Helloz, sorry for the long update time, what with half term and my Laptop crashing AGAIN FUCKING WINDOWS XP AND RUBBISH HP LAPTOP (ranting continues for about 3 hours) Anyway, that explains my little humour at Microsoft's expense and here it is at last my longest chapter yet, another 2 part chapter this one is more comedic than the last couple. Please R+R, with constructive criticism. Also add any story suggestions.

Chapter 6 – Lascannon

It had been nearly 3 months since Amber's encounter with The Spider Guard, her acceptance into the Forq marines – the first known female Astrates – and her promotion to Chapter Champion and Chapter Master Stressius's 'Personal Assistant (in his words). The entire ship was bored. There had been no planets en-route for over 1 month so there had been no combat.

'Drop out of the Warp' Stressius ordered 'We're finally near a planet', alert the crew and Marines to prepare for battle' than said, more to himself than anyone on the bridge 'may relive some of the boredom' adding 'what's the planet's name by the way?' he asked

'Pissole, sir' one of the crew replied.

'Open a channel to the PDF commander, move all ships to bombarding positions and ready the Drop Pods'

'What battle plan, sir?'

'What ever the Company Captains think will be most fun' Stressius smirked as a series of clicking the signalled the Servitors responding to his orders.

'Hello, General Puff' Stressius said confidently into the vox to the PDF commander of the planet Pissole while the final ship signalled it was in position. 'Greetings, sir, how may I be of assistance on this humble research world?'

'I am Chapter Champion Stressius, I bring bad news – war is due.'

'Surly you should be specking to the planetary Governor, regarding the evacuation of the Emperor's Servants'

'Nope' was the simple reply.

'Well then Chapter Master Stressius' he paused as a Lieutenant handed him a print out on the Forq Marines 'of the Forq…' he was cut short as Stressius screamed down the line to the commander.

'What did you just say, don't tell me to fuck off, you little TWAT! This means WAR!' Stressius terminated the vox link then opened the IPO (Intership Pisser Offer) 'Bombard the crap out of the planet, take-out interstellar comms first' he said before turning to his bridge's crew 'power lance weapons, raise shields 20% power'

'Yes, sir' came the reply as Servitors rushed to follow his commands.

A joy-stick popped out from one of the arms of his command chair and a large screen descended from the ceiling, above 60ft above, so it was level with Stressius's eye line. He pressed the fire button and nearly 1 Million mega-tons of explosives fell on the planet, levelling all major cities and most military strongholds. Stressius had decided to let Amber command the forces on the ground so he linked the joystick up to one of the main battle cannons on board his Battle Barge, he moved the cross hairs on the giant screen in front of him so they pointed at a Orbital Defence Battery and hit the fire button again and it exploded in a massive fireball, at least 5km wide, and fragments fell to the ground, hitting several buildings.

3 hours passed of Stressius destroying buildings and military formations with his on-board cannon. He was bored again. 'Ready my Drop Pod, lock it on to Amber's position, radio her I'm on my way and mobilize more forces to sector 347Y, there's a growing group of PDF there I want removed'

'Yes, sir' came the reply.

WHAAM! The Drop Pod smashed into the ground like a bullet. The doors fell open as Stressius stepped out in his Artificer made armour. Amber was about 10ft away; they smiled at each other as Stressius walked over and removed his helmet like Amber. 'Um, Stressy dear' Amber cooed, stoking Stressius's ear 'you landed on one of our Terminators.' Stressius snapped round and faced the Drop Pod and saw a huge dent in one of the petals. It was the shape of Terminator armour. 'Oh crap' he muttered as he walked over and lifted the heavy door, causing a bead of sweat on his brow to form, and saw an Astrates in Terminator armour standing with a small dent in the helmet 'Hi, sir' he said, rubbing the dent 'Oww'

'Oh shut it you twatty wimp'

'Yes, sir. Sorry, sir' the Terminator replied, looking at his feet and doubting his commanders sense of High Gothic.

It had been about 10 hours since Stressius had touched down and only 3 isolated pockets of resistance remained: The Governor's Place, The main Cathedral and the Primary Research Laboratory of the planet.

'Prepare to Storm the main entrance' Stressius said in the vox, standing on the edge of dense area of buildings about 500m away from the facility, as Lasgun fire bounced off his armour, hit the buildings around him or just missed completely and Bolters replied. 'I want charges ready to be blown in 2 Champion' He said to the Raptor Aspiring Champion next to him.

'If you insist' the champion replied.

'All men, reload and move on my mark' Stressius said once again into the vox as the Raptor squads took off and headed for the Lab.

About a minute later the raptors returned 'The charges are ready'

'Excellent, destroy them' Stressius grinned. The Champion pressed the detonation button on the control in his hand and all hell broke loos.

The explosion could be heard for miles around and a massive amount of smoke billowed forth from the now gapping hole that used to be the front wall of the Lab. 'Hmmm, maybe a bit less next time' the Champion pondered before taking off into the smoke, his squad following. Body parts of the defenders rained down on the Chaos Marines that where now charging across the baron wasteland between there cover and the Lab while Havocs and Predators fired at anything that moved that wasn't an Astrates. 'Kill the twats, charge' Stressius cried, raising his relic blade above his head, a bit late for the egger Chaos Marines 'For Slaansh, the Prince of Pleasure' came the cy of the 1st, 2nd and 6th company as the remaining Astrates leapt from there fox holes and joined the charge except the Havocs and Predators, and newly arrived Land Raider Crusader that had just arrived, kept the few remaining defenders pinned down.

[LIFEFORMS DETECTED]

[BEGIN BOOTUP]

[LOADING…]

[WINDOWS DOS LOADED]

[SYSTEM CRASH… RESTART]

[LOADING…]

[WINDOWS VISTA LOADED]

[SYSTEM CRASH… RESTART]

[BOOT MAC? Y/N]

[Y SELECTED… BOOTING MAC]

[LOADING…]

[MAC LOADED]

[SYSTEM STABLE]

[UPDATING ANTI-VIRUS]

[SYNCHRONISING CLOCK]

'CRAP FORGOT 001100101010'S BIRTHDAY' thought a distance machine, which looked oddly like skeletons, deep below the planet's surface as it picked up a green glowing weapon.

Stressius slaughtered the 3 Guardsman that where stationed by a door at the end of a corridor by his Bolter. Flanked by Amber and his honour guard he shot the code lock off the door and kicked it open, not that the lock would have held anyway, standing on one of the defenders that had fired at his squad, bits of brain and bone flying everywhere. 'Don't you dare fire at Amber, prick' he spat as he did.

He entered a large circular room with a domed ceiling, rather like an observatory – including the gap in the roof for a telescope. However, instead of a telescope there was what looked like a extremely large Lasgun barrel, about 30m long and 3m wide had the tip of its barrel pocking out the hole. Chapter Champion Amber fired a single round from her Bolt Pistol into the back of the Techpreist working on the machine attached to the bottom of the barrel. It had lots of oddly shaped and coloured pipes and cables going out the back in or into the floor. 'It's like some kind of Lascannon' one of the Honour Guard said aghast. 'No it isn't you stupid twat' Stressius screamed, turning to kick the Chaos Marines in the shin cracking the power armour. 'Lascannons are cellotaped to the sides of Predators. As the Astrates collapsed in agony, Stressius noticed a little panel that had just lit up displaying a single word:

Ready

Next to it was a large red button. Stressius walked over to it 'No mortal could resist a big red button.' He pushed it. The ground started shaking as if the Thunderhawk landing outside was just feet above Stressius. 'What the Fuck!?' he called out as he was thrown to the ground. The end of the barrel started to glow and a high pitched wining sound came from the machine attached to the end of it. A giant orange beam blasted out the end of the barrel, the same way a Lasgun does. 'The shaking stopped and the squad stood back up 'It's just a really fucking big Lasgun' Amber said looking shaky. 'Oh crap' Stressius said when he looked down the barrel to where it was pointing.

In the distance he could see a gigantic red tinge where the weapon had fired. 'Thi… Strike Cruiser… mayday MAYDAY' Stressius heard the pleas of the crew of one of his latest strike cruisers, which had less than 50 men on board, though the static of the ships re-entry. 'We have.. hit by… of Lascannon'

'It's not a fucking Lascannon you prick' Stressius yelled into the vox to the crew as it hit the planet with enough force to make Stressius fall the floor again, despite it being over 100 miles away.

'Right, you lot' Stressius called into the munch hall as the entire chapter, barring 2 members of the 3rd company who where killed when the Thunderhawk that was carrying them was clipped by the giant Lasgun in the Lab, moment before landing. Thankfully they had been the only casualties, excluding the crew of the strike cruiser, who hadn't survived the battle from the previous week. 'As you know, we're still in orbit around the planet Pissole'

'yeah, why the fuck are we still here?' one of the Assault Marines from the 4th company yelled to Stressius. 'Don't you fucking swear now sut it and listen' Stressius bellowed back. Amber, who was sitting next to Stressius was nearly deafened by his shout 'Anyway, just after the battle scanners detected movement just below the planet's surface and we suspect, after analysing it, that some left over PDF have survived and escaped that below ground, needless to be said, they must be crushed.'

'What!?' said one of he 2nd company, sour after the lost of his friends. 'This crappy little rock AGAIN?' he stood up, knocking the man next to him as he did so. 'Don't you dare hit me' the Chaos Marines said, elbowing the other Astrates in his now exposed groin, who doubled over and vomited into the opposite Chaos Marine's open mouth. He spat out the sick before slamming his fist into the man's jaw, splitting it with a sickening (no pun intended) snap.

With that another fight broke out at breakfast, 616 Astrates became infertile, lettuce was banned and condoms had to be worn after one of the Chaos Marines somehow contracted Herpes.