Hi, everyone! Welcome to Chapter two! I would now like to formally announce that this fic disregards Breaking Dawn, which is awesome no matter what anyone says! coughTonksxAngelsxSoulmatexcough.
Anyway, I would like to also announce that I will soon be writing a bonus chapter, MARCUS'S DIARY!
Disclaimer: Disclaimer, disclaimer, where art thou disclaimer! I need thou to say thouest awesomeful words of wisdom that are, "I don't own Twilight!" ...Word.
Chapter 2: Food? More like Poison!
Jane was very excited. Aro had just told her that she would be getting a chance to expand her culinary expertise on people who could really appreciate it: the Quileutes, of course.
Felix, however, - who was feeling extremely angry at her due to the fact that he had 'failed to see the beauty in her pumpkin pie', Jane is ruthless - had told her that Aro was sending her there because he wanted to get rid of her.
Felix had, of course, been punished for his misdeeds. Jane wouldn't tolerate his anti personality, his lies the least.
How dare he?
--
Meanwhile…
It was a normal day for the Quileute reservation that was La Push. Jacob Black was sitting on the couch watching TV with his friend Paul. They were making small-talk that mainly concerned the bonfire that the pack and a selective few were having later that evening.
Jacob was suddenly feeling queasy. Paul had just changed the channel from a Harry Potter movie to some perverted Victoria's Secret fashion show.
"Paul! I was watching that!" he exclaimed, very annoyed that Paul dared interrupt his Harry Potter viewing time. Voldemort was just about to kill Cedric! How dare he! Cedric is made of awesome! But that may be...er...beside the point.
"Seriously Jake, what's better? Girls in little to no clothing or Voldey-something-or-rather killing people with his mystical green light?" Paul shoved some popcorn in his mouth while he dangled his fingers in front of Jacob's face – clearly mocking the entire series, "Ooooh-h-h!"
Jacob growled and tried to resist the temptation to tear the sofa into tiny pieces. And feeding said pieces, well, force-feeding said pieces to Paul.
Jacob's inner rambling was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"You gonna get that Jacob?" Paul muttered out of the side of his mouth and proceeded to chuck a handful of popcorn at Jacob playfully.
"You get it," Jacob retorted semi-harshly as he wiped a popcorn kernel off his shirt.
The knocking sounded again, sharper and more forceful this time.
"You get it!" Paul mocked; but he was entirely serious.
"No, you get it!"
"It's your house?"
"Well -" there was no need for Jacob to finish his sentence as the visitor had promptly let herself in...by breaking the door down.
"Werewolves these days," Jane muttered as she propped the broken door against the wall, wearing an expression that an interior designer would wear when commenting on someone's taste in fashion.
"LEECH!" Paul screeched, pointing a finger gun at Jane, "OH MY GOD, A LEECH IN YOUR HOUSE! THIS IS A BAD, BAD OMEN, MAN! WE WILL ALL TURN INTO UGLY RABID BUNNIES! I hate bunnies…" he covered in fear at the very thought of the terrifying bunnies. Terrifying, ugly, and also rabid bunnies, that is.
Jane – followed by Jacob – shot Paul a weird look.
"That was, um…" Jacob shook his head, cleared his throat, and turned back to Paul, "You haven't been watching horror movies again, have you?"
"Maybe," Paul said, not meeting Jacob's eyes.
Jane did a sort of 'ah-h-h-hem', "I'm still here you know!"
"Shouldn't we be, er, you know, attacking it?" Paul gave Jacob a flitting look, secretly glad to get off the subject of his bunny issues. Those things are DEMONS! DEMONS I SAY!
Er, off topic…pay no mind to the crazy narrator…back to the story now…that's a good reader…
Jane was angered by Paul's unnecessary comment, I come to give them a culinary experience of their life time and what do they do? 'Let's go attack 'it'!
Oh yes. They would pay.
But, Jane knew they did not yet know of her great talent; they must be given allowance.
Though she had to admit, her Food Network tee-shirt was a bit of a giveaway.
Screw the allowance.
When Paul was done screaming in agony, and Jacob was done attempting to attack her, Jane signaled her movers to bring in her stuff. One simple wave of her hand was all it took, who would ever keep Jane Volturi waiting? No one, of course.
The movers (alsoknownas: some of the less fortunate Volturi guard members) were now hauling in appliances that looked as if they belonged to a world class pastry chef. You can't forget the stack of werewolf sized t-shirts that had Jane's face plastered on it.
They began placing their burdens randomly around the Black household. In the meantime, they were gladly shoving anything that was in their way (alsoknownas: Jacob's stuff) against the wall and not-as-gladly adding extensions on to the house at vampire speed.
Jacob opened his mouth to protest, but an evil and dangerous glare from Jane made him think the better of it, so he settled for whimpering under his breath whenever something of his was broken in the 'moving' process.
This continued on for some time. When Jane's movers had finally completed their task, Jane turned to Paul and Jacob.
"You are most likely wondering what brought me here and who I am," she began with the ore of one commenting about the weather. (NOTE: I don't get that sentence, exactly. If I'm misunderstanding and it does make sense, then don't mind me. :) )
Jacob and Paul both nodded; their faces matched with a 'Well, DUH' expression.
Jane pretended not to notice and continued, "My name is Jane, of the Volturi, which is the most expansive coven of the vampire world. Recently, I discovered my talent in the kitchen have selected you and your pack to be my next good deed – you get to experience the wonderful food that is mine! At least until my coven wants me back, they must miss my cooking. Your friends, the Cullen's, have referred me to you and I am, of course, delighted to come and cook for you."
Jacob was utterly bewildered.
Paul tried not to laugh.
Finally, after they had stared at Jane for a good five minutes, Jacob barked out laughing..
"Okay," he said through his fit of laughter, "How much did Edward pay you?"
You can guess what happens next. Ooh, that's gotta hurt…
"HOW DARE YOU!" Jane shrieked, her temper reaching an all-time high, "THE VOLTURI SEND ME HERE IN AN ACT OF KINDNESS AND THIS IS THE WELCOME I GET?"
"Okay, okay," Paul said in an attempt to calm the situation, "We're having a bonfire tonight with the pack, you can cook for us, okay?"
Jane seemed to calm down after that was said.
She thought it over, unsure if she still wanted to grace them with her gifts. Eventually deciding that they would learn with time.
Jacob and Paul held their breaths all the while.
Her expression softened, "I'd be honored," she said finally.
The werewolves exhaled.
--
Several hours later, the kitchen smelled awful, even to the noses of the wolves.
The pack was gathered outside, uneasily awaiting the vampire and her cooking. No one spoke. Everyone present simply exchanged nervous glances every so often.
A moment later, Jane arrived, followed by her movers, who were now carrying many rancid smelling dishes.
Jane smiled to herself. She was very pleased with herself, the werewolves were sure to enjoy her master pieces. She had out-done herself, this was art!
On the rare circumstance that they didn't, well, lets just say that it is in their best interests' to enjoy her work.
Jane had indeed made enough food to feed a very large pack of wolves; for you could barely see the faces of the movers under the stuff they were carrying.
Each mover deposited a generous amount of food in front of each wolf, who did his or her best not to cringe at the horrid smell coming from the 'food' they were supposed to ingest. Leah was tempted to chuck the lot at Jane's back when she was aloof, but Jacob and Paul had filled her in on what she could do and was forced to follow orders.
Stupid males.
"All right," Jane chimed in a sing-song voice, "Dig in!"
"I'm supposed to eat this?" Jacob mumbled darkly to himself as he poked at the so called 'pizza.' The wolf knew that no matter what Jane said, pizza was not supposed to be green with dark brown cheese.
What did she do to this? Jacob was thinking.
"I said dig in!" Jane snapped.
The wolves obeyed, not knowing what else to do.
Leah plugged her nose and ate her 'sandwich.'
She felt a strange tingling sensation...
All too sudden...
She had whiskers…
And a tail…
And when she went to speak it sounded like-
"Meow!" Leah...meowed?
Sam spat out a mouthful of his sandwich when he heard her.
"You, uh, alright Leah?"
Leah responded by hissing at him and glaring at him in a most cat-like way. Her tail even started to whip back and forth!
Everyone was now looking warily at his or her food.
Quil began to eat again after Jane gave him the 'you know what option two is' look. He turned to Jacob with his mouth full, "Do you think Leah is just being stupid or do you think she really thinks she's a -" He was cut off by a second head popping out of his shoulder.
The head began to jabber away in Latin.
Billy let out a groan, what was next?
Not one of my more entertaining chapters, but yeah. Sorry about my slow updates, a combination of hotels with crappy Internet connections (I WAS on vacation) and mild writers block.
Next time….
We find out more about what Jane's DOES…
Jane gets some dangerous ideas… like opening up a restaurant…
And brave Jared… how we will miss him…
Hold it! Who said I was killing anyone?
Please review!
Patronus OUT!!
