5. Cheater
"Edward Cullen, how dare you?"
Upon catching sight of me, Rosalie took immense strides in my direction, her face murderous. I could hear the mirth in Tanya's thoughts next to me, and I braced myself for Rosalie's wrath. Within five steps, she had crossed the front lawn and was seething in front of me.
The sound of the slap caused piles of snow to fall out of the surrounding trees in staggered thuds. My head turned with the force, and although I was not particularly hurt by it, I was pleasantly surprised by the slight tingle that had surfaced after a few seconds.
"How dare you smile at this? Are you crazy? What is the matter with you? What kind of sick, sadistic person tries to kill himself and then smiles about it?"
Hearing Rosalie's inner thoughts, my smirk quickly dropped. Her anger stemmed from jealousy, not from compassion. She did not care that I had been missing, but that I would destroy myself over a silly human while she had no effect over me whatsoever.
"It's really quite sad, Rosalie, that you are so utterly self-centered. I'm doing much better, thank you for asking."
Her face dropped, mouth agape. I brushed past her and into the giant snow-covered house. On the way in, I stumbled slightly, having expended much of the energy that the deer blood had given me. I grabbed a small table in the entryway as I passed it, righting myself. It felt very odd to be so vulnerable.
Inside I found the rest of my family sitting at the dining room table waiting for us. Tanya had called them and told them to reassemble here, informing them of what had happened when she found me.
I did not need my ability to read their thoughts to know how they felt, I could see it on their faces.
"Oh, Edward," Esme was on her feet before I even stepped into the dining room. She wrapped me into her arms in an intensely motherly gesture. I wanted to tell her that everything was all right; that I was okay. But it would have been a lie. I was not okay, and I never would be again.
Instead, releasing my hands from the fists that were rigidly set by my side, I tried to relax a bit and awkwardly pat at her long, dark hair. Normally, the mother/son relationship between Esme and I had been easy and comforting, but the overwhelming grief mixed with the resentment I felt towards myself did not mix well with my love for my family. They reminded me too much of what I was- the reason why I could not be with Bella, causing yet another inner struggle.
Just what I needed at present moment.
Looking past Esme, I caught glimpse of Carlisle, his perfect, pale features fraught with worry, and thunder clapped, clouds of love and hate clashing inside of me. I hated him for what he did to me, resented him for it, but I loved him unconditionally for all he had been to me, for all that he had taught me.
I nodded at Carlisle, and Esme released me.
"Edward, you need to hunt." Carlisle was weary, testing the boundaries while stating necessities. "You've let yourself waste away."
This was exactly what I did not want. A pang of anger poked at my façade, but I controlled it quickly, setting my face to try to make my family understand the finality of my next statement.
"No." I had made a silent oath that I would never hunt again. Hunting symbolized the monster inside of me, the part of me that had ruined everything. I would find nourishment in other ways.
From the shadows of the doorway behind me, Tanya broke in, "Edward, you can't be serious! Do you understand what you were like when I found you? Do you realize what you will be come if you keep that up? Be serious- you're acting like a ch-"
Upon receiving a stern glance from Carlisle, Tanya froze mid-sentence. Carlisle was afraid that Tanya's words would anger me. In reality, and for some odd reason, I was plainly amused.
"Edward," Carlisle tried again, assuring and fatherly, "I am sure that what you just experienced was not pleasant, nor was it necessary. It is time for you to hunt."
"I refuse, Carlisle." I knew that without an explanation into why I was refusing to hunt, my family would not accept my decision. The facts behind the choice, however, would cut them all deeply.
"I know that you miss her, Edward. To be honest, we all do." At that, Rosalie sniffed in slight protest while Alice let out a high-pitched squeak, overwhelmed, and had to run out of the room. Bella had become another sister to Alice, and the separation was taking a toll on her as well. I chose to ignore Rosalie.
"Listen, Bro," Emmett took his turn, "we did what you asked of us. We-" he stole a quick warning glance at Rosalie, "don't resent you for any of it, but you could at least keep yourself healthy in return. For us." He smiled, an oddly complex mixture of mirth and sadness.
I felt myself smirk at Emmett's use of the word "Bro" and, without thinking, strode around the table to pat my brother on the back. "I can keep myself healthy without hunting."
A hint of comprehension flashed briefly in Carlisle's eyes, and he tried another tactic. "If you are to continue in that fashion, without proper intake of blood, your journey into oblivion will get more and more painful. Although you will become to weak to function, your body shriveled until you are unrecognizable, you will never die. After a certain point, the effects would be irreversible."
It was easy to tell he is a doctor.
Although I deserved nothing more than a pitiful existence as a useless pile of mass, his words began to have an effect on me. Thinking of my dream Bella and the words she used to awaken me, I began to really feel guilt brought on by my actions and their effects on my family. The more I faced the agony I deserved, the more I hurt the people I loved. I would not give into the vampire, however, I was sure of that. Surely, there had to be a compromise.
"Can't you help me out, Carlisle? You have contacts everywhere- wouldn't it be possible for me to buy my nourishment from now on?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Edward. There is a shortage of blood in banks now as it is. Do you really think that you would be able to keep that up forever? Of course, you would be changing over to human blood as well, is that what you really want?"
To be honest, I had not really considered that. To me, the blood bank bags had always seemed the most civil way to feed, unnecessary blood given up for a cause- no harm, no foul. I was becoming frustrated, however, at the fact that Carlisle could not understand where I was coming from. How could he expect me to hunt? Rage churned deep inside of me, working into something heavy and solid.
"No, Carlisle, the situation is not ideal for me, is it?" I had not spoken to him in such a rude manner for quite some time, and it felt strangely refreshing, which in turn, disheartened me, and my voice rose as I began to rave. "I can't quite win no matter what I do, can I? Everyday I am disgusted with what I am, wishing for the release that I cannot have. I didn't ask to fall in love with a human. I didn't ask for that wonderful, sweet, beautiful, special girl to love me back." I was back in the ocean of despair, the undertow swiftly wreaking havoc on me, but I continued on. "But the facts are what the facts are. Bella and I are not meant to be together. She has a life ahead of her, and I am among the living dead. I understand what I am, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it."
With that, I swayed, spent, and Jasper, who had been seated next to me, stood as he swooped to catch me. The pain was again unbearable, and I felt my eyes roll back as I heard Esme scream. Again, Bella came to me in visions. I reached out for her, desperate and wanting.
As quick as I had fallen, I was sputtering as something poured into my mouth. As I tasted the salty, metallic blood, I realized why else I was fighting so hard against the hunt. When I was weak, I could see Bella. Really see her, and hear her too, as if she were with me still. If I were healthy, I would only see what was truly in front of me. Vampires never dream. Dreaming is only for those who have hope.
I saw Bella because the joy it brought me caused me great agony, as I would never really feel that joy again. The feeling with the vision was a phony- like a bad copy, fuzzy and scratched, and it gave false hope for something always just out of reach.
Looking back up at my concerned family, I knew I had lost the fight. There would be no excuse for me anymore, they would force me one way or another.
I grabbed the cup of blood out of Tanya's hands, childishly, and downed the rest of it in a long gulp. Reluctantly, Esme handed me another full cup, clearly afraid of another uncharacteristic outburst.
My family stared at me while I drank the second cup. Their thoughts echoed in my brain, all variations on the same theme. I had lost it. They were all convinced.
I finished the second cup and stood, unable to bear their thoughts any longer. I needed fresh air, and I was starting to feel good. I could concede that my family was right- I needed to hunt.
Slinking out the back door without an explanation, I strode quickly down to a nearby cluster of trees. Deer must have been close; their trail was still fresh. I relaxed a little for the first time since, well, a long time, allowing myself to rely on instinct. Crouching, I crept silently down to the bank of the river, making sure there were no deer within eyesight. I leapt over the water, gracefully landing on the other side. Creeping between the trees, I headed deeper into the forest, following the scent of the deer.
Finally, behind a huge pine, stood the prime catch of the group, the alpha male. Although he would put up more of a fight, he was much tastier and held more blood than the others.
The monster calculated, assessing the situation, and suddenly, gave off a horrifying roar. I sprang; the buck swung his head in reaction. Part of his right antler hit square against my outstretched arm and broke off like a twig. The resulting snap echoed off the surroundings, and a group of birds in the nearby trees took flight, squawking angrily. I felt no pain.
The buck started to run, his muscles rippling under his gleaming coat. The grace with which he moved was almost too beautiful to disrupt.
Too quick for him, I jumped onto his back and sunk my teeth into the nape of his neck. He bucked backwards, both in pain and in effort to throw me off. I shot backwards and flew into the trunk of a nearby oak. This male was tougher than I had bargained for.
Snarling viciously, I rounded on him again, this time getting a deeper bite. He was visually slowing, the venom wreaking its havoc on his insides. Having obviously lost his vision, he half-ran straight for a tree. I had to duck underneath him as he slammed into it, breaking off his other antler. He slumped, still trying to flee, but unable to do anything more than trot. His knees began to buckle, and he dropped, burdened by my weight. The venom consumed more and more of his body by the second.
The monster in me told me to wait, to watch the thing suffer.
It was then that I started to crumble, thoughts of Bella invading, turning the heat of the hunt to ice. I sank to the snow covered ground not weak, but ashamed.
How quickly could I loose the side of me Bella had helped me to gain? How easy was it for me to regress into a terror? As I reverted back, would I loose my visions of Bella?
As long as I was what I was, there would be no in between for me. I was a horrific excuse for a being, or I was nothing. There is no such thing as control for killers.
Blood would never taste the same to me. It was tainted with that fact.
Quickly putting the deer out of his misery, I finished what I had come out to do, sucking down the contamination. I paused every once in awhile, either to sob in pain, overwhelmed with sorrow, or to get sick, disgusted with myself.
.
I own nothing... The plot, the characters, most of the dialogue- All Stephenie Meyer's
.
Alright, so I know you all hate me. I'm sorry it took so long to update. With two jobs, full time school, finals and the holidays, life has been overwhelming (and theres been a little writers block as well.) I love this story like a baby, and I want it to be the best that it can be, and be proud of it, so I refuse to rush out a chapter just to get it up. I want to give you guys quality, not quantity. (I know, this chapter is short, and I'm not really feeling it, so I might end up changing it up, but it's taking a bit for me to get back into my groove, which hopefully should be back by next week.) However, now I'm down to just work for awhile, so I will have lots more time to write, and should be updating regularly. Thank you to everyone for your amazing reviews and to all who stuck with me through the hiatus! Please keep reviewing and telling your friends about Meteor!
.
Author update- I am suffering from INTENSE writer's block as of right now. I am SO sorry to all of my readers- I am really trying as to get this next chapter out but it just doesn't want to happen yet. I am in the process of brainstorming- this is a very important part in the story right now as everything must be linked together and lead to the end of the book. Your patience and understanding is VERY appreciated, and if anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I might not use them (no offense, an authors gotta do what an authors gotta do) but I very well might use them (so don't send me anything you don't want me using without permission) Again, thank you, thank you, thank you!
PS- I'm so sick of having excuses for you guys... i hope this writers block goes away soon...
