodded, a deep frown on his face. "It's the only explanation," he said. "Poor kid. We all came here as fast as we could but…" He trailed off with a frown.

All except for Naruto, it seemed.

"Where's Naruto?" Fuu asked.

"I'm not sure," Roshi admitted, never taking his eyes away from Utakata's Door. "But if he's not here and he hasn't tried to contact us, he must have slept through all of this. We shouldn't wake him. Not when we don't know what's happening ourselves."

Fuu bit her lip. Had Naruto really slept through all this fear? Was it even possible? She was about to check on Naruto when she finally noticed Gaara's expression.

His eyes were red and face blotchy. Dead eyes stared off into the distance. Standing at her side, he swayed in place.

She bit her lip before wrapping an arm around Gaara's shoulders. He tensed for a second before relaxing onto the embrace. Hesitant, he grasped the back of her shirt into a tight fist, shaking as if it were the middle of winter.

Fuu frowned. Gaara was good at controlling his emotional reactions. He had to be in order to survive life in Sunagakure. When was the last time he had been so distraught? She tightened the hug, placing her ear on top of his head.

She glanced at Naruto's Door from the corner of her eye. A stab of guilt pierced through her stomach. She considered waking him up but decided against it. Gaara needed her presence more. Besides, if Naruto were truly distraught, he would certainly seek comfort in the Room once he noticed them all inside. She focused back on the emergency at hand.

"What do you think happened?" she asked before biting down on her tongue.

"We don't know," Yugito answered as she lifted a hand up to chew on her fingernail. "We've tried to look into his mind but…"

"The kid's not answering, no matter our badgering," Killer B began. "What happened to him, must be quite grim, oh yeah."

"I doubt this is just a bad nightmare," Yagura said before placing a hand on top of Utakata's Door. His frown turned into a grimace. "I can't even feel anything coming from him anymore."

Fuu's lungs contracted in fear as her eyes filled with tears once more. Still held tight in her arms, Gaara tensed, tightening his grip on her. Feel nothing? Was Utakata—

A giant hand appeared on top of her head. "If it were something life-threatening, we would already know about it," Han said.

Fuu looked up to meet his eyes, tentative hope filling her heart.

"We would know if he was close to death," Han continued. "The glow is the same as usual. When a jinchuuriki… expires, their Door stops glowing. The glow is connected to one's own lifeforce. If Utakata were in mortal danger, we would at the very least see some sort of ebbing and flowing."

Roshi hummed, eyes focused on the Door in front of them. "The last time a jinchuuriki died…" he glanced back at Fuu before looking away again.

A shudder rolled down Fuu's spine. Had Kushina truly died over a decade ago? How did her death feel simultaneously old and fresh?

"I don't think Utakata is close to death." Han said. "But it seems whatever he's dealing with now is no small matter."

"If he's not answering, I guess he's unconscious," Yagura added.

Fuu nodded, only partially reassured. Han knew more things than anyone else.

With that, they fell silent. As if one, they sat down in a semi-circle around Utakata's Door. Wordless, they waited to hear any news. But nothing came.

An hour later, Gaara was forced to leave, afraid of Shukaku taking control. He disappeared with a fake smile, looking more exhausted than Fuu could ever remember.

The rest remained in a silent vigil.

Hours passed and it became increasingly difficult to stay awake. Even the fear and anxiety wasn't enough to keep her meaning to, Fuu began to nod off.

It was nearly dawn when Yugito broke the silence. "I will stay here," she ordered as she stood up, eyes fixated on Utakata's Door. "The rest of you can go to bed."

"We can't make you keep watch all by yourself!" B bolted up, a furious scowl on his face. As a testament to his emotions, he had not bothered to make any rhymes.

"There's nothing to gain if you stay here." Yugito continued. "I'll tell you everything once I have news to share."

"You must rely on us, it's not something to discuss, you dumbass phony!" For the first time Fuu could remember, his voice was raised in anger.

Yugito clenched her jaw, meeting B's anger head on. "Do you think he'll want to talk to you when he wakes up?"

The question only managed to infuriate B further. "You think he don't trust, but that's just unjust."

Fuu squirmed in place. She tried to remember if she had ever seen Killer B angry, but her mind drew a blank. The other jinchuuriki looked as uncertain as she felt.

"Ah, I'm sorry, B." Yugito shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I didn't mean it like that. It's not that I think Utakata doesn't trust you. I just think…" She looked up at the ceiling and grimaced. "I'm just afraid that he'd be overwhelmed if he woke up and felt all of us here."

In an instant, all the anger disappeared from B's expression. "Tell us when he comes to, we don't wanna miss anything new, oh yeah." He grinned, although it seemed forced.

Yugito met his grin with a forced half smile. "I will," she promised before turning her attention to Fuu. "Now go to sleep. I'll keep watch." She looked around at the assembled jinchuuriki. "That goes for all of you."

"It's not a bad idea," Yagura admitted with a tired sigh as he stood up. "But don't force yourself. Call one of us when you need a break.

"We can take turns on watch until we know what's going on for sure," Roshi added.

Yugito nodded. "I will. I promise."

"Thank you, nee-san." Yawning, Fuu forced herself to stand up. She struggled even with that small effort.

She didn't want to leave Yugito alone in the Room when no one knew anything. But exhausted as she was, she wouldn't be able to help anyone. With one last mumble goodbye, she fell asleep.

O-O-O

Everything hurt.

'Utakata?'

Was he bleeding? Close to death? Already dead? Why did every single inch of his body hurt so much?

'I'm sorry.'

Who was speaking to him? It was a high-pitched voice, familiar in a way he couldn't place. Was it someone he knew?

'Utakata?' A new voice appeared. It was feminine and direct, someone else he knew. But who?

A groan escaped his lips. His throat was as dry as the desert and his head throbbed in pain. What happened? And why couldn't he move? Why were voices calling his name?

'Oh, you're finally waking up,' the second voice said, every syllable full of relief. Had the voice been waiting for a long time?

'What? Who…?' Utakata knew she should know that voice. But his mind seemed to be running as if in slow motion. And why did his body feel like it weighed a thousand tons?

'I was so afraid,' the voiced continued. 'I…I… thought maybe…'

'Maybe what?'

There was no answer.

Utakata wanted to wake up. He needed to wake up. He felt his fingers twitch, then his toes. He tried to flex a hand into a fist, but the simple movement sent shocks of pain running up his arm and throughout his body.

It was the pain more than anything that finally broke him out of his stupor. Wincing, he tried to turn himself over, failing the first three times. But finally, he managed to place an elbow under himself. With a grunt and a stretch that sent more pain coursing through his body, he flipped onto his back.

Slowly, he opened his eyes, wincing once more as they were besieged by brightness.

The sun was high up in the sky, nearly noon if not past it. He frowned. Why did something feel strange about that? He tried to swallow, but his throat was so dry it proved impossible.

'Don't strain yourself. Take it slow.'

'Yugito?' Utakata asked, finally recognizing the source of the voice.

'Utakata!' Yugito's voice was full of relief. Had she been waiting a long time for him?

'What happened?'

'I don't know,' she admitted. 'But… the other jinchuuriki and I felt something during the night. It was… terror. I'd never felt anything quite like it before. We could tell it came from you. Do you remember anything?'

'I… I don't…'

Utakata's mind refused to cooperate. Why couldn't he remember anything? Had he been attacked? Kidnapped? Had one of his missions gone wrong? But if so, where were—

The sudden reminder that Kimimaro or his team could be injected a burst of adrenaline into his body. With a start, he pulled himself up into a seated position. Squinting, he blinked at the world around him.

He found himself in the middle of a lush field peppered with flowers. But there was no tranquility to be found.

His stomach heaved in disgust. No missions or visits to the mortuary could have prepared him.

Decay and death surrounded him. Mangled corpses, some still wearing ANBU masks and others staring blank-eyed at the clouds above them, dotted the field. Their blood had stained the grass and vegetation so thoroughly it had lost its original color, becoming a sea of red. And the smell… How could he not have noticed it earlier? Death and decay permeated the air—like day old wine combined with fish and left to rot in the sun.

'Utakata?' Yugito's frantic voice broke through his initial shock and disgust. 'What's wrong?'

'I… don't you see it?' His body trembled and he swallowed down a second wave of nausea.

'No, you're still protecting your view,' she answered. 'I can just feel what you feel by touching your Door.'

Utakata considered letting his barriers fall to let her see through his eyes. But he refrained.

'It's probably best that I don't show you,' he told her.

Yugito was silent for a moment before replying. 'I understand.'

Utakata closed his eyes and gulped down some of his fear. He took a long breath in and out to steady himself, just as he had seen Roshi teach the children.

Immediately, the stench of death and blood hit his nostrils. His stomach lurched once again. But he swallowed down the urge to vomit. Compared to the wars of the past, he was in paradise.

'You should drink some water,' Yugito said after he had been silent for a while. 'Get your bearings.'

Utakata nodded, even though Yugito would be unable to see. Parched, his throat burned, wanting nothing more than for something to drink. Why was it taking him so long just to wake up?

Like a newborn fawn, he stood up, swaying side to side as he struggled to remain balanced. Many times, he came close to falling over, but the thought of a drink compelled him forward. Stumbling, he walked downhill, hoping to come across a source of water.

He had taken less than a dozen steps when he found a stream. But the water was not fit for drinking.

The flowing water from the tiny stream was not clear but red and speckled with the remains of corpses. Bloodied hair here. A piece of stomach there. A finger over there. But that wasn't the worst. A pale green sludge floated atop the water, familiar in a way that pulled at his memories in an unpleasant way. Because if he knew what it was… what memories could it unlock?

He fell back in shock, thoughts running haphazardly through his mind. None of this could be real.

'Utakata?' Yugito's voice broke through his panicked thoughts once again. 'What's wrong?'

Utakata shook his head, hiding his face in the palms of his hands. "I… I don't…" Unwanted snippets of his earlier nightmare flashed through his mind. Or was it a memory? But it couldn't be. Because if it was…

Fueled by panic, a burst of energy flowed through his body. He turned away from the stream and scrambled uphill past the corpses of ANBU agents as fast as his legs could carry him. One of the corpses twitched, but whether it was alive, moving postmortem, or a trick of the eye, Utakata didn't stop to look.

His heart thundered in his chest. If it wasn't a nightmare…

'He said sorry.'

'Sorry?' Yugito sounded as confused as he felt. 'Who did?'

'Saiken. Before… before...'

His heartbeat pounded in his ears. What did Saiken have to apologize for? Where was he now? Why wasn't he talking? He and Saiken didn't have the friendliest relationship, but the bijuu always came whenever Utakata needed him.

Utakata half-ran and half-stumbled up the tiny hill. Unbidden memories of his nightmare rushed into him. A discussion of regret. Chairs around his wrists and ankles. Numb as a man tried to separate two parts of his being.

But it had to have been a nightmare. Something imagined after drinking too much. Or going to sleep too late. Or being put under a genjutsu. Because if it wasn't a nightmare. It couldn't be true. Harusame couldn't have…

The fear drove him to stumble faster up the hill. Harusame had to be fine. He had to be. Because if he wasn't…

Panting, he arrived at the place he had seen in his nightmares. A flat stone at the center of a circle. Four tall pillars arranged in the cardinal directions. Fuuinjutsu markers connecting all of these into a complex pattern.

But the place he had seen at night was not the same in the day. Blood had splattered over the ground and stones, a crimson mark that blanketed the black fuuinjutsu lines. So much of the liquid had spread out that it stuck to his sandals as he walked.

Many people must have died, he thought. Not even five people could hold that much blood, could they?

Utakata wanted to cry. Because if his nightmare was a memory, then the person responsible for everything was—

'It's going to be okay,' Yugito interrupted before he could fully commit himself to despair. 'I'm here. I don't know what you see, but—'

'Yugito?' Stomach churning, Utakata lurched forward, stopping himself from slipping at the last second. 'I… I don't… this…'

'What is it?'

He nearly fell over. 'It's my fault.'

'Your fault?' Yugito's voice was quiet and uncertain. 'What's your fault?'

Utakata didn't want to answer. Part of his brain refused to entertain the possibility. But how could he deny the sight in front of him? And at the stream? And with the dead ANBU? He was stuck in a nightmare of his own creation.

He placed a hand over his mouth before the contents of his stomach could escape. Eyes closed tight, he took a deep breath in and out, trying and failing to ignore the smell of iron in the air. Despite his best efforts, his body failed him and he fell onto his knees, staining them red.

'It's my fault,' he repeated as he bowed his head, almost touching his knees. 'I did this.'

'Did what?'

Utakata was unable to answer. Mute, he knelt on the bloody ground, counting his breaths. Four. Eight. Four. Eight. The smell of blood left a bitter taste on his tongue, which he tried to ignore.

He wasn't sure how long he stayed on the ground. But after a while he opened his eyes and looked around. There was someone missing. But if that person were missing, then his nightmare was the truth.

Utakata forced himself up, hobbling for a moment as the blood back rushed into his legs. Half walking, half stumbling, he headed to the center where the flat stone was located. Which was when he heard the swarm of flies.

Memories of a dead water buffalo rushed to his mind. Flies had hovered over the corpse for hours, maggots rising from the flesh soon after. Other carrion had come next, tearing the body into strips. After only a month, little remained apart from bones.

His heart threatened to beat out of his chest. Had there been flies around the corpses where he woke up. Had they been driven away by the bright sun and found a better target in the shade?

The blood drained from his face at the possibility. The pillars provided shade at their base. Did that mean there was something—or someone—hiding there? He was afraid to see. But he had to.

'Yugito?'

'What's wrong?'

Her voice was more comforting than he could have imagined. Surrounded by blood and death, he had never felt more like a child waking up from a nightmare.

'Please… stay. No matter what.' Tears filled his eyes.

Yugito didn't hesitate to answer. 'I will.' He could practically see her give a determined nod and creased brow. 'I promise.'

Utakata took one last breath in and out. With one last gulp, he braced himself. Slowly, he walked toward where the buzzing was loudest, ready for the worst.

But hidden at the base of the pillar was exactly what he had been dreading.

A swarm of flies had converged upon a dead body. The only visible sections of the corpse, part of the feet and legs, were a sickly green color. His heart thundered in his chest.

As if in a trance, Utakata walked closer. He had yet to see a face. What if it wasn't Harusame? What if his teacher had gone back home? What if he was still alive?

But there was no face to confirm anything. The top half of the corpse's body had been melted away, leaving behind a collection of long-dried blood and organs cut in half. But the bubble solution and pipe hanging from the waistline left no room for doubt. It was Harusame.

The sight was finally too much. The contents of Utakata's stomach were expelled from his body as he fell onto his knees once again. At once, he began to cry, harder than he could ever remember. Harusame was dead. And it was his fault.

Saiken had tried to warn him. Had tried to apologize. But it was all Utakata's fault. He had been too weak. Too weak to resist Saiken's power. Too weak to break free from Harusame. Too weak to let himself die if need be. What was the point of living now?

'Utakata!' Yugito's words cut through his spiraling thoughts, a burst of moonlight on a cloudy night. 'Don't… don't say that!'

A shudder rolled down his spine. Had she been listening to her thoughts this entire time? He bowed his forehead down to his knees, grasping his hair into fists, barely avoiding the puddle of his own vomit.

'I'm sorry.' Was the apology to Yugito or to Harusame. He wasn't sure. 'I… I just…'

'I… you don't have to say it.' Yugito's voice was choked, as if she were crying, too. Was she feeling his emotions? 'I can only imagine. You don't have to apologize to me. Let it all out.'

Utakata followed her instructions. Sobbing harder than he could ever remember, he broke down mere feet away from the corpse of the man who'd raised him as a son. So, there he remained, crying like a toddler onto the bloodied ground. And Yugito stayed with him, a silent support through it all.

By the time his tears had finally dried, he had no idea how much time had passed. But the sun was beginning to set, illuminating the grisly world around him in an almost heavenly glow.

Exhausted, Utakata collapsed with his back to the ground and stared up at the sky above. Were it not for the gore that surrounded him, it might have been peaceful. But the stench of death, growing under the heat of the sun, would bring him no illusions.

'Yugito?'

'What is it?'

He gulped before answering. 'I don't know what to do now,' he confessed.

Somehow his eyes began to fill with tears again. He couldn't return to Kirigakure. After what he had done, he would be lucky to be allowed to live. And Kimimaro…

Utakata brought his forearms up, hiding his face underneath. He could never look the boy in the eye again. His life was already full of corpses, shame, and misery over events he had no control over. How could Utakata add to it?

No, Kimimaro couldn't come with him. He was safe in Kirigakure. The boy still had a life ahead of him. Utakata didn't.

'I need to leave.' The realization sent a burst of energy coursing through him. 'I… I can't go back.'

Yugito hesitated a moment before replying. 'Where are you going?'

Utakata shook his head. 'I don't know but… maybe…'

Maybe he could do something with his life. Try and make up for what he had done. Even if there was no way he could ever make it up. Not to himself, not to Kimimaro, and definitely not to Harusame. Some things could never be undone.

'I'll find Yagura and the others,' he finally decided. 'I… I can be useful to them. I can help them. Find Akatsuki.'

'You're going to meet with them?'

'I need to be useful,' Utakata continued. 'After… after what I did, it's the least I could do.'

'I see.' Yugito's tone was impossible to decipher. Had she expected him to decide on a different course?

With a plan in place, Utakata uncovered his face. The sky above was vast and unending, beautiful and magnificent. It saw the horror below and said nothing. If only Utakata could ignore it, too.

'I'm going now.'

'Good… I'm glad…' Her voice was barely more than a mumble, as if she were close to falling asleep.

A pang of guilt pierced his stomach. She had remained at his side for hours. Wasn't she exhausted?

'Thank you, Yugito. For… everything.' He wished he could express his true gratitude. Although considering her current location, she likely sensed it already.

'You don't have to thank me,' she answered back, sounding like she could fall asleep at any second.

'You should sleep. I'll be okay now.'

Yugito was silent for a second before replying. 'All right. Be prepared for the others to talk to you,' she warned. 'They're as worried about you as I am.'

'Sleep.'

She let out a soft hum. A second later, he felt her presence disappear.

Utakata stared at the sky above him one more time. Night had finally come. He needed to leave. Now.

With new determination, he lifted himself up slowly, wincing as his weakened body struggled with the simple action. Once standing, he swayed in place. But he didn't fall over.

With his back turned toward the man that had raised him, he walked away. I'm sorry, sensei.

Without a single glance back, he walked away, heading east toward the ocean.

O-O-O

A/N: More detailed content warnings here: detailed descriptions of death, gore, vomiting, brief moments of suicidal ideation. Descriptions of bodies in the decomposition process.

Fun fact, the scenes with Utakata and Naruto's reactions following Harusame's death were actually the first scenes I ever wrote of this story (before I even started outlining). Though what happened in the first draft was quite different.

Morket is the worst beta reader ever for bullying me.

Next chapter: Missing school.

Chapter summary (spoilers of course :P): In the middle of the night, Harusame tries to extract Saiken from Utakata but it fails when Saiken transforms. This, however, leads to the deaths of Harusame and the four ANBU agents that were accompanying him.

Far away, Naruto wakes up like he's in a nightmare. Unable to soothe himself and not wanting to bother the other jinchuuriki, he talks to the picture of Kushina and imagines what she might've said. Gaara and Fuu also wake up as if from a nightmare.

The jinchuuriki (sans Utakata and Naruto) meet up in the Room to discuss the newest situation. When they don't get any news, Yugito volunteers to stay behind and let them know what happened to Utakata.

Utakata finally wakes up in the late afternoon. He discovers the body of his teacher and breaks down with Yugito as support. Ashamed of his actions, he decides to leave Kirigakure behind and join Han, Roshi, and Yagura on their mission.