I'm actually... updating? It's been almost two months since I wrote the first chapter, wow...
Additional Warnings: Burnout!Wakka. I'm honestly not bashing the guy; he's one of the only tolerable characters in Final Fantasy X. But come on… if anyone from the group would be a burnout, it'd be Wakka. You know it's true.
Also, some of the characters may seem OOC, but it's for the purpose of (attempted) humor. They're high the majority of the time. They're also a little older than they are in the games, so they've been more jaded by the ridiculousness of life. It's a crackfic, so hopefully that's okay.
Chapter 2: Run Around
"WAKKA, OPEN YOUR FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW!"
Sora was not amused. Although he, Riku, and Kairi had only been pounding on Wakka's apartment door for about thirty seconds, the imminent death threats that lingered over their heads made it seem like much longer.
After several anxious moments, he heard a loud grumble as lazy footsteps approached. The knob clicked into the unlocked position as Wakka creaked it open.
"Hey, what's the big idea?" he asked, a humorous grin on his face that told Sora he was so high that he was on a different plain of existence altogether. "Come in and smoke your worries away, ya?"
"Let us in," said Kairi urgently, pushing past Sora and into the apartment. The two boys followed suit.
"Why are you three-"
"Tidus has been shot," said Riku abruptly.
"WHAT?"
"He's okay; he'll live," Sora said it as though it were a side comment. "But he said you knew what was going on and that we have to skip town. So pack your shit and let's go; you can explain on the way."
"Shit, man, shit!" Wakka looked around rapidly, grabbing a crumbled up duffle bag from off of his couch and opening the drawer of his coffee table. "Okay, Kush… Northern Lights…"
The others watched in disbelief as he stuffed the bag full of marijuana.
"Wakka, what the fuck?" asked Riku. "Don't you think you should be worried about packing more important things?"
"We'll need an income, ya?" he said hurriedly as he rushed around the apartment, pulling small and large bags from more places than Sora could have imagined. "Feel free to dig through my stuff; pack what you think we'll need. But stay away from the bottom drawer on my dresser. You just don't wanna know, got it? Selphie?"
The girl peered her head out from the bedroom. "I can't find that vaporizer anywhere. Are you sure you didn't-"
"Tidus has been shot," Wakka interrupted. "But he'll live."
"What?" she exclaimed in disbelief. "I told you assholes they weren't gonna let it go. We've gotta get out of here!"
"Why does everyone know about this but us?" grumbled Kairi as she dug through Wakka's cupboards.
Selphie rushed back in the bedroom and grabbed several large bags before running to the kitchen. "Okay. Um. We're gonna need food… Pop Tarts, Spaghetti-O's, Lunchables, microwave popcorn…"
"What? Microwave popcorn?" asked Sora. "You think I carry a fucking microwave in my car? What're you gonna do, munch on the buttery kernels?"
"Oh," she deposited the package on the floor, opting for an industrial-sized box of Fruit By the Foot.
Because stoners aren't generally the most organized people in the world, and because Wakka was the biggest stoner on the entire archipelago, it took them quite awhile to pack the necessary provisions. Eventually though, Sora, Riku, Kairi, and Selphie were able to convince him that he had everything he needed. Unnecessarily locking the door behind him (Sora was sure whoever was after them would kick in the door anyway), they headed out and piled into the Piece of Shit. Sora started the car, spinning away from Wakka's apartment building as quickly as possible.
"How come it seems like every time I'm in your car, Riku gets to sit shotgun and I'm stuck here?" Selphie complained from the middle of the back seat.
"You're the shortest," explained Riku. "Of course Kairi and Wakka are going to bully you around and make you sit in the middle."
"Don't listen to him, Selphie," Kairi retorted. "Riku always gets shotgun. He and Sora have a, uh… 'special' bond."
"Kairi, one more gay joke and I swear to God…" apparently Kairi had forgotten about the 'don't make fun of Sora when he's fumingly angry and simultaneously driving' rule. "Wakka, Selphie: you have some serious explaining to do."
Selphie stared at Wakka. "This one's all you."
"Yeah, alright," Wakka sighed. "So you guys remember that hit-and-run a few months back?"
"The one that killed that Ellone girl we went to school with?" asked Riku.
"Yeah, that's the one," Wakka said quietly. "You see… Tidus was driving that car. And me and Selphie were with him."
Sora was too shocked to speak. He just kept driving, hands clenched on the steering wheel as he stared straight ahead.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Kairi's abrupt words startled him.
"Shouldn't have brought Big Blue," Wakka shook his head. "Bongs and cars don't match. Tidus was trying to take a hit and bam… ran right into that poor girl's car. We were all high as fuck at the time and we didn't know what to do… so he just drove away. Dealt with a lot of guilt for that one, we did. Especially Tidus."
"Not enough if you kept quiet about it all this time," spat Sora. "So was she related to some psychos who decided to get revenge and kill you?"
"Something like that," said Wakka. "Her family had gang affiliations."
Riku snorted. "Yeah, right… Gangs on Destiny Islands. What do they do, graffiti the palm trees?"
Selphie shook her head. "No, their family moved from some big city… I don't remember where. Her brothers had been raised in that kind of environment, you know, 'protect the family and kill those who don't'."
"But then why are they going after Sora, Riku, and me?" asked Kairi.
"Tidus doesn't have any family left," shrugged Selphie. "They don't only want to take out those responsible, but his friends too."
"Gee, didn't know Tidus cared so much," said Riku sarcastically.
Sora tried to concentrate on the road as he drove to the ferry dock, but his mind kept snapping back to that gunshot, to Tidus' blood-soaked shirt, to Riku's puke-splattered Turkish Delight. He kept telling himself that everything would be okay once they got to the mainland. It gave them a lot more space to run.
It only took a few minutes to drive to the dock, but the feeling of having one's head on a chopping block made the ride seem much longer. Sora was terrified to leave his precious vehicle in the hands of the ferry workers, but tried to ignore the sinking feeling he got in his stomach when he thought of them mishandling it in some way as they loaded it onto the boat.
The ferry ride was boring despite the fact that it gave Sora the looming feeling of having the crosshairs of a gun between his eyes. He tried to concentrate on the fact that they were getting off the island, that once they got to the mainland they would be much harder to track. Sora wished it was one of those problems that could be solved with a Keyblade, that he could just find the culprits and start beating the hell out of them for trying to hurt his friends. But when people with guns stood against people with swords… well, the outcome was pretty obvious.
It took them almost two hours to get to the mainland. The wait drove Sora crazy. He almost wanted to jump off the boat and swim there. Arrogantly he told himself that he probably could manage it, but the thought of leaving his car to the crew made his stomach churn.
When they were finally able to disembark, Sora looked over his prized vehicle meticulously.
"Sora, your car's fine," Selphie put her hand on her hips. "You call it a piece of shit all the time anyway."
And a piece of shit it most certainly was. But parents loved their ugly, screw-up kids, so why couldn't he love his ugly, screw-up car? Besides, it was the only thing saving their asses from certain doom, so Sora would ignore any shrewd comments that were made to the condition of his Piece of Shit.
...That is, until it decided to stop running four hours into the trip. On a deserted highway in the middle of nowhere, no less. Sora didn't even know where they were going. He had assumed that getting far away from Destiny Islands was good enough, and who cared where they were as long as they were safe? His car breaking down, well… this he hadn't counted on. So typical.
"What the hell?" he growled, turning the key again. The engine revved, but it refused to start.
"What year was it made?" asked Selphie.
"It's a '93."
"There's your problem," said Wakka, but he didn't seem particularly worried about the fact that their only means of transportation had broken down.
"But it's never done this before!" Sora argued. "I know it's old, but I just got it inspected a month ago!"
Without saying a word, Riku jumped out of the car and popped open the hood.
Kairi raised an eyebrow. "Sora, does he have any idea what he's doing?"
"Most likely not," Sora said, getting out of the car to make sure Riku didn't completely destroy it.
"What do you think is wrong with it?" asked Sora so as not to completely emasculate his friend for his lack of knowledge on cars.
"Uh… Something with the engine, probably."
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking too."
Admittedly, Sora knew as much about cars as Riku did, but the fact that it was his pride and joy gave him the credibility to pretend he knew what he was talking about. So they stood and did absolutely nothing until an impatient Kairi stormed out of the car.
"Do you guys have even the most remote idea of what's going on?" she asked, tapping her foot on the ground.
"Um…"
"Well, I…"
"Oh, Jesus Christ!" she exclaimed, pushing Sora and Riku aside. Kairi reached her hand into the car. She unscrewed the oil cap and pulled out the silver dipstick. "Sora, when was the last time you put oil in?"
"I dunno. Awhile ago, I guess," he shrugged. "Why?"
"Because your car is completely out, dumbass," she positively glowered at Sora. "You probably blew the engine."
"The light came on awhile ago, but I thought oil was like gas… Like if the light comes on it just means you probably should put oil in, but it's not detrimental to the car."
"Actually, it is detrimental to the car. Please tell me there's oil in the trunk."
Without another word, she marched to the back of the car and began rummaging through the trunk. She returned not a minute later, a small bottle of oil in her hand. Emptying it into the small tank, she instructed them to get back into the car.
"Did you guys fix it?" asked Selphie.
"Hopefully," scowled Kairi as she buckled her seatbelt. "Well, Sora, let's give this a shot."
He held his breath as he put his hand on the key and turned it on.
Vrmm…chh…clangclangclangclang…
"Guys?" yelled Wakka over the sound of the engine. "This doesn't sound good."
"Thanks, Wakka, I hadn't noticed," Sora snapped.
"What're we gonna do?" asked Selphie.
"We can't drive like this," Kairi's voice was still shrewd. "Your car's already shot and we're in Bum Fuck, Egypt. Let's walk to the nearest gas station and figure out what to do from there. Wakka, roll us a couple joints for the trip. I'm getting a headache."
It only took Sora, Kairi, and Riku about an hour to find a gas station. Wakka and Selphie had agreed to stay with the car in the unlikely situation that someone would drive by and try to break in.
It was one of those clichéd 'hey-my-car-broke-down-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-and-I-need-to-get-it-repaired' service stations where the workers had about nine teeth between the lot of them. The attendant who greeted them reminded Sora of an even less refined version of Cid. A cigarette dangled lazily from his lips as he scratched his greasy, balding head.
"What ken I do ya for?"
"Whoa, didn't realize it was that kind of place," Riku murmured as he surveyed the man. "Must not get very good business."
This warranted a swift kick from Kairi, who was clearly not amused at their current situation.
"Um, actually, our car broke down a few miles back," said Sora. "We were wondering if we could get it towed here, maybe repaired?"
"Tow truck's ott at the junkyard fer the next coupl'a hours," he blew a line of smoke at them. "If ya don't mind waitin', he can get yer car when he's done."
Sora nodded as he struggled to understand the man's thick accent. Rural education at its finest. "Okay, yeah, that'd be great. We're just a few miles that way," he pointed.
Seeing no use in entertaining the Deliverance-esque workers with any more of their time, they bought a few snacks and drinks and began their walk to the car. The trip back seemed longer; Sora assumed it was because they had an actual destination in mind. After some time, they approached the figures of Wakka and Selphie. They were standing outside of a vehicle that was much larger than Sora's dinky car.
Something was very wrong.
"What the hell is this? Where's my car?" he tried very carefully to keep his voice calm as he sprinted back to Wakka and Selphie.
Wakka tapped the hood of the van with his fingers. "Well, see…"
"It's a simple question. Where. Is. My. Car?"
"I… traded it."
"You did what?"
"For this."
He pointed to the ancient van. The bottom of it was rusty and lead up to faded pastels of flowers that puked up rainbows and joy and happiness. It probably hadn't been repainted since 1973.
"You sold my car…" Sora's voice was calmly insane. "For the fucking Mystery Machine?"
"I'm sorry! Look, it's bigger! We can all stretch out now, ya?"
"Why would you think selling my car was even an option?" Sora growled, kicking one of the front tires. "This is for people who fucking… dance around with Bono in Across the Universe! Do you have any idea what hippies could've done in this? This thing was probably at Woodstock! It's probably infested with every STD known to man!"
"You blew the engine!" Wakka rationalized. "We needed a new car and this was the only thing I could think of! These people drove up, kinda reminded me of us, ya know? Said the van wasn't environmentally friendly enough for them, said your car was shot to hell and they'd take it off our hands. So we smoked a couple bowls and made a deal."
"And you couldn't wait another half an hour for us to get back? This could die in half a mile for all we know!" Sora glowered. "Who's gonna buy a fucking hippie van?"
"We'll worry about that when-"
"And Selphie!" Sora accused. "You let him go through with this?"
"It… seemed like a good idea at the time…" she mumbled.
"I've never met two more-"
"Stop it!" Selphie's high-pitched voice resonated through the area. "Okay. Wakka probably shouldn't have sold Sora's car. It's my fault too; I'm sorry. But Sora was also a dumbass and forgot to put oil in. Right now the only thing I care about is the fact that we have a means of transportation and we can get away from the crazies."
Sora sighed. She was right. "Fine. Fine. Where are the keys?"
"In the ignition," said Wakka quietly.
"You're sitting in the back, Scooby," Sora grumbled as he opened the door. "Actually, no. Scooby's cool as hell. You're Fred."
"But Fred's-"
"The prick who always fucks up; I know," Sora snapped. "I'm about to call my Keyblade and kick your ass, Wakka. Dammit, this thing doesn't even have a tape player! At least mine was equipped with Car Ready!"
"Guess we'll have to make due with the radio," sighed Riku. He had somehow managed to remain calm through the whole ordeal. He turned the knob and flipped through stations, finally settling on an alternative station that was blasting an overplayed Green Day song from a couple of years back.
"Wakka. Drugs. Now," Sora ordered. He needed something to take his mind off of the disgusting condition of the van. He didn't even want to think about what the previous owners had done in it.
"So..." started Riku nervously as though he were trying to lighten the mood. "If Wakka's Fred, does that mean Selphie's Daphne?"
Sora tried to hold in a snicker, but it escaped his lips nonetheless. "Wait a few minutes and I'll tell you. I'm not high enough to have this conversation right now."
He lit the joint that Wakka had rolled for him, basking in the pure, smoky taste. He closed his eyes for the briefest moment as he tried to tune out broken dreams that just happened to be on boulevards. This was going to be one hell of an adventure.
Poor Sora... Not everybody knows you can blow the engine if you don't put oil in. That's actually how I killed my car...
I hope I at least managed to get a chuckle or two. Thanks for reading!
