Chapter Two:

Harry Potter and the Raptastic Battle

"Yo! I'm Ritchie Coote, super cute and daft, and I welcome you to Hogwarts school of Wizardry and Witchcraft.

And I'm Michel Corner, kinda pudgy and dumb, we're gonna tell you all about a wizard school, son.

'Cause Hogwarts is the bomb, major school of magic, home to Harry Potter, whose life is so tragic.

Parents killed, forehead scared, livin' with fat Muggles, man Voldemort gave Potter some struggles to juggle.

How'd you get to Hogwarts?

Don't dare catch the short bus; get Hogwarts express platform nine and three quarters.

But you've got to hit up the Diagon Alley. Bring your school list, check it twice and ya dilly don't dally.

We picked up Galleons at the Goblin bank, Gringotts,

To buy our magic sticks at Olivander's Wand Shop

What's inside your wand?

Some unicorn lube. What you got in yours?

A leprechaun's pube! Oh!

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, drinkin' pumpkin juice
and gin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, let the Harry Potter
Rap begin.

The Sorting Hat, big ass feast, Dumbledore speaks. Nearly headless, Nick farted every student they freaked!

But startin' school you gotsta sign up for some classes.

What you takin?

Divination, with that chick with big glasses.

I'm takin' Potions with that douche, Professor Snape.

Didn't he get a Dirty-Sanchez in Screech's sex tape? I read about that crap in last week's Daily Prophet.

Oh that Rita Skeeter, I'd skeet in her moffet.

Skeeter wrote about Hermione pumping Victor Krum.

Down by Hagrid's hut?

No, with his Nimbus in her bum.

Oh that Hermione queefed a quaffle, whose cloud's reek so awful. It smelled up Gryffindor common room like rotten, Greek falafel.

I heard Ronald Weasley was jealous as hell.

Dude, how'd he find out?

From the odoriferous smelled.

Hermione's fillin' out, but Cho Chang is hotter.

But whose done em' both?

My man Harry Potter!

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, drinkin' pumpkin juice
and gin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, let the Harry Potter
Rap begin.

I'm a Dementor, I work at Azkaban. Who likes BJ's and has two thumbs, that would be this guy.

Harry Potter is the man, Gryffindor's top seeker. He wins more matches than Reeboks makes sneakers.

Of the Qudditch pitch he catches Snitches leaving witches in stitches teaching da' bitches to unhitch their twitching twat itches.

Harry parked with Pansy Parkinson, he boned Susan Bones, snap he's the son'a bitch who makes Moaning Myrtle moan.

He got hot heads on the night bus till his cauldrons was leaky, the chick started to mumble he said 'Cho Changy, no speaky!'

Did he do her?

Sure did, but she must eat lots of chowder, her Forbidden Forest was so huge he used Floo Powder.

The Dementors snuck up on Harry, they tried to de-soul him, he turned from Cho Chang and yelled 'Expecto Patronum!'

So join us on his adventures, and grab your Marauder's map.

Expect more magical journeys into the Harry Potter rap.

Put on your invisible cloaks, and shine up your brooms.

'Cause there aint nothin' better than a Hogsmeade trip on mushrooms!

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, drinkin' pumpkin juice
and gin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, let the Harry Potter
Rap begin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, drinkin' pumpkin juice
and gin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, let the Harry Potter
Rap begin.

Pour some out for Harry Potter's parents."


The Death eaters screamed defiance at the rappers on Hogwarts' front steps and ran back into the forest, but the Dementors still stood strong.

"Oh, its ON, bitches! Hit it Harry!" Hermione screeched.

"Gotcha Mione! Here I go! Ready Draco?"

"Duh, Potter!"

"Draco: Oh My Lord! Crabbe, Goyle, look at that Potter! He thinks he's so great just because the dark lord gave him a cut on his head 12 years ago. But, you know. Who deserves to understand the Dark Lord, anyway? He only talked to Potter through that book because he wanted to take care of unfinished business, okay? I mean, Potter's friends are just so revolting! I can't believe he hangs out with that Mudblood girl and that Weasley. And his hair. It's so…BLACK!"

Harry:

"It's my 3rd year and I cannot lie,
You other wizards can't deny,
After I broke free from the Dursley's bars
Trying to blow up my aunt Marge,
I escaped with my hair all mucked,
Gonna board the old knight bus,
Its speed is so exciting,
You think Keanu was driving,

The Minister said 'No Problem',
In the Leaky Cauldron,
But I thought that I'd be finished,
Faster than you could say

Q-Q-Quidddditch!

Diagon Alley,
With Ron and Hermione,
That book of Monsters,
Bite my hand off it wants ta
Crookshanks is after,
Ron's pet rat Scabbers,
The Cat, That Rat,
In a Tom and Jerry spat!

I heard that dreadful news,
There's a mad man on the loose,
He killed 12 muggles with just one spell,
And now he's mad as hell!"

Harry: "So Ron!"
Ron: "Yeah?"
Harry: "Ron!"
Ron: "Yeah?"
Harry: "Who's the world most wanted man?"
Ron: "Dunno!"
Harry: "The prisoner!"
Ron: "Prisoner?"
Harry: "Prisoner!"
Ron: "Prisoner?"
Harry: "Who escaped from Azkaban! Sirius Black!"

Everyone:

"Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Something wicked this way comes."

(Harry: "Sirius Black!")

"Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Something wicked this way comes."

Harry:

"Dementors on the train,
Drives me insane,
I just can't help myself,
I'm cold now, face it!
My brain is tainted,
With memories of
AAHHH!
Voldemort!
AAHHH!
I ain't talking about Malfoy,
His dad is just one of Voldie's toys.

Professor Trelawney's a seer,
But if you ask me her lessons,
Just a bunch of guessin' ,
She's tells me I'll die any second,
So I'm in class with Remus,
Boggart stung with Ridikulus,
If I studied bonus,
I'll produce a full patronus.

They took away the broom I got for Christmas,
When I checked it for jinxes,
Can't even go to Hogsmeade unless I got,
The Marauders Map,
Malfoy's full of crap,
And I wanna go after Black,
They say he'll kill at will,
But I'd rather fry the guy,
He's bad,
He's mad,
He betrayed my mum and dad."

Harry: "So Hermione!"
Hermione: "What?"
Harry: "Hermione!"
Hermione: "What?"
Harry: "I'd rather find him than let him find me!"
Hermione: "Harry…"
Harry: "He's one bad motherf… (ucker)"
Hermione: 'Shut your mouth!"
Harry: "Even Malfoy's got to shout!"

Draco:

"Sirius Black! You know Potter, when it comes to Dark Arts that Sirius guy has got nothing on my extended family!"

Harry: "Shut up Malfoy! This is MY rap!"
Draco: "Scared, Potter?"
Harry: "You wish!"
Draco: "Come on! Give up the mike!"
Harry: "I said NO!"
Draco: "Professor, Potters not lettin' me represent for the Dark Side!"
Professor Snape: "Potter, let Malfoy kick it old school or it's detention."
Draco: "I've got a weak arm, you know!"
Harry: "Alright fine! Here it is."
Draco: "Heh, This one's for all the Slytherins, Biaaaaattchh!"

Draco:

"So you think you can curse or darn me,
Or say my acting's hammy,
But if you want me to care then understand me
My pureblood family don't want buns
They're not Mudbloods!

When they inter-marry with muggles,
I just makes me sick to my gut
I bought my name to Quidditch,
You can do that if you father's rich!
It's power I desire,
You don't see me singin' no choirs!

When an animal bites my arm,
I can do it far more harm,
Cause my dad can claim it maimed the students,
And then execute it!
Some wizards wanna go to Gryffindor,
But me I want a little bit more
Than the small, meak and measley,
Like the bottom feeders Weasleys
They love non-magic folk,
Is it any wonder they're broke?

Then this Sirius guy comes kicking,
And I understand if you're chicken,
But Potter is over me,
I'd want revenge, you see,
I curse his ass and send him back,
Into the Shrieking Shack.
SIRIUS BLACK!"

Everyone:

"Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burning cauldron,"

(Draco: "Sirius Black!")

Everyone:

"Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burning cauldron,
Something wicked this way comes.

Something wicked this way comes.

Something wicked this way comes.

Something wicked this way comes."

Harry: "Why would I go looking for somebody who wants to kill me?"


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Voldemort ran into the forest after the Death Eaters and portkeyed away.

"Oh yeah, Harry. You schooled his Dark Lord ass!"

Harry and the others exchanged high fives.

xXxXxXx

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Youtube, Google, (etc.), or the raps in this chapter.

xxx

First Rap: By:Tony Goldmark (Ethan Newberry . com)

Lyrics: http : / / ethannewberry . informe . com / the-harry-potter-rap-lyrics-dt12 . html

Video: http : / / www . tressugar . com/ 96810

xxx

Second Rap: "Sirius Black" By: Unknown Author.

Lyrics (I edited them a little bit after I listened to the song.): http : / / www . snitchseeker . com/ harry-potter-news/ sirius-black-rap-14970/

Video: http : / / www . youtube . com/ watch?v= nLaF8zTp3aw

xxx

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