Yours To Hold

Summary: I wonder why you've been hurting, I wish I had some way to say, you're going through so much, don't you know that I could be the one to hold you. -Skillet

A/N: So my beef-ef Rachel took the vast majority of the Comatose c.d. and turn it into a XF fic, so I'm doing the same for ER. I thought this song fit really well, set around the time she came back from visiting little Susie/her telling Morgenstern she wanted to leave.

Dedication: This one goes out in memory of the best Grandma ever. I miss you :[ 5/6/98 :[

but also oodles of thanks to Rach for putting me in a better mood. I lub you beef-ef

Disclaimer: So not mine. mk?

"I'm gonna miss you." He hugged her tightly, they sat like that for a long time on her couch. Mark knew this couldn't be easy for her, leaving the only home she had ever known and for a little girl who held her heart. Mark had been there when Jen had taken Rachel and he should've left like Susan was leaving now.

"I hate this." Susan wiped at her tears.

"You're doing the right thing." Mark told her but his voice was betraying him.

"I know I am, it's just.. my whole life is here, but my heart isn't anymore." Susan said, drawing her knees to her chest, "When I was with Susie in Phoenix.. it made sense. I felt alive, I'd been so numb for so long."

"I know," Mark wiped her tears with his thumb, " I could see it on your face when you got back."

"You could've said something." Susan chuckled.

"Sorry?" Mark offered.

"Tonight, can we just forget that I am moving and be Mark and Susan. Eat pizza. Drink beer and watch the tail end of the Bears game?"

"That sounds like a perfect idea." Mark forced a smile.

"You dial. I'll grab the beer." Susan handed him her phone.

"Alright. But I'm getting half anchovies." Mark teased.

"You do and I'll kill you." Susan called over her shoulder as she disappeared into the kitchen.

"Why do I not think you're kidding?" Mark called back as he dialed the pizza number from memory.

"Because I'm not!"

--

The pizza arrived and they picked at their pieces silently as the Bears were getting their butts kicked by the Indianapolis Colts. Susan opened a bear and it hissed, she sighed, crossing her ankles and then uncrossing them, "Okay, this is ridiculous."

"No joke." Mark said and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"I'm just moving." Susan told him.

"Yeah. Just a few thousand miles." He said, it came out more bitterly than he had intended.

"I'll still see you, when I come visit my parents or at conferences."

"Right and we'll call."

"And trade Christmas Cards."

"And pictures of Susie and Rachel."

"Definitely. Nothing will change." Susan forced herself to believe it.

"Bull shit."

"Thank-you for saying it first." Susan told him.

"Susan." Mark turned to face her, "I'm gonna miss you and traumas are gonna suck without your smiling face at the end of them, but if your heart is telling you to go to Phoenix, then you need to."

"Yeah." Susan nodded her head in agreement, "I need to. I have to do this, Mark."

"Then it's settled and we'll just adjust." Mark told her, squeezing her arm.

"Ugh. We're sucking tonight." Susan flicked off the TV and they sat in the dark.

"Should I go?" Mark asked, everything felt awkward. How could one sentence change everything so drastically?"

"No." Susan leaned against him and he wrapped an arm around her, "Stay, please?"

"You got it." Mark kissed the top of her head.

"You know, for the first few weeks after Susie left, I would wake up and think I'd hear her crying and I run out here to emptiness." Susan swiped at her tears, "I'd go to the store and feel the urge to buy diapers."

"Susan.." Mark said softly, his fingers playing with the ends of her hair.

"Or I'd want to go up to day care after a bad day at work and see her smiling face. I'd fall apart from wanting to hold her so bad." Susan leaned her head on his shoulder and her tears dampened his shirt, "It was like a piece of me was missing."

"I know." Mark whispered and he did. Her hand found his in the dark and she played with his fingers as she cried, "You're gonna be okay."

"I hate waiting for Chloe to screw up, I hate that Susie is my daughter in every sense of the word, but Chloe gets to tuck her into bed at night because of biology." Susan sobbed and Mark pulled her into his arms.

"I know." Mark kissed her forehead, rocking her back and forth, "It will get better."

"It won't be better till I am in Phoenix, holding that little girl." Susan buried her head into his chest as she cried harder. Her tears felt like bullets on Mark's chest. She had to leave and he understood that, but why'd she have to leave him?

A/N: Okay, so that was short. The next few chapters are gonna be angsty and probably short, but it will end on a happy note because it circles back around to Those Nights. So hang in there people. Chloe is gonna mess up and Elizabeth isn't gonna exist. Because Marsan is love. Next Chapter: 'Say Goodbye'