AN: So, sorry i haven't updated in like... a really really long time. I've had really bad writers block and high school in my way. Plus it took a very long time for me to drug up my mind enough to be able to write Duke and Gonzo properly. Like, watch the movie, not understand what the hell just happened, then read FLCL, watch the Yellow Submarine, and eat TONS of candy till I was crazy enough then watch the movie like, 3 more times. I swear in the name of Count Chocula I will never ever take this long ever again unless something really big happens. Still looking for ideas on who the Death Note crew can meet and a new title for the story. Remember: there's no stupid suggestions, just stupid suggestors... if that's a word... it is now.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. If I did I wouldn't have to write this, now would I?
Warning: Contains MxM, LxL, LOTS OF DRUGS, swearing, and childishness. If you can't handle it, leave.
Chapter 3, Fear and Brownies in Las Vegas part 1
The next morning, L had a rather rude awakening. Two of them, actually.
The first thing he noticed was a weight on his chest. A warm, soft weight.
Poor L, being rather stupid in his half-awake state, snuggled up to it even more. He was rather startled when his new blankie (because it was his, oh yes, it was) groaned and peered at him with sleep-hazed chocolate eyes.
Upon realize that his blankie was in fact Light, he did what anyone as calm and collected as him would do: scream like a little girl, thus making Light flail his arms and legs wildly and toppled off the bed.
"What was that for?!" Light screeched indignantly, "are you trying to make me lose my hearing along with my sanity?!"
"I believe you were the one sprawling all over my side of the bed, Light-Kun."
"You still didn't have to scream like a little girl," Light hissed.
"I most certainly did not scream like a little girl."
"Oh yes you did! It sounded like this! EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!"
"… that was a very good imitation of a girl, Light-Kun. I'm proud of you."
"How is that something to be proud of?"
"… Sarcasm, my dear Light, sarcasm…"
At this, Light growling angrily and attempted to storm into the bathroom for a shower. Unfortunately, he forgot he was chained to the detective - again - and successfully slammed his head into the night stand.
Very hard.
Hard enough to knock poor L out cold.
It didn't last very long though, for mere minutes after this, a piercing scream was heard from Misa's room.
Now, Misa screams are loud. So loud, Light had theories about them waking the dead.
Regardless of whether or not he was right, it was still loud enough to wake an unconscious insomniac two rooms over.
Light sighed angrily and dragged L to his feet and out the door to Misa's room whilst grumbling something along the lines of 'Why the hell dose everyone feel like they have to scream? This is going to be a really damn long day.'
Light swung the door to Misa's room open as was greeted by the single strangest thing he may have ever seen in his entire life. And he had seen some pretty weird shit.
Misa was screaming something about an evil spider from hell being in her bed while hanging upside-down from the ceiling fan while Rem chased a spider the size of a dinner plate around the room.
Light was about to just turn around and walk away, but the arachnophobic model spotted him.
Poor thing.
"Light-kuuuuuuuuuuuun!! Help me!! KILL IT!!" Misa screamed.
What does she want me to do? light thought as he watched Rem continue to chase the spider around the room. Write 'big hairy spider' in the death note?
Rem chased the spider straight towards Light, and he missed his chance to smash it. Fortunately L was fully awake by this point, and slammed the door on it, slicing it in half with a sickening squelch.
"No, it was more of scrunch." Poque announced when she appeared on L's shoulder.
"I say it was a slch." Stiney said when she appeared on his other shoulder.
"What's wrong with good old Squish?" Crowtar asked from her perch in L's hair. (did I mention the plot fairies were Tinker Bell size? No? Well they are.)
"Shesh L, I love your hair and all, but you could drown kittens in this stuff." Crowtar complained and fought with a lock of hair that had itself convinced it was an anaconda and wanted to eat her.
"I'll save you!" Stiney yelled and attempted to climb up to the top of L's head.
All the while, the innocent detective was glaring Poque, who ever since appearing had been whispering 'knock knock' in his ear. Finally, out of sheer morbid curiosity no doubt, he submitted and asked, "Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow!" Poque whispered gleefully.
"… Interrupting cow -" L was unable to finish his sentence, for Poque had waved her little wand in the air and a cow appeared from thin air right on top of Rem.
"Knock knock?" Poque whispered again. Knowing that he'd have to ride this vicious cycle to the end, he again sighed "Who's there?'"
"Interrupting sloth!"
"… Interrupting… sloth… who…?" L stuttered out, as Poque held up one finger and slowly, oh so slowly, moved in to poke him.
"Ow?"
"Yes, that's right mortal, FEAR ME!! Knock, knock!"
"Grr… who's there?"
"Interrupting completely uncalled for."
"I'm scarred."
"You should be."
"No L!" Stiney suddenly yelled, dropping into in line of vision as she was dangling from a strand of hair. "Don't do it! This one's dangerous! There's no telling what she might do!"
"… Interrupting completely unca -" L was unable to finish his sentence yet again. This time because he couldn't breath.
"I hereby rename you, Letta!" Poque said with a truly evil grin on her face.
"Light-Kun, what has she done to me?" L(etta) asked once (s)he could breath again.
Light gave him a blank stare, one of those special kinds of blank stares you give someone who just grew a foot out of the top of their head. Or maybe even the kind of stare you'd give a man if their clothes magically turned into a very pink, very frilly dress. With sequins and lace and the occasional pom-pom. And a corset that made you unable to breath properly. (No, I did not put that image in you head, you put that there all on your own.)
"See, this is what happens when you ignore the Crowtar. I hope you're proud of yourself, L."
Then the rest of the Whammy boys showed up with cameras. L's day was officially ruined. If only he knew what was coming next, he might have been able to save himself.
Once Near, Matt, and Mello were done blinding him with flashing cameras, they noticed Matsuda wasn't there. The cop, no matter how useless at everything else, was a professional morning person. He should have been awake and pestering them well before sun up. Suddenly Ryuk's head popped through the wall and announced that he was being cop-napped.
They all ran to the front of the motel and looked out on the parking lot, were they saw Matsuda being loaded into the back of a very large red convertible along with lots of beer and what naïve little Misa thought was powdered sugar.
"We have to rescue him!" the plot fairies yelled, "if we don't get Matsuda back, this story is screwed!"
"How screwed?" Matt asked.
"Kira taking over the world screwed!"
"Well uhh… we gotta… chase them?" Light stuttered.
"You're not enthusiastic enough! 7!" L said, grinning evilly at Light.
"You two can fight this out in a super dramatic way later! Right now we gotta save Matsuda from the evil clutches of a Samoan and a weird guy in orange sunglasses!" Stiney yelled as Crowtar made large hands appear and bitch-slap the two into submission.
"Orange sunglasses, aye? Maybe I can reason with him…" Matt said and stroked his goggles lovingly.
"There's no time! Everyone in the van! It's time for another car chase!" Poque screeched as the other fairies herded everyone downstairs.
In a few moments, everyone was once again packed into the van and rocketing down the highway after the convertible. Over Misa's whining and Mello's bitching, they somehow managed to hear one of Matsuda's abductors yell, "I don't care who they are, we can't stop! This is bat country!"
"It seems Matsuda is trying to get them to let him go… Near mumbled to L.
"Yes… I wonder what he means by bat country…"
"Who cares? We have to get him back! You heard what those annoying pixies said!"
"We're fairies! Not pixies! Pixies are lower life forms than demon rubber duckies!" Screeched the affronted fairies.
"Hey guys, They're slowing down, prepare to grab Matsuda!"
At Light's command, Matt and Mello opened the passenger side door and leaned across to the car, trying to grab Matsuda. Just when they had him by the arm, the convertible stalled, wrenching him from their grasp.
Light did a very amazing Matt-style U turn and pulled up smoothly in front of the convertible. Matsuda waved like the idiot he was.
L yanked Light out of the van and shuffled over the the convertible with plot fairies in tow.
"Who are you and why did you steal our Matsuda?" L asked the man in the sunglasses.
"I'm Duke, a reporter. And this man is my attorney. His name is Dr. Gonzo. Please don't mind his Samoanness. You're not prejudiced are you?"
"... Answer the other question... "
"He was wondering around alone, outside, unarmed, in BAT COUNTRY!! We saved his life."
"... Okay then... "
"It seems the Big Red Shark died. May we join you in your Big Blue Whale until we reach Los Vegas? We need to check into the Mint hotel before we miss the deadline for free check-in."
"That's where we're staying!" Crowtar squealed, "Sure you can come with us!"
"Who died and made you queen?" L asked, giving the hyper-active fairy a death glare even Mello would be proud of.
"You, actually."
This statement made tears well up in the poor detectives eyes and he forced light to carry him back to the van. Knowing Crowtar, it was probably all part of her master plan to incite yaoi. (He was still wearing the dress, by the way.)
Once the "powdered sugar" and other stuff Misa was too stupid to be let within 5 miles of from the Big Red Shark were loaded into the van along with out hero's other assorted addictions, they started off once again for Vegas.
A few hours of driving later, Mello ran out of chocolate. He tried to behave, really he did, it's just he was so bored.
"Hey, Matt, what does this button do?" Mello asked his boyfriend and pointed to a button on his Gameboy.
"Don't press it," Matt warned. Too bad he just never learns about telling Mello not to do something, for after a minute or two of watching Matt kill zombies, he just had to press it. The Gameboy promptly turned off and destroyed two hours and six boss fights of progress.
Matt gave the poor blond one of those 'I give you ten seconds to get out of my range of fire' looks.
"Uhhh... I love you matty-bear, please don't murder me or do mean things to me with cheese graders, sporks, and chop sticks..."
"Don't worry, I won't kill you," Matt said as he turned his game back on. "No sex for a month though."
Mello whimpered and crawled away to cry into Near's shirt like a kicked puppy. That is, until he figured out just who's shirt she had and promptly punched him in the neck.
"I think you guys need to calm down and stop trying to murder each other every 40 seconds!" Duke said while Mello and Near continued to strangle each other.
"Why 40 seconds?! What the hell makes you think I can kill anyone I want in this van in 40 seconds?!" squeaked a paranoid Light.
"Is THAT a confession, Light-Kun? L asked with an evil glint in his eyes.
"No you useless excuse for a detective! That isn't, never was, or ever will be a confession!" Light screamed. L continued to give him that evil - though sexy - grin, which forced Light to pounce him - for more reasons than one.
"You're right, these guys need to loosen up." said Gonzo, "I think we should make them some brownies! wink, wink"
"Yea! We should! wink, wink"
"Why are you guys saying wink?" Matsuda asked, peering over the seat at them.
"Dear god, no wonder they kidnapped Matsuda! They're just as stupid as him!" L laughed from his position under Light, who was sitting on his chest and had managed to tie his arms down with the chain and still have it clamped on his wrist. "Are you planning to get off anytime soon? I need candy."
"No, I have to think of something to do to you first."
"... feed me?"
"... fine..."
A huge slice of strawberry short cake appeared in Light's hands, which he promptly shoved in L's face.
Matt, knowing L would want to himself but was unable, scraped some of the cake off the detective and flung it at light. NOW it was on. or at least it would have been
on, had l not licked Light's hand when the teen reached down to get cake off L's face to fling at Matt. Light flew across the van cowered there in a truly pathetic attempt to prevent himself from having to molest L right then and there.
The van continued along the highway in this manner for an hour or two, Ryuk driving for some undenounced reason. Then, they saw a candy store coming up on the other side of the road.
"Ryuk, you will pull over or I will be forced to dye your hair bright pink, shave it all off, then glue it to your face and claim you grew a mustache," threatened L.
Ryuk, being far smarter than you'd think he was, recognized this as not being an empty threat and swerved the van across the street to the candy store. L threw and apple at him and patted him on the head while telling him he was a "good Shinigami."
Mello and L ran from the van like over excited children while Matt and Light followed behind them like bored, very annoyed parents.
Between the two of them, they ended up buying pretty much the entire store. Light was beginning to believe that the van's trunk lead to an alternate dimension, what with all the stuff they had back there.
The rest of the way to the hotel, Mello and L were quite content trading things from their bags with each other like kids at Halloween after trick - or - treating.
Once they checked in at the Mint - and L changed out of the dress - our heroes left a cackling Gonzo and Duke in the kitchenette in their room with brownie mix and "powdered sugar" in favor of exploring the city.
Well, there you go, chapter 3! Again, I'm super sorry it took so long, I had writer's block from hell.
Next time, it's L, Light, and everyone else with special brownies!
