Disclaimer – Written purely for amusement and with much respect to JK Rowling.

Author's notes: Totally and utterly AU. Written with love for Sarah LoTuS who kept prodding me to keep going. Mwah! Unbetaed so apologies for any mistakes in advance.

He had been a Death Eater. The Dark Lord hadn't scared him. Dumbledore hadn't made him back away. So, why was Severus Snape, Potions Master, scared of a box wrapped in Christmas paper?

The box contained his and Hermione's first Christmas presents as a couple from Molly Weasley, that's why.

There was bright red wrapping and an explosion of ribbons in red, gold, green and silver. The woman was as subtle as a rampaging dragon.

After the St Valentine's Day debacle then debauchery in Hogwart's gym, Severus and Hermione had tried every memory spell they knew to rid their minds of an image of a red-negligee-clad Molly Weasley coming through the Floo and interrupting the best sex either had gotten in months.

Since then, the sex had continued to more than Severus and Hermione's satisfaction. While they weren't sharing quarters or talking weddings just yet - everyone else in Hogwarts had them paired off. It was almost like they were about to get on Noah's Ark.

Severus felt his wards shift and admit Hermione to the dungeons.

"Ahh, I see the house elves delivered Molly's gift down here - I was wondering where it went."

Her paramour looked at the box as though a grown Norwegian Ridgeback would emerge from it and start dancing the can-can.

"It's just a box," admonished Hermione in her best teaching voice.

"After the negligee episode, my darling, I am not looking at anything that woman delivers to us as "just" a box."

Severus wondered if reaching for his wand to run diagnostic and defensive spells on a Christmas present could be considered over the top.

Fishing around in the box, Hermione latched onto something soft. It felt like silk - acromantula silk to be precise. It must have cost Molly a fortune, or she had found a ball or two of the stuff lying around Grimmauld Place somewhere. She would bet Galleons on the second theory actually.

Oh well, at least it would be a nice sweater, she thought as she tugged on the mystery item of clothing. She knew acromantula silk was light and airy as well as being warming. A sweater shouldn't be this lightweight, should it?

"Holy Nimue's garter belt!"

"Severus, I don't think they heard you at Beaubaxtons," Hermione chided.

"Take a good look at what is in your hand my dear and think about who sent it to us."

Hermione looked at her left hand and its index finger from which dangled a piece of black thong underwear with the letter "H" embroidered on the front.

There were times when it was good to be a Muggle and have knowledge of certain things - like a greater range of profanities. Hermione let rip with a string of language so blue, it would have made the most seasoned Knockturn Alley whore blush like an absolute champion.

"I hope you realize that could chafe like nobody's business." Severus raised an eyebrow and looked at the rest of the present. "I suppose we had better see what else she has in there."

Severus reached into the box and felt a jar, which should be safe enough. There was something else – something soft, silky.

Molly couldn't have.

She really shouldn't have.

Oh Merlin's jockstrap – she did.

He toyed with the idea of only pulling the jar out of the box and pretending the other item didn't exist.

"Well … it seems Molly believes in the concept of his and hers," Severus didn't know which way to look. At the rainbow thong underwear with the black S embroidered on it? Or at Hermoine who was now holding the jar of chocolate sauce in one hand and her "present" from Molly in the other.

"What I want to know is how she got your size right darling?" The witch actually cackled with laughter and Severus worried she would begin hyperventilating at any second.

The remainder of the morning was spent peacefully opening gifts and snuggling by the fire. Then came the question of whether to join the remaining staff members in the Great Hall for Christmas luncheon.

All had been agreed to and as Hermione had one hand on the doorknob to leave for lunch – she had an idea.

"How about we wear those little somethings Molly sent over to lunch? They do feel like acromantula silk you know, so I don't think they would chafe anything I might need later."

Severus went from zero to flounce quicker than a Dark Wizard could cast an Unforgivable. A good duelist knows when to launch a counter attack. Hermione was good.

"Afterwards, I could take yours off with my teeth and show you some other uses for chocolate sauce?"

Severus' jeans were around his ankles by the time Hermione had uttered the word "sauce".

"Did anyone ever tell you that you really don't play nicely?" Severus was muttering under his breath as he refastened his jeans and then hers.

"Let's go to lunch."

~*~*~*~

Snow was falling from the ceiling of the Great Hall and fat, fluffy strands of tinsel chased each other around the window frames. Christmas carols, both magical and Muggle, came from one of the largest Christmas trees Hermione had seen in a long while. As they were walking to their chairs, the tree began to play John Lennon's "So This Is Christmas".

"He was a wizard you know," said Severus.

"Most of the time the Muggle world thought he was a total genius anyway – a little bit nutty but a genius."

The couple took their places at the table, greeting Minerva and the new Arithmancy Professor Lotus Turner-Jones with nods and smiles.

Somewhere between the turkey and plum pudding with brandy custard, Severus felt a strange itching between his legs and it had nothing to do with his growing desire for Hermione.

He shifted in his seat hoping to ease the itch that was beginning to feel like he was being attacked by a phalanx of mosquitoes. This was not good – not good at all.

Severus' mind began ticking off and dismissing possible causes while working out how to discreetly scratch the offending area.

Was grabbing Hermione's hand under the table and having her scratch his groin an option? No, leaving the Great Hall with tented trousers was just not on. Besides, the remaining students would faint when they realized he was capable of having an erection.

He twisted and turned in his seat as discreetly as possible and could feel a frown forming. Now he didn't have to dodge stray Unforgivables from Dark Lords, his poker face was not the greatest. He'd blame it on all the stellar sex with Hermione.

"Severus, you don't seem to be quite yourself. Are you feeling all right?" Minerva's expression was somewhere between concern and laughter.

"You need not concern yourself Headmistress." He could feel Hermione's fingers digging into his thigh. Glancing sideways, she was giving him the frowning of a lifetime.

"Stop squirming, you look like a first-year Hufflepuff," she hissed.

"My crotch feels like it is on fire!" he hissed back.

"Starting foreplay a little early mon ami?" she teased.

"Seriously - since we came into the Great Hall the front of my trousers has done nothing but itch. I have gone through every possible cause including the laundry techniques of house elves and can't think why I am feeling this way.

"Do you think one of the students jinxed you has a joke?

"I would suggest that is highly unlikely as the last great pranksters in Hogwarts were the Weasley twins. As much as it pains me to say this about Griffindors, no one has had their level of finesse since.

"You don't think a house elf has put itching powder in your boxers?

Lotus Turner-Jones raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow at Severus and Hermione's frantic exchanges.

"You would think they would have enough decency to get a room or have stayed in their quarters." Her continental twang carried along the table.

"Oh shush Lotus, it is nice to see some love back in the castle.

"Minerva, what we are seeing at this Christmas dinner table isn't love – it is full-on 110 per cent, grade A1 lust."

"They're happy. So in the name of Merlin, just get over yourself. Just because you're not getting any…"

"Hooch, would you like a broomstick jammed someplace you can't get it back from?"

Minerva's goblet slammed onto the table, causing the three women to stop their bickering. A well-practiced glare left the younger women thinking their dessert was far more interesting than the dilemmas being faced by Severus and Hermione.

"There are students still present," Minerva intoned, directing a pointed glance towards the student table where a couple of first years where straining to hear what was going on and why something unnatural was about to happen to a broomstick.

"Severus, are you sure you are okay?"

"But Hermione, I am not wearing boxers toda … holy Merlin's flaming jockstrap! MOLLY WEASLEY!"

It was hard to say what happened next, whether it was Minerva knocking over a full jug of custard which left a yellow waterfall from the edge of the staff table to the floor; Lotus Turner-Jones hollering at the top of her lungs for Severus to "get his snarky arse back here and explain everything." or Madam Hooch offering to scratch Severus wherever he itched.

This last earned Madam Hooch a close encounter with Hermione's right hook.

The students were left wondering whether their oh-so staid teachers had been hitting the Christmas cheer more than a little early.

Severus sprinted from the Great Hall, the friction of the woolly g-string becoming almost unbearable to the point of pain. Reaching into his trousers, his fingers curled around the waistband of the offending garment.

Any damage that might be sustained by "going commando" would surely be less than leaving this stupid thing on.

He gave an experimental tug on the waistband, Cheap, scratchy wool against bare skin was not good, It almost felt like some kind of burning hex. Who needed a Dark Lord when you could have handcrafted underwear from Molly? Torture definitely had a new name.

If he didn't respect Molly so much, he would have hexed the woman six ways to Sunday by now.

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" The wool eventually gave way and the rainbow underwear fell to the stone floors of Hogwart's corridors near the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.

The offending item was scooped up by Hermione who sprinted by the same spot minutes later. No need to leave evidence for one and all to souvenir. Now, where had Severus gone?

The door to the Room of Requirement appeared before Hermione. Ask and ye shall receive, she thought wryly.

~*~*~*~

The sight that greeted one of Hogwart's brightest would have burned the retinas off a lesser mortal. Severus was kneeling in front of the Floo in a white hotel-style dressing gown trying to keep the garment together. No point in giving Molly an eyeful of the damage she had caused. He wouldn't be able to seduce Hermione for a week.

It was the fluffy bunny slippers on his feet and hers that reduced her to giggles.

"The entire bloody castle is conspiring to give us dodgy Christmas gifts - literally," she muttered.

"Severus, is there anything I can do?" Hermoine walked up and hugged her most confident confidante from behind.

"You could kiss this better later. Mrs Weasley …are you there?" Severus' voice was set at a deceptively silky pitch that Hermione knew meant trouble.

No response from Molly gave Severus and Hermione time to wander over to the bed and wrap themselves around each other – trying to soothe the hurts cheap wool left on tender parts of each other's bodies.

Molly's head came through the Floo just as Hermione's head started descending towards the open flap of Severus' robe.

"Yoo hoo! Severus! Hermione!"

"Merlin's flaming balls Molly!"

"Next time wear a bell! Once is unfortunate but twice is making me think you are into voyeurism."

"But I just wanted to see how you liked your Christmas presents." Molly's head started to sink back into the embers. She had a feeling this might not end well.

"I thought it was rather clever of me to charm ordinary wool to mimic acromantula silk.

"Next time Molly, get Fred or George to do the charm work – it wore off during dinner."

Muttering something about how that wasn't supposed to happen, Molly shrunk into the ashes a little further.

"The Christmas present I was going to give Hermione will now have to wait until well past New Years. You had better hope I have healed by then. It is not manners to keep a lady's Christmas gift from her."

"Molly, next Christmas a gift voucher to Flourish and Blotts will do just fine."

It was all Hermione could do to try and get Molly out of there before this turned really nasty.

"Actually Hermione, I was thinking more along the lines of the magical edition of the Karma Sutra."

The Weasley's matriarch's head disappeared back through the Floo just as a jar of chocolate sauce hit the fireplace, shattering right above where Molly's head would have been.

"Now where were we?" Severus turned his attention back to what really mattered on Christmas afternoon – Hermione.