­

ok, this chapter is based off something Bobby and the Captain said during Purgatory that has been bugging me a lot (and Purgatory takes place sometime after this story). If you don't know what I'm talking about, just ask and I will tell you via personal message.

Also, I have Chapter 6 done as well, but I don't know if that will be the last chapter or if there will be an epilogue.

Please R & R, and as always Enjoy!



Chapter 5: Session 4

The doctor buzzed in her next patient.

With a lit cigarette dangling out of his mouth, Bobby walked into the office. Olivet could immediately tell there was something different about the detective as he heavily sat down.

She put the ashtray on the table and asked, "Is everything alright, Bobby?"

He exhaled his smoke and replied, "Of course. What wouldn't be alright?"

"You never called me last week like I asked."

Bobby shook his head and replied, "I forgot. I must have fallen asleep or something."

Something was wrong, but the doctor didn't press. "Okay. What would you like to talk about today?" she asked, hoping that this change in attitude was simply his way of showing his comfort in therapy, but she knew it wasn't.

"I told you I want you to determine that." He stood to take off his coat, and stumbled a bit.

Then it hit her... the realization and the scent. "You've been drinking."

"Why does that matter? It opens me up."

"Bobby, I'm not okay with patients coming here drunk." She flipped her pad closed and tossed it on the table. "We can reschedule this for when you are sober-"

"I'm not drunk," he replied. "I had a few drinks, but I'm not drunk."

The doctor was torn. She didn't like this, but was hesitant to stop the session. This man was hard to talk to on a good day. Reserved in nature, perhaps alcohol would be a temporary gateway to allow him to talk more freely. Just for today.

"How much have you had?"

Bobby shrugged and leaned back in the couch. "A few fingers of Glenlivet and a few beers." He took a drag.

"It's 3 o'clock."

"I know. I had to stop drinking so that I could get here in time."

Olivet paused, concerned. "How did you get here today, Detective?"

He sighed, "I took a cab. Just because I was drinking doesn't mean I'm an idiot."

"I didn't mean to imply-"

"Yeah, okay. Let's just start."

She picked up her pad and reopened it. "If we are going to do this, I need you to focus. Please look at me."

Bobby complied and propped his elbows on his knees. "I promise I'm not drunk."

"Why did you drink before you came here?"

He scratched his neck with his smoke free hand and responded, "I honestly don't know. I was going to go get a burger. And instead I got a beer. And then another..."

"How often do you drink?"

Bobby just shook his head.

"Come on," Olivet said. "You have to answer me. Has it been more often than you used to?"

"Yeah, I suppose it has. I don't really keep track."

She put down the pen and paper, realization setting in. "This is why you didn't call. You were drunk and didn't want me to hear it in your voice."

Bobby simply glanced at her and quickly looked away.

The doctor continued, "And based on the shame I see, this isn't a new trend for you. I'm guessing you've been drunk every day since I last saw you."

Without saying a word Bobby just watched her, crossed his arms, and placed a hand on his chin.

She wrote. "I'll take that as a yes. Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?"

Bobby was shocked. "What? Why would you-?"

"You said your father... the man you grew up with as your father was an alcoholic and that your brother is a drug addict. Do you ever wonder if they have influenced your life with their drinking and addictions?"

He knew it was an honest question, but he knew that her suspicion was not a genetic possibility. And from the previous session he knew she was aware of this as well. "No. I am not an alcoholic."

Olivet nodded. "Does drinking ever interfere with your work?"

"I don't let it." Even though Bobby thought he would be more forthcoming after a few drinks, he realized that his answers were shorter than normal. He took a drag off his cigarette and stubbed it out. "I don't drink before or during work. I couldn't jeopardize a case like that." He started rocking slightly but caught himself. Unfortunately he didn't stop before Olivet saw.

She asked, "Do you ever feel a need to drink?"

"I said that I'm not an alcoholic-"

"Please just answer the question." She had little patience for him today.

"Do I ever feel the need?" he repeated. After a pause he responded, "No." A lie.

And she knew it. "You're lying to me, Bobby. How often do you feel a need to drink?" He didn't respond. Instead he looked away, biting the tip of his thumb. She continued, "Is it most days?"

He turned and watched her, trying to read her game, but turned away again.

She continued, "You're feeling the need for another one right now, aren't you?"

He looked back at her and slightly nodded, putting down his hand. "I... it's not a problem."

"Because even though you want to drink, you don't allow yourself to."

"I try not to. But sometimes... when I do drink, I tend to have more than I planned."

She sighed. "That's not good, Bobby, and you know it. How long has this been going on?"

He stood up and walked behind the couch. Leaning his hands on the couch back, he said, "I don't know. I've been drinking since I was in the army. I was always careful. Maybe it's been the past couple years."

"It seems like a lot has happened to you in the past couple of years."

"Yeah." He came back around and sat down.

"Why do you drink?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. Like everyone else? To get drunk?" he joked. But Olivet didn't find this funny. She waited for him to continue. "Because it's an easy way not to have to think. It quiets my inner dialogue. It helps me... forget who I am."

"Drugs do that too. Do you ever use drugs?"

"Just caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol. I never did the drug scene. Never saw the point."

Olivet wrote again. "Has the smoking been a recent thing too? I get the sense you're a little bashful or ashamed of your smoking."

Bobby shook his head again. "I smoked when I was young. But I kind of quit around '95 or '96 I think. I... I picked it back up... the past couple years I guess." He hung his head.

"Do you want to quit. I notice you often seem to want another one, but you don't allow yourself to have it."

"Am I that transparent?" he asked, looking up. "Honestly, I just don't want Eames to know that I'm smoking again. I had just quit when we were first partnered up, but I would occasionally indulge. She hated it. She would lecture me on smoking and how horrible it is for me... and she would especially lecture on how horrible it was for her with second hand. I wanted to quit then, so I did for my health."

"And now? Do you want to try to quit again?"

He shrugged. "I guess I do sometimes. But I missed smoking. It's a release. Granted now if you smell like smoke it's worse than wearing a letter on your chest. People are quick to judge smokers."

"And drinkers, and gamblers. Do you gamble?"

"You are trying really hard to turn me into my father or brother. Why don't you just ask me if I rape and kill women too?!" he defensively replied.

"Okay. Do you?"

He scoffed and looked away. "No, and I don't gamble either. That was something I could never forgive with either my father or brother. I watched them dig themselves into holes. I saw it when I was very young with my father and again as I grew up with my brother. I never wanted that."

"But you didn't have the same reaction with drinking."

It was a statement, not a question, so Bobby remained quiet.

Olivet nodded and took some notes. "You mentioned health."

"Did I?" Bobby crossed his legs.

"Yes. Do you consider yourself healthy?" She watched him closely and thought that he must have been telling the truth when he said he wasn't drunk. He was acting as sober as a judge now.

"I'm not twenty anymore. I'm 47. Plus I drink, I smoke, I don't eat right, I don't .... well, I hardly ever sleep..."

Olivet was amazed. She didn't know why Bobby was admitting this all of a sudden. But she let him continue.

"... so no, I guess I'm not the healthiest person out there. My body and mind are sluggish."

"Have you noticed any changes in your appearance?"

"You mean besides my lovely spattering of gray hair? Yeah. I don't take care of myself anymore. I stopped exercising and when I eat it's usually take out. As a result I've gained weight. I wanted to blame it on getting older, but I know it's my own doing. And I don't feel as effective as a detective because of it. I feel like I've aged ten years in the last two."

"Eventually we will need to get to the bottom of the past two years. I won't torture you with that today, but I want you to start thinking about it. I feel that from the past couple years, stress has been a big part of your life, and it has taken effect in many negative ways, as it often does. I think our time is up today." She and Bobby both rose. Just before he opened the door she continued, "And Detective Goren, don't ever come here drunk again."