Epilogue

Bobby exited the building and closed the door quietly behind himself. Turning to the street he immediately saw the smiling face that greeted him after almost every session, just as he had done for her after her kidnapping. But as Bobby walked closer, her smile faded and her brows furrowed.

"Bobby," Alex said, seeing his red rimmed eyes, "Are you okay?"

He nodded and climbed into the passenger side of their SUV. Alex hesitantly climbed in, knowing something was horribly wrong.

Alex was about to start the car but stopped. Turning to her partner she asked, "Are these good tears or bad?"

He stared forward as he responded, "I… I'm not sure yet. I'm still processing everything."

Alex nodded. She knew things were going to be different for a while, but that once he started working again things would fall back into place.

"I bet you'll be glad to get back to work," she said.

But Bobby didn't respond and Alex's stomach knotted. She pulled the car over and put it in park. Looking at her and utterly confused Bobby asked, "Why'd you stop? What are we doing?"

"I don't know. What arewe doing? What are youdoing?"

He shook his head. "I don't understand," he said.

"You! Why aren't you talking to me?" her voice quivered.

"I don't know what you want me to tell you."

"Tell me what's going on! Tell me what happened in there today that got you so upset!"

"He cleared his throat. "First of all, I don't have to tell anyone anything about my sessions. And second, nothing happened." His voice was flat. "Nothing ever happens in there."

"Then why were you crying?!"

Bobby self-consciously wiped his eyes only to find that they were dry.

Alex continued, "Why every week do you leave there in a hurry and a huff?"

"I don't like being analyzed." He couldn't look at her.

She shook her head. "And why did you text me that you didn't need a ride last week?"

"Because I was drunk!" Bobby got out of the car and slammed the door. He started walking down the sidewalk, forcing Alex to follow him.

"You came here drunk? Why would you do that?" She had to run to catch up with is large strides.

"I don't… I don't know!" He spun around to face her. "But I didn't want you to see me like that." He looked her in the eyes and saw the confusion spread across her face. It broke his heart to see her like this.

But he didn't realize the emptiness Alex saw in his eyes.

"Bobby, please," Alex begged, "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on with you." She gently touched his arm. "You're scaring me."

Running a hand through his hair, Bobby sighed and responded, "Fine, we'll talk. But not here. Let's get some coffee." He glanced at the diner across the street and started walking. Once seated, Bobby ordered a black coffee and Alex ordered a burger and fries.

The waitress walked away and Alex said, "When was the last time you had a real meal?"

"I don't know." He looked at her blankly.

"You should really eat. You're starting to lose weight."

"Yeah. I don't know if that's such a bad thing." He looked away and started tapping his fingers on the table. "I haven't been hungry recently."

"I've heard smoking suppresses appetites," Alex flatly stated. He widened his eyes and she continued, "Yeah, that's right, Goren. You're not the only person who can sniff out things."

"Yeah," he said, "so I've been smoking again. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is."

Alex was getting aggravated. "Drinking, smoking, what else are you trying to hide from me, Bobby?"

He sighed and looked away, collecting his thoughts.

Silence passed between them for a few minutes before Alex asked, "Are you going to tell me what's—"

"My suspension's been extended," Bobby blurted out.

And time stood still.

Alex shook her head in disbelief. "Wait. What?"

"It's not official yet—"

"How long?"

"—Dr. Olivet and I just talked about it today—"

"How long, Bobby?"

He looked her in the eyes and folded his hands in front of his mouth. "Six months."

The waitress came and set down Alex's food and Bobby's coffee. Neither detective spoke. While Bobby stared into his coffee, Alex realized she'd lost her appetite.

Pushing her plate away she asked, "What changed? I thought you were supposed to come back next week. Did something happen?"

"Um… It's…" He shifted in his seat revealing his discomfort. "I just don't feel right anymore… I don't feel well."

She shook her head again. "I don't understand. Did the Chief of D's decide this?"

"No." Bobby looked her in the eyes again. "Dr. Olivet and I discussed… well, a lot of things. And this is for the best for everyone… for you, me, the department – everyone."

"I know you're not telling me the whole story, Bobby."

He looked out the window as he said, "I'm not well." Bobby glanced at Alex but quickly looked back out the window.

"Wait," she furrowed her brow, "Are you sick?"

Bobby shook his head and smiled slightly. "No. Well, yes." He sighed, "Not exactly. This is hard to explain."

Alex reached across the table and took hold of his hand. "Please try. I just…. I want to help."

Bobby wasn't certain why, but he slowly pulled his hand away and leaned back in his seat. Once again Alex was thoroughly confused. She sighed and closed her eyes, feeling that Bobby was still slipping away. Just as she opened her eyes, Bobby continued talking.

"I'm not healthy – physically, mentally, emotionally. I need to get healthy again."

Alex just nodded, encouraging him to continue.

He did, "I know that I'm not the same as I used to be… and I'm sorry for that."

"Bobby, you don't have to apologize for going through hard times."

"I know but—"

"No, Bobby, let me finish." She crossed her arms, "It's no secret that you're struggling – that you've been struggling for a couple years now. But people care about you." He rolled his eyes. She continued, "I care about you. But I can't help you if you don't let me in every once in a while."

He nodded. "I know. This stuff is… it's just hard to talk about and I don't know if you'll understand. I don't know if you'll ever look at me the same."

Alex reached out for his hand and he gave it to her. She gently raised his chin to look him in the eyes and said, "Try me. I promise I won't judge you." She lowered her hand and put it with the other.

Keeping the gaze, Bobby replied, "You can't promise something like that, Alex."

She quietly sighed and gave a slight smile, not saying a word.

Bobby held his partner's hand a little tighter. He continued, "Like I said, I'm not healthy. The doctor thinks… the doctor and I both think that I need more time off to re-evaluate things so that I don't do something rash… something dumb." He emphasized the last word.

"Something dumb?" Alex asked. She squinted her eyes at Bobby as though it would help her read his thoughts. Perhaps it did. She sat straighter and her eyes widened as realization hit her. Subconsciously she squeezed his hand, afraid that letting go would cause him to fall further in his depression. "Bobby," Alex continued, "I had no idea you were contemplating—"

He cut her off, "I wasn't. I mean, I was but at the same time I knew I couldn't. Dr. Olivet just wants to make certain that I get help so that I don't follow through."

She shook her head. "Do you, um… do you have to go away… go to a clinic or hospital or anything like that?" It was hard for her to wrap her brain around these thoughts.

"I don't think so," Bobby responded, "But I guess… I don't know. Dr. Olivet and I didn't talk about that. She said we would figure things out next week." He rubbed her free hand over his face and continued, "With my family history I never would have guessed that this would feel so foreign. It's been coming for a long time, though. And it's finally time for me to confront my problems."

"How long have you been um... feeling like this?" Her voice shook ever so slightly.

Bobby's voice was almost a whisper as he responded, "A long time."

"I had no idea."

Bobby shook his head, "I've been trying to hide it for just as long. I've been hiding... bottling up a lot of things. But Dr. Olivet is starting to help me realize that this pent up aggression... this bottled up depression is getting dangerous. Maybe that's the reason I went undercover, because I didn't expect to come out of there." He couldn't look at her as he said that. "The department was right to make me go see a shrink. I was getting closer and closer to-" he heard her draw in a breath. Bobby didn't want to continue his thought but he knew he had to. "I was getting closer to finding a way out. It's hard to admit that, but it's the truth."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this before?"

He knew he had hurt her. In trying to protect her, he had hurt her. "Because I was ashamed... I was ashamed of myself. I didn't want to be labeled in the same group as the rest of my family."

"I can't believe you were thinking of..." She choked back the words. A glimmer of tears were in Alex's eyes. She turned her head down, letting her hair fall over her face so that Bobby couldn't see her sadness. But of course he did.

"Hey, hey," he gently said as he put his free hand on top of hers, joining all their hands together. "Everything's going to be okay. I'm getting help now. I'm going to be okay." He rubbed his thumb over the top of her hand in an attempt to comfort his partner.

Alex looked at Bobby, her lip quivering as she repressed her tears. "You can't promise something like that, Bobby," she replied, paralleling his earlier statement.

Bobby smiled at her witty response, his first genuine smile in a long time. And Alex knew that with some care he would be okay. She would do whatever it took to help him through these hard times. But most of all, both Alex and Bobby knew that with some work their partnership would hold strong.

FIN.