Episode Two: Amazing Interlude of Doom and the Author's Note that Won't Shut Up!

Nabeshin deposited another dime into the nearest fanfic writer vending machine and extracted another writer neatly wrapped in cellophane. The writer's fingertips were bloody from trying to scratch its way out of its prison.

The great director frowned. No, no, this wouldn't do at all. He used his afro to toss the defective author out the window into the nearest river where it promptly drowned. Nabeshin deposited another dime into the machine and marveled at that fact that he could pull dimes out of thin air and why they were dimes and not yen.

And then promptly dismissed it. After all, he was the GTW after all.

This time three authors neatly wrapped in the same cellophane popped out. They all had the same wide eyed, vapid expression on their nearly identical faces. Nabeshin had heard about these kinds of authors. The kind that were less than a dime a dozen. Suethors.

Nabeshin carefully unwrapped the trio who promptly sparkled. "And who might you be?" he asked.

The Suethors sprang into action. The Suethor in blue pulled out a boombox, the Suethor in red pulled out a set of bongo drums, and the Suethor in yellow pulled out a microphone. The boombox was switched on and the bongos were beat as the one with the microphone howled and wailed. Nabeshin pulled his fro over his ears. The Suethors didn't notice.

"That's some act," he said when they finished. Maybe he would have to use the stapler on their lips as well. "What are your names?"

"Mary Sue!" the first said and struck a macho pose.

"Jenny Sue!" the second said and did a twirl before falling on her butt.

"Bobby Sue," said the Suethor in yellow in a surprisingly masculine voice, "They kidnapped me and now the bitches want me to be one of them. Please help."

Nabeshin watched as Bobby Sue struggled to say more. Mary Sue (or was it Jenny Sue?) pulled out a mallet and beat poor Bobby Sue to within an inch of death. Silence like an unwanted author's note fell over the room.

(Author's Note: I'm very wanted, you should know.)

"Hell no, you ain't," Nabeshin said, pointing at the author's note which hung in the air, bloated with ego. "This is my story and I say no author's notes popping up in middle."

There was more sparkling in the air around the author's notes. (Author's notes: I have rights too, you know.)

"Fuck off, voice in the sky!" Nabeshin said, finger pointing at the author note, perfectly described pulsing forehead vein… pulsing with his irritation. "You have no place in this world."

(Author's Note: Do too. :P)

The self-insert and god-extraordinaire sat and thought as the two Sues stared blankly into space. Jenny Sue giggled and Mary Sue (Or was that Jenny Sue and Mary Sue was doing the giggling?) ate the still twitching body of Bobby Sue in a strange allegory that stated that yes, fanfic authors do devour their own.

Nabeshin's fro quivered with latent power as tiny Nabeshins leapt from its nappy depths and opened. The author's note quivered and oozed pure ego and plot device. "Wow," the severed head of Bobby Sue croaked out before Jenny and Mary chewed it up, "It's like some sort of Mexican Standoff."

The great director and shameless self-insertion turned toward the cannibalistic fans. "That's some kinda messed up."

(Author's Note: Don't we know it?)

Nabeshin whirled around and pointed at the author's note. "And you," he said, pointing with both hand and 'fro, "Nabeshin says shut up!"

(Author's Note: But… but…)

"But… nothing… shut up!"

The author's note sputtered. (If you tell me that one more time, I'll make the universe explode.)

Nabeshin smiled. It was a cruel smile that he bought at half off. "Try me. Shut… up."

The universe exploded in a rain of blood, guts, and the pulverized bits of Nabeshin's 'fro.

The End

ooo

Commercial break time!

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ooo

The Eternal Will of the Macrocosm paused in her viewing of canon. "Second chapter and the author's note blows up the universe."

What remained of The Universe shook in reply.

If Will-chan had a foot, it would be tapping in annoyance. "We give the author's note too much power." It settled for tapping its fingers of its right hand against the palm of the other. "Power it shouldn't have."

The Universe idly scratched its cosmic equivalent of nuts. "I thought it kinda tingled."

"You're a sucker for punishment," Will-chan said thoughtfully. "I suppose I better reset you."

ooo

This time three authors neatly wrapped in the same cellophane popped out. They all had the same wide eyed, vapid expression on their nearly identical faces. Nabeshin had heard about these kinds of authors. The kind that were less than a dime a dozen. Suethors.

Nabeshin carefully unwrapped the trio who promptly sparkled. "And who might you be?" he asked.

The Suethors sprang into action. The Suethor in blue pulled out a boombox, the Suethor in red pulled out a set of bongo drums, and the Suethor in yellow pulled out a microphone. The boombox was switched on and the bongos were beat as the one with the microphone howled and wailed. Nabeshin pulled his fro over his ears. The Suethors didn't notice.

"That's some act," he said when they finished. Maybe he would have to use the stapler on their lips as well. "What are your names?"

"Mary Sue!" the first said and struck a macho pose.

"Jenny Sue!" the second said and did a twirl before falling on her butt.

"Bobby Sue," said the Suethor in yellow in a surprisingly masculine voice, "They kidnapped me and now the bitches want me to be one of them. Please help."

Mary Sue pulled out a gun and blew Bobby Sue's brains out in a shower of too gross for television. "And we're pleased to meet you."

Nabeshin checked his ears to see if they were bleeding (they were) and shook Mary Sue's hand as she sparkled. "I'm looking for fanfiction writers."

Mary Sue was promptly killed by Jenny Sue in a fit of rage. "I'm pleased as punch. My name is Jennifer Susan Emeraldina Bannafanarama Morningstar Moonbeam dear god why did my parents name me this and why are you still reading this you nitwits."

Nabeshin's fro dripped with sweat. "I'm looking for authors."

"Really?" Jenny Sue said, busy burying the corpses of Bobby and Mary. "I'm a writer."

The great director's hands drifted toward his stapler. "What do you think about writing fanfic?"

ooo

Amazing Interlude of Doom and the Author's Note that Won't Shut Up!

Today's Experiment: Results Pending

ooo

We lament the passing of the author's note. Nevertheless, it really was asking for it. Really.