Death Note, Drugs, and Car Chases, oh my!
Disclaimer: There was once a little girl who was shown one episode of Death Note, then stood up in her chair and started ranting about how one day should would own Death Note and L and Light would bend to her will. She was then told by her grandma to get off the furniture and go clean her room. She also did not own GameStop of Pirates of the Caribbean, but as if anyone thinks she owns them. If she did, she'd be rich enough to turn Battle Toads into a real game.
Warning: Oh whatever, you know already.
Chapter 5, Fear and Brownies in Las Vegas part 3
"Wheeeee!!! You were right, Light-Chan! This is fun!" L squealed.
"I Knew you'd like it! You can be such a chicken sometimes, Panda-Chan!" Light teased as he zoomed past the detective.
The two, along with Mello, Matt, Duke, and Matsuda had proceeded to leave the others in a giggly mound of giggles in their suite, broke into the hotel office, and stole several wheely chairs that they were now zipping through the streets of Las Vegas on. At this point, they were more lost than a tourist in the Tokyo subway system, but quite frankly they just didn't care. That is, until Matt spotted…
"Sweet zombie Jesus! You guys! A Gamestop! we HAVE the Battle Toads them!! squealed the gamer as he skidded his chair to stop and spun around several times.
"Haha! Ok, but we have to be all awesome about it! L will not Battle Toads a Gamestop unless it is the best Battle Toads ever Battle Toaded!!!" declared the detective as he scooted circles around Light and made strange, incoherent hand gestures.
"Yea! I know what we should do!" yelled Matsuda. "We have to march in there, single file, doing the Ministry of Silly Walks walk, stop in the dead center of the store, and scream battle toads at the very top of our lungs!"
"While doing the Pee Wee Herman dance!" added Light.
"We'll need to buy some plat form shoes!" declared Mello.
"There's a thrift store across the street!" pointed out Duke.
And with that, the group scooted across the busy highway to the thrift store, bought platform shoes, sequined jackets with plenty of tassels, and a few fake afros.
Once they were appropriately dressed for this grand occasion, they scooted back across, parked their chairs, and commenced silly walk.
As soon as Mello - The first in line - crossed the thresh hold, the man behind the desk had given them a look that clearly said, "If there is a God, smite them now!" By the time all six of them had entered the shop, the poor man looked ready to murder them. Light set the CD player he had also bought, along with appropriate CD, down on the floor, hit play, and they all commenced Dancing, Pee Wee style, and screamed Battle Toads repeatedly. The three plot fairies joined them soon enough and began dancing about in the air.
That's when the cops came in, and immediately pounced L, the sugar addict being closest to the door. He dodged, causing them to land in a heap, and proceeded to yell, "You can't catch me, I'm bathed in cocoa butter!" While waving his arms at his sides like an octopus.
They all flitted out the door, trampling the pile of cops, and scooted away to the safety of… far away at a speed that should not be humanly possible.
After our trippin' heroes -and psychopath - scooted down the street for several more minutes of strange looks and honking car horns, Light stopped dead in his tracks and said, "Oh my god, you guys! An As Seen on TV store! didn't L want something we saw on TV last week?"
"Yes Light-Chan! It was a semi-automatic marshmallow launcher!" said the excited sugar fiend.
"We're goin' in there and buyin' some so we can have a marshmallow war!" declared Mello. At that the group sped into the store, almost knocking over a small child and her aggravated mother in the process.
After they'd prowled around in the store for sometime, continually getting distracted in their quest for 'mallow guns by other strange wonders, Matsuda finally found their explosive treasure.
The group bought enough even for those who had stayed at the hotel, along with 50 bags o 'mallowy doom, and scooted back to the hotel with their spoils. The "exploration group returned to their suite to see quite a strange sight. Or at least what would have been a strange sight had they not been as stoned out of their minds as they were.
The plot fairy who called herself Crowtar was beating near over the head with an inflatable mallet that made squeaky noises when it hit something, Gonzo and Rem were break dancing to White and Nerdy, and Ryuk was being teased by the two other fairies by making huge apples appear then disappear just before he grabbed them. Then Misa appeared from nowhere and screamed, "SOCK 'EM BOPPERS!!!" and proceeded to fling herself at Matsuda and beat him silly.
Fortunately Light was prepared, and before Misa could realize she'd pounced the wrong man, he pounded her head with a volley of automatic sugary fire. Rem then charged the teen like a tentacly wild boar and sat on him.
White Light was rendered defenseless by the weight of the surprisingly heavy Shinigami, everyone grabbed a 'mallow gun and pelted him with volley after volley of the sugary little things. It soon turned to an all-out war that raged across the entire hotel, eventually becoming organized and forming teams.
But it took a while.
A long while.
L, light, Matt, Mello, Duke, and Ryuk were on one team with Near, Gonzo, Rem, Matsuda, and Misa on the other. Near's team had control of the south end of the hall, which included the ice machine and supply closet/employee elevator. L's team had the other end of the hall, with their suite and the vending machines.
"Hey L, they've been huddled around that ice bucket for a while. I think they're plotting something," whispered Light to the insomniac.
"I know, I sent Ryuk over on reconnaissance. He should be back by now though…" he replied.
'The fort's done!" announced Matt as he and his boyfriend climbed out a twisted pile of bed sheets and chairs.
Duke and Light had demanded a fort, and l had the drama-queen and the gamer build it with stuff from their suite. The finished product was quite impressive, considering it'd taken all of tem minutes to build.
"I don't know… I think it's missing something…" said Duke.
"Leave it to me!" said Light as he trotted off to their suite. When he returned he was carrying a piece of paper and some tape. The paper said, in bold red letters, "No girls, Samoans, sheeply bastards, or…Matsudas allowed!" Light taped it up on the side of the fort facing the enemy, and Duke pronounced it ready for battle.
"Hey guys! They have a fort! All we have it cold 'mallows!" whined Matsuda.
"Don't worry! We'll still win! Freezing them makes them hurt more, they'll surrender in no time!" Misa assured him.
"That's paint ball," growled the sheep.
"Same difference!"
"That saying makes no sense!"
"…at least I'm not sheeply!"
"… HOW DARE MELLO TEACH OTHER PEOPLE TO CALL ME SHEEPLY?! HE SHALL PAY FOR THIS … FOOLYISHNESS!!! YESSSSS…." Near screeched and tried to run at the other team's base. Gonzo and Matsuda managed to restrain him just in the nick of time.
Just then, Rem came out of the wall, dragging Ryuk behind her.
"Look what I found in the wall! What should we do with him?"
"Hang him!"
"Yea!"
"Draw and quarter him!"
"Yea!!"
"Take his apples!"
"YEA!!!"
And so Ryuk's pockets were searched, 32 apples were found, turned to mush, and dumped down the laundry chute, and a Shinigami was sad.
"Dude, they have Ryuk! They took his apples… now they're interrogating him with threats of pink hair dye…" reported Matt from atop his look out tower (bar stool) where he was watching the enemy with his spyglass (rolled up newspaper.)
"Drat, That's not good. Ryuk's deathly afraid of pink stuff." Light muttered.
"He'll reveal our battle plans in no time." predicted L.
"We gotta get him outta there."
"Right! How's this for a plan?" Matt sputtered after leaping (falling flat on his face) from the "tower." "I run in, start punching people in the face, see where it takes us."
Matt's plan met disapproval with L, who signaled for Light to shoot the gamer in the face. Light, finding his launcher empty, turned around to reload. when he'd turned back around Matt, Mello, and Duke were half way down the hall, screaming, "Leroy Jenkins!" like banshees and waving their guns in the air. Light and L just glanced at each other, shrugged, and charged after them.
The group was locked in fierce battle till dawn, but was forced to call it a truce when a particularly scary old lady came out of her room and began screaming at them in Russian.
Even after such a long, manic night the brownies L and Light had made still hadn't worn off. Despite the fact they were all still more or less shit faced, Duke and Gonzo shoved booze and acid down their throats.
"You guys are with us now! You might as well act like it!" Duke said as he force fed Near an entire bottle of gin.
Meanwhile, in one of the four bedrooms attached to their suite, L and Light were sprawled on a bed amongst a mound of empty strawberry daiquiri bottles, marshmallows, sharpies, and peanut shells.
They had been ordered to shell peanuts to collect the red bits because Mello, Matt, Ryuk, and Misa had smoked their entire stock of weed. How peanut skins would solve that problem neither of them knew, but they did anyway. Or at least they attempted it. In the end Light just ate them while L chugged massive amounts of strawberry daiquiri. The plot fairy Crowtar had appeared with a huge case of sharpies of every color imaginable, and insisted upon coloring Light's hair. He tried to ward her off with his marshmallow gun, but kept missing. Eventually L told him to just let her, as he would look pretty hot with a few high lights.
Now the fairy was gone, leaving Light's brown hair a rainbowical mess.
"L, why in the hell did you let that annoying pixy do this to me? It won't come out for weeks!" whined the teen.
"Relax Light-Chaaaaaan, It's cuuuuuute," drawled the drunken L.
"Why do I get the feeling that when you're sober you'll be bashing my brains in, though?"
"Because… Light -Chan is silly! Besides, Light-Chan isn't exactly sober either!" L giggled and pointed towards the rather large, rather empty bottle of rum.
"Yea, but that was only one! you had like, 5 bottles that size!"
"Pfft, yer only trying to make yourself sound better. But you can't hide the fact that Light-Chan is a pirate from L!"
"… Why are you speaking in 3rd person? And since when am I a pirate?" asked an annoyed Light. He hadn't quite had enough rum to understand L's current state of silly.
"Cause your rum is gone!" squealed L before he started laughing manically and hiccupping at the same time. it was likely the strangest sound Light had ever heard.
"Wha… L, I… I think…. you're shit-faced!"
Then Stiney appeared, bashed Light over the head with her wand, screamed, "He's talking about Pirates of the Caribbean you raging idiot!" in a bad British accent, and disappeared.
Light rubbed his head in pain and cursed those damn fairies, as well as himself for not getting it sooner. He glances down at L, still giggling madly, and decided that while the detective was in such a… pliable mood he might as well enjoy it. As he reached for a second bottle of rum, a pirate hat with 'property of Captain Novascoia' embroidered on the inside, along with another damn sticky note. This one read: Crowtar is forcing me to lend you my most prized captain's hat so you can role-play and - in the words of the man sex addicted maniac - make glorious yaoi together. You snag so much as one thread on my hat and you can expect to wake up in the morning with me sitting at the foot of your bed with a toothbrush, preparing to viciously murder you with it. ~Poque.
Light would have been rather scared of the plot fairy's wrath, but he had already downed half of the new bottle of rum while reading the incredibly long note, so he merely donned the hat and slurred, "Drink up me hearties, yo ho," before pouncing.
In moments L had shoved him off a said, "What? You did not just… you did! You quoted a pre-existing pirate! Light-Chan is not good at role-playing!"
"Isn't the point of role-playing pretending to be someone else? And besides, it's not like you not how to role-play anyway, right? …right?"
"… Light-Chan makes a point…"
"Exactly! Now shut up and kiss me."
And so there was much groping, leading up to much steaming hot man sex, during which - even though he put up quite the fight - Light took bottom.
Many hours later, when Light was only half conscious, he could have sworn he heard the panda whisper, "Who's the pirate captain now?" Then he felt the hat that had somehow managed to stay on his head through the entire ordeal slip off his head. He flickered his eyes open one last time and saw L leaning over him with the hat on, caressing his cheek ever so gently as if he might break at the slightest touch despite what L had been doing to him moments before, and slipped off to sleep.
AN: ok, so, I am a horrible, lazy, selfish bitch. There is no excuse for this slow an update, i'm sorry, you have my full permission to follow Poque's example and kill my with a toothbrush. Speaking of which, Captain Novascotia is one of her alter-egos if you will. On top of being so horribly lazy, I couldn't quite get this cpater to flow right and ended up rewriting the whole thing about 8 times. I'm still not happy with it and it still wouldn't be posted till I was happy with it but I don't want to make my readers - if any of you really care all that much - wait any longer.
Please review this chapter and tell me how you like it. I personally think it's very choppy and rushed sounding, but maybe it's just me. I have such low self-esteeme, but I still try, aren't you proud of me?
