OMG! I'M SO SORRY I WAS GONE FOR SO LONG! Through the joint effort of groundings, anime cons, homework, and writer's block, I've neglected this story horribly. I hope I havn't done any phsycological damage. To make sure DNDCC is seeing a counselor next Thursday. I've made this chapter extra long to try and made up for my long hiatus of sorts. This chapter was inspired by an episode of That 70's Show and the book Tale of the Body Thief. Enjoy!

Death Note, Drugs, and Car Crashes, Oh My!

Chapter 6: Of Kegs an Body Switching

"Light? Light! Wake up! LIGHT!! WAKE UP!! You're having a bad dream! WAKE UP DAMNIT!!!" L screeched at the teen and shook him roughly. Finally Mello, hearing L's struggle, came in with a large glass of cold water, which was promptly dumped on Light. His mission complete, Mello spun around and trotted back into the main room.

"L! Oh my god! You're alive!" he sputtered, "I… I had the most horrible dream… I thought I killed you!"

"…Kira?" asked L with a cute little head tilt.

"No! Scar! In my dream… you were Mufasa… from The Lion King…"

"…Light-Chan, just get dressed." Sighed the detective.

"Where're Duke and Gonzo? I don't hear their crazed shouting," Yawned Light.

"They left a few hours ago, yelling something about lizards and bat country."

Light merely grunted in response and stepped into his pants. That's when he noticed the the toothbrush.

"Uhh… L… Where's the pirate hat?"

"Plot fairies came and got it in the middle of the night. The creepy on claimed there was a snag though…"

"…you stayed up all night watching me sleep again, didn't you?"

"Weeeeeell, I had to protect you from crazed toothbrush wielding maniacs, no?"

"Geez, Panda-Chan. You're almost as bad as having a glittery vampire from a book fan-girled over by thousands of hormonal teenage girls as a boyfriend."

"I know, right?"

Several hours and an argument over whether or not they should turn north to avoid ending up in Mexico later, Light had become rather bored, and as we all know that can prove fatal.

"Panda-Chan! Entertain me! A murderous rampage would be more fun than this!"

"Twelve percent."

"Come on now, you've got to be in the thousands now with that damned percentage. Give it a rest and play with me!"

"Just do it L, his whining is breaking my concentration on Mario." Sighed Matt.

"Fine, fine. Rem, you drive."

Without even bothering to pull over, L began climbing into the back of the van. Rem popped up from the floorboard where she had been crouched pressing pedals so the detective could stay in his customary sitting position.

After rolling his eyes at L, Light announced, " Cliff, Shag, Marry! Duke, Near, Misa!"

"Ok, cliff Duke, he scares me… shag Near, marry Misa, kill her, and steal all her money."

This response earned L a crying Misa and a Light who insisted upon tying Near to the roof of the van. Mello was in favor of this, but the two were unfortunately distracted by L asking Matt, "Playstation, Wii, and X-Box?"

"Definitely cliff the X-Box, shag the Wii, and marry the Playstation." Said the gamer, not even pausing to think, as if he'd spent time carefully thinking about such things before…

"Yea Matt, that's not creepy at all." Laughed Mello.

"New game?" asked Matsuda.

"Indubitably! I declare I spy!" yelled Light.

"Misa-Misa wants to start! Ok, uhh… I spy something… handsome!"

"Is it me?" asked Light.

"Yes! Light-Kun's so smart!"

"It's kind of obvious, Misa." L growled.

"…anyways… I spy something –" started Ryuk, but Near interrupted with, "Apple."

"I spy something sheeply!" grinned Mello.

"Near!" they all answered.

"I spy something that manages to stick a gun down the front of tight pants." Snarled the sheep.

"Mello!"

"Yea, well I spy something that never leaves the SPK and probably eats its toys!"

"Near!"

"I spy something below me."

That time, no one said anything. They just glared stonily at the sheep.

"I spy something with a huge ass crush on L!" said Crowtar, who hadn't been noticed 'til now.

"Light?" asked Ryuk.

"Nooooo, more obvious!" she giggled.

"OOO! OOO! Is it me?!" asked Near.

"We have a winner!" yelled the fairy, cackling madly.

And so Near was beaten to a sheeply pulp by a certain possessive ex-mass murderer who was extremely tempted to take up his old profession at the moment, only being convinced otherwise by L, who was sitting on him to hold him down so he couldn't write. Because Light didn't care that Near wasn't that sheeply bastard's real name, oh no. L was his, damnit!

"Misa-Misa thinks we shouldn't play games anymore."

"C'mon! There has to be at least one game that's safe for us to play, right?" begged a now very bored gamer whose batteries had just run out.

"Fine. How about… word association?" asked Rem.

"sounds relatively safe. Then again, so did I spy…" said Near, who was currently nursing his wounds.

"It's worth a shot." Sighed L, a very obvious look of 'why the hell do I live with these people?' on his panda-like face.

"Misa-Misa wants to start again! Pineapple!"

"Pina Coladas!" yelled Light.

"Tastilicious!" said L.

"You like Pina Coladas?" asked a surprised Light.

"NO QUESTIONS ANSWERS!!! IT'S A RULE!!!" screeched Stiney, having appeared on Light's shoulder and proceeded to slap him.

"… made up words…" said Near, unaffected by the utter random of his life.

"Ridoculous!" said Matt.

"Matsuda!" said Mello.

"Big ass crush on Misa!" laughed Ryuk.

"Rem!" said Light.

"I do not—"

"Toilet paper arms!" interrupted L.

"Tentacle hair!" offered Matsuda.

"Near!" said Crowtar.

"I do not—!"

"SHEEP!!!" screeched Mello.

"Goat" said Matt.

"OH MY GOD! Huffie," said Crowtar, who was then joined by Stiney and the two had a laughing fit on Matt's head.

"What's with you guys and people's heads?"

"And where's the other one? I know there were three of you before… is she waiting to ambush me with that dress again?" asked L.

"I thought it was kinda cute…" mumbled Light. At this, both present fairies squealed in a high-pitched, fan-girly manner anf began talking about gay porn at the speed of light.

"Thaaaaat's not creepy…" said L, shrinking away before they could tackle him and put the dress back on. "But seriously, where's the other one?"

"Oh, we fired Poque. Her replacement is currently going through the extremely painful process of shrinking to Tinker Bell size." Said Crowtar casually as she dug about in L's hair.

"… I'm bored," whined Matt, who was rewared with a packet of batteries being magically flung at his goggled face.

"That leaves nothing for the rest of us to do…"

"Wanna try to play a game again?"

"I lost!" shrieked both fairies angrily.

"Wow, I think their minds finally went away completely," said Mello, poking Stiney with his chocolate. The resulted in the little fairy being latched onto it tightly, chomping away, and no matter how much Mello waved it about he couldn't detach the little pirana.

"It's The Game. Once you know about the game you're playing forever. Whenever you think about it you have to yell 'I lost' no matter where you are. The goal of the game is to forget it exists for the longest period of time," explained Stiney, having finally been flung off Mello's baby.

"I see… WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HAIR?!" L shouted.

"Looking for kittens…" Crowtar whispered in his ear.

"Oh M Jesus! Wouldn't it be so cute if L lost all his hair and there was just this kitten sitting on his head?" squealed Stiney.

"That would be adorable!" shrieked Misa.

"Ladies, can we please just listen to music? I think only dogs can hear you now anyway." Whimpered Matsuda.

"I got this!" announced Crowtar, who then summoned an extremely messy desk with a clunky old desktop to float in the air. After five whole minutes, the dinosaur was finally booted up and the fairy was scrolling through mountains of illegally downloaded music.

Soon music that seemed uncharacteristically slow for the hyper little fairy was pumping through the very tiny, yet very loud speakers attached to her computer. And then L started to sing along…

"I must be dreaming or… we're onto something. I must be dreaming or… I don't fall inlove so lawlessly."

And then grumbles of, "Meh, I'm not in the mood for that stuff," was heard from the two fairies huddled around the tiny monitor, and the song was changed, and L was sad.

"I love this song!" Squealed Ryuk, who continued to dance about the van with the fairies to some inane Irish rock. Half way through the song, Near found the next button on the keyboard and jabbed it with one of Misa's hair pins after pronouncing Flogging Molly 'annoying.'

"Dude, yes! This is like, my theme song!" yelled Matt who began bopping along to Techonologic.

"Eh, that's annoying too," grumbled Near before pressing the next button again.

"Eww, Light, your stupid theme song will die now!" said Misa, skipping over Sexy Back before the words even had time to start, thus depressing Light. And then a song very familiar to all started…

"Want some?! Feel like pie! Home-security, want some?! Feels like pie!"

"Hold on, hold on! Those aren't the words, L!" Said Ryuk.

"Yes they are. This part's obviously about my love of sweets." Protested the detective.

"THIS is how you sing it! Stiney, restart the song!" ordered light.

"What's up, fuzzy bear?! Oh, saint gin and tonic, what's up, fuzzy bear?!"

"How is that better than my way?"

"Just is love, just is," said the teen, deliberately mocking his lover's British accent, which of course enticed more squeals from the fairies, followed by a whispered conversation and many clicks.

"Did I just hear the words L, Light, mini-skirt, and strawberry flavored lube used in the same sentence?" asked Misa.

"Yes you did," said Crowtar, with a wink at the pair.

"Anyway, on to business! This story hasn't progressed at all in ages! We need to get you lot scurrying along!" said a Stiney that suddenly looked rather imposing.

"What about—"

"Our evil plan to incite yaoiocity coming the fruition doesn't count, Light! We refer to your being in the same place for so long! You are all going to Salt Lake City to spend some time with the Mormons!"

"But we just passed that exit!" said Rem.

"Do you really think that'll stop me?" cackled Crowtar, who then assaulted Rem in the driver's seat. After much swerving and almost being flattened by a massive truck that seemed to be hauling chickens, the fairy was in control of the van and was zooming down the highway, at top speed, against traffic.

Upon arriving at the exit to Salt Lake City, the fairy made a vicious U turn – more like a V turn – and began swerving along toward the city. That is until they reached traffic, thus forcing Crowtar to pull off the high way, through the woods, and onto 'the back way.'

"This is where we disappear guys, my driving isn't built for these roads," said the fairy after pulling over.

"Your driving isn't made for the autobahn you psycho! You could've killed us all!" scolded Near.

"Shut up sheep, you're just jealous," said the fairy before disappearing with a flick of her wand. After the plot fairies left, control o f the van was left to the mercy of Misa Amane. Mistakenly, all nine of our heroes thought all was well, until Matsuda and Ryuk demanded they get off at the next exit for Taco

"I told you we shouldn't let Misa drive!" grumbled a chocolate deprived Mello.

"Don't worry, Grumpy-Kun! Misa-Misa has a very good sense of direction! We're just going the long way!" said the cheery model.

"See, she knows what she's doing, I'll bet this is even a short cut!" said Matsuda.

"I'll take that bet," said L from the very back of the van where he and Light were having a match of epic tennis on Matt's 2 spare DSs.

Suddenly, Ryuk yelled, "Look out, Misa! There's a key in the road!"

Misa swerved, missed the offending barrel o' booze, and kept driving until…

"Oh my god, turn around! That was a keg!"

Soon the gang's van was pulled up beside the keg, reveling in its beauty. Matt could have sworn it glowed with an ethereal iridescence.

"Well, it's a keg. Now what?" asked the ever monotone Near.

"Hell yea it's a keg!" said Mello.

"A keg full of beer…" said Matt.

"Yea, unclaimed beer…" said Light.

"And we found it, so it's ours!" exclaimed L, being the first to realize this magical fact.

Within seconds, they had it rolled into the back of the Big Blue Whale and were charging away to Salt Lake City. Two hours later, Ryuk made an awful realization after they got it up to their room, "There's no tap!"

"You're right… Yagami, Matt, go buy one!" commanded Mello.

"How are we gonna find a beer tap in a city overrun with Mormons?!" asked Light.

"Just come on, man. I'm sure it's not as bad as every one says." Matt said as he dragged his fetching partner out the door.

"Ok, it's as bad as everyone says." Sighed Matt after he and Light found their third liquer store being surrounded by Mormons with picket signs.

"I say we go in anyway!" declared Light.

"What if they brandish things?"

"We ignore it."

"What if they brandish chickens?"

"…Just come on."

And so the two charged through the horde of Mormons, retrieved the beer tap, and ran all the back to the hotel, waving it around in the air as if they'd found the holy grail. Or at least they tried to. Matt got tired after a block. Thus began the soul searching.

"So how'd you and L get together, anyway?"

"You know, you've been here the whole time. The damn plot fairies did it."

"I don't think it was all them. I know it wasn't. You two so liked each other before the nine of us even moved to America."

"Was it that obvious?" Light was so startled by the extent of the gamer's knowledge that he almost dropped their precious tap.

"Probably not to L, being as socially retarded as he is. The others probably knew something was up, they just didn't know what, but I've always been able to read people extremely well. It's probably why I'm so good with Mello and his mood swings."

"You know, that's something I've been wondering about. How'd you and Mello hook up? You're such an unlikely pair, even as friends."

"We grew up together in the same orphanage as Near and L. As a kid I was just like him, and he hasn't changed a bit. I've known him for as long as I can remember."

"So you've been best friends your entire life?"

"Yep, BFF. Literally."

"Coolio."

"Did you just say 'coolio'?"

"That I did, Matt, that I did. Please punch me in the face if I ever do again."

"Will do," laughed the gamer,"Hey Light?"

"Yea?"

Where the hell are we?"

"Good question."

Upon realizing that they were indeed hopelessly lost in Salt Lake City, they but their monsterous brains together and thought up a plan.

"L, we're lost. Save us."

The detective sighed deeply into his cell phone, proclaimed that the two of them were forever banned from errand running, then hunted them down using the tracking device he'd had installed in Light's shoulder.

"Come along you defenseless mollusks," said L upon finding the two of them curled up in a pitiful ball on the curb like damp kittens.

"…mollusks…?"

"Yes, you are both mollusks. I shall tell you why in a few days once I figure it out myself."

"L, I think spending so much time with us had made you even crazier than before," laughed Light as he and Matt picked themselves up off the curb.

"Light-Chan, what are you doing to my arm?" asked L after the first few blocks.

"Clinging," came Light's muffled reply from where he'd buried his face in L's arm.

"Well aren't you being sweet tonight. What do you want?"

"Panda-Chan! How could you say such a thing? Matt, pinch him for his insolence!"

"3 percent Kira-Chan, 3 percent."

"L! How is pinching a Kira-like behavior?" asked Light.

"Yea, it's almost as if you're grasping at straws with the percentage thing," added Matt.

"I know, the only reason I still do it is so I can mess with ya!" said L, who then proceeded to catch Light in a head-lock and ruffle his hair.

"Aww, now you guys look like twins."

"Shut up Matt!"

"That wasn't me…"

At this, the three stopped dead in their tracks and paled significantly – yes, including L – then the trio hissed, "Plot fairies."

Suddenly, an evil cackling filled the hair a heavy mist flooded the street on all sides. The three, following their cluster instinct, latched on to each other and quivered in terror. All in all, it was quite like an episode of Scooby-Doo.

A small, dark shape began to emerge from the mist and the cackling grew louder.

"I bet it's Stiney," whispered Matt through chattering teeth.

"No, it's gotta be Crowtar, Stiney's not evil enough for this."

"No, wait it's… the replacement!"

"That's right boys! It is I: Mastrkrak!"

"…Where do you girls get these names?!"

"Nobody knows, not even us. Regardless, Stiney and Crowtar sent me to screw up your little errand, and from the looks on your faces, the mission was a success."

"Actually it wasn't, you dolt! You were just supposed to mess with 'em, not scare 'em shitless!" squaked Crowtar who had appeared from nowhere – again.

"I thought I was the fairy of terror."

"No, you're the fairy of mind fuck."

"Isn't that your job?"

"No, I'm the fairy of pointless silliness!"

"Thought that was Stiney…"

"Stiney's the fairy of yaoi!"

"…Fine then… So, you want me to do things like this instead?" asked Mastrkrak with a wave of her wand.

"…What happened?" asked a worried Light, "aww, shit! I'm in L's body!"

"That's more like it, Mastrkrak! You are dismissed," said Crowtar before poofing her fellow fairy away and turning to the three with a menacing grin.

"I'm in Matt!" L whined.

"Mello's gonna be pissed…" muttered Matt from Light's body.

"That's it you annoying little pixie! Put us back in our bodies or I'll…pull off your wings!" threatened Light.

"NOT A PIXIE!!! For that, no body fixing for you!" screamed the fairy before poofing away.

"…Well shit…"


Well, there you are, chapter 6. if anyone has any ideas on how they get their bodies back, please tell me, it would be much appriciated. Sorry again.